The Last Temptation of Kylo Ren By Kondoru
Standard Disclaimers
Thanks to JP for Betaing
Today I am a psychopath...Be Warned.
Part One. The First Spirit.
Kylo Ren was in deep poodoo.
He had made it off the disintegrating Starkiller base, back to the lair of Snoke himself.
Supreme Leader had praised him for his fortitude in killing his father. True, he had Force lightning-ed him up a bit first, but Snoke was like that. Though he was proud of his protégés achievements, which did not mean he went easy on the chastisements when things went wrong.
Such was the way of the Dark side. There was no place for namby pambys here.
He had made an eternal enemy of his mother, the dreaded Huttslayer. Not one to cross but Kylo Ren was fey. Who cared what Leia Organa-Solo thought? Her acclaimed political career had ended when it had been made public all that scandal about Grandfather.
(What scandal? Kylo Ren was delighted to discover that his grandfather was not Anakin Skywalker, the stick-up-the-arse Jedi, but Darth Vader himself, the brave and notorious Sith Lord).
So Mummy had had to retire from conventional politics and now was off somewhere remote with her own private paramilitary group. Daddy was busy smuggling.
Kylo Ren was sad that his parents had just reverted to type.
There had been that unseemly incident in Uncles Jedi School (really just a dump for unwanted Force Sensitive brats…Brats like him). Hadn't he proved his detachment?
Luke Skywalker was now in hiding. (From what? Why?)
So Kylo Ren was smug.
Even his Knights looked proud. (Or was it fear?)
He had killed Han Solo, who he now realised was behind the plot to destroy Starkiller Base. (And they had used it to shoot up Leia's political enemies…give Hux credit for that, guys!) The Galaxy was now a little bit more crime-free. He had also managed to gather vital intel on the Resistances new allies. These were some pathetic scavenger and a runaway Stormtrooper. Two nonentities.
Kylo Ren rubbed the taped microburn on his face. The bitch had nearly blinded him with a lightsabre.
Not any old lightsabre.
The last lightsabre of Anakin Skywalker. This, as Snoke had explained, had been the one he fought with in his infamous duel with Obi-Wan Kenobi on the volcanic planet of Mustapha, when he had been soundly trounced, decapitated, burnt and left to die horribly. (Kenobi had taken the lightsabre from him to prevent him committing suicide; he wanted his enemy to die slowly and painfully).
It contained all the passions of Darth Vader, and so would be a great aid in Kylo Ren's ascent to the dark side. Never mind the dorky colour, this blade was worthy of a true Sith Lord.
Somehow Scavenger girl and her cowardly friend had got hold of this vital artefact, for they themselves had the Force. (Not that they knew how to use it, any more than his mother could. Kylo Ren could never understand her disdain for the Jedi; surely she as a politician craved power? The Force was power embodied). They had the Force but who would teach them about it? Kylo Ren smiled grimly.
Not Luke Skywalker, the pathetic Last Jedi, for he was lost, no one had heard from him in many years.
Only he, Kylo Ren, Master of the Dark side could teach them how to use it, -and he had made that very honourable offer to Rey, as she was called.
But she had refused and they ended up hacking at each other in the snow outside the base.
The deadbeat Stormtrooper had the lightsabre (where had he found it?) but Kylo Ren had triumphantly cut him down, -the blade fell from his hand.
So, he had tried to pull the lightsabre to him by his telekinesis. This was easy, he was a third generation Force user, and had been using telekinesis since he was big enough to hold his toys by himself.
And it had flown right into little rat's hand.
Kylo Ren lay on his cot, staring thoughtfully at the ceiling. He had not told Supreme Leader about this inconsequential detail of the fight; did lightsabres have minds of their own?
He doubted it.
Something more for him to think on.
And now some spirit had gotten into his cell.
A Female spirit.
She wore brown Jedi robes, she was an alien, one he had never seen before. This strange creature had orange skin and blue and white striped Lekkus, a Twi'lek.
Our Hero knew all about Twi'leks. They were notorious sex maniacs, being bred for such high minded purposes by the Infinite Empire, a really cool bunch of Dark Siders Snoke had told Kylo about. As it was, whenever something immoral happened in the galaxy; chance was it was a Twi'lek at the bottom (hem hem) of it.
"You're up to no good!" he accused.
She gave him a salacious grin, "-Immaterial I may be, I still have the Force."
Kylo Ren was still a virgin. He intended staying that way. In his limited experience girls were after too many things. (Mostly his wallet, a container which since he left his parents; was often empty.) Kylo Ren's overactive imagination worked overtime.
The stranger gave a Lothcat like stretch. "I've been alone so long now. It would be nice to have company."
And to his uttermost horror, she began stripping off her robe.
Our wimpy Antihero bugged his eyes out in horror. "Get away from me you perverted alien!" he shouted.
Underneath she wore Jedi armour. "Skyguy was telling me about you...I had to come look for myself."
"Who is this Skyguy?"
She rolled her blue eyes, "He's, let's say, an interested party." She had been specifically warned not to talk too much about her Ex master with Kylo Ren.
Kylo Ren grimaced, "another voyeuristic pervert!"
"He would be very pleased to hear you say that." The Jedi said to him. "He takes a keen interest in you and your deeds, my boy." She said in a manner that suggested all sorts of naughty things.
Kylo Ren looked about him as if he expected that `Skyguy` was going to manifest.
Nothing.
"Anyhow, what is with this about you and the Dark side? I thought you were training with Luke Skywalker." She asked.
Kylo Ren sniffed disdainfully "Luke Skywalker knows nothing." He asserted. "And he is a coward. He lectures about humility and restraint, but I can see he is afraid of the true nature of the Force."
His new rival had doubt all over her white birth marked mug. "You know full what happened to your Grandfather." The Twi'lek said warningly.
"What is it with you and my illustrious Grandsire?" He spat.
"He killed me." She said simply.
"Yes, probably because you wretched worm head was busy trying to seduce him," muttered Kylo Ren darkly.
Her face fell, "what did you say?"
"My Grandfather never killed anyone who did not need it."
The girl was very angry. "He killed younglings."
"Yes, who had lightsabres in their hands!" Kylo Ren retorted. "One of the most dangerous weapons in the galaxy!"
The apparition gave this a moment's thought. She decided to ignore it. "You are making some offensive assumptions about me."
"I know full well what your Twi'lek are like." Growled our Antihero, "Whores from the cradle, all of you."
She disappeared. Kylo Ren gave a big sigh of satisfaction.
But somehow he knew the pest would return.
It had come as no surprise to many when Ashoka Tano moved in with her killer.
But then, the Netherworld of the Force was a strange place...Though not as strange as those who inhabited it.
The Togruta Enlightened had lived on her own many years, but that all changed when Anakin Skywalker arrived. She was deeply curious about the new arrival.
"Anakin needs a bit of company." Obi-wan advised. (And was Ashoka happy to see a familiar face in the Netherworld of the Force.)
So she now lived in the Chosen ones hut.
Anakin Skywalker, Jedi Master and Dark Lord of the Sith lived well away from other Enlightened. In fact he had spoken to no others since he had achieved transcendence.
This was normal with the newly immortalised. It took a while for them to adjust.
But Anakin had very good reasons of their own.
Obi-wan has tried to get his old friend to come out. "You are not the only Sith here," he had tried to reason.
(It had bothered her a little that many Enlightened were her class enemy.)
But Anakin refused to budge. His hut had now no windows or doors.
So Ashoka made her hut next to the reclusive Anakins. She sat down to meditate...and wait.
One day (if there were such things in the afterlife) Anakins hut gained a door.
Ashoka waited, lekkus quivering in anticipation.
It was a few days more, and suspicious blue eyes peeked out.
"Ashoka, oh Ashoka." he cried.
"Anakin." Whimpered his pupil.
"You wanted to see me in Chaos, didn't you?" He said miserably.
She shook her head. "I got a glimpse in your mind once, all negativity, I didn't recognise you."
"No." He groused.
"But you have evidently been in Chaos."
"Don't remind me!" Anakin snapped.
"You are not in Chaos now." Ashoka soothed.
Anakin cried a bit, "yes, I did not realise there are places far worse than Chaos..."
"You have a chance to heal up."
"You forgave me." He whined.
"Yes. Forever's too long to hold grudges. Death gives you a whole new outlook on life." Ashoka paused. "Do you forgive me?"
"For what?"
"Being a headstrong obnoxious brat that no other Master would have accepted."
Anakin hung his head, and merely said "Yes, my stump still aches after all the spankings I had to deal you with my metal hand." He snuffed.
Ashoka took him by his new flesh one. "Even now?" She asked.
"Yes, even now." He paused. The old Skywalker wickedness came back, "do you want me to lay you over my knee again, for old time's sake?"
Ashoka took a step backwards, "Master, I haven't disobeyed orders in years!"
They sat and remembered the good times.
"What made you like that?" She asked with her usual curiosity "I mean in the black armour and all."
"It's a long story."
But they had all the time in the Galaxy...
During this time, on the Material plane, a certain Ben Organa-Solo went on a killing rampage in Luke Skywalkers Jedi Academy and proclaimed himself Kylo Ren, Sith Aspirant and Darth Vader fanboy extraordinary.
"I'm meant to be the Hero here," moaned that individual.
He went back into seclusion. This was worse than Darth Tater and the Star Wars version of pop up pirates all in one.
Ashoka hung around outside her master's hut, to see if he would come out. She did not give up but she decided to go find Obi-wan.
Obi wan was sat drinking tea with Revan.
Revan was a Sith but petty things like that didn't matter much here. And it was a Sith Ashoka wanted.
"Anakins shut himself away again. And we all know why."
Obi-wan and Revan gave the sad looks of the powerless. Ben Solos activities had been a major topic of conversation recently.
Ashoka did not believe she was powerless. "What do we do about this Vader wannabee?" she asked.
Revan shook his head. "He's going through a phase. In my experience all good Force users dabble a bit in the Dark side. He will grow out of it when he realises he looks like a Goth teen."
Obi-wan shook his head. "Ben is thirty three and still a teen. (Anyhow you never caught me mucking round in the dark side)" He was now friends with Revan...But that did not mean he agreed with him.
Ashoka scowled at them both.
"Why don't you go speak to him?" Revan suggested.
"Do you think he would want to speak to me?" Ashoka said with doubt. She knew that some people had foolish prejudices against those unfortunately dead.
"You could try." Obi wan smiled. "You can only get lightsabred up."
Ashoka winced. Like many here, she had met her end on the blade of a laser sword.
A RED laser sword.
"Very well...Seeing as Anakin isn't interested in defending his good name to his grandson."
So, Ashoka Tano, with great reluctance went to pay this black dyed upstart a visit. (Really she had no intention of leaving her backwater).
This went as badly as you might have expected.
Good news.
Anakin was again out of seclusion. He was now wearing black robes...to Ashoka this was a bad sign.
"I went to see the Pretender to the Sithi Empire throne." Ashoka told him grimly.
"And?"
"I don't think he likes me." She said.
Anakin gave a grimly Darth Vader smile. "You are a bit of an acquired taste."
Ashoka had to laugh. "He thought I was seducing him."
He ex master came to a conclusion. "He thinks you are a Twi'lek you know." Anakin said sadly.
Ashoka went pale. She then went red. "Why the Akul arsed Sithspawn kriffing Hutt slimed little..." and it kind of went downhill from there. She wandered off, slashing at random greenery.
Anakin shook his head sadly. It had been a familiar problem in their Temple days; Togruta were not a common race, nor one to travel much. When people saw his lekkued Padawan, many of them thought she was a Twi'lek, a kind they were familiar with.
Ashoka had had to learn many mellowed responses.
But she wasn't being mellow now, and he could not blame her