Once again the Dreadnoks destroyed the disclaimer saying that I don't own any GI Joe characters. Just some fun fluff from my deranged imagination. He he…
Dreadnok Babysitting Service
"Gentlemen…or whatever else you are," Zartan addressed his team of Dreadnoks. "This is a very important assignment. Failure is not an option! Do you understand?"
"Not really," Torch blinked. He looked at the other Dreadnoks in the room. "Do any of you lot get it?"
"Uh no," Ripper said.
"Nope," Buzzer said.
"Uh uh," Monkeywrench shook his head.
"Duh I don't get it," Road Pig scratched his head.
"Just watch my daughter you idiots while I'm gone!" Zartan snapped. He pointed to a cute baby girl in a baby seat giggling happily.
"Why can't her mother do it?" Torch asked.
"Because she ran off with Thrasher last week," Buzzer said. "Remember dude?"
"Oh right," Torch nodded. "So Zartan you're gonna go hunt them down?"
"That's what the crossbow filled with explosives is for," Zartan showed them. "Just watch her all right?"
"But why do we gotta do it?" Monkeywrench whined.
"Yeah, babysitting ain't exactly in our job description," Buzzer agreed.
"I know it wasn't in mine but I ended up with you fools anyway," Zartan growled.
"But why not let Zarana or Zandar do it?" Torch asked.
"Because they are on a mission and there isn't exactly a baby sitting service available in a swamp," Zartan growled. "We will all return later tonight. All you apes have to do is feed her, change her, and play with her. And for crying out loud no more alligator rides!"
"But she loves that!" Monkeywrench pleaded.
"I don't care!" Zartan snapped. "Believe me the last thing I want to do is leave my daughter in the hands of you barbaric lunatics but desperate times call for desperate measures! And they can't get more desperate than this!"
"But none of us knows nothing about taking care of a little tyke!" Torch protested.
"True but seeing as you have the same vocabulary skills you should get along like a house on fire," Zartan said. "And don't set the house on fire! AGAIN!"
"Geeze you accidentally start one or two fires in the living room and they get a wee bit out of control and you never hear the end of it!" Torch threw up his hands.
"It's not the living room fires that worry us," Buzzer said. "It's the ones you start in the bathroom after you have twenty five chili cheese burrito burgers!"
"An explosive combination if there ever was one," Zartan groaned. "Torch if we could find a way to harness the power of your bowels Cobra would never have an energy crisis again!"
"I wonder…?" Monkeywrench stroked his goatee and started to think.
"No Monkeywrench, no more experiments!" Zartan snapped. "That's how we ended up with the mutant goldfish swimming in the swamp! As I said before desperate times call for desperate measures and since none of you can even take care of a goldfish much less a child…"
"Actually Zartan," Road Pig coughed speaking with his Donald persona. "I do have a certification in child care."
"What?" Zartan did a double take. "You?"
"Yeah D-Donald and me both t-took college courses on it along with half a dozen other stuff," Road Pig said enthusiastically using his other personality.
"Wait a minute," Torch held up his hand. "I can see Donald going to college but how did you get in Road Pig?"
"Oh yes this is a wonderful environment for raising a child," Zartan held his head with his hand. "Got some real Mensa candidates here for her to model herself on."
"Ah yes, college…" Donald sighed. "Those five and a half months I spent in the hallowed halls of knowledge were some of the happiest of my life."
"Y-Yeah good ol' Tallyme Banana University and Bartending School in the Caribbean," Road Pig smiled. "We probably would have graduated with a Masters Degree in psychology, education and cocktail mixing if it wasn't for that cheating scandal."
"You were caught cheating on a test?" Torch asked.
"Of course not," Donald huffed. "We would never sink so low."
"We was caught cheating with the dean's wife in the student body hot tub!" Road Pig added.
"I'm afraid our departure was rather messy…" Donald coughed. "Then again crimes of passion usually are. I wonder if there's still an arrest warrant out on us?"
"I wonder if they cleaned all the blood stains off of the ceiling?" Road Pig added.
"It's not the fact that your mother ran away that I'm mad at," Zartan told his baby girl. "Believe me I sympathize with her. It's the fact that she left you here with them I'm ticked off about!"
"Just like you are going to do," Ripper pointed out. Zartan gave him a dirty look. "I know, I know…Shut up."
"As I was saying," Donald spoke again. "Before our abrupt departure we did manage to obtain several certificates including child care and dog grooming."
"Yeah we was g-gonna open up a day care slash p-pit bull training facility," Road Pig added. "Didn't work out so well. Them poor dogs never had a chance."
"Oh…" Zartan was getting a headache. "Just watch her all right! You don't have to do much! In fact I would appreciate it if you interacted with her as little as possible! Just don't screw up or else!" He stormed out of the building.
"Ever notice he never specifically states what 'or else' is?" Buzzer asked the others.
"If it's anything like the time I set fire to his private bathroom and he tied me to an alligator which was tied to a rocket I don't want to know," Torch shuddered.
"Oh this stinks!" Ripper grunted as Baby Zanya happily giggled. "Why do we have to look after the little rug rat?"
"Yeah we're Dreadnoks," Buzzer agreed. "We're grown men for crying out loud. Anybody see my grape soda and my Bugs Bunny cartoons tape?"
"Gentlemen I believe you fail to grasp the opportunity that has fallen into our laps," Donald said. "This is not only an excellent way to rise higher in Zartan's esteem but an excellent way to acquire adequate remuneration."
"Not only that it's a great way to suck up to the boss and get some cash!" Road Pig added.
"As much as I hate to admit it, they've got a point," Monkeywrench said. "Think about it, if we do a good job looking after Zartan's kid not only will he not kill us, he might even reward us."
"You mean he might give us cash for watching his kid?" Buzzer realized.
"That is the general idea," Road Pig said.
"Come to Uncle Buzzer little Zanya!" Buzzer grinned as he went to pick up the baby. He was immediately hit on the head with a rattle. "OW!"
Baby Zanya giggled. "Hey, she's got good aim," Monkeywrench said. "You know she is gonna be a future Dreadnok. We got to teach her what's what."
"Yeah and if we're real nice to her when she gets bigger she'll be nice to us, know what I mean?" Road Pig smiled.
"Not really," Torch scratched his head.
"What Road Pig means is that if we treat this child right when she takes her rightful inheritance as a high ranking member of Zartan's clan and leading the Dreadnoks she may be more inclined to pay us the salary we deserve," Donald told him.
"Oh…OH!" The light went on in Torch's head. "Now I get it!"
"Yes, and if we do not want to 'get it' from Zartan I suggest we spend some time bonding with the child," Donald said as he picked up the baby.
"I say the first thing we gotta do is change that outfit," Torch pointed to the pink romper she was wearing. "Doesn't quite say Dreadnok."
Road Pig took a sniff. "That ain't the only thing that needs to be changed."
"Whoa…" Buzzer held his nose. "How can a baby so little cut one that big?"
"Torch I think you're about to lose your title as Most Smelly Dreadnok," Ripper winced.
"Hey! Nobody beats me! I'm whoooooooo!" Torch winced. "Okay…I know when I'm beat!"
"The Stink King is dead," Monkeywrench held his nose. "Long live the Stink Queen! So who's gonna change her?"
"Don't look at me!" Torch said. "I make messes! I don't clean them up!"
"Look there's only one person here with the child care degree," Buzzer looked at Road Pig. "Right Road Pig?"
"Uh tech-technically it's Donald that's got it," Road Pig sputtered before his Donald persona took over. "Oh fine! Lay all the work on me! As usual!"
Road Pig snapped. "You do not do all the work! What about those trucks I lifted and burned the other day!" Then Donald took over. "Yes! You got the fun jobs while I had to fill up the gas in the flamethrower tank and figure out a plausible escape route! Every single time this happens! You get all the glory and the fun while I'm stuck with all the tedious planning! Well maybe I wanted to blow up those trucks? Did you ever think of that?"
"Here they go again," Torch groaned as he reluctantly took the baby from Road Pig as he argued with himself.
"Yeah they're useless until they get their act together," Buzzer agreed as Road Pig wrestled himself across the room.
"And another thing! I never wanted to take the child care certification! That was your idea!" Donald screamed at Road Pig as he threw himself on the couch, destroying it. "I wanted to take the Shakespeare History class!"
"SHAKESPEARE IS STUPID!" Road Pig screamed.
"LIAR! TAKE THAT BACK!" Donald screamed as he thrashed around trying to strangle himself.
"Look Zanya…That is what we call a crazy person," Torch told the baby. "Aren't they funny?"
"Okay we gotta change her and change her outfit to make her look more like a Dreadnok," Monkeywrench sighed. "We might as well get it over with. Come on."
"So who's gonna do it?" Torch asked as he placed the baby on the changing table in her room.
"We all stand here but we gotta decide who will actually do the deed fair and square," Ripper said. "The standard Dreadnok challenge. Whoever has drunk the least amount of beers in the last twenty four hours has to do it. Torch you go first."
"Uh let's see…" Torch thought. "I had two for breakfast, one for a midmorning snack…Then there were those five the other night or was it six? Uhhhh…I'll say eight beers!"
"Nine beers," Ripper said quickly, even though he knew he only had seven.
"Ten beers," Monkeywrench added, even though he had even less.
"Eleven beers," Buzzer said quickly, not really caring how many beers he had. "You lose Torch."
"Man I always loose at that game!" Torch groaned. "No matter how many beers I try to drink in one day for some reason it's never more than what you lot drink!"
"Yeah how about that?" Buzzer whistled.
"Just get on with it," Ripper snapped.
"Oh all right how bad can this be?" Torch grumbled. "I mean I once cleaned out an entire stall full of…HOLY MACKEREL! WHAT THE DEVIL DID THIS KID EAT?"
"AAAAAHHHH!" The other Dreadnoks screamed. The baby just giggled.
"I heard stories but I didn't think they were true!" Buzzer held his nose.
"Well they are! Change her! Change her!" Monkeywrench cried.
"EWW! SHE JUST WET ON ME! SHE PEED ON ME!" Torch cried.
"So what? You pee on yourself all the time!" Buzzer snapped.
"That's different! When it's your own it's not so bad!" Torch cried out as he fled the room. "Gotta clean! Gotta clean!"
"The only time we will ever hear him say those words," Ripper groaned as he took over. "Come on let's get this over with! Uh how to we wrap this thing around her?"
Several hours later…
"I swear if I ever catch that woman I will…" Zartan grumbled to his sister and brother as they returned to their hideout. "What in the world?"
There was broken furniture and other broken things everywhere. Newspapers were all over the floor. There was paint on the walls. Road Pig was unconscious in a corner and there were markings all over his face. Torch was in his underwear burning his jeans in the fireplace muttering 'Unclean, unclean.' Buzzer and Ripper were standing by a large hole in the wall arguing. Monkeywrench was on the floor playing with building blocks. Right next to him was baby Zanya wearing a green top, a baby dog collar choker on her neck and her little hair was dyed green and in pig tails. She was gnawing at a handle of a gun.
"Well it's in better shape than I thought it would be," Zandar remarked. "This is a record for them."
"They dyed her hair green?" Zartan blinked.
"It looks good on her," Zandar remarked. His siblings looked at him. "Well it does!"
"Where's her diaper?" Zarana blinked as she saw her niece was bottomless.
"It was easier to let her run around and just put newspaper under her," Buzzer explained when he realized Zartan and his siblings had come back.
"Is she teething on a gun?" Zartan asked.
"It's empty," Monkeywrench said. "I emptied out the cartridge myself! See the holes on the ceiling?" He pointed to the holes in the ceiling.
"And the hole in the wall?" Zartan asked.
"Oh we was trying to show the baby how to properly use a grenade launcher," Buzzer said. "And this dope had the setting on too high!"
"I did not!" Buzzer snapped.
"And the reason Torch is burning his clothes?" Zartan sighed.
"He tried to change Zanya twice," Monkeywrench explained. "Which lead to the newspaper idea."
"Yes this is pretty much what I thought would happen when I left her with you lot," Zartan sighed.
"Unclean…Unclean…" Torch shivered.
"Although I must admit Torch suddenly becoming a neat freak is a bit of a twist," Zartan rolled his eyes.
"Next time you should leave the baby in charge," Zarana groaned.
"Don't think I haven't considered that option," Zartan sighed. "More than once we really need to hire a nanny…For the Dreadnoks!"