When my world is falling apart…
What do people say when someone you loved dies? They say they are in a better place, where there is no pain or fear…
It is true… probably. But why should that make us feel better? They might be there but we're not. We had to stay behind where there IS pain and fear… and sadness.
I heard someone say:
"You cry at a funeral, because you missed something, or didn't say something you should have."
I lost a lot of people dear to me. I failed to tell them I loved them. I failed to tell them how much they mean to me. I cried at their funeral. I don't think there is a person who loved everyone or anyone the way they should have.
But we have to move on, even if that seems unforgivable. I moved on when my father died. Still, sometimes I feel like it's a bad thing to do. It feels like I forgot him and didn't care enough to remember him.
I just watched the movie called Last Song. I cried and remembered again.
My father died because of cancer. He didn't tell us anything. He suffered alone. We tried to convince him to go to a doctor but he said no. We didn't know that he's already did that and know what we don't. That he will die. The last year we spent together was the worst year of my life. We argued a lot and didn't even talk for days. I hated him sometimes…
And one day he said something. It was late at night and I was about to go to sleep. He said: "Good night, honey. I love you." Those were his last words to me. He knew it was time…
Next morning my mom woke me up saying that dad was rushed to a hospital. He was in a coma for two weeks. On the third day the doctor said that he has 10% chance to ever wake up. I cried for hours. I didn't know what to do. I could think of only one thing: 'This can't be happening.'
On the day he died the doctor called us to get into the hospital at once if we want to say goodbye. I said my goodbyes and left. I couldn't watch him die. Mom stayed there. She came home late at night telling me that he was gone. I just nodded and went to bed. I thought this was just a bad dream… and I will soon wake up.
When the funeral came mom told me not to cry. I just watched the casket and the name written on it. I couldn't think of anything. Just stood there and stared.
A friend of mine told me that someday I will remember the good things. Not the last year and the last two weeks and how he lay emotionless in the casket. I still can't remember anything just the casket. The last time I saw him. He was not my father anymore. Just a shell.
I can only remember one thing. The way he watched me play the piano. He was proud of me being able to play it. He sat next to me and just watched. He didn't say a word, just watched. Ever since then each time I play the piano, I play his favorite song. I can still imagine him sitting next to me. And I feel like dying when I look at the empty chair.
The next year seemed to be the happiest year ever. I laughed more than ever before. And each time I realized this I spent hours crying. I felt guilty for living and forgetting.
Do you think people know when their time came? When they are about to die? I'm starting to believe this. Other people said their farewell to me before they died.
I remember their last words. And I remember what I felt when I heard the news of their death. I was angry. At them and at the world. Why did they have to die? Why? Why? Why…?
There is no answer. And it makes things worse. Should we really move on? Should we forget them and live like we don't feel anything about them? Someone tell me the answer… Please…