A story or an Elf, and Ent and their communist kid who burns her bra and dates Russian women.
A/N: Unfortunately, 'Crap' isn't an option for a category here, so I chose romance, because it was the next best thing. You don't need a summary, just read the title.
And, if I offend anyone, I believe the response you will receive will be 'Na na nanana!" among other childish retorts. It's 1:30 in the morning. I have had 3 coffees and 4 bottles of V. It's enough to send anyone over the edge. Enjoy!
Deciduous was unlike the others of her kin. No, I'm not talking about her unusually large forehead that doubled as the Imax screen for Friday night movies, or her 'special need's. Not even her 'elvish' name that was in a dialect of Silvan so ancient, not even Galadriel remembered it, Celeborn was almost positive it was made up, and had Tolkien turning in his grave at his language he spent decades perfecting, massacred by a fangirl in the first paragraph of her 'story'.
No, Deciduous was special in other ways. She was of the 'ancient Elves'. Before the days of Iluvatar, was her kin brought to Middle Earth. No, it doesn't matter that Iluvatar is the undisputed father of all Elves, that he in fact was the creator of Middle Earth and all of its inhabitants. Why? Because I'm the author and I damn well say so.
But her differences went further than her ancient heritage. Like the fact her father was second cousin to Tree Beard. Such close relations gave her the gift to speak with the trees, to bring them to life. Just like her father the Ent. Having an Ent as your Dad certainly did have it's perks, but at every athletics carnival, or Cross Country Run, it got a bit annoying when all the other kids would yell 'Run Forest, Run!' every time she entered a contest. And she got a bit sick of the fact she shed leaves every autumn. Her mother was an 'Elf' by the loosest possible definition. She also had it off with Iluvatar in where ever they dwelled before taking their trip to Middle Earth, but Iluvatar, being the typical male – elf or not – was late. Deciduous' mother, Bob, threw a hissy fit, said he cared more about his precious job than he ever did about her, and jumped him on Jerry Springer, when she uncovered that she was now in love a rock called Merciceal. Iluvatar's excuse that he was busy creating Middle Earth, coming with the territory of being the 'All-Father' and all, which she was fully aware of when she began dating him, didn't fly. Iluvatar tried to take out the rock, but was held back by Steve, so he mopped off the set, and it was believed he started to make blueprints for the Men, in an effort to get back at Bob, which is why they turned out so damn screwy.
Bob and Mercieal's relationship didn't last, and within 2 weeks, Bob had moved on to Deciduous' father, Mr Stumpy, yet another short-lived relationship. But, unfortunately, they didn't have the morning after pill in Middle Earth, and coat hangers weren't easily accessible, so poor Bob was left with the little snotty nosed brat. As with every story, Bob hated Deciduous, and told her every day how she wished she was never born, as she rips off her leaves that pop up from time to time.
This of cause has nothing to do with the story. Neither does what Deciduous looks like, but you're gonna find out anyway.
Because, you see, Deciduous was gorgeous. In fact, the only competition Deciduous really had was Legolas, whom every year since he/she/it was born, took out the Miss Woodland Realm contest, which really pissed Deciduous off. She's always say it was rigged because Legolas was the Kings' kid. Nobody will vote against him, or King Thranduil would throw them in the dungeon. She was probably right. She's had a bitch about urban injustice, about the Northern Mirkwood kiddies having it so much better compared to the southerners. But nobody really listened. Bob and Mr Stumpy had gone to visit Judge Judy. Both had decided they wanted to get rid of her. They knew a lovely man who lived near their home on the hill of Amon Lanc. He had a big estate he'd named Dol Guldur, which she would just love.
The fact that anyone inhabited, Southern Mirkwood, or rather the fact that it even existed came as quite a shock to Thranduil, when he received the request from the budding communist Deciduous, that Southern Mirkwood become an autonomous collective, and renamed Cuba.
To anyone else, Southern Mirkwood, or Cuba as Deciduous had renamed it, was a stinky old swamp. Well, that is what it was. But Deciduous being the beautiful, loving elfent that she was, saw the hole as a wonderful magnificent place. Who cares if it looks like Kurnell Mangroves after a Caltex oil spill and smells suspiciously like it too, Deciduous loved it. It was her home.
But back to how good-looking she is. Because that's what is important her folks. You see, Deciduous had piercing blue eyes, which were sometimes green, but never brown. That was just too average for our sexy star. She had flaming red hair that magically changed colour with her mood. It turned baby shit green when she was confused, lost or in any other way a bimbo.
She had the perfect shape, perfect long legs, a perfect smile, the perfect height, to match her perfect boobies and the perfect way she'd always fall over, due to her perfect proportions being, well, perfectly out of proportion.
And you see, while I have written 800 words of pure junk that has undoubtedly fascinated the whole 3 fangirls and that one fat bloke who is only here because he doesn't want to get up that have read it, to a point where they are performing frontal lobotomies with biros, while 3 bottles of empty Black Douglas and a whole heap of Guinness lay scattered around them, it's all totally irrelevant. Well, that's the position they would be in if the fangirls where older than 12 and knew what a lobotomy was, and the bloke's porno didn't just finish downloading.
Aragorn and Legolas rode merrily through the forest of Mirkwood. Yes, I don't know how they manage to ride through so damn happily either when most of it is over run by Spiders and other nasties. But I guess if I didn't read the book, I can pled ignorance.
And so they rode merrily, along the lovely road, in a very heterosexual with no slashiness at all implied. Unless you count holding hands and reciting Romeo and Juliet 'Slash'.
"Whoa There" cried Legolas, rasing his right arm in an overly dramatic sort of way, "I sense great evil is afoot'
He looked suspiciously at Aragorn, who simply shrugged and said, "Hey don't look at me, I have to wash now. Bloody stupid Elrond and his Elvish ways. 'You need to wash more than once every 6 months, Estel'" he mimicked. Who is this 'Estel' the fan girls ask?
Legolas was about to plunge into a deep and meaningful conversation with Aragorn on the importance of regular personal hygiene, and the need to wash your hands after using the little boys room, when, all of a sudden, a fair maiden jumped from the bushes. (Insert dirty joke here)
And we reach a fork in the road. Well, actually, several. We have the 'Fangirl' route, which consists of one of three paths. 1) Legolas falls in love with our jumping out of the bush girl, and she reciprocates. 2) Legolas falls in love, but she's a bad arse girl who looks up to the likes of Buffy and the Halliwell sisters and acts like a complete jackass to our Crown Prince of Mirkwood, even though, he's, you know, THE CROWN PRINCE OF MIRKWOOD. Or 3) Both Aragorn and Legolas leave years of friendship, in which they have entrusted their lives with in the hands of the other, and fight it out for the bushy lady. Usually, that ends in Slash, however, and they realise their love for each other, and the Fire Engine (that'd be me) throws up her the computer, and half the games in front of me because they are not gay!. (Well, Aragorn isn't. Legolas, well, everyone he belongs with Elrohir. Or Glorfindel. Maybe Haldir. But usually, its just Elrohir! Read Greenleaf and Imlardris. Soo cute!!)
Then, of cause, we have Go You Big Red Fire Engine's (geez I need a shorter name.) scenario that involves lots of arrows, blood and generally hurt feelings.
Or, you know, the plausible one. Where Leggy is a good little daddies boy and brings the trespasser to Thranduil castle, and he throws her in the dungeon. But then there would be no real story, so lets go for FanGirl path 2!
"Why, hello there fair maiden, may I help you there?" Legolas asked, sweetness oozing in a very out of character kind of way.
"No! Go away you evil man. I do not need your help! I am quite a capable woman, thank you" she spat, insulted someone would offer her help.
"But milady, I simply wish to assist you. In..whatever..you were, um. Doing" Legolas learnt in that moment, Elves certainly do suffer from the occasional speech impediment.
"Very smooth" Estel whispered, jeering on Legolas in support.
"You feel because I am a woman, I need your help" uh oh. Feminist speech, "I do not need the aid of men! I burnt my bra! I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR"
"Dude, I think the Shire heard you. Maybe if you yell a bit louder, the Undying Lands will next time" Estel advised.
"Do not insult me, you mere mortal!"
"This is no mere mortal.."
"..Legolas, shut up. You're not suppose to say that for another 60 years, dude"
"Oh, right. Sorry"
"Look. I really do not like you two. And while I could have snuck away while you two argued then, I chose to stay, to work up a load of sexual tension between you, and myself Legolas. Even though I HATE you"
Then there an awkward settled over the forest of 'Southern Mirkwood'.
"Right. Well, maybe we should leave it there. We'll be off" Legolas spoke, jumping back on his saddled horse, even though it was specified the Elves ride bareback. And they were off.
"Deciduous! Where the hell have you bloody well been!" Bob screamed, coming up behind her daughter, almost tripping over her roots, "I finally found someone for you to marry"
"What?" Deciduous screamed back, "I told you mother, I will not marry any man! You cannot make me! I will be nobody's chamber maid!"
"Yeah yeah, right. Look, I need land. You need a husband. Deal"
"how many times to I have to tell you, I am in love. With this lovely Russian lady, monobrow."
Bob looked sceptical, "Listen here young lady..err, tree. I WILL NOT have any member of my family, wanted or not, marrying and damned Red! No Russian, understand!"
"Geez, you went out with a bloody rock"
"Was it a communist rock?" Deciduous fell silent, as Bob continued, "Anyway, like I said. I need land. The castle is slumping, we live on a bloody swap!"
"We have a Castle? I thought we were a poor single parent family with no food, or clothes of our back!"
"Well, that's what I tell Centrelink. I always leave out the assets part. Anyway, like I said. We live in a bleedin' swamp! They said it wouldn't be done! Building a Castle on a Swamp, but I wanted to prove 'em wrong! And so I built it! Well, the first one sunk. So I built a second one! And it sunk. So I built a third. It's caught on fire, fell down, and then sunk. And I built a forth one! And proved them wrong, I did!"
"No you didn't, Ground Force did the back yard, and Room for Improvement did the interiors"
"Shut up. My point is, your marrying the Prince of Mirkwood. So I get to leave this shitty swamp behind me!"
"I love the swamp! I do not want to leave it, especially not for some wombat headed, magpie legged Prince!"
"Too bad, sunshine. Dinners in the fridge. I'm going to Gondor, Denethor is having a HUGE barbeque with his son! Toddles!"
"What's up brother?"
"What? I am not your brother"
"It's a figure of speech, dude, calm down" Aragorn replied, "So, Lego, wassup?"
"For starter, never call me 'Lego'. I am insulted you would ever attribute me to a child's building block"
"Dude, there is only so many jokes you can make about that before the readers get all shitty"
"I believe they already are"
Uncomfortable Silence
"You gonna tell me what's wrong, or do I need to ask again?"
"My Adar is forcing me in to an arranged marriage, with a princess from Southern Mirkwood"
"Wait. There actually is a Southern Mirkwood?"
Legolas just shrugged and continued, "I mean, it makes no sense. Elves never ever marry out of convenience"
"What about Galadriel and Celeborn?"
"Oh, they just spent a night in Vegas, bit too much to drink. You know how it goes"
"Right"
"So, anyway, it makes no sense. At all. He says he needs a heir, but mate, he's over 3000 years old! He's gonna live forever, it's not like the dweeb has been in a war recently. Plus, I'm always here. Aren't I his heir?"
"Well, judging by your age, and his age, you can't be blamed for assuming you were the youngest outta our family, right? I mean, even if your not, your bound to have some siblings. That, and dude, you still, like a kid. You'd be, what? 500, 600 years old? Youngest in all the books!"
"I know, Mellon Nin, It makes little sense. I do not understand it"
"Dude, I'm talking like a Year 9 Canterbury Boys drop out in the Third Age of Middle Earth, and your trying to make sense of the situation?"
Legolas paused and considered Estel before resuming, "So, have you seen the Mithrandir recently?"
"Gandalf? Nup. Said something about taking over at some school.. Hogwarts, or something of the like…"
Well, there's my crap kid. Review, Flame, throw rotten eggs.. :P