Title: Dark Avenger - English Version
Synopsis: Spike has had too much free time and nothing to do, so he's plunged into the world of superhero comics. And now, it's poor and unfortunate Angel who will pay the "terrible" consequences.
Genres: Comedy; Crossover; Superheroes.
Crossover: Angel & Buffy, The Vampire Slayer.
Warnings:
This story may contain references to other sagas. It is not a crossover, however.
Not recommended for staunch fans of tough and cool Angel.
Characters from the original series, Buffy, will be mentioned later, but will not appear and / or actively participate in the One-Shot.
This story is not set at any specific point in the timeline, so you can imagine the circumstances you prefer.
Disclaimer:
All Buffyverse characters are property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy Productions; the characters of Angel are property of The WB and its creators, Joss Whedon and David Greenwalt.
Beta-Read:
Queen of Doom (Original Version)
Whotellsyourstory (English Version)
Does Google Translate count? It was a great help when it came to words and expressions that I didn't know :)
Dark Avenger
Spike did not feel capable of withstanding another miserable second inside that decrepit and dirty crypt.
The outside world seemed to have forgotten his very existence. No one visited him, not even to threaten him, as Buffy had done so many times before, or the little witch, Willow, or even the nuisance that was Xander. Finally, the Slayer was no longer invading his lair all the time, dishing out vague threats to get him to cooperate with her ideals and unite in her fight against evil. Not that he wanted to participate, but at least it was something to do and help pass the time.
Even the bookies he owed money to ignored him, convinced that it was not worth the effort, because not even in five hundred years would they be able to collect the amount owed. There were probably not enough kittens with blue eyes, white fur and a dark yellow spot on their left ear in the world, as required by the devil who had beat him repeatedly in consecutive poker games. But who was he to criticize the gastronomic menu of others!?
"Ah! The world is so boring… Should I go out and buy the new Batman number? At least I'll have something to do... I've read all the Superman and Spiderman editions! Passions starts in three hours... Until then I'm sure to perish of boredom!"
oOo
Several months later...
The bleached-hair vampire inhaled deeply, taking in the scent of good old LA.
"It seems like it was only yesterday that I captured Angel and paid that traitor to torture him... Oh! Good old days!" thought Spike, delighted. "Should I visit the grumpy guy? Maybe... Spice it up a little bit? I heard the little witch mention that they had moved the Angel Investigations headquarters... Hmm... A short visit... Just to bless the new office with my wonderful presence and criticize Peaches' peachy and outdated decor. Yep! Fantastic idea!"
oOo
Spike entered the Hyperion Hotel, being received by a welcoming crossbow, loaded with a sharp wooden stake, wich was pointed directly at his still heart.
— Cordelia, my dear, I didn't know that I got you so excited! Do you want a piece of me so badly? — The seer lowered her weapon with a suspicious expression. — It was just asking, baby! — He made an obscene gesture, putting his arms behind his back and swinging his hips back and forward to simulate a copulation act.
— Spike — she muttered, annoyed —, to what do I owe the displeasure of seeing you here?
— Now Queen C, can a poor reformed vampire no longer come to visit the enemy without arousing suspicion? — He raised a hand to his chest mock-hurtfully, making an offended expression.
— Cordelia has every reason to distrust you, Spike. — Angel came down the stairs slowly and came to stand in front of the younger vampire.
— Hello, Poof! How is it going? Did you kill a lot of evil demons? Did you save enough damsels in distress? Have you turned evil a few times? If Angelus feels like making a visit, let me know... Ok!?
— So that you can unite and terrorize the city? — interrupted the aspiring actress.
— Bloody hell! Nah! — He waved his hand, dismissing the matter. — I'm good now... Remember!? Haven't heard the news? I'm completely reformed... I am completely reformed... No attacking unsuspecting women, killing defenseless people and blah blah blah. You know, I've changed... Come on! I turned into a more stylish version of Poof! — he exclaimed in amusement — But without the pig's blood. I tried it... It's awful! No offense, honey!
— So you're still evil — Cordelia concluded without even thinking twice about it.
— I drink human blood if that's what you're talking about, but I no longer drink directly from the vein. I am now a model citizen, who resorts to the use of blood banks. A good A Positive donated of their own free will does wonders for your mood. That was for you, Peaches, if you have not caught the hint ...
— Tell me at once what you came here for.
— Angel, do you doubt my word?
— Completely!
— I just came to wander, see the landscape, visit old acquaintances... Things like that, nothing much.
oOo
The weeks went by and Team Angel could not wait to be rid of the blond once for all. He was constantly intruding on their cases, almost ruining them on several occasions.
― But what were you thinking?
― Mostly? That she looked like a good woman and that I might as well join her and dominate the world ― Spike said, with the greatest poker face, ignoring Wesley's indignant expression.
― Angel, do something, he's your GrandChilde. Punish him or something...
― Oh! Bloody hell! I will be without dessert and television? ― joked the vampire, with a roguish smile ― Poor me!
― Enough, William! ― roared the vampire who had already fulfilled his bicentennial.
― Ouch! So scary! Looks like I'm in trouble… ― said the blond, pretending to be scared.
― From this precise moment, you have two options: the first is to follow my rules. No insulting my subordinates or allying yourself to the enemy... Ah! And you will stop drinking human blood. You'll follow a strict diet of pig's blood ― Spike grimaced in disgust, remembering the bland taste of the vital liquid of animal origin ―; the second is you go back to Sunnydale right now. Don't let the door hit you on your way out! ― He pointed to the exit. ― What will it be?
― OK! OK! I get it. No fun... I have to be as boring as you, Captain Forehead! I can do that to... I can be tedious if I decide to really try!
oOo
Two weeks later...
Spike helped Cordelia in manufacturing wooden stakes.
― Still not enough? ― asked the vampire, throwing a new stake on top of the pile, which was easily over twenty stakes high ― Seriously, how many stakes are needed to kill a skinny, helpless vampiress!?
― Helpless!? ― exclaimed the brunette, indignantly ― This helpless vampire almost killed me! If Gunn hadn't shown up, I would have been history... All because His Highness ― spat the seer in contempt, piercing the man with oxygenated hair with her gaze ―, thought the girl was a damsel in distress and offered the services of Angel Investigations. Well, congratulations, Spike, you brought a bloodthirsty vampiress who wants to kill us all straight to us. Even better... You have escorted her here, as the good english gentleman you pretend be!
― In my humble defense, she looked a little lost and hungry. I didn't think she could pose that much of a threat in that condition. I remember perfectly what it's like... It seems like only yesterday that that damned chip ruined me...
― Well, you thought wrong ― Cordelia interrupted, bringing the discussion to a close.
― Look who decided to show up... Poof, where have you been? It's too late for a nice boy like you to walk alone in the dark and dangerous streets of the city. Some monster could attack you! ― Spike exclaimed, false concern seizing his voice.
― I just found your "little friend". She will not cause trouble again.
― Did you kill her? ― asked the human with enthusiasm, having obtained revenge for her near-death experience ― Good work, Angel! And the Dark Avenger comes back to save the day...
― Dark Avenger? ― The blond stared at the older man and looked back at the seer. ― I didn't know you'd gotten a superhero name for Peaches. What is yours? ― he asked the girl ― Where is the outfit? ― he questioned the other vampire.
― Outfit? ― Angel asked suspiciously.
―Yes, the superhero costume!? All the big ones have one... Look... ― He turned back, picking up his backpack, the only possession he had brought with him to Los Angeles, and opened the lock, pulling out a stack of bookss. ― Superman! ― He threw a comic on the table, where they could see the uniform in all its splendor, then put another on top. ― Spiderman! ― And another. ― Green Arrow! ― And one more... ― Batman! ― He dropped a agglomerate of comics on his desk.
Angel grabbed one...
― Green Lantern? Why a lantern? Does the guy shine in the dark? Since when are lanterns superheroes? ― he asked, confused ― Doesn't that make it easy to catch him? How does it go unnoticed by the enemy?
― Wow! ― Gunn exclaimed, grabbing a limited edition ― Where did you get this? Flash was my favorite as a child. Wow! You even have the special edition! Can I...? ― He swallowed dry at the sight of the Chief's glare.
Winifred, attracted by the commotion, came downstairs and sat down next to Spike, who moved aside to give her room, sharing the seat in the chair.
― Deadpool... ― Fred picked up a comic, excited. ― He's so fun... ― She stopped as she felt an evil aura in the air, belonging to an annoyed Angel. ― Not funny! Boring! Very annoying! Not interesting! Already went! ― She rose abruptly, running upstairs to take refuge in the comfort of her room, and find consolation in her mathematical equations.
oOo
Four days later...
Angel called a last- minute meeting to address a new case. Cordelia had had a vision where a man was devoured by a demon. The moon would reach its peak in a few hours, at which point the victim would meet his unfortunate end.
― Where's Spike? ― Angel said after the meeting.
― He left yesterday and has not yet returned ― Wesley said. ― He said something about needing to do some shopping and pick up an order. Understandable, since he brought almost nothing with him.
Team Angel took up weapons and went to the rescue of the poor man.
Next morning...
It was nearly dawn, when the doors of Hotel Hyperion flew open.
― Bloody hell! Was the bloodbath in the spa on sale? ― Spike asked, taking in the bloodied figures of the team ― You could have invited me... But, on second thought... ― He reached out, touching the yellow substance trickling down Angel's neck with his fingertips. ― I prefer the version with quality blood and not the stuff on the discount aisle. You should all take a shower... Now! ― demanded the blond, at the nauseating odor they emitted.
oOo
Angel opened the shower door, releasing a dense cloud of steam. The vampire with a soul stepped out, picking up a fluffy white towel and drying the water droplets that were playing, tracing the curves of the muscles in his labored abdomen, skipping across the dark-haired man's six-pack bumps.
He wrapped the towel around his waist, while drying his hair with a face towel, setting it down afterwards. He opened the door, headed into the room and stood in front of the wardrobe.
He opened the closet door, revealing an absolute void. All his clothes were gone, not a single shirt remained to "tell" the story. He pulled the underwear drawers, noticing that they were untouched... Everything was just like he had left it, except his signature black clothes.
He backed away, sitting on the edge of the bed. He fell backwards, feeling something peculiar – something that did not belong in his sheets – touch him. He got up and looked over the bed, spotting a superhero costume, obviously handcrafted out of pieces of various Halloween costumes, Angel supposed.
― Spike! ― he muttered angrily, concluding that this was the explanation for the blond's disappearance the day before, and the strange tranquility of the previous days.
oOo
The members of Angel Investigations were resting, thrown every which way on the couches, after an exhausting mission.
What? A demon!? One demon, their ass! What the hell!?
It was the damn annual meeting of a dangerous Demon Clan, that's what!
The vision had only shown the victim being attacked by a demon ... Apparently, The Powers That Be had "conveniently" forgotten to send a warning that, inside the abandoned factory, was another one hundred demons just like the first one, equally ugly and smelly, as Cordelia had seen in her vision.
The sound of footsteps coming down the staircase caught the group's attention, all of whom momentarily lost the ability to breathe.
― Don't you dare make a single comment! ― he exclaimed through his teeth.
― I wouldn't say anything, boss ― Wesley replied quickly.
―Great! Where's Spike?
―Right here, Dark Avenger. I'm pretty sure I left you the mask on top of the outfit. Why aren't you wearing it? The set is not complete without the mask... At least you put on the cape, that's a start!
―Is that all you have to say, William?
― But it's not that bad... I have always defended the idea that you should wear a disguise, Angel. This came in handy! We should take advantage and shoot the new commercial. Don't you dare get out of here, I'll get the camera and I'll be right back. ― Cordelia ran up the stairs, leaving the soulful vampire horrified by the seer's plan.
Wesley and Fred, not wanting to call attention to themselves but curious, surrounded the superhero. As they stood behind Angel to admire the cobalt blue cape, a gust of wind emerged from the street and lifted the cloak, revealing the thong. Fred looked away quickly, embarrassed, noting how the obscene thong was stuck between the buttocks coated with black clinging tights. For his part, the former Watcher fainted loudly in the middle of the entrance to Hotel Hyperion.
At the door stood a shocked green demon, whose name you may have guessed.
― I just came to see Winifred and check on her. The poor thing still seems greatly shaken by the whole affair of her old life in slavery, but... Well, from the look of things, I think Angel-Cake needs my advice more than anyone right now. What song would you like to sing, Angel? ― On the wrong end of a piercing look, Lorne switched strategies and sat on an armchair. ― So, how long you been feeling not like yourself? ― He crossed his legs, placing his hands on his knees, adopting a professional pose. ― Would you like to talk about your obvious identity crisis, Angel?
While Angel was trying to restrain himself from killing one of his friends, Spike was straightening the costume without being noticed. He moved the cape, placing it at the correct angle, revealing a bright white star on each of the soulful vampire's nipples.
Gunn burst out laughing, falling to the ground at one point, clutching his stomach in a vain attempt to ease the stomach pain, fruit of the enormous effort that he made with each scandalous guffaw.
―OK! That's it! Enough! ― Angel shouted, throwing himself against the blond and starting a fight.
― No! Not there, Peaches, you will spoil the Dark Avenger symbol, do you have any idea how expensive it was? ― Spike cried, seeing the cloak rip in half, almost reaching the Superhero logo. ― I had the costume made to order! And tailored to you, on top of that... It was a big investment! ― The blond dodged a punch and ran in the opposite direction.
― Shut up! And do not run away! Come here and die with dignity... ― He broke the leg off a chair and picked up a stake. ― This time you will not escape, Spike!
― Bloody hell, Poof, you're supposed to be the hero! Heroes do not kill! ― He deflected to the right and Angel stabbed the stake into an armchair. ― Have you thought about putting on the mask? I made it myself...! ― he said with a proud smile. The brunet stood up, pulled the stake from the chair and threw himself against the younger vampire. ― Did you not like the pattern? You're a vampire, so I thought cobalt blue – representing the night sky with black bats – would be to your liking!?
― Do you never shut up? ― Angel shouted.
―Nop! Since we are talking about fashion sense – everyone knows that Superheroes use hair gel to pull it back and not to have a porcupine effect... Have you never seen Superman? Hair back is stylish, look at me – not like that look of yours that makes it seem like you were the victim of an electric shock!
oOo
A week later...
Spike watched the landscape of Sunnydale.
― Home sweet home! Finally safe from the fury of Captain Forehead... Should I make use of these beauties? ― He stared at the closed bag. ― After all, he almost killed me! A little revenge is in order... Where should I start?
oOo
Giles opened the door to the Magic Box and was surprised by a flood of blue, white and black balloons. With the balloons also came some decorative ribbons that formed a corridor leading to a triptych photography piece of the Dark Avenger aka. Angel, wearing his ridiculous superhero costume in varying planes and perspectives.
The door reopened, making the bell ring, indicating the entry of a new potential client..
― Giles, I need your hel... What the fuck is this? ― Buffy could not look away of Angel' butt.
― Do you get what you nee... ― Willow covered her eyes as she was faced with the white stars on Angel's chest. She had only come inside to see if everything was all right, noting that her friend had not returned after long, almost endless, minutes.
The bell rung once more, announcing a young couple.
― What are you waiting for? ― Xander opened his eyes in amazement, turned back and took Anya out of the store in a race against time, lest his nymphomaniac girlfriend start having unpleasant ideas – unpleasant for Xander himself – about Angel.
― Hey! Isn't that your ex-boyfriend, Buffy? ― asked Dawn with an appreciative look from the street, as Xander dragged the former demon home, where he would give her the sex of her life ― I didn't know he was a cosplay fan!? Though I would have chosen another color...
oOo
Three months later...
Time healed everything and finally, Angel stopped receiving calls insulting him and calling him an abomination. Spike had had the audacity to spread pamphlets with his picture on the superhero outfit throughout town, with Angel Investigations' name and contact info. He'd even received calls from a gay bar and some strip clubs trying to recruit him, and even from a drag queen who wanted a night of caliente pasión.
Angel answered the phone, being received by the voice of one of the people he loved the most.
― Angel, I know you're desperate to build a relationship, but dressing like that and sending me an album full of shameful and revealing photos isn't the best strategy... I didn't need to have see it... In fact, I did not want to have seen it!
― Seen what? What are you talking about? ― he asked, confused.
― Dark Avenger! ― he responded sharply ― Shower! Ass! Nipples!... Beep... Beep... Beep...
He'd hung up in his face.
―This has gone too far, Spike. First the Sunnydale crew, then all of LA and now you even dare to contact my son and send him... send him... send him that!? Haaaaa! ― He slammed the phone down abruptly on the fixed holder and pulled on his hair insanely. ― You're a dead man, William! If Connor never speaks to me again... I'll shove a stake into you where the sun does not shine... And then shove another in the heart, to end my suffering...
End Notes:
I apologize to any Superhero who might have felt ignored, but the number of vacancies was limited.