Sometimes, unexpectedly, Alphys didn't get out of bed. Whenever this happened, she didn't know what to do with herself - except hate herself. She tried to get up, to get out of bed, to greet the day, but that unprovoked self-hate stopped her every time, and she curled up into a smaller ball, hating herself even more for her weakness. An endless cycle.
At first, Undyne didn't know what to do about it. She'd never seen anything like it, nor could she really understand it. She knew what it was like to be depressed, and to be bedridden from that (the day she lost her left eye came to mind), but Alphys's depression seemed without a source, almost without reason.
She would wake to find Alphys buried under her blankets, weeping silently. Undyne tried to curl up beside her and comfort her, ask her what was wrong, but Alphys either stayed quiet or lied, saying "Nothing," or "I'll be fine."
When Undyne tried to be more forward - flinging the blinds open, tearing the blankets off, or trying to pull Alphys to her feet - Alphys curled up into a smaller ball and hid her face, her claws digging into the mattress, refusing to move, her tears shaking her whole body.
This didn't happen often, maybe a few times a year, but when it did, at first, Undyne had no idea how to deal with it. Once, when all of her methods failed, she knelt to Alphys's side of the bed, took her hand, and pleaded, unable to choke off her own tears. "Alphy, sweetie, please? Tell me what I can do, love. Please."
Alphys grabbed her hand tight and sobbed, pulling it to her chest and placing it between her breasts and above her heart - a heart that was racing. Undyne bit her lip, gently rubbing her chest slowly, and Alphys actually seemed to find that comforting, her eyes closing.
"I-I... I'm s-sorry," she whispered, her eyes closed tight, now. "I-I don't know what's wrong with m-me..."
Undyne reached forward with her other hand and gently brushed the tears away, her own falling free. "Are you sick?" she wondered. She knew that when she got sick, she turned into a puddle of tears and whining, demanding to be petted and coddled.
Alphys nodded, then shook her head, before turning her face away and hiding it into her pillow, her claws loosening around Undyne's hand. That was when it suddenly fell into place, something that solidified when Alphys whispered, "I n-need you... I-I need your... your h-help..."
"What do you need, Alphy?" Undyne asked, sitting down cross-legged and stroking Alphys's forehead gently.
"I-I don't know," she admitted, her voice thick and muffled by her pillow. Her grip on Undyne's hand tightened, pulling it closer her to her chest, and Undyne kept it there.
"Okay," Undyne said slowly. "Do you need me to go away?"
Alphys's hands shot out and grabbed her forearms, her face coming out from behind the pillow and looking panicked. "N-no!" she cried - pleaded, really. "D-don't!"
Undyne nodded, gently prising Alphys's hands from her and holding them in hers. "I won't go," she promised. "Do you...?" She smiled crookedly. "Do you want a cuddle?"
Alphys's eyes filled, and she was nodding without realising it, her grip on Undyne's hands tightening - and tugging, now. Undyne stood up, crawled over her, and lay down behind her, pulling her close to her chest, her arms around Alphys's waist tight. Almost immediately, Alphys relaxed, but began to sob, her hands covering her face, Undyne pulled her closer, resting her cheek on Alphys's shaking head, staying quiet and trying not to cry, herself.
Soon, Alphys calmed, her sobs replaced by coughs, then sniffles, then finally deep breaths, before soon being replaced by light snoring. Undyne stayed where she was, until she was sure she was asleep, then she slid from the bed and covered her wife in all of the blankets again, before leaving her alone to sleep.
Later, when Alphys woke, she was quiet and usually stayed in bed, her eyes open and staring at the wall. Undyne came in with lunch once she knew Alphys was awake, but Alphys wouldn't even focus on her, even when Undyne met her gaze right on. When that happened, Undyne pressed her hand over Alphys's heart again, and that blank stare would close, the empty face crumpling into one of sorrow. Undyne would put lunch aside and crawl back into bed, holding her as she cried again.
When she calmed, Undyne would offer her lunch. At first, she'd refuse, but then Undyne would threaten to force her to eat it, which always worked - even if Undyne wasn't serious. Alphys would then sit up and eat, but slowly, and sometimes between fresh tears and apologies. Once done, she'd curl up in a ball and close her eyes, and Undyne, depending on how she felt, would either stay with her for a while, or leave her alone.
Later, Undyne would come in and check on her. If she was awake, she'd sit down on the bed behind her and asked, "Wanna talk about it?"
Alphys kept her eyes closed and her back to her, but nodded. "I... I hate myself, Undyne," she said softly, ashamed to admit it but unwilling to be dishonest to her. "I just... really hate myself. I-I'm sorry..."
Undyne hugged her close, now. "But you shouldn't," she insisted.
"Yes, I should," Alphys answered softly. "I'm a l-loser. I'm ch-childish, paranoid, a l-liar, obsessed with st-stupid things-,"
"Alphys," Undyne said sharply. "You're more than that."
"N-no I'm not!" Alphys snapped, curling up more and hiding her face from Undyne. "I'm j-just stupid, useless t-trash."
Undyne held her closer. "Don't hide from me," she pleaded. "Please? Look at me?"
"Don't deserve to," Alphys sniffled, her voice muffled.
"Alphy," Undyne said, "You're not any of those things. You're smart and funny, you're passionate and clever-,"
"No," Alphys sobbed, shaking, now, her anger at herself replaced by sadness. "No, I-I'm not."
"Yes, you are," Undyne replied easily. To her, it was a no-brainer.
"Why are y-you so nice to me?! Knowing what I've done?!"
Undyne closed her eyes. "Because I love you."
"You deserve better," Alphys answered tearfully.
"Look at me, love."
"No. I'm too ugly."
Undyne pulled her face gently away from the pillow and looked at her. Alphys's face was tear-stained and crumpled, a complete mess, but Undyne leaned over and kissed her lips gently. Alphys shut her eyes and pulled away, sobbing, and Undyne crawled closer and held her as tight as she could.
No matter how many times she tried, no matter how hard she tried to keep Undyne's words attached to her heart, something would deflect it away, leaving her heart feeling twice as empty. When she looked at Undyne though her tears, all she could see was someone too good to her, too good for her, and always - always - she said this:
"I-I know when you m-married me, you didn't marry this, so if you n-need to to leave me, I u-understand..."
She meant it every time she said it, but because every time she said it, she felt like nothing would be better than for Undyne to leave, not because Alphys wanted her to, but because Undyne didn't deserve to be trapped by her.
But always, every time, Undyne would stay, "Stop, Alphy. I'm not going anywhere, not unless you want me to, because I don't want to go anywhere." Alphys would protest, admitting finally that she always wanted Undyne there. Always.
And Undyne never left her, even when she could. There were so many times that she could have, that Alphys would always expect - and understand - if she did, but that never happened.
Even when Alphys got mean. It did happen sometimes, that same kind of mood would fall over her, but instead of sorrow, it was anger and hatred that she felt. She was never this way about anyone but herself, but sometimes she would end up taking it out on Undyne.
Once, Undyne came into their bedroom, very carefully crawling into the bed to gently cuddle Alphys. The moment Undyne was holding onto her, Alphys, in tears but so full of self-hate, wound up snarling, "Why are you doing that?!"
Undyne paused for a moment. "Because I know you don't feel good, and I want you to feel better."
Alphys tried to pull away. "Why? What does it m-matter? I'm just a l-loser. Don't bother."
"It matters to me," Undyne answered, holding her closer. Alphys tried to squirm away, but by now, Undyne knew that if she let go, Alphys would run and hide somewhere out of her reach.
"It shouldn't!" Alphys snarled, shutting her eyes and trying to get free. She didn't deserve her kindness, her affection... all she deserved was loneliness.
"Well, it does," Undyne answered sharply. "Stop trying to run away!"
Alphys did, but she hid her face into her pillow. "You d-deserve better... You..."
Undyne curled closer to Alphys, burying her face into her shaking shoulder. "My love, I deserve you."
"No! No, no, no! You deserve better!"
"Alphy," Undyne said softly, carefully running the tips of her fingers over Alphys's arm, up and down in a soft caress. "You're the best for me."
"No! No, I'm not, Undyne!" Alphys again tried to break free, but Undyne pulled her back, holding her as close as possible. Alphys gave up, then, her eyes squeezed shut, her sobs breaking free. "Undyne... you-you're..."
"Exactly where I want to be, Alphy," Undyne replied honestly.
Alphys turned to her, then, and buried her face into her shoulder. Undyne pulled her hands from her chest, wrapped their fingers together, and held her tight, whispering to her that it was okay and that she wasn't alone.
Alphys, at these times, would beg Undyne to stop lying, to stop saying all of those good things about her that Undyne said she was, and to stop lying to herself the most - that she indeed was settling for a project and challenge like Alphys, far less than she deserved.
Undyne would listen to these words and take them as they were: deflection, not truth, though she did wonder whether Alphys truly believed what she was saying, or maybe thought secretly that Undyne did, and all Alphys wanted was for her to be honest with both of them.
"Alphy," Undyne said once, a trace sharp. "Give me some credit. I've been married to you for years!"
"So what?" Alphys answered, her eyes full. "Just took you too long to understand! Do you understand now?!"
"Yes!" Undyne answered, pulling Alphys as close as possible. "I see the woman I love in so much pain, and there's nothing I can do about it!" Her voice broke.
"No!" Alphys protested suddenly. "No, Undyne..." She turned to face her again, and Undyne stared at her, refusing to look away. "You can! You do! I-I'm just..." Her face fell. "I'm just... b-broken..."
Undyne pulled her close again. "I know. It's alright. I'll hold you together."
Finally, in that moment, Undyne clicked through that haze, and Alphys finally believed her, her tears ones of regret and sorrow, of love and fear - and of healing, the ones she needed the most. When she finally had those tears, she began to actually feel better - feel like herself - again. She'd look through swollen eyelids at her wife and see the one person she knew she'd never give up - or give up on - until she was dust. She saw the woman she married, the warrior she admired, the best friend she never knew she'd always had. And she'd finally be able to accept that, indeed, Undyne wasn't going anywhere. Not unless Alphys wanted her to.
And Undyne would finally smile and see her Alphy again, and be able to finally give her love - and have it accepted as well as returned.
It would come back, that treacherous mood. But dark days do blow over, and remind us how precious the sunny ones are.
The End