A/N: This one's for you, Courtney! For you with all my love.
A Mudblood Like Me
I watched him from my place on the floor as I sobbed. I watched as he walked out on me, as he left me for good, this time. How could I have been so stupid, so bold as to think he'd actually stay with someone like me? How could I ever thing a pureblood like him would settle for a mudblood like me?
He's been gone since the early morning. His words seem to only echo throughout my head, they're stuck in my mind. 'I've had enough, Hermione,' he screams, 'I can't do this anymore. I won't keep holding onto this secret. It's tearing me apart. I won't be a disgrace to my family's name.'
And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to.
He said I can't stay in his house anymore, said I have to leave. But who do I run to? I haven't any friends anymore, not since they found out about us. I haven't got a family, I haven't anyone. Where do you run to when there's no one left?
Without a home, without a friend
without a face to say hello to.
He's been gone all day, since the early morning and I'm here alone, in this house that I hate. I haven't got anywhere to go or anyone to run to. Tell me, what's a girl to do? The night brings with it the sweet smell of the dew, and the darkness which I hate. Loathing and foreboding is in the air and I've no where to run to.
But now the night is near,
And I can make-believe he's here.
Curling up with myself, finding comfort in the nice quiet alone, I can still smell him; still hear him as he screams at me. 'I want you out, out of my head, out of my heart, out of my life!' Tears cling to my lashes again; it's not the first time tonight. 'I never loved you!' How can four little words have such an impact on someone? How is it that those four words tore my world down, crumbled it at my feet as he stood and watched?
Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everyone else is sleeping.
The gardens are beautiful, even in this heavy darkness, the same darkness I hate. Rows upon rows of flowers, oh how his mother loved them. That sweet, sweet, perfume; smells like angles ought to smell.
I'm thinking of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping.
The cold harsh reality slaps me in the face, it stings a bit. Lost in a day dream all I can hear is how loudly he can scream. 'You're nothing to me! I'm pureblood, Hermione!' He says my name like I disgust him, says it with a hiss in his tone. He thinks I'm beneath him, thinks I'm disposable. I suppose I am. He could never love a mudblood like me.
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head.
Learning is something I've always been able to do, and I was good at it, as it seems though, not everyone can learn like me. I thought he could learn, learn to love me, love me as much as I love him. But he can't, can't or won't, I don't know.
Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping.
The earth beneath me is cold and wet, wet from the fallen dew. I don't mind. Lying in the dirt I start up at the stars, how they twinkle. They say sometimes the stars we see are dead already but their light hasn't stopped shining because it takes so long to reach us. I wonder, is there someone out there looking at me and thinking the same thing? Am I already dead and I just haven't realized it?
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping.
It's time to go. He said I couldn't stay. How I will miss this house with its looming darkness and the emptiness it holds. How I will miss his cold grey eyes and the emptiness they hold. Though I've no where to run to, no one to take me in, I've got to go for he's said I can not stay.
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head.
The darkness wraps her arms around me, like a cloak in the night, holding me tightly, she will ensure it; I'll be alright. Miles upon miles it seems I've traveled, and miles to go before I sleep.
On my own
Pretending he's beside me.
It's the overwhelming sense of being alone that I can't take. It's the darkness that scares me. I had to go, he said I couldn't stay. So many harsh words, so many tears spilt. He doesn't care, that's what he said. 'I will rid myself of you for good. I want you out!'
All alone
I walk with him 'til morning.
Pretending he's here, that's all I've got. If I can just make myself believe I'm not alone, I'll make it out alright. Trickery, that's the key, that's what he said. 'You've been playing games with me. This was all some sort of trickery, I would never love you.'
Without him, I feel his arms around me
And when I lose me way, I close me eyes and he has found me.
Sense of direction was never my strong suit, though it doesn't matter if I get lost, I haven't got anywhere to go. No place to run to, no one to find me. Rain's coming; I can smell it in the air, that clean, new smell. It's the smell of a new beginning, or perhaps it's the smell of the end. I don't know. Nothing in life is certain, nothing. A light shower in the morning light, that's okay, the darkness, she told me, I'm going to be alright.
In the rain
The pavement shines like silver.
His eyes form in the tiny droplets of water, they shatter on the hard, uncaring ground. His eyes shatter like mine did. I hope it hurts.
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight.
All I see is him and me forever and forever.
The darkness, she's promised, I'm going to make it out alright. But she never said I wouldn't have to fight. Time and time again I've promised him everything, said anything just to keep him near. And time and time again, he's told me I was nothing. I'm just a mudblood, a good for nothing mudblood, and he's so perfect. What would a pureblood like him ever want with a filthy mudblood like me?
How could you do this to me? All I ever did was try to please you. Appease your every wish; call out your name with my words full of love. Every single strand of your light hair, your cold grey eyes, they never mattered to me, never made me hate you. All of those hurtful words and the hateful stares, directed toward no one but me. I loved every word, every bat of the eye. But I'm just a mudblood, no good at all.
And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him.
Thinking back trying hard to no feel the pain inside, I try to justify his actions. I tell myself he's just confused, he'll come find you and everything will be okay. He's going to come, he's going to come. He's got to. You've got no one to run to, no one that cares. He's just testing you, wants to see if you'll go. Think happy thoughts because I'm always with you, those words don't seem to hold so much meaning now. There's no one out there waiting for you, no one that cares. Hold yourself together because at the end of the night, the darkness has said, she's said you'd be alright.
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say there's a way for us.
Anything in my power, anything he asked of me, I'd do. I'd change my name, change my face, but none of those things will change the blood flowing within my veins. Nothing can change the fact, I'm a mudblood, a good for nothing mudblood. I had to leave, he said I couldn't stay.
I love him
But when the night is over
He's gone.
Streams steadily flowing it seems like an endless cycle. Vicious and powerful, beautifully miraculous. Even through the eyes of this mudblood, the world doesn't appear to be the same. All but me, now I'm just a face without a name. I haven't got anywhere to run to, no one to hold me tight. I couldn't stay; he's said I had to leave last night. 'Why won't you just listen to me? I said I don't want you here!'
The river's just a river
Without him, the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers.
Why would anyone look into the face of a mudblood like me? None of the people I pass even seem to see me. None of them can see the despair in my eyes, either that or none of them care. That's okay, because the darkness, she's told me, I'm going to be alright.
I love him
But every day I'm lonely.
The time ticks by, the miles stretch out before me. When will my journey come to an end? When will that pureblood see there's more to me? I'm so much more than he ever cared to notice, so much better than the blood which flows inside of me.
All my life, I've only been pretending
Without me, his world will go on turning
The world is full of a happiness that I've never known.
When I'm gone, and he finally notices, not a single tear will he shed, not over a mudblood, a mudblood just like me.
I love him
I love him
I love him…
But only on my own…
No one, not even that perfect pureblood could ever love a mudblood, a mudblood like me.
A/N: Credit to Les Miserables for the lyrics of 'On my Own.' And credit is due to Courtney for this request. Yes, ladies and gents, I also do requests ;) Let me know what you think! Sway