The Origin of A SuperHero
SuperHero/Villain: Superhero
Summary: Edward Cullen has an incredible secret. He and his brothers have a freaky power. They can't hug their mom any more. What's with all the awkward situations?
See, many people would naturally assume I was OCD, or that I was a germophobe. Or a totally awkward, inappropriate, rude and arrogant social retard. My brothers knew – and kept – my secret, mainly because it was theirs as well.
They were socially acceptable, however, simply because they always, always wore gloves.
Emmett was our joker, forever getting into trouble with his boss at the zoo, creating awkward situations at any and all parties we were invited to, and basically anywhere that women could be found. Jasper was smooth, calm, collected, and oozed charm. Total hit with women, but he had his Alice to keep them at bay. Which she did, frequently.
I was... for want of a better word or phrase, I was the also-ran. No social skills, never been kissed... total geek, nerd and loser extraordinaire. It wasn't for want of trying, though. It was more the fact that every woman who came into contact with my bare skin immediately – and I mean immediately went into the passionate throes of toe-tingling orgasm. Honestly, before we all discovered our little... problem, we thought Emmett's then-girlfriend had Permanent Sexual Arousal Syndrome, and Jasper's one-true-love, more often known as Alice was just highly attracted to him.
Not so. The Cullen-Hale boys were most definitely not that lucky. We have this ability, y'see, that kicked in at puberty and never really goes away. One poke from our mucky, mucky hands and whoever we're touching at the time will explode through their orgasm.
It got really awkward giving mom a hug. Really awkward. Never wanted to go through that one again, so our family got pretty distant. Dad was always around – never actually giving us the manly handshake that every other father in the world did, but tipping his hat when we graduated high-school, smiling and nodding at us as we went through our lives, and letting us know he approved as we grew up.
"Hey, Jizzmaster-" My brother's booming voice made me jolt out of my skin, and I almost threw my coffee all over myself. Thankfully, I caught myself in time to keep my jeans dry.
"The fuck do you want?"
"Well, see..." Emmett sat down beside me heavily, once again making my coffee slop around in the cup. "I've been thinking,"
"Don't hurt yourself."
"Funny, Jizzward." Douchebag. "Anyway, I was thinking about how we actually got like this-"
"You mean how we got to be the creators and destroyers of our own sex live-"
"And I have considered Radioactive Spiders, and Kryptonite-" His voice rose as I tried to speak over him.
"-And how we're basically single for the rest of our –"
"And I've thought about meteorites, and everything you could basically think of." There was a short pause, "And I've come back to the same damn conclusion."
"What, Genetic Malfunction?" I sighed, "Em, it was always pretty obvious that we're genetically fucked up. I mean, come on, we can make women. Come. With. One. Touch."
"I know, but you know, I'm a bit..." Slow, "Unconvinced." He sighed, "Where the hell would it have come from?"
"I don't know, Emmett. It just came." Like every woman I ever touched. "Anyway, I thought you were enjoying yourself with it?"
"Yeah, really, there's only so many times that you can spank the monkey – literally."
"I don't know how you're still working at the zoo. Seriously." I shook my head, intending to return to my morning paper, but he clapped me on the back and howled with laughter.
"The grannies find it hilarious!" He laughed, tugging on his jumpsuit sleeves and sighing, "'Which one next, old lady?' 'The rhino'" He mimed it all out as well. Something I've never, ever wished to envisage. "Anyway, I've gotta jet." There was a pause, "Elephant duty today."
Still smirking, he got up, taking my coffee from my hands and downing it in almost one gulp before throwing the mug in the sink, grabbing his jacket and heading out of the door. Just before it closed behind him, he stopped, poked his head back around the door and grinned.
"What, Emmett?" I just wanted to be left alone with my poor, pathetic existence.
"What d'ya do if an elephant comes through your window?" I sighed. Same joke, same punchline. It never got any funnier, especially not after the nine-thousandth time he'd told me it.
"I don't know, Emmett."
"Swim." And, laughing raucously all the way down the hallway – for I could hear him through the paper-thin walls, he let the door slam behind him and went off to work.
Asshole.
.
.
My phone was ringing. Everything was dark, and the incessant noise of my cellphone was not doing the pounding of my head any favours. Slapping around my bedside table in the darkness, I finally felt my fingers close around the offending piece of technology, sighed and opened my eyes a crack – only just enough to be able to read the message.
"Jizzward, get up, get dressed, get to the zoo." Emmett. Why on earth was he there now? It was three A.M, for Christ's sake!
"Why?"
"Shit's goin down."
With a cryptic message like that, who could resist?
Sighing, I turned over in my bed, sighed and stuck my head under the pillow, groaning and sighing again as two more messages came through. Yeah, I turned that motherfucker off.
.
.
Morning broke to the sound of voices in the hallway, one of them shrill and unusually high pitched – especially considering I lived with my two brothers, and Alice was on a post-graduate sabbatical...
Without thinking, I rolled out of bed, pulled a pair of boxers on and pulled open my door. Good thing my reflexes are prime. The crash that sounded about eight millimetres from where my head had been only moments before made my heart pound and my eyes water.
That was my plate! Fuck that, that could have been my face!
"What the fuck?" I yelled the words, and the brown-haired blur that had been flinging our kitchen utensils all over the room stopped, stared and glanced at me.
"Ask him!" She shrieked, lobbing what looked like a ladle at Emmett's head. "He fucking kidnapped me!"
"She didn't come!" Emmett held up his hands in surrender, "So I had to bring her here!" What?
"What do you mean? She came; she's here, isn't she?"
"She has a name!" The little brunette thing screamed out again, scaring the shit out of me, because novody that small should have lungs that big – or tits, for that matter, and hers looked as htough they were jutting out at least a foot. "And my eyes are up here."
So I risked a glance at her face.
"Holy-shi-" I nearly collapsed at the her beauty. Shining brown eyes to match her hair, which was plaited, now that I looked at it, big, heart shaped mouth... she was stunning. And I couldn't have her. "Ah, FML." I muttered quietly.
"Thanks, asshole. I'm Bella, nice to meet you." Without another word, she reached forward and grabbed my hand, and I half expected her to hit the floor. Stunned when she didn't, I stood frozen as she attempted to vigorously shake my hand. "Fine," she nodded curtly, then turned to look at my brother with an immense scowl, "So, what'm I here for, then, zookeeper?"
"That's why I needed Eddie here." He threw a glance at me, and I scowled back at him, thoroughly used to his idiotic reasoning and, hm, wonderful ideas. "Basically," He looked between us and gestured that we should both take a seat on the couch. Immediately, Bella sat down, staring at me until I felt forced to sit anywhere but next to her. "Okay, EdJizz. Be like that." I growled and sat down in the armchair in the corner of the room, "Anyway. Bella here was coming past the zoo just as I was locking up," He grinned, "I tend to give the animals a small, ha, release before I go home,"
"Cut to the chase, moron," I cut in, not in the mood for this kind of shit.
"Okay, okay..." Em held up his hands and sighed, glancing at Bella and rolling his eyes, "This jerkoff doesn't do anything but jerkit." There was a short pause where my brother laughed at his own joke and I did nothing but hide my face in shame, and then he carried on, and, as I had feared, the night was only about to get worse. "Anyway, I was locking up, and Bella was walking past and just as she did, this guy comes running up behind her, you know, just planning on robbing her."
"I'm pretty sure he had a knife, you know," The tiny brunette spoke for the first time in a good five minutes, and I nearly jackknifed out of my seat, staring at her as though she had just appeared from nowhere.
"I wouldn't have been surprised." Emmett grinned at her, and Bella smirked back. "Anyway, I went all common-man-turned-superhero, and just ran at him, grabbed him off her, and let him do his nasty in his pants, right, and then... well, I just didn't think, grabbed Bella's hand, helped her up off the floor and ohmygod, it didn't happen."
"Okay, this is the part where you lose me," Bella chimed in again, and I couldn't help but nod along with her, "What didn't happen?"
"You didn't come." I muttered, my voice as flat as my stomach – which, if you didn't know, translates to very. I may not have a girlfriend, or, yaknow, an anything, but hell, I'm trying my damn best, here.
"I didn't what?" And now her voice is high and she genuinely sounds quite sick, "I didn't... come?"
"As in you didn't cream your pants as soon as my brother touched you."
"But... why would I do that?"
"Because... we're special." It took me a while to get the words out, entirely unsure as to whether I really wanted to expose us for what we were. "Usually, and I use that term extremely loosely, because there is no normal or usual for us, if we touch anyone – and I mean, literally anyone on their bare skin, boom, instant sexual gratification."
"What?" Bella looked as though she was about to burst out laughing, "You could make a guy jizz his pants, just by poking his forearm?"
"Pretty much, yeah." Emmett and I nodded in unison, and I half expected Bella's melodious laughter – at least, I was under the assumption that her giggles would be beautiful and somewhat bell-like, as her name would suggest – to ring out through our apartment, as she collapsed on the floor in hysterics.
"Well, shit." She sighed, ducking her head and staring at her hands as though she was made of some kind of abnormal substance. "I guess I'm some kind of freak, then?"
Pretty girl say what?
"Sorry?" I actually leant forward in the hopes that she would make more sense if I got closer to her, "You're the freak? I just told you that I can make any woman in the world orgasm by brushing my fingers against hers. I think you'll find that I am the freak."
"Dude, you're some kind of superhero." She cut in, "You could run around town, fighting crime by poking the bad guys and incapacitating them as they jizz all over themselves! It would be perfect!" She grinned for a second, clearly excited by her idea, then her face dropped as she realised where she was, "Or, um, you know, you could just..." She shrugged, "Go about your business."
"What do you mean... fighting the bad guys?
"I mean... that right there... that poking thing, the jizzmeister thing..." Bella smirked again, glad, it seemed, that she had gotten one up on me. "That's a superpower, Jizzward."
"Very funny."
"No, seriously! It's pretty much guaranteed to get you into marvel comics, or something!" The girl was hung up on her idea now, "We could even make the three of you costumes!"
Hmm, how to put this politely. No.
Although I couldn't deny that this was promising. I definitely could see the positives in becoming a superhero – even if my power was spunk-related. To be honest, I didn't know how long I was sat there, clad in boxers and almost sticking to the sofa in the mid-July heat, but it was definitely long enough to formulate a plan.
Though I wouldn't be wearing any kind of ridiculous costume, or using large, energy wasting lights to shine a giant penis into the sky, in some kind of BatSignal... I had found my calling. I may have been a virginal freak with no ability to control his spunk-function...
But a meeting with a young woman with long brown hair, big brown eyes and a kick-ass attitude had changed everything, for all of us. We would use our powers for good, we would fight petty crime, solve murders, and maybe I'd get to see Bella again...
Today was the day that JizzWard, Superhero Extraordinaire, was born.