Zootopia's Mane-ison Square Garden was jumping, animals were cheering and going nuts. It was almost game time. The stands were packed. A squad of players stood court side, the word 'Predators' adorned their yellow jerseys, they mingled with fans; none of them were larger than a wolf, none smaller than an otter. The lights were overly bright, shimmering off the waxy basketball court.
"Well Todd," said one television host, a lion. "It looks like it's gonna be a good game tonight between the Wolfhampton Predators and the Zootopia Predators. Todd, lemme ask you something. Do you ever get confused by the way every team in this league calls themselves the Predators?"
"Not at all, Tom," responded the co-host, another lion. "Because, these teams are really explosive on offense, that's what they're known for. Defense comes secondary in these matchups, these are always high scoring games. Leave the D to the Prey leagues." He laughed heartily at his own joke, just like every fucking sports commentator ever. "And no player is more aggressive on the field than Nick Wilde of the Zootopia Preds, Welterweight division. It's only his second year with the team, but got-damn is he quick, good with the ladies too, Tom."
"Right you are, Todd," said Tom. "Wolfhampton always allows a ton of points, but, hey, so does Zootopia. They all suck at defense, though it keeps the fans interested, there's never a dull moment. I want to go back to Wilde just for a second, because I don't know if you knew this, but he became a cop last year. I mean, what can't this fox do?"
"Apparently put on a condom," Todd laughed, fucking again. "Because his girlfriend just recently found out she was pregnant for the fourth time THIS YEAR."
"Yeah, you know something, Todd?" Tom laughed with him. "I did NOT think a fox could get a rabbit pregnant, or a wolf for that matter, or a leopard, or even a deer. But I was wrong, totally wrong, Wilde continues to impress on and off the field. Just, wow, what a guy. He scores at least 200 points a game, every game, and just never runs out of sweet furry ass off court."
"Can you say that on TV?" asked Todd.
"It's not a matter of can I, but will I, Todd. And I just did." Tom responded. "And something else, Todd, lemme break the fourth wall for just a sec, do you think the writer of this story gets some sick pleasure out of writing this dialogue? Or writing about Nick Wilde copulating with a ton of females who aren't foxes?"
"Yeah, talk about breaking fourth wall gender norms here," said Todd. "I'm pretty sure you just held the fourth wall at gunpoint and made it do unspeakable things to you in a dark alley, Tom, though I could be wrong about that. Anyway, to answer your question, the author of this story should probably be medicated, or thrown in the psych ward, seriously, or at the very least a state penitentiary. I mean, this is one sick fuck we're talking about." He cleared his throat, lowering his voice. "But, I think Wilde's got a strong chance at winning tonight, and getting away with not paying any child support this month. I wholeheartedly believe the Zootopia Preds will walk away dominant at the end of this game."
"Just like your wife."
"What was that?" asked Todd.
"Losersayswhat."
"What?" Todd repeated.
Tom chuckled to himself. "Joining us these evening is our sponsor, Meyers Meats. Remember, if it's not Meyers, your meat will always get beat."
"Classy," said Todd, shaking his head. "The author really wrote a dick joke into a Zootopia fanfic. I hope he's proud of himself."
"Look who's in a dark alley now," Tom accused.
Just then, the stadium became instantly dark. Two spotlights started circling the court. The chorus of 'Litty' by Meek Mill came over the speakers, totally uncensored, and everyone in the audience felt the beat thumping in their chests. Out of the locker rooms came a herd of green jerseys led by none other than the OG himself, fucking Nick Wilde. The color of his jersey perfectly matched his eyes, because why not.
One spotlight followed Nick as a teammate tossed him a ball—
"HOPPED IN THE WRAITH AND I BOUGHT IT, IT'S LITTY AGAIN!"
He jumped straight up, and slammed the ball through the net.
The speakers boomed over the sound of the crowd, shaking their very souls.
The crowd fucking lost it.
The place was rocking. All the lights instantly came on.
Nick made it look easy, because it was. The hoop was regulation height for their division, only six and a half feet above the ground, still impressive for a fox. Nick knew he was getting laid that night, probably by a familiar bunny you may have heard of, named Judy, Hopps, Judy Hopps, one of his many girlfriends, because he's Nick, just look at him, look. Nick somehow became a millionaire after the end of the movie, and got laid, many times, so many times. You would think it would be Judy, because she's a rabbit and all that, but it was really Nick.
"Just look at him," said Todd, breathing like a sex-starved hobo. "I'm pretty sure some of the women in the audience got pregnant just by looking at him, that's all it took. I know I did, Tom."
"Stay away from me, weirdo," said Tom.