I need my girl.
There are a lot of thing Janet King understands.
She understands the law and how to almost guarantee a conviction.
She understands her children and the difference between when they are hungry and tired.
She understands politics and royal commissions and how that kind of world is run.
What she doesn't understand is the why her stomach drops when Bianca shows up sporting a black eye.
It shouldn't.
Well, she's not heartless so it should concern her to a degree but it shouldn't stop her in her tracks and make her stomach turn and it definitely should not make her want to run whoever was responsible for that down in her car.
Because she's still kind of married.
The ring is still on her finger and no woman so far has made her heart flutter or feel as full as how Ash did. Every look, every flirt, every close call has felt like cheating. So why suddenly, does she want to push Bianca onto the bed and have her way with her.
In an animalistic forbidden sort of way.
She's not meant to be ready; she's never meant to be ready. She's meant to spend the rest of her life missing her wife and life they had planned on sharing.
Which she will.
But what she's starting to realise is that just because she misses Ash, because she'll always miss her it doesn't mean that she can't love another.
That he can't love Bianca.
And her curves.
Those delicious, thin but womanly curves that her hands would fit perfectly. The ones that make her hands want to wander and her lips want to touch.
But she can't love Bianca; she just can't because she feels like it cheapens everything that she has stood for, for so long.
She was meant to avenge her wife and then pledge her life to mourning her and raising their kids.
Her mind keeps getting back to this.
Round and round and round again.
Ash. Ash. The kids. Missing her. Bianca. Bianca. Bianca.
Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.
Rinse. Wash. Repeat.
She wants Bianca - no needs Bianca but this all seems too much, too soon. Like she's replacing her wife with a 10-cent replacement multi years too early.
Except Ash was someone who silently cheered for her on the sidelines. A girl who was quiet and loving and healed her everyday after she sent people to be locked up.
She was her calm in a storm.
Bianca is something else entirely.
She's fiery and fierce and protective in a stand-in-front-of-danger-for-you type of way. She pushes Janet just enough to want more and to be better yet never to point of making the blonde uncomfortable.
She's her warrior. Her team-mate. Her most beautiful alley.
That's when it hits Janet.
She'll never just feel ready. She'll never get over the death of her wife and Bianca has never expected her too.
She just always wanted to be let in.
In the way that you can love more than one child and not have a favourite, Janet is starting to realise that she can love more than one woman. It's not replacing and it doesn't cheapen her life with her wife and children.
It's simply a woman who just wants to love again. Who misses having someone to care for, someone to come home to.
She misses making dinner for someone other than herself.
She misses rolling over in her sleep and pulling a warm body towards her chest.
She misses Bianca.
Which is ridiculous because she sees her everyday but ever since their argument it's been strained. It's been awkward and strained and Janet is fully aware that it's almost completely her fault.
But it's been days now since the shooting and all she can think about is that she misses her friend.
Misses her in the way that a diabetic misses chocolate. She doesn't need her to survive, doesn't need her to keep living. But God, she wants her. Wants her in her arms every night. Want's to watch old timey movies and rub her feet. Wants to elicit that small, shy smile that Bianca has.
She wants the life where she comes home to Bianca Grieves more than he wants to be in full time mourning for her wife.
Because honestly, that's not what Ash would want.
If the situation were reversed then she wouldn't want Ash to spend the rest of her life crying over her. She'd want her to pick up, move on and finally be happy. Be happy with someone that would understand her in the way that Janet knows Bianca understands her.
She knows it's now or never. If he doesn't tell Bianca how she feels now then she never will. Without this realisation behind her she'll always chicken out. Will always be scared that she's not enough for her.
She barrels out of her motel door as quickly as she can and finds herself standing directly in front of Bianca's.
Without any of her previously held hesitation, she knocks.
When Bianca answers the door she's half on the phone and laughing.
In fact she so happy that for a second Janet reconsiders if this is at all a good idea.
But then she thinks of her hair.
Of those dark brunette locks that Janet wants to run her finger through. Of those cherry coloured lips that she wants to press hers against. Of that husky voice that she needs to hear her moan with. Janet sees and thinks it all and there's no stopping her.
She reaches out and grabs Bianca's free hand and plays with it in her own, begging the brunette with her eyes to hang up the phone.
-
"Clare, I'm going to have to call you back," Bianca says, swiftly hanging up the phone completely confused and baffled by the blonde enigma standing in front of her.
They haven't really spoken in days.
Words have been spent and polite nods in each others direction given but it was all business like and stiff and nothing that they been like before the shooting.
Which is what makes this all so much more difficult.
Because it's not like Bianca has any choice in the event of that day. It was either to shoot the man who had killed multiple people or have Andy be shot right in front of her.
Those were her two options and she had hoped, had expected that Bianca would understand.
Of course, all Janet saw was the life drain out of her one chance for answers and for closure and for that Bianca is truly sorry.
She doesn't regret shooting him, knows that she would currently be dead otherwise but she does wish that there had been some magical third option.
One that let her stay alive and keep the girl.
If Janet is at all one that she can have.
Which, is why she had called her sister, her best friend Clare. Because she has still blonde bombshell take over her mind, body and soul and surely her sister will get it because Bianca sure as hell doesn't.
"Clare?" Janet asks, bring Bianca back to reality. "Should I be jealous?"
"Not unless you think I'm shagging my sister."
Janet gives her a smile and finally enters the motel room and there is so much electricity in the air that Bianca's hair are standing up like they would from static energy.
Before Bianca can ask Janet what is she doing here the blonde has her against the wall and is kissing her.
It's all tongue and fire and Bianca can feel it in every part of her body. Her toes are tingling and her heart is beating out of her chest and she feels so alive. She feels a kind of alive that she's been missing all her life and maybe Janet is the answer to every prayer she's ever had because this kissing is godly. She never wants it to end and yet it has to because she can't breathe.
She eventually breaks away not because she wants to but because she human and the need for oxygen meaning that she have no choice. She doesn't let Janet go far though, keeps the blonde pulled close to her and starts to kiss her on the neck.
"Bianca," Janet began to say. She suddenly moans and it does things to Bianca that she hasn't experienced for so long; a type of want that she never seems to get with other women. Through the way that the blonde is trying to compose herself to speak, Bianca can tell that Janet feels the same. "Bianca, I came here to talk to you but I would really prefer to talk later."
Janet doesn't get the chance to say anymore before Bianca is pulling her towards the bed and away from any conversation.
Bianca proceeds to kiss the blonde once, and then twice and by the third time she can't pull away. They are soon entwined with each other, only pulling away to relieve each other of each individual item of clothing.
They soon find themselves spent and exhausted and naked in bed. They have spent the evening thoroughly exploring each other and it fills Bianca with a sense of peace that she has never known before. Don't be mistaken she's slept with many, many woman but as Bianca has learnt; there is only one Janet King. There is only one beautiful blond that could be the cause of this much torment and love and goodness all at once.
She pulled out of her thoughts by Janet herself who cocoons the brunette cop in her arms kissing her quickly and tiredly on her neck. "I'm glad that I came to your room tonight."
"I'm really glad that you did too, Janet," Bianca assures the blonde before the combination of warmth and comfort takes over and she falls asleep.
-
When Janet wakes up she sincerely can't tell where she ends and where Bianca begins. It's all entwined limbs and comfort and love and she feels better now than she has in a long time.
Her heart is full and her mind is at peace and she feels like this is where she is meant to be. She was in so much pain for so long as now she this, this feeling that she can't yet explain. It's so foreign and new yet comforting. Like coming home to a place that she never knew existed.
She can feel Bianca wake up beside and she knows that they need to talk. She put it off last night in lieu of feeling and although that was okay then they really need to have the conversation. The one where she apologises and explains and if need be promises to kiss her until their okay again.
Because she doesn't care what it takes or what it costs, she won't let Bianca walk away from this.
Not from a love like theirs.