"I hate you. Do you know how worried I was about you. You don't deserve to be loved dan. You were my best friend but all you did was ruin my life. You're just a disgusting freak that shouldn't exist" the words stuck to Dan's mind. Not a second passed that he wouldn't think about it. Each and every word that left Phil's mouth leaving marks on his skin, incomparable to the pain he felt when his father would hit him. But those were just words. Words that happened 5 years ago. Yet they were still fresh in his mind.

"Daddy"

Words that left him crying for reasons that wouldn't appear.

"Daddy"

Or did they but he chose to ignore them.

"Papa"

3 year old Ashton leaped onto their father, now 25 who still laid in his bed.

"Oh, morning sweetie. What are you doing up so early"

"Happy birthday daddy" Ashton said moving to their fathers side as the child lay a paper on her father's chest.

Dan lifted the light paper of his chest, sitting up. He held it between his hand, running his thumb against the felt stickers on the card and his child's messy but adorable hand writing. Another thing she received from him. But they were no comparison to the eyes she's received from Phil. Dan opened the card reading the small words written in the card. 'Daddy I may find my Prince, but you will always be my king. I love you-Ashton.'

"Grandma helped me me make it"

"Aww sweetie. I love it" Dan wrapped his arms around his baby,tears leaving his eyes as he held onto her. "Don't cry daddy"Ashton said retracting her arms from her father's neck. "I'm sorry sweetie. Get dressed so we can have breakfast and go to grandma's."

"Yay" Ashton squeled excitedly running to her room. "Be careful"

Dan smiled as he fully sat up resting his back against the head stand of the bed.'wow. I'm 25 now. It's been 5 years since its happened. Five years since Phil kicked me out of the flat. How wierd it feels not to be spending my birthday with him. I wander how he's doing without me. Better I guess. Anyone could be better without me.

So what you're saying is you're going to be gone for an entire month of summer"

Chris tried to keep in step with Phil's pace as he moved around the house. "Yeah we had so many plans. and you can't leave me with him"

"Yeah-wait excuse me"

Phil smiled as he listened to his two friends pj and Chris bicker. He was packing to go to manchester for the summer to see his family. He invited Chris and pj over to his house one last time before he had to leave. It was fun to have them around once in a while. After kicking Dan out it got quiter in the house. Something Phil wasn't used to. Never really thought of it before. He's been with Dan for as long as he could remember. This house being a place of sanctuary for them. Where they wouldn't be judged by others but bask in each other's wiredness. I guess it was taken for granted. He missed the way they joked with each other.

I miss the way his socks were spread all over the house

I miss the way his dimples showed when he smiled

I miss the way his tongue stuck out when he laughed

I miss finding him eating my cereal

I miss the way his eyes sparkled

I miss him

It would be bad if the start of it all wasn't explained. Well it went like this.

( 5 years before)

Angels weren't that hard to find. Phil could see one right next to him. His eyelashes plump and thick just like his pink lips that were left slightly open. His brown hair that held coils of curls that strung perfectly around his face. His dimples that gave him his baby face. Phil always wandered how Dan couldn't see his own beauty. How much of a wonderful person he is. But all that matters now is that I love him. Phil lifts himself lightly, trying not to disrupt his sleeping boyfriend as he crept to their gaming room. Lifting the sofa cushion he pulls out the anniversary gift he got for Dan. Next to it he saw the second gift he would give to Dan on his birthday. He wearily pulled the small box out, putting the anniversary gift on the floor. Phil opened the box, slowly standing as if holding a baby. He looked over to lion smiling "just two more weeks lion." Phil tucked the small box back under the cushion of the couch before taking the anniversary gift and leaving back to his room. Hiding the gift behind his back he fully entered the room, the once sleeping body now fully awake. "Morning bear" Phil sat next to his boyfriend staring into his beautiful eyes as Dan's cheeks turned red a feeling of bliss as he saw the breathtaking view before him. "Morning philly" Dan replied as he was met with a kiss. While Dan's eyes where still closed Phil slipped a diamond encrusted locket onto Dan's chest. Dan jumped as the cold silver hit his bare skin breaking the kiss he looked at his chest. "Happy anniversary"

"Wait that was today...kidding,kidding."

"Go on open it"

He opened the smooth silver as he was greeted with a picture. It held 4 quadrents, each showing pictures from an aniversary ever since they started dating. Dan's eyes brightened the feeling of bliss hitting every inch of him. A smile crept onto his lips. "Dan"

"I love it. Thank you Phil." Dan threw his arms around Phil, knocking them both down as he laid on his boyfriend. "Phil... please never leave me"

"I won't ever. But if I do. I'll be back. I promise"

"Phil... please never eat my cereal"

"Dan... I will never stop eating your playfully hit Phil as they laughed.

"Happy anniversary my love"

The sheets became nothing but moving silhouettes, as the couple enjoyed their love for each other.

#########10 days later ########

Dan twisted and turned, the sheets on his body being hastily thrown of as he dashed to the bathroom as an urgency to throw up overcame him. Finally reaching the toilet Dan fell to his knees as it finally reached its peak, his dinner leaving his stomach. 'What is happening to me' Dan thought. He could feel the burning bile in his throat. The feeling of not being able to breathe while your almost digested food rises from your stomach and shoves itself through your small throat is something that is obviously unpleasant. Breathing heavily Dan sat on the floor holding his stomach as beads of sweat fell down his brow. He shivered in fear of throwing up again as he craddled himself. He stood up wincing as cramps set in his lower abdomen, Taking small steps on the cold tile floor. As he neared the stairs he lurched in pain. Tears left his eyes, mixing with sweat and cascading down his dimple, Which normally only showed in cases of happiness. "Dan" Phil appeared at the top of the stair case stood in shock, before his footsteps became rapid. "What's wrong"

"It hurts Phil. It hurts" the sight in front of Phil's eyes was what scared him most. The one he loved was lying on the ground arms wrapped around his knees, shaking with tears cascading down his face. Eyes that were once happy were now filled with fear. And that was what scared Phil most. as another yelp escaped Dan's mouth Phil grabbed the boy lifting him into his arms. His grey jumper now wet with his own tears. "Everything's gonna be ok bear. Everything's gonna be ok" Phil's words were the last thing Dan heard before everything and anything went black

Opening his eyes Dan saw a white machine, the smell of bleach,lemon and death filling his nose as a beeping noise cascaded his ears. He closed his eyes as the bright light filled them. Once his eyes adjusted he saw that he was on a hospital bed. But why was he here? It didn't take long before the memory hit him. Last night. Pain. Phil.

"Oh you're awake. I'm nurse Andy"

A lady with blond hair tied messily into a bun, a white uniform as plain and white as the room and a simple name tag. A smile was plastered on her face but it wasn't real. It never was. In her eyes you could read pain, stress, broken. But who wasn't... Who wasn't.

"So you are Daniel James Howell, am I right" she said unsurely the same plaster smile that never seemed to leave. "Yes"

"Well I guess you would like to know what's happening Daniel" the name left her mouth smoothly but attacked him with a familiar sense of hate. The memories connected to that name being something he hated.

"Well your boyfriend took you here after you blacked out due to pain and stress. This machine here just says your heart rate and blood pressure while the iv in your arm is to keep you blood pressure normally and replenish what you lost from vomitting. Other than that there is nothing wrong with you that you should be too worried about. But there is something that you can find as either good or bad news. Daniel James Howell you're pregnant."

Dan sat on the uncomfortable bed as he stared at the plain, blank wall that infuriated him. It was so empty. So devoid of any sign to show happiness. But maybe he hated it because it reminded him of himself. Plain and empty. This room had a history. A history of death and miracles. Dan didn't understand why he was put in such a place. Nurse Andy told him the ratio of finding a carrier to a million people. And he was one of them. This was something he couldn't understand. He wasn't unique, he wasn't special. So why him. Why me. There are many other people that deserve this chance. Many people that are trying to get their own child and I'm just here with no effort at all. They must hate me. It's my fault for getting pregnant. How dare I compare myself to others. To have the odasity to be sad and selfish when many would find this a blessing. I'm a terrible person. I don't deserve to be alive. Dan could feel his eyes burn as tears threatened to fall. One escaping, sliding gracefully down his cheek. I'm a fucking crybaby. That's why Phil hates me. Because I'm a selfish crybaby. Dan's thoughts began to crowd with memories. The beeping in his ear taken over by the taunting of 'crybaby' . Oh how well he could remember it. All the words everyone's ever said to him. Each bitter and uncaring. 'Kill yourself daniel.'

'Daniel you are a disappointment to this family's

'No son of mine is going to be a fag'

'What a freak. Glad he's not my friend's

Millions of thoughts. And they did not want to go away. It wasn't long before the tears were no longer barricaded but now flowing freely as they glided along the hills of his cheeks. Not one stopping as they jumped of the cliff of his jaw line, falling onto the same plain hospital gown he wore. He didn't matter. He never mattered.

"It's as if I can't read my emotions but there crashing into me all at once" sobs escaped his mouth. His voice high and wheening."but how am I supposed to react. I'M BLOODY PREGNANT" he was talking out loud again.

"I've been told my whole life that it...it was impossible for a male to be pregnant. But I'm my own living proof." I want to tell Phil. Of course I do. But would he accept me? Phil was known for be caring and sweet but if too much stress overcame him he would change. I've seen it before. One of the pits of our relationship. When we were more broken than ever before. How swiftly our tears mixed and made a pool around us. But this pool is what glued us together. Not letting anyone in on our secrets. I want to tell Phil I'm pregnant, but my fears always overcome my hopes. But this was our baby. Phil deserved to know. Sitting up as much as he could as the wires and tubes restrained him he held his belly. Whispering sweet words to his growing baby.'hang in there baby. I won't ever hurt you.

A knock on the door drew his attention. Nurse Andy pocked her head through the door.

"Two people are here to see you." Exiting the room two figures entered.

"Hey bear" Phil appeared in my vision, my mom not far behind him. I smiled at them quickly trying to disguise my tears. These were my favourite people in the world I can't let them see me cry.

"Hi mommy, Philly. When can I leave" Phil sat in the chair on my right side as I took his hand in mine, his warmth wiping away the thoughts from before. Phil used his other hand to play with my curls as I played with his hand.

"Well the nurse said nothing was wrong with you and that you'll be able to leave early tomorrow morning. But she wants you to come for a checkup 3 months later? What is that about." I looked towards mum in fear. Should I tell her I'm pregnant. Maybe when Phil's not here. "she just wanted to confirm that I was fine so 3 months time will show if there is anything wrong. But don't worry I'm sure everything will be ok." I lied through my teeth. I never like lying to my mother. But it's for the best. I knew the 3 month checkup was actually a sonogram to check on the baby.

"So nothings changed" Phil looked at me with hope in his eyes.

"Nothings changed"

I stared at Dan, his soft snores bringing me comfort knowing he was breathing. The knight before had left me scarred and worried. But even with this hard plastic chair, in a cold smelly room I felt happy as I twirled his hair between my fingers. My sleeping beauty

"Phil" I turned to Dan's mother almost forgetting she was there.

"You love him don't you"

"I do. With all my heart."

She smiled

"Just know I'm expecting grandkids someday"

Blood rushed to my cheeks as my attention focused on my feet. She laughed at me as I joined along the sentence still stuck in my mind. The door to the room opened the nurse stepping in. "I'm sorry but visiting hours are over"

She went back out the door leaving us to say goodbye. I stood from my seat before planting a kiss on Dan's forehead. "Bye love" I said leaving Dan's side. Hugging his mom I left the room staring down the long hallway that led me outside.

Once Phil exited the room I went over to Dan his eyes opening slightly.

"Mommy"

"Yes darling."

"Mom... I'm pregnant"

I stared at him in confusion, unsure of what to think as his eyes began to close again as he fell back into a deep sleep. suddenly my questions were answered as I remembered the day Dan was born. I remembered the doctors telling me about Dan's condition and how he was born with a uterus as they explained a carrier to us. We chose to keep it a secret from Dan, but...but now I think he may have found out himself.

Phil arrived home finally being able to rest in the comfort of his own home. he made his way into their apartment, a wierd feeling of loneliness overcoming him as he didn't hear Dan's voice as he filmed a video or watch Tv. It was kinda odd for him to he to be the only one in the house. Walking to the kitchen Phil stopped as he felt pain in his forehead. Stopping as he rolled his eyes he pulled open the glass door that seperated him from the kitchen. He stood in front of the fridge as their Japanese toy welcomed him. He went for the bottle of water stopping as he caught sight of the alcohol . One drink wouldn't be bad right? Ignoring the water Phil took the alcohol closing the fridge door behind him as the toy wished him goodbye. Taking the whole bottle Phil left to the couch taking no time to start drinking.

**********************5:00am the next morning*****************

Dan stepped out of the oober hurrying to his apartment as he tried to ignore the cat calls his driver gave him. Taking his key he unlocked the door entering the apartment. Putting his things on the ground he turned around locking the door behind him. Dan felt arms wrap around his waist making him jump. "Hey baby"

Dan knew it was Phil. He knew. But something about Phil's voice didn't seem right. Twisting Dan around Phil shoved him a against the door latching his lips onto Dan's mouth as his hands traveled around his body. "Phil" Dan moaned, pleasure and uncertainty in his voice. He could taste the alcohol in Phil's mouth. Had he been drinking? Phil lifted Dan of his feet bringing him to the same couch he began his drinking on. Roughly latching onto Dan's pants he began to pull them down.

"Phil stop" Dan tried to push Phil off of him but to no avail. Phil was intoxicated and he could tell. "Babe what's wrong" Phil said his words slurring. "Phil please get off of me"

"Why Dan I thought you liked this" Phil tightened his grip on Dan's underwear slowly pulling it down.

"Phil please stop"

Phil made no sign as to stop and as he prepared to enter Dan, Dan gave a final attempt.

"Phil I'm pregnant"

*silence* Phil stopped as he stared blankly. Then suddenly he moved hastily, jumping of the couch and grabbing his clothes. "You disgusting, freak" Phil shouted as Dan cowered on the couch in fear , shaking in terror. "I hate you. Do you know how worried I was about you. You don't deserve to be loved dan. You were my best friend but all you did was ruin my life. You're just a disgusting freak that shouldn't exist". "How could you not have told me You were a carrier, you worthless shit. You were supposed to be my best friend. Get out of my house. I never want to see your disgusting face anywhere near me."

Dan sat there still in shock. He wanted to fight back. But he couldn't.

"I said GET OUT" Dan saw as Phil picked up the closest thing to him, a glass bottle. Knowing what was coming next Dan hurried of the couch protecting his belly. Dan grabbed a long sweatshirt from the ground throwing it on leaving the apartment. The only things he held where his phone, wallet and a silver diamond encrusted locket around his neck.

Picking up his phone Dan dialed his mom as he walked.

"Mom help me".

To be continued...

I still feel as if there isn't alot of detaills.