The Diary of Lord Voldienuts: Henry Hotpot's Sixth Year
I enjoy a good laugh as much as the next guy. If you do too, you're likely to be disappointed. Because this one ain't funny, it's just daft.
Dear diary,
Have decided to squash that infernal Henry Hotpot once and for all this year. Am still reeling from that day sixteen years ago when he cursed my dinkle so it turned black and dropped off. He will pay. Went to the shops with Wormtail. Decided to eat only brown bread from now on. Them adverts with Ian Botham say that wholegrain is good. Oh yes. Will keep you posted.
Dear diary,
Have made Luscious Malephwoar force his son into offing Dumbleydingle. If it weren't for him I could have sneaked into Hotpot's dormitory months ago and rubbed chilli powder into the crotch of his pants. Ooh, I'll never forget the burning. Spent the morning watching Trisha. Man that woman has bad hair. Not sure what to do yet in my evil plan, Wormtail reckons that this book's a bit boring and I don't actually do much. Better liven things up. Am considering going shoplifting – this cloak's dead good for hiding stuff. Wormtail thinks I might look a bit conspicuous, but if anyone asks I'll tell them I'm Duncan Goodhew.
Dear diary,
Mini Malephwoar doesn't seem to be getting very far - that miserable old duffer is still in charge of the school. I went up to the gates and pressed the buzzer, and he goes "You shall not pass." Thinks he's bloody Gandalf. Have been plotting new ways to get back at Hotpot. Wormtail suggested prawns sewn into the curtains. I thought that was a stupid idea so I sent him into the garden to dig a tunnel with a spoon. He is still out there.
Dear diary,
wanted to use the computer to Google what happens in the seventh book, but can't find any spoilers. Refuse to abandon plan! Have decided there must be a better way to get to Hotpotty, but haven't figured it out yet. Am starting to come round to the idea of prawns in the curtains. Watched Bambi this afternoon. Forgot how sad it is. Then mum sent me to bed early. Am writing this under the covers. Better go!
Dear diary,
After months of eating only brown bread I am crapping like a champ. Might get some of them probiotic yoghurts or something. Gillian McKeith reckons the ideal poo is a type three or four. This morning's was definitely a seven. Wormtail had to go out and get some more bleach. Sat on the sofa under a blanket, and Mum gave me dry biscuits, but I only really like Party Rings, so I stuffed them down the back of the couch when she wasn't looking. Rest of day went quick. Still no word on the death of Dumbleydingle. Am assuming they haven't done it yet.
Dear diary,
Rang Snipe to try and find out what the deal is. He reckons Malephwoar won't let him help. Am a bit pissed off tbh. Told Snipe I'm getting really bored and there are only so many times in one day a person can watch series three of Friends on DVD. He promised to buy me the other series to tide me over. Am not convinced. Told him I'd rather have ER or something, but he said that the Friends ones were on offer in Woolies, and that on his piddly little salary he couldn't afford fifty quid for an ER box set. There you go, I said, yet another reason to kill the headmaster.
Dear diary,
Spent an hour this morning contemplating giving up this whole Dark Lord business. Wormtail made salad for dinner but he put paprika in it and my digestion's already shot to shit. Spent the next hour in the toilet. Wormtail had to put the bog roll in the fridge. Not pleasant, not pleasant at all. May not be able to sit down for the next week.
Dear diary,
Christmas is coming, and they tell me that Mini Malephwoar has been hanging out in the old Evil bric-a-brac shop I used to work in. Little scrote. Hotpot is visiting Ferret family, but I can't be arsed going all the way down to Devon to piss on their turkey. Anyway, it'll be far more dramatic if I save my attack until the very end of the third term like I usually do. Phil and Fern made a nutroast on This Morning, it looked alright. Maybe there's something in vegetarianism after all. Said that to Wormtail and he looked at me like I was mental. Think I will stick to meat.
Dear diary,
Have given some more thought to this giving up Evil business. Tried it for half an hour after lunch, but then the cravings got too much and I had to go and kick a puppy and steal a lollipop from a small crying child. Felt much better after that. Wormtail bought me a dart board as an early Christmas present. Have put a picture of Philip Schofield on it. I don't like the way he looks at Fern. Not one bit.
Dear diary,
Sorry it's been a while. Went out on Christmas Eve with Wormtail and had a bit too much gin. Ended up breaking into the park, then the police came and chased us. Si got arrested and Kev fell in the river. It was hardcore. Slept most of Christmas day then ate the roast mum made and went back to bed. In fact, could do with some sleep now. Or some water - have a mouth like Gandhi's flip-flop.
PS – will redouble efforts to get revenge on Hotpot in the New Year. Hell, that can be my resolution.
Dear diary,
Have made several resolutions, as well as the one about Hotpot. Wormtail is a bit narked at me coz I nicked his copy of Spider-Man 2. It's not my fault I spilled cornflakes on the box, Nagini was trying to throttle me. I don't think she liked Doctor Octopus. Poor cow. Er, snake.
Dear diary,
Suspect that Dumbleydingle is after my Pog collection. I put my heart and soul into those Pogs. I know they went out ages ago when Tamagotchis came in, and Wormtail reckons I should get them on e-bay but I couldn't bear to give them away.
PS – am back on the white bread. Screw you, McKeith.
Dear diary,
Have discovered this amazing show on Sky. It is about a bunch of ugly women with faces like slapped arses competing to see who's the biggest bitch. America's Next Top Model, that's it. It's quite compelling. Wormtail told me this afternoon that Dumbleydingle's hurt his hand. Am not sorry. Ha! Dumbley, ha to you! Serves you right. Gandalf, my arse.
Dear diary,
Got lots of Easter eggs. Wormtail got me this massive one from Thornton's with a picture of Henry Hotpot being strangled to death iced onto the front. It is the shizzle. Snipe came round and we played Cranium with Mum. Wormtail sculpted a penis out of plasticine then Mum said she wasn't playing anymore and went to bed, so we sat up watching Channel 5 instead.
Dear diary,
Went up town today. Kev was there with Si and some bird called Leanne. Couldn't be bothered to stay so me and Wormtail went to Wetherspoon's and got the pint and a curry for a fiver deal. It was actually quite nice.
Dear diary,
It's been raining. Was inspired to watch Bambi again and now have that April Showers song in my head. Cried again at the bit with his mum, but Wormtail cheered me up a bit. Am tired. Have been staying up late playing Pokemon on my GameBoy. Must. Catch. 'Em all….
Dear diary,
It is nearly the end of the school year now and nothing's happened yet. Have been sitting outside a lot as the weather is much better. Wormtail made some lemonade. It's a bit sugary. Am not sure what's going on at the school, am contemplating going up there. Will ring Snipe tomorrow.
Dear diary,
Did the shopping this morning. Saw Dolohov in Tesco's. He said nothing was happening per se, but that Dumbleydingle had told Hotpot about my Pogs. Am not happy. Told him that we needed to do something. Paid for stuff then stood talking at the car for so long that the Haagen-Dazs melted. Gutted. On the plus side, came up with the idea of staging some kind of attack on the school. Nice one. Will ring round tonight and see what everyone's doing.
Dear diary,
Rang all my mates yesterday. Some of them were out but I left a message on the answerphone. Snipe thinks it's a wicked idea. He says that Mini Malephwoar's come up with a way to get in to the castle. Am still waiting to hear back from people, but reckon we could be good for next week some time.
Dear diary,
Greyballs came round today and said that Am and Al Carrot texted him to tell him about the plan. Think he was a bit pissed off that I didn't tell him, so I lied and said I ran out of credit. Haven't got anything against the guy, he just smells a bit. Someone told me once that it's coz he has an ear infection. Am not convinced.
Snipe called to confirm – apparently we can get into the castle through a cupboard. I thought it sounded a bit unlikely, but whatever.
Dear diary,
Felt really excited today. Went and bought a whole bunch of prawns from Sainsbury's. Wormtail said he had a needle and thread, so I said he could do the sewing. Can't wait. Two days to go!
Dear diary,
So pissed off! Was really antsy waiting for tomorrow so went for a kick about with Wormtail, Si and Kev in the park. Tripped over and twisted my ankle in a rabbit hole – am now stuck at home with a bloody cast on my foot! Wormtail got me some grapes and I was like Yeah, coz that's gonna help. Feel a bit guilty now. Dammit. Everyone said they'd still go ahead with the attack for me. They know how much those Pogs are worth.
Dear diary,
Got a phonecall from Snipe about half an hour ago. Apparently Dumbley got bumped off and he fell off the tower, but then he flew up in the air, his dress changed colour and he landed back in front of the entrance shouting Screw you Voldienuts, I'm Gandalf the White! On the plus side, Wormtail got the prawns in the curtains, AND he put chilli in Hotpot's pants. Am pleased. Has been a most successful year. Snipe says he had to run away, but Mum said he could come round here.
Dear diary,
Summer holidays! Yes! Am well chuffed. They're showing ER on Channel 4. Snipe turned up this morning. The Pogs are fine, and Wormtail promised not to put them on ebay. Will probably be too busy having fun to write much now. OK I love you bubye!