Head Above Water
Word Count: ~ 3.600
Summary: Ianto takes a drug that reduces his mindset to that of a slave and Jack can't cope.
Characters: Jack Harkness, Ianto Jones, Owen Harper, Gwen Cooper, Toshiko Sato
Pairing: Jack/Ianto, Ianto/Lisa Hallett (hinted)
Rating: NC-17
Spoiler: Everything Changes, Cyberwoman, Small Worlds, Greeks Bearing Gifts, They Keep Killing Suzie, Captain Jack Harkness / Doctor Who: The Sound Of Drums, The Last Of The Time Lords
Setting: starts after Greeks Bearing Gifts
Warnings: Dub-Con, suicidal thoughts
Contains: Enslavement (kind of), sex
Author's Note: Written for this dark_fest prompt: Torchwood, Jack/Ianto, Ianto erases his entire personality and parts of his memory using alien tech in order to be the perfect butler for Torchwood; Jack has to figure out a way to fix him (if he can). I hope this is what you wanted.
Beta: Eleanor Harkness-Jones, thank you!
Disclaimer: I'm not making money with this fanfic. The tv-show Torchwood and the characters appearing within it belong to their producers and creators. Any similarities to living or dead persons are purely coincidental and not intended.
xxx
So, don't forget to breathe
Don't forget to breathe
Your whole life is here
No eleventh hour reprieve
So, don't forget to breathe
Keep your head above water
And don't forget to breathe
(Breathe by Alexi Murdoch)
Ianto Jones was a Torchwood archivist. Various technologies, drugs and medicines that had fallen through the Rift to Cardiff during the last hundred years or so passed through his hands every single day while he reorganized the archives of Torchwood Three. Some of the things he saw were harmless and boring, others were fascinating, causing him to pause and read the files on them, others were plain dangerous.
Ianto Jones was a lover. And he was grieving his dead girlfriend, killed by those he had to work with every single day. He couldn't stand their pitying looks and awkward silences, considering what they'd done. He couldn't stand the hole Lisa's death had ripped into his life, his heart and his very soul. Lisa had been everything to him; he'd risked everything for her, done everything in his might to save her… in vain. Now, he felt empty and useless and alone.
Ianto Jones was a traitor. He'd almost caused the deaths of the whole team and he was well-aware of the fact that two people had died because he'd thought that Lisa was still somewhere in that monster she'd become. The guilt gnawed at his stomach like rats, refusing him to eat properly or to sleep for longer periods of time. The others barely visited while he was on suspension and when they did, they were tense as if they feared he would attack them with one of the knives in his kitchen. After his suspension, they seemed to think that the worst was over and everything went back to how it had been before: Ianto cleaning up, Ianto getting the files needed, Ianto serving lunches, Ianto being everything but a team member. And even though he knew he deserved it, it hurt.
Ianto Jones wanted to kill himself but that would be too easy. He didn't deserve easy. So he kept living and surviving – cannibals, a hostage situation in the Hub, a Weevil in the cells that made a break for freedom.
And the day came that Ianto Jones couldn't take anymore what the traitor had done. The archivist found the perfect remedy and the lover… he wanted to die anyway.
xxx
Jack stared through the boardroom windows down at the ground floor of the main Hub. The silence behind him was so thick that he practically felt it pushing him closer to the cool glass.
"Jack?" Gwen asked tentatively. "What are we going to do now?" That was just like her, trying to find a way out, pushing him to find one, because that was what he did in her eyes. He had to admit that she had good reason to believe that he would always find a way. He prided himself on never giving up, but this… he turned around to his team. Owen was strangely sombre, sitting in his chair with Ianto's file on the table in front of him. Tosh was working on her laptop, frantically typing and searching. She seemed as focused on her work as she always was but Jack could see her hands trembling slightly. And Gwen… she stared at Ianto with widened, teary eyes, unable to understand, unable to grasp why…
Jack sighed and followed her gaze through the glass door to where Ianto was preparing a round of coffee for them. He didn't feel much different than Gwen. He couldn't understand either. Or rather, yes, he understood how grief and pain could be so overwhelming that people resorted to awful acts against themselves to deal – he'd done it himself often enough – but he didn't understand why they hadn't seen it coming. Why he hadn't seen it coming. Or had he just ignored the signs because he didn't quite know how to deal with Ianto? Because he'd betrayed them, because Jack felt hurt, because he couldn't bring himself to retcon or execute Ianto as protocol dictated him to do. In this case, Jack had ignored protocol, though. Ianto had acted out of love; there was no malice in his betrayal, as much as it hurt. That didn't mean working with him was comfortable for any of them. For Jack, it had been easier to ignore Ianto during the last weeks, letting the wounds heal slowly with the intention to then start and re-build trust. A mistake.
Jack looked at Gwen again. "I don't know," he finally answered.
Owen cleared his throat. "It has to be reversible. I don't see any brain damage on his scans. The drug just blocks certain parts like memory and personality, it didn't switch them off."
Tosh seemed shocked by that. "Are you saying he's still in there somewhere? Feeling, thinking, aware of what's happening… calling for help, maybe?"
"Maybe. I doubt he's calling for help, though. He took the drug willingly after all."
Gwen suggested, "Maybe he didn't know what it would do?"
Jack shook his head. "He did. The file on it was pulled by him just yesterday. He must have read it."
The door to the boardroom opened and Ianto entered with their coffees. Everybody looked at him, shocked into silence by his presence. When Ianto set down Gwen's mug, she whispered, "Thank you."
"You're welcome," he answered flatly and went to Jack, offering him the last mug on the tray. Jack took it and grabbed Ianto's arm with his other hand, pulling him closer.
No indignation at the treatment showed on Ianto's face, no anger or fear or even amusement. Blank, blue eyes rose to look at Jack's. "Anything I can do for you, sir?"
Jack stared at Ianto, searchingly, but there didn't seem anything of him left in his eyes. Jack shook his head and let go of him.
"I will head down to the archives then." Ianto turned away and left.
Gwen waited until the boardroom door had closed to ask, "Why would he do that? Why would he turn himself into …"
"A slave?" Jack asked. Gwen's sharp eyes met his. He shrugged. "That's what Fedas does. It turns you into a slave." He smiled bitterly. "In the 34th century, there's no need to be uncivilized and beat slaves into obeying."
"There are slaves in the future?" Gwen asked.
"There will always be slaves in some part of the universe. Humans will resort back to having them again as well for a little while."
Owen rolled his eyes. "How do we get rid of ours, then? There must be a way to reverse it."
"I'm sure there is but I don't know it."
Owen rubbed his eyes tiredly. "Okay. Luckily, there's still a vial of Fedas left. I'm gonna analyze it, try to make out the components and find an antidote."
Tosh asked, "How long will that take?"
"Well, considering that we still got regular work to do, a few weeks at least."
Gwen frowned in disapproval. "Weeks?"
"Yes, weeks," Owen answered, irritated, "because it's not like baking a cake! I have to make sure that the antidote works and I have to make sure that it won't kill Ianto!" He got up. "Even though we would probably do him a favour by doing that." With that he left.
Gwen looked at Jack. "What are we supposed to do with him until then?"
Jack shook his head. "There's not much to be done."
"So, what? We just let him be our slave?" The distaste about that thought was evident on her face.
Jack didn't like it either but there weren't many ways they could deal with this situation. Ianto had blocked his entire personality and taken away all his memories. All that was left of him was basic knowledge and obedience. Jack crossed his arms. "We let him do his job and we keep him in the Hub for the time being. Just to be on the safe side."
xxx
The next few weeks were incredibly busy, with the team running for their lives more than once and Ianto quietly and efficiently pottering away in the Hub. He didn't mind being cooped up down here, he didn't mind being left alone most of the time, he didn't mind anything apparently. Jack caught himself thinking that this was exactly how things had been before Lisa and immediately berated himself. Before Lisa, there had been flirting and innuendo and quiet evenings catching up on paperwork before making out like teenagers. There had been understanding looks when the burden of leadership became too much to bear for Jack. There had been deeply satisfying sex. Now, Ianto was there and not there. Neutral and fading into the background. Not saying anything unless asked directly and even then, he remained focused solely on his tasks.
At the beginning, Jack had tried to use the situation to repair what had been broken by Ianto's betrayal. He'd tried to unburden himself like he used to, to reach out a hand in the hopes a reaction would come, but it was like talking to a wall. With Ianto's personality, his warmth and wit and surprising wisdom had gone. Jack was too late. The damage was done. Jack caught himself thinking more than once that Ianto should have just shot himself. It was Tosh he surprised with that statement one day and she answered, "Maybe he didn't want to die."
"As if this is so much better," Jack answered. "Trapped in his own mind. Probably seeing what's going on and unable to react to it." He watched Ianto gather up trash in the main Hub, slowly walking from desk to desk, thoroughly looking into every corner.
Tosh followed his gaze and crossed her arms, leaning against Jack's desk. "Maybe he wanted to punish us."
Jack sighed deeply. "Or himself."
xxx
It was Suzie who finally broke through the carefully constructed dam Jack had built around his feelings of being a failure, of being not good enough a leader and of letting his team down – the only people left on this world who still cared about him. Or at least pretended to. It had started shortly after Jack had taken over command and recruited a new team. Ben had been the first victim of Jack's leadership; cute, shy Ben Brown who'd been torn apart by a pack of Weevils because Jack had turned his back on him for a minute to joke with Suzie over the comm. links.
Later, Suzie had tried to console him, "You couldn't have known there were more of them."
But Ben had been inexperienced in the field and it had been Jack's decision to take him to round up the Weevil the CCTV had caught in Butetown. Because hunting a Weevil was easy and kind of a rite of passage for Torchwood Agents. Yes, Ben had been Jack's first failure as a leader. And then, it just got worse. Suzie falling for the glove and killing herself after turning on Jack and trying to kill Gwen, Ianto hiding a Cyberwoman in the basement, Estelle, Jack endangering his team in the Brecon Beacons, Tosh bringing a complete stranger into the Hub, Ianto taking the Fedas… and now, Suzie had come back, had turned on Jack and tried to kill Gwen – again. It was too much.
So when he found Ianto filling out Suzie's death certificate – something he should do, it was his fault after all for neglecting her in the first place, for not paying attention – Jack reached the end of his rope. "I should be doing that."
"It's part my job, sir," Ianto replied.
Jack grabbed the clipboard from Ianto's hands and pushed him aside to stand beside Suzie. "It's my job," he repeated. Suzie's face was serene, almost happy. Jack found himself hoping that, this time, she'd found peace. Even though he was pretty sure she hadn't. He knew what awaited them in death. Silence, darkness… forever.
"It wasn't my intention to anger you, sir," Ianto said.
"Yeah, right," Jack snapped. "Nothing's your intention anymore." He snorted. "And yet you manage to fuck up. Look at you. You're pathetic."
Of course, that didn't cause any reaction at all.
Jack glared at Ianto. "Just how is turning yourself into a doormat helping you to make things better? It's making everything worse." Ianto just looked at him. Jack's anger reached its peak. "Because I feel fucking guilty now!" he said and pushed Ianto a step back. "Was that what you wanted?" He pushed him again. Ianto yielded, stumbled. He regained his footing, though, which irritated Jack just more. "You…" Another push. "Suzie…" A harder push this time. "... Alex!" He pushed Ianto hard enough to make him fall. "The Doctor!"
"Jack!" Owen's sharp voice startled him and he looked at him, standing at the entrance to the morgue with a deep frown cut into his forehead. "Take it out on the shooting range! Or find somebody else to pick a fight with! Somebody who will actually defend themselves!"
Jack took one last look at Ianto, lying on the floor and staring up at him as if he was waiting for the beating to start. Jack threw the clipboard at him and left, brushing past Owen.
Only when he woke up from death a few hours later did he realize that the words he'd bombarded Ianto with had been meant for himself.
xxx
When Jack called Ianto after his eighth death sitting next to John in the car, he was for the very first time grateful for Ianto's condition. No curious glances, no awkward questions; just quiet, efficient help in getting Ianto's car – the one he hadn't used in more than two months – back to the Hub and John's body into cold storage.
Jack was so grateful for the silence that he startled when Ianto suddenly said, "You smell of exhaust fumes, sir. A shower would be beneficial and I will get your coat dry-cleaned first thing in the morning, if you don't mind." He stood quietly in Jack's office then, waiting for the decision. Jack stared at him. At first, he thought that he saw worry on Ianto's face but now it occurred to him that Ianto just picked up on facts and his programming was doing the rest of the job.
He cleared his throat and pulled off his coat. "Good idea." He handed Ianto the garment, stepping closer. When Ianto turned to walk away, Jack caught his hand and pulled him back, saying softly, "Wait." Ianto obeyed. Jack cupped his cheek and tilted his head up to look into Ianto's eyes. "Thank you." Ianto's gaze remained blank, devoid of emotion. Jack closed his eyes and whispered again, "Thank you, Ianto." And then he kissed him. Just chastely, friendly at first, but then his arms came around Ianto's waist, pulling him closer, tucking his warmth against Jack's body. Ianto's hands settled on Jack's shoulders. Jack kissed Ianto's cheek, nuzzling down to his lips and his chin. Ianto smelled just like he used to before everything went wrong. Arousal slammed into Jack when he remembered heated skin and caresses, soft moans and gentle laughter, sex… and beyond all that he remembered feeling taken care of, warm and comfortable and happy. And right now, this seemed like something he needed again when all he felt was guilt and cold and loss and lonely. His hands trembled, tightened on Ianto's waist and he was ready to go further, to throw away all his doubts and ignore the quiet voice in his mind that told him he was essentially degrading Ianto to a sex slave… after all, nobody would know, Ianto wouldn't tell… but then, Ianto's quiet voice pulled him from his thoughts, shattering the fantasy into pieces.
"How do you want me, sir?"
"What?" Jack asked.
"I can do whatever you want, sir. All you have to do is…"
Jack's hand covered Ianto's mouth. He squeezed his eyes shut. "Don't talk," he whispered. "Just be Ianto. Be Ianto, please." He backed Ianto against a wall and kissed him, more passionate this time. Relief flooded his system when Ianto responded. "Be Ianto," he panted against his lips, keeping his eyes shut tightly, pulling roughly on Ianto's belt, then his trousers, his pants. Ianto was aroused – a biological reaction, Jack knew, but the why didn't matter now. All that mattered was Ianto's smell, his breaths – irregular and interspersed with moans – the taste of his sweat. Ianto's hands pushed Jack's braces down and opened his trousers, nimble fingers rubbing against Jack's cock.
The sex was rough and urgent and dirty and left them in a breathless tangle of limbs on the office floor. When Ianto tried to get up, Jack grabbed him and pulled him close. "Not yet," he whispered. He tucked Ianto's head under his chin. "Stay." He didn't want Ianto to leave yet, because even though the sex had been good, a release of pent-up tension, Jack still felt cold.
xxx
It happened again after Owen was almost killed by a Weevil and then again after Jack met the real Captain Harkness. The next morning, Owen entered Jack's office and gave him a report on his progress in healing Ianto, using a lot of complicated, Latin words that didn't tell Jack a thing. "What does that mean?" he finally interrupted.
Owen pressed his lips together and avoided Jack's eyes. "It's too advanced, too dangerous."
"You can't heal him."
Owen swallowed thickly. "I can't heal him."
That night, Jack looked into Ianto's eyes while he moved within him slowly, his body trembling with the effort of holding back and tears gathering in his eyes. Ianto's harsh panting was the only thing encouraging him to go on; instinct colouring Ianto's eyes a dark shade of blue. There was no emotion there, no love or tenderness or recognition, just the primal need to find release and the knowledge that Jack would tell him when he was allowed to.
Jack came with a guttural shout and collapsed onto Ianto. His panting breaths became heaving sobs. It felt like all the desperation and grief and sadness and guilt and shame – so much shame – finally found an outlet and once he started, he was unable to stop. He curled around Ianto and pulled him close. When tentative hands came to rest on his back, stroking gently he startled and raised his head to look at Ianto, his hope flaring, maybe… but Ianto just stared at him and Jack realized that he was doing what his conditioning told him to do. The question if Jack was alright, if there was anything he could do, was clear to see in his eyes, but Jack had forbidden him to speak when they were together like this, so he didn't actually ask. Jack put his head down against Ianto's shoulder again. He didn't stop crying, though, allowing himself this weakness, this raw grief… for just one night.
xxx
The next morning, after they had gotten dressed, Jack stopped Ianto from climbing the ladder up to his office by laying a hand on his shoulder. Ianto looked at him and Jack tightened the knot of his tie, making sure it sat as it was supposed to. Then he cupped Ianto's face. "Listen to me," he said softly, staring into Ianto's eyes, trying to see past the blank space right to where the real Ianto was trapped. Maybe. Hopefully. "Owen told me there's nothing he can do for you at the moment. Not without risking your life in the process. Believe me, though, when I say that we'll find a way and we'll get you back." He swallowed. "For the moment, though…" He caressed Ianto's cheeks with his thumbs. "We have to accept that we can't do anything."
Ianto stayed silent. He always did when they talked about his condition. Owen thought that maybe Ianto didn't understand what was wrong. For all he knew, this was his entire life.
Jack kissed him chastely. "You have to know one thing, though: I forgive you for what you did," he whispered, "and I'm sorry for what we did."
"Thank you, sir," Ianto said politely.
Jack pulled him into a hug. "I should have told you sooner, then this wouldn't have happened." He smiled sadly. "It's too late now."
Ianto pulled out of the embrace. "It's never too late, sir." With that, he nodded and climbed up the ladder.
Only months later, when Jack hung from chains in the Master's torture chamber on the Valiant did he realize that those words could have been a small spark of the real Ianto coming through. The way things looked at the moment, he would never know…
END
03/12