Dialogue-only crack!fic. Hope you enjoy!
"Must go faster. Must go faster."
"Kid, I'm tryin'."
"Statistically, this should be over right now. We should be dead, or at the very least at the mercy of crazed individuals suffering from a combination of thrill-seeking addiction and an invincibility complex."
"Great, Reid—now that I know who's gonna kill me…"
"Turn left, turn left! No, not that…my left!"
"You wanna drive?"
"Fine time to ask that question."
"Watch the…!"
"Well, that doesn't help. Now I can't see. What the hell's so funny?"
"It's pitch black outside and we're on a secluded rural highway in the middle of the desert."
"So?"
"So technically, there really wasn't anything to see."
"Reid, if I didn't have these psychos on our ass I'd…"
"Oh. 'Psychos.' Is that a technical term?"
"Anyone ever tell you that you can be a pain in the ass?"
Clang.
"And now they're shooting at us."
"Okay, so deal with it!"
"Deal with it?!"
"I'm busy drivin'!"
Boom. Clang. Hiss…
"Nice shot."
"I was aiming for the windshield."
"Whatever. Now how do we get the hell out of here?"
"Beats me."
"Tell me you're joking…"
"New Mexico is far different geographically from Nevada. A desert isn't always a desert, Morgan."
"Terrific."
"Well, if you hadn't had that little temper tantrum earlier…"
"So it's my fault?"
"That the GPS system is busted? Yes."
"You were the one drivin' then!"
"Yes, but I didn't proceed to rip the thing off its stand and chuck it out onto the highway either."
"It wasn't working!"
"Morgan. Listen to me. Severely depraved individuals are chasing us. We're in the middle of a desert. We've managed to slow them down, but…"
"Like hell—look who's back!"
"Oh, this is not good."
"That's an understatement if I ever heard one."
"They're driving on rims. This is serious."
"It wasn't before?!"
"There's nothing out there. No trees, no brush, not even a giant sand dune to hide in…"
"Terrific. What else could possibly go wrong?"
"Morgan, watch out!"
Screeeeeech.
KA-BLAM!
"Uggh…you okay, kid?"
"Ow…my arm…"
"Come on, Reid, suck it up. Gotta get out of here…no, don't go passing out on me…shit!"
Click.
Click.
Click.
Click.
"How-dee."
"Oh, shit."
Slap.
Tsk-tsk. "Didn't no one teach you manners?"
"Hey, lookee here…this little one here's kind of cute…"
"Blood all over his face, tore up like that? You got strange ideas."
"Nice eyes, though."
" 'Bout this one here?"
"Really, I wouldn't…"
Slap. "No one was talkin' to you."
"Oh... Ow…"
"Little one there's wakin' up. You want 'em, he's yours."
"Get your hands off him!"
Thud.
"Son of a…!"
"Don't learn well, does he?"
"Nah. Doesn't have to, not for what's comin'."
"Look…"
Ping.
"The hell? Hey, quit shootin'!"
"Not so much fun when you're the one behind the business end, huh?"
"Shut the hell up, I said."
Ping. "Oh!"
"NO! Son of a bitch, they want dead bodies…!"
Splat.
"Holy…about damn time!"
"Sorry about that, Morgan. Are you okay?"
"I'll live, Hotch. Reid, though…"
"Again?"
"His directions, man."
"Oh God. Good thing your cell phone was on."
"Wasn't workin' before."
"No, but Garcia was able to track the GPS chip. How on earth did you two manage to get all the way out here?"
"Don't ask. Found the unsubs and then…well…you can kind of tell the rest."
"Just another day in paradise, huh?"
"Yep. Now let's get the hell out of here."