"Janet, have you finished that report?"
"Yeah, I gave it to Rob half an hour ago, he said he'd give it to you. Did he not?" said Janet, taking her glasses off and turning round to face Gill, who was standing in the doorway of her office with her arms folded.
"Well, where is Rob?" asked Gill, sounding a little exasperated. The whole file was supposed to be with the CPS by 3.30 and it was coming up to 3.
Janet shrugged. "I thought maybe he was dropping them off?"
"No, I have to sign them, and he hasn't brought them to me." She paused, looking around. "And where's Rachel?"
Janet's face clouded over and she shrugged again. Gill gave another sigh, this feud was ridiculous. Even though they often distracted each other and seemed to spend half of their time gossiping in the toilets, she valued Rachel and Janet's friendship on her team above all others. It meant they always worked well together, and communication between them was always efficient and effective.
"Well when did you last see her?"
"I don't know, 10, maybe 20 minutes ago. She's probably having a fag?" Janet put her head on one side in what Gill observed to be a rather saracastic manner. She knew when Janet was being serious and when she wasn't. "Or, maybe that's where Rob's gone. Another male officer fallen victim to the wiles of DC Bailey." Gill closed her eyes in a minute of frustration, that comment was un-called for and very out of character for Janet. When did she become so catty? As she opened her eyes she saw Janet's expression had turned to one of guilt, clearly she was wondering the same.
"Janet..." Gill badly wanted her team to stay disciplined under her leadership, but in her professional judgement this did not seem something that could be sorted by giving either of them a stiff talking to. She wasn't sure quite how to breach the subject. Janet had been her friend for nearly 20 years, but first and foremost in Gill's eyes, when it came to her team, she was Janet's superior and she had to put the well-being of her team before her friend. "Can I have a word in my office" Gill knew full well that everyone had been listening just then, and one quick glance over to Mitch and Lee's desk confirmed this as they quickly bowed their heads to avoid catching her eye. It was best to continue their conversation where overly-curious ears could not reach.
As Gill shut her office door she looked at Janet closely. She hadn't had a chance to properly discuss what had caused such a sudden change in dynamic between the two women, but she had guessed it was to do with Rachel and Kevin, and the drama that had unravelled surrounding their elicit fling.
"Are you ok?" this was a good starting point, thought Gill.
"Fine."
One word answers, brilliant. '20 years' thought Gill. 'Two decades of laughter and trust-building, and yet she won't even talk to me'. She would have to try a different approach.
"I see you and Rachel haven't patched things up?"
"There's nothing to patch up."
"Janet, you two were as thick as thieves!" said Gill, quite surprised at how void of emotions Janet's responses had so far been. "Surely this is just a spat?"
That's when Janet's face altered and the stony look was replaced with what Gill would only describe as despair. "I can't"
"What?"
"It's just not that simple" said Janet, shaking her head.
"Well, unless you tell me exactly what happened then I don't have a hope of understanding!" said Gill, trying to keep the exasperation out of her voice. Janet sounded so ridiculous! This wasn't just anyone they were talking about. This was the person who had transformed Janet. Gill had known her for so long, but they had gone their separate ways in the sense of careers, and it had only been a few years previous when Gill had welcomed Janet back to her team. She was pleased to see her work ethic and warmth were still with her, but some of her old wit and fun seemed to have been drained from her after so many years in the job. Until Rachel had come along Janet seemed to have accepted the middle-aged working mum role far too readily. If there was one thing Gill could not fail to give Rachel credit for, it was for bringing her old friend back out of that shell and putting the smile that Gill knew and loved, backed onto Janet's face. Their friendship had blossomed so quickly it was difficult to imagine that they'd only known each other for such a short amount of time, and now Janet was talking like there was no going back. As if the last 2 and half years had meant nothing.
Janet began to explain. The same way she had done to Rob less than a week before. She explained about Rachel and Sean, about the one-night stand and the phone call asking for Susie. She explained about Rachel coming to stay with her after sleeping in the office. "She was sleeping in the office?" Gill cut in.
"It was the night I came home to find Helen" said Janet, wondering whether she should really be telling Gill about this. "I rung her home and Sean answered saying she was still out, so I tried her mobile and she said she was in bed. Then she came clean."
"God almighty" Said Gill, shaking her head, rather taken aback; "and there was I thinking I knew half of what went on within these walls."
"So anyway" Janet continued, "I told her she could come and stay at mine. I wanted to help her. My mum wasn't happy about that from the start."
Gill smiled to herself. No, she could quite believe that of Janet's straight-laced mother Dorothy, who Gill had always managed to hide her wilder side from in fear that she would be hit by disapproval. Clearly Rachel had not been wary enough of this.
Janet then proceeded to tell her about the argument between Rachel and Sean which had lead to Rachel's permanent lodging at Janet's house, up until the night where she had brought Kevin back and Janet had come home to find Taisie looking mortified to see the woman she adored so openly defying her recent marriage vows in the room next door. Janet could not keep the anger and hurt she felt from her voice, and as she explained the way she saw the events that followed Gill was beginning to understand her point of view. Janet felt that Rachel had hurt her daughter, and Gill knew as a mother that this was an unforgivable act. However, Gill could see, as she was sure Janet should be able to, that Rachel's intention was not malicious.
"Janet I don't think she meant..."
"I know. I know she didn't, but she doesn't understand, and all I see when I look at her, is Taisie's disappointment. And come on, she's now been unfaithful to Sean twice!" Janet voice was shaking. "Surely you of all people..."
Gill winced. Yes, what Janet was about to say was perfectly true. She knew exactly how much that hurt, although Janet was one to talk. "What about you and Andy?"
Janet looked shifty for a second, "Yeah...she said that"
Gill raised her eyesbrows.
"That was after 25 years, and that was a big mistake" her voice had turned defensive.
Gill put her hands up as if in surrender. "All I'm asking is for you to consider it from her point of view. Rachel has made a lot of mistakes...I mean ALOT, but she's dealing with them, and my concern if the welfare of this team. So, for all of our sakes I would at least ask you to be civil until you work out your differences. Ok?"
Janet opened her mouth, as if to point out that this was unlikely, but then she thought better of it and simply nodded, before turning on her heel and leaving Gill standing behind her desk, feeling about as confused with the happenings of the past week as she did after a heavy night drinking. Trying to piece together what exactly had happened, when it had happened, and why it had happened. She was about to sit down and return to the email she had been half way through writing before she had noticed the time and asked Janet about Rob, when the man himself popped his head around the door looking sheepish.
"And where have you been?" Gill regretted this turn of phrase almost as soon as she had uttered it. It sounded like something she used to say to Sammy if he dared walk in 5 minutes later than he should have done. She must remember in the future to treat Rob more like her sergeant and less like a naughty school boy.
"I was just...well the printer had broken downstairs and some of the guys were trying to fix it, and I said I'd help...I got a bit...well...I lost track of time." He looked down, embarrassed "Sorry ma'am"
"Have you got those papers for me to sign?"
Rob riffled through the folder in his hand in a panic. Gill couldn't help being amused whenever he got so flustered over small things, like a small puppy dog so eager to please. In the end he held out two separate sheets. She signed them off, handed them back and he rushed out. They'd never get to the CPS on time if he gave them to one of the uniforms downstairs to take round, but knowing Rob he was probably already half way to the courthouse by the time she'd even sat at her desk.
"Ma'am?"
"Yes?" She was destined never to finish this email. She looked up over her glasses to see Mitch standing in her doorway. She indicated for him to speak with a small nod of her head.
"Divisional command have got back about the report on Sean McCartney and his assault on...on DC Lumb."
Clearly Mitch, like many of them, were unforgiving of Kevin's actions. Not a single one had uttered his name since he'd left. Not even Pete.
"Right?"
"Apparently he's to be suspended from his duty pending investigation." Mitch paused, looking grave "It would seem that in light of DC Lumb's recent conviction this means that any action surrounding him will take longer to process, but Sean's looking at disciplinary action."
"Ok" Gill sighed, she couldn't exactly blame Sean for how he had acted, although in terms of professionalism his actions were downright foolish.
Mitch nodded and turned to go, but then seemed to remember something and turned back round "Also, they need a statement from Rachel as well, and they may need to speak to her in the coming week"
"Why?"
"Apparently Sean has pleaded some sort of diminished responsibility, like some twisted crime of passion type affair. It would appear that he hasn't held back in the details of exactly what happened leading up to the assault"
"God preserve us." Said Gill sounding frustrated. Not that Sean didn't have every right to try and save himself where possible, but by revealing Rachel's connection with Kevin he really had opened a can of worms. It would probably also mean extra paper work for her as well, as they always liked things to be signed and witnessed by the line manager of the person in question. Brilliant.
"Ma'am, you wanted to see me?" asked Rachel, with a slight knock on the door as if to confirm her presence.
"Shut the door." As Rachel did, and proceeded to take a seat, Gill slid her glasses off her nose and placed them on the desk in front of her.
"You are being required to make a statement of your version of events regarding PC McCartney's assault on DC Lumb."
Rachel went white. "W-Why?"
"It would appear that PC McCartney is claiming that he was provoked in some way by DC Lumb, and if this gets turned around, which is easily could due to the sensitivity surrounding...well, Kevin isn't too popular with divisional command either at the minute, is he? This could affect his case, and could even affect you, depending on what Sean has told them.
"Would he- I mean...Surely he wouldn't..." her voice trailed off. Rachel knew what she'd done to Sean, and she also knew how hurt he had been, but hurt enough to try and ruin her career as well?
"I'm just giving an example of how these things sometimes end up. And with your recent record of issues, and the new information of your involvement with Kevin whilst he was leaking information to the press..."
"They might stick it to me as well." Rachel's voice was hoarse and there were angry tears in her eyes. She blinked rapidly, taking a deep breath in the obvious hopes that Gill hadn't noticed.
"Nothing's definite" said Gill quietly. "We're talking worst case scenario"
"What, like when I was questioned on suspicion of murder? Or when I was arrested on suspicion of murder? Or when they thought I was the brains behind that same bloody murder?" Rachel's voice was getting louder.
"Rachel, this is out of my hands!"
"I know."
"Sean may not even know about Kevin."
"Surely that doesn't make a difference if he's already told them...I mean, Jesus, I slept with him ok, ONCE, in ONE drunken night and now they're going to make out that I knew something" Rachel stood up as she finished her sentence and banged the chair backwards as she did so. Gill stayed silent, knowing that Rachel had every right to be angry; she wasn't having the best of luck where her questioned integrity was concerned.
Gill reached into her draw and rummaged around until she found the folder she was looking for. She took out one sheet of paper, signed it, and handed it to Rachel, "You'll need to get Rob to sign this as well" she paused for a second remembering. "Actually Rob's out, get Janet to sign it"
"But she's not..."
"Technically it just has to be witnessed before and after by two of you colleagues, but usually this would two senior members of staff. In this case Janet is next best"
Rachel sighed. She'd rather she didn't have anything to do with Janet if it meant admitting that she was in trouble again.
Outside the office Janet was typing away as Rachel walked up to her and placed the sheet on her keyboard, forcing Janet to stop typing. She looked down at the sheet and then up at Rachel, who couldn't help noticing that her expression resembled that of her old head teacher every time she had been in trouble.
"Why have you got this?"
"What's it to you?" Rachel had had enough of Janet's condescending tone towards her over the past week.
Janet took her glasses with a sigh, as if she were about to explain something very simple to an ignorant child. "Rachel, I need to know what this is about, otherwise I can't verify what I am signing off, can I?" she said the last two words with quite some force and Rachel scowled at her.
She paused and took a deep breath before speaking, trying to keep her tone even. She wasn't going to give Janet the satisfaction of sounding upset if she could help it. "It's a statement about Sean assaulting Kevin." She paused and looked at Janet, and she couldn't help feeling desperately lonely at that moment. Usually with things like this, Janet was the first person she could turn to for support.
"Ok?" said Janet, questioningly.
"It's been flagged up by divisional command that I was..." she searched for the right word, although Janet had witnessed firsthand what she was about to describe. "...that I may have been closely involved with Kevin around the time he was blabbing to D-" she stopped, realising that by revealing the name of the journalist Kevin had spoken to, she was admitting to speaking to him since his arrest. "to the press" she finished quickly.
"They think you knew?" asked Janet steadily. Her voice gave nothing away to how she had taken this piece of news.
"Gill thinks there's a chance I could be investigated as a potential accessory to this, yes."
"Right" Janet's face was still giving nothing away and suddenly Rachel couldn't stand it.
"Look, I didn't" she said, rather more loudly than she had intended. Luckily there was only Mitch and Pete in the office, but they both looked up, rather surprised. Rachel looked at Janet, desperately searching her face for some sign of sympathy or interest, but when she saw none it suddenly hit her that maybe they would never make it up. She must have really annoyed Janet for this and she suddenly felt powerless to any hopes of reconciliation between them.
Janet put her glasses back on and signed the sheet on the line underneath Gill's. She took her glasses off and handed it back to Rachel. For a moment she looked as if there were 100 things she wanted to say but decided against it, and instead said, rather bluntly. "I'm sure if you've got nothing to hide they'll find nothing."
Rachel stared at her. So Janet was implying there was something to hide? Was Janet in some way insinuating that she believed Rachel may have been involved? That she and Kevin had somehow been in this together?
"I. Did not. Know." She repeated, her voice was shaking.
"I'm not saying you did"
"Yes but your implying it with that tone of bloody minded superiority" Rachel was almost shouting.
"What's going on?" Gill had appeared at her office door, with the first intention to pop to the loo, but now it would seem, as always, she had something more pressing to deal with.
"Is that what everyone's thinking?" said Rachel angrily, swinging round with her hands held out as if to include everyone in the room, although Pete and Mitch were still the only two others there.
"Rachel I didn't say that, if you choose to take that the wrong-"
"How am I supposed to take it?" Rachel had turned back to Janet with angry tears in her eyes. She cared very little what most people thought of her, but Janet was different. Janet was the one person whose opinion had always mattered to her, and now the one person she needed support from was giving her nothing but a stony look of resignation. She was left with nobody.
Registering the silence, and feeling all eyes on her back, Rachel was suddenly very aware that she was in a room surrounded by people who probably felt they couldn't trust her...or maybe, like Janet they simply did not care anymore. She snatched the newly signed piece of paper from under Janet's arm and half ran out of the office as tears threatened to start cascading down her cheeks. She was not going to cry in front of anyone. As she reached the toilets she barely had time to check that they were empty before a sob escaped her lips and she half fell to the floor, her legs crumpling beneath her as she put her hand to her mouth to stifle a wail. She put her head in her hands.
All she wanted to do, all she had ever wanted to do was to be a police officer...a detective! Solving crimes, and eventually working her way up. But Gill had said it last week, Rachel could never have the career she dreamed of, not if she carried on like she was. She barely registered the door of the ladies toilets open softly, but then she became aware of someone behind her. Just as she was about to turn round, wondering for one swift moment if it could possibly be Janet, she remembered that Janet no longer cared whether she was upset. As she had bluntly put it the week before "I used to care what happened to you, but now, I don't give a monkeys". So there was Rachel, sprawled on the floor sitting half in a cubicle leaning against the open door, and one of the female members of staff was watching her, looking a complete mess. She couldn't be bothered to move, to turn around, to explain. She curled up tighter, hoping they would just leave her alone, but then the person spoke.
"Are you ok?" and as Rachel turned her head slightly at the sound of her voice, softer than usual, she saw, standing there slightly awkwardly, was Gill.
A sense of relief swept through Rachel, which surprised her as she thought she should have felt more embarrassed that her boss was standing there, staring down at her. She could only imagine how much of a mess she looked. She suddenly realised that she'd given no answer when Gill moved round so she was standing almost in front of her, although the cubicle wall meant she was slightly to the left.
Gill was staring down at Rachel feeling slightly helpless. She couldn't imagine what went on in Rachel's mind to make her act the way she did, and out of everything she had done she certainly couldn't understand why Rachel had chosen Kevin of all people, even though Gill had secretly thought they would end up together sooner or later. There was a dynamic between them that had always interested her, and everyone in the office could see that Kevin had always had a soft spot for Rachel- it frustrated Gill that whenever she had been forced to snap him back to attention, it was almost always because he was staring at Rachel across the table.
She looked closely at Rachel, sitting slumped in the cubicle. She looked like a little girl who had lost all fight. Gill had heard Janet's comment, and she knew how Rachel must have taken it. She didn't understand why she had hurt Janet, and right at that moment she could really have used a friend. Gill would never be able to explain what came over her in that moment, but every instinct she had pulled her towards the DC, who looked so alone. She slowly bent down so that she was looking straight at her. Rachel looked up, slightly surprised. Tears were still falling down her cheeks and it was obviously taking everything she had for her face not to crumple completely, as her lips were quivering. Gill wasn't quite sure what to say. She didn't have much experience with being the 'go to' person for comfort. In the office she was always the boss, and at home Sammy, like herself, was very closed off with his emotions.
She remembered when Dave had left. She remembered holding Sammy so tight, but at that time it had felt so natural, and although she would never have admitted it to anyone, even herself, the hug had been exactly what she'd needed. At that moment she tried to put herself in the role of Rachel's mother- not the boisterous alcoholic lady who in Gill's opinion looked like a drag queen, and had about as much class as a rhinoceros- but someone who cared about Rachel and loved her the way she, Gill, loved Sammy. Suddenly Gill's maternal instinct took over her actions and she found herself turning herself round and sitting on the floor next to Rachel.
For a moment neither of them said a word. The only sound in the room was one of the taps dripping.
Finally, Gill spoke quietly, with the only thing she could think of. "It'll be ok.
Rachel sniffed. "Will it?" she sounded so feeble that Gill reached out her left arm involuntarily and squeezed Rachel's.
"You know, I think those twats in command would only have to watch you working for five minutes, and they'd see what I saw."
Rachel sniffed again and looked up at Gill.
"What's that?"
Gill sighed. "I think you know what I think about you." She squinted at her, wondering if Rachel had ever actually taken in any compliment she had ever paid her.
"I think you're bright, I think you're hard-working, I think you're dedicated, I think you're passionate, but-" she paused and looked right into Rachel's eyes. "I think you think you're not worthy of this job, or maybe that you think you don't deserve it"
Rachel looked down.
"It's my whole life"
"I know it is" said Gill softly. "And that's the problem"
Rachel looked confused.
"I told you last week that your job IS your life, and you shouldn't want it to be a part of your life." Gill continued. "but what I meant was, your home life shouldn't interfere with your job. Whilst you are here your job is top priority, in fact nothing else should matter"
"I know..."
Gill shook her head slightly with a slight grimace. "I know what it's like to try and use your work as an escape, but you can't. It effects how you perform, and when your performance is affected it affects everyone you work with"
"Which is why I've managed to piss everyone off?"
Gill gave a small smile. "I wouldn't say everyone"
"Janet?"
Gill sighed. "I know. But look at it from her point of view. She was doing you a massive favour by letting you stay whilst you sorted your marriage out, and then you brought someone else, HER colleague, back to HER house, disturbing HER daughter. You must see how betrayed she feels?"
Rachel's nodded sadly. Gill had spelt it out for her, and hearing it from someone else lips only made what she had done seem even more terrible.
"How did Sean find out?" asked Gill quietly.
"I told him?"
"That was brave! Took Dave 10 bloody years"
Rachel managed a small smile, but fresh tears threatened to spill down her cheeks. "I messed up everyone's life"
"Not everyone's"
"Janet's. Sean's. Kevin's"
"Kevin needed no help screwing everything up" said Gill matter-of-factly.
"But I made him feel worse. I must've been stupid not to know how he felt. But-" her face crumpled. "I guess that's just what I do isn't it? Destroy everything that gets in my path"
"You haven't destroyed me" Gill pointed out. "and- she gave another small smile, which this time Rachel could not return. "I'd like to see you try!"
I know I don't deserve her forgiveness" said Rachel weakly. "I don't even deserve yours"
"Who said you've got mine?" Gill realised that wasn't the appropriate time to make a joke. "There was nothing to forgive" she added quickly. "You didn't set out to do anything to me, did you?"
Rachel shook her head.
"But Janet won't forgive me, ever!"
"Give it time"
Rachel was shaking her head vigorously. "No, she won't, she said. She said she doesn't care anymore"
"Well, if I know Janet- and I DO- she just needs time to get over it"
"But I can't stand it" said Rachel and she put her head in her hands. She started sobbing uncontrollably.
Gill didn't even hesitate. Her maternal instinct was still working as she wrapped her arms around Rachel's shaking frame, and held her.
"Sshh it's ok" Gill wasn't sure what else there was to say. She was sure that eventually Rachel would be forgiven by Janet. She knew that the rest of the team would forget everything in no time, as they so often forgave each other for small mistakes. She was sure that nothing would come of the investigation into Rachel, and if it did she was willing- whatever she may have said the previous week- to fight for her whatever came of it. But in this particular moment Rachel felt alone, and vulnerable; much like Gill had felt way back when Dave had told her he was leaving. When she felt there was nobody she could turn to and she was supposed to be strong. She remembered how holding Sammy -and having him hold on tight to her in return- had made her feel so much more secure, and had given the smallest faith that everything really would be ok.
She tightened her hold of Rachel, resting her cheek on the top of her head and feeling her soft brown hair tickling it slightly, as she held her close. "It'll be ok kid. I promise" she stroked Rachel's back slowly. "Everything WILL be ok"
THE END.