Alone in my room where I did my best thinking. Music playing, jagged little songs by Godsmack. "Whatever" was starting to sound like my theme song. 'I did the best I can, I did the best I ever did, go away,'.

One of us had to go away. It was Craig. I thought I could hack it. I thought I could handle this bipolar illness but it seemed to be getting worse. Not Craig but me. I was less and less able to deal with it, and the cold hearted part of me was starting to wonder why I had to.

"Ashley!" My mom, and I could tell by the slight irritation in her tone that Craig was here. She hadn't liked him at all when he cheated on me last year, and what with how he acted at my dad's wedding she liked him even less.

"Hi," I said, coming down the stairs. Craig stood in the hall, looking a little affected by my mom's dislike. She tried to be nice to him but she never really hid how she felt.

"Hi," he said, brightening up when he saw me. He put something in his hair or blow dried it in an attempt to get rid of his curls, so it only curled behind his ears and at his collar. I thought he looked good either way. I kind of liked all the curls.

"Joey let you borrow his car?" I said when we were outside and I saw the red convertible sitting in the driveway.

"Yeah. Pretty cool, huh?"

"Yeah,"

We sped along to the party that Paige's brother Dylan was having. Everyone would be there, except probably Spinner. But I wasn't sure we were being fair to Spinner. It isn't like he knew Rick would start shooting people. If he had known that blaming Jimmy for that stunt would get him nearly killed, shot and paralyzed, he never would have said it. Most of us are that way, I think. If you could know just how harmful your actions will be you'd never do it.

I looked at Craig, the way he drove with one hand, the way his bangs hung straight down over his forehead. He'd been mean to Spinner, and I didn't think that was like him. And I was starting to split things with Craig, thinking of how he was before and how he is now, after being in the hospital, after embarrasing me and himself at the wedding, after destroying the hotel room, after beating up Joey.

"Hey, Ash, are you okay?" he said after he'd parked the car. I did love him, of course I did. Part of me wished we could go back to ninth grade, when Jimmy was trying to shove me into this little box of someone I couldn't be, and Craig understood that. He got me. I remembered practicing for that Shakespeare skit with him and he said, "If you really love someone you wouldn't want to change them. You'd love them for who they are,"

"Ash?" All the concern filling his dark hazel eyes, only slightly glazed by the medication he had to take.

"What? Yeah, I'm fine,"

I heard the music throbbing before we even got in the door. Craig walked slightly ahead, a slight smile on his face. I wondered what was real with him now. What was real and what was medication.

"Hi, Hon!" Paige shouting to Craig, hugging him. He let himself be hugged, patted her back and pulled away as soon as he could. I'd noticed this with him, his aversion to being touched.

"Honey!" Shouting at me, throwing her arms around me. I hugged her, closed my eyes. Paige and me, we used to be best friends but all that stuff that went on at my party in eighth grade ruined it. We were friends again, we were fine now, but it's kind of like the vase that breaks and is glued back together. It looks the same but you can never put as much water in it.