A/N: A bit of a departure from my normal plotlines and my first Death Note fic. Hope you like. Read and Review.
Pairings: None
Warnings: Anorexia and a bit of OOCness
Disclaimer: Not mine
"This has got to stop Light," he says forcefully, as if he hasn't said it before. As if he hasn't pleaded with you a thousand times. You've said it so many times before that the reply is automatic, emotionless even as it slips from your mouth.
"I'm just not hungry." It's a lie of course. How could you not be hungry? You haven't eaten for days and your stomach feels like rats are gnawing at it relentlessly. It's worth it though, every moment of pain all leads up to the loss of one more pound – one step closer to perfection. He shakes his head and walks over, hands cupping your face gently as if scared you might break.
"Don't lie to me." You roll your eyes at him and push him away. It doesn't matter if you tell the truth or not the result will be the same. He's going to tell your Dad because he hasn't noticed and they'll take you to the hospital and make you fat again. Not that you're skinny right now either – far from it. You can see the flab on your stomach even wearing your baggy green shirt. It's your favourite because it's the one that makes you look least like a blob.
"I'm not lying," you insist coolly but it's practically hopeless to even dream he'll buy it. He can see through it by now, ever since he first realised he's been able to. He lets out a frustrated sigh and sits down on his usual chair where three plates of cake are on the desk.
"I'm almost 96% percent certain Light-kun is lying," he tells you, perhaps hoping his own honesty will persuaded you to do the same. You want to laugh at the familiar statement. L always fell back on his percentages whether it was the Kira case or your supposed 'eating disorder' but it's one of the few things about him that hasn't changed. You find it almost poetic how different L has become around you since the day he found out you weren't eating. He seems more human to you now and sometimes, just every now and then, you wonder if you really need to kill him to put in place the new order of justice.
"Your percentages mean nothing to me," you reply. Your voice is harsh and from the corner of your eye you see him flinch slightly. The action is almost enough to make you smile. Who would have thought that Kira could hurt the great L with just a few words? He moves his chair a bit closer to your own purposefully.
"Why are you doing this?" he asks softly. You can tell there's real emotion in his words but can't tell him it without admitting you're Kira. Kira who is justice. Kira who is righteous. Kira who is a God. But Gods have to be perfect – you have to be perfect. Perfection is not fat and you can clearly see that you are. Therefore you must in turn become flawless and lose the disgusting weight on your body. Biting your lip you water down the reason so he cannot suspect you more than he already does.
"I just want to be perfect," you confess quietly. L blinks, his dark orbs wide in realisation and for a moment you think that your Kira percentage has just gone up. That perhaps somehow he has read it from your mind and your expression. You stare at him challengingly and he lets out another sigh.
"You have been perfect before Light-kun," he states, glancing at the computer screen in front of him before looking back at you "And now you are not." A lump forms in your throat and you want to retch. You were perfect once? Then when and why did that perfection leave you? How can you get it back?
"How?" you rasp out, voice thick with emotion. He watches you sadly and shakes his head.
"You became obsessed with making yourself better; found fault when there was none, You ruined yourself," L says and you feel sick. Wordlessly you stare in front of you trying to sort out your mind until you finally come to a decision and take one of the plates of cake from in front of him. He smiles at you as you do so and with trembling fingers you pick up the sugary concoction and take a bite. You shiver as it goes down your throat and repeat the action after you have chewed and swallowed. It's the hardest thing you have ever done but soon the cake is gone and everything physically feels that much better although mentally you're screaming at yourself. You want to cry but refuse to show that weakness. All you want to be is perfect and this is the way you must get it back.
"Thank you L" you murmur shakily and he nods to you in acknowledgement.
"You're welcome Light-kun."
It takes many weeks for you to get into a routine with eating once more and months to fight the fear of food that still lingers in your mind but L helps you. And you do get better. Slowly but at the same time effectively. You never mention it to anyone and neither does L. Sometimes you still wonder if you should kill him even as you plan his death but he decides it for you when he withdraws back into his old self as you get better and are no longer ill. He continues accusing you even more fiercely and you fight each other recklessly at every turn, both in the investigation and as Kira and L. Yet even when you kill him and take satisfaction from his death as it is your victory you will never forget that L, as distant and aloof as he is, does have a compassionate side.
And that side will always be your friend.