The Problems with Ragnorak Online
Holy Matrimony. Love. Peace. Rainbow. Unicorns.
But in the mind of Ms. Wizard and her lovely groom, Mr. Knight, naughtier thoughts prevailed. Tomorrow they would be married in Prontera to cement their love from Al Da Baren. They were hip, cool, and open like most people including their fellow travelers: Mr. Merchant, Mr. Bard, and Ms. Priest. Being hip cool and open also meant a good randy roll in the hay before the good ole wedding day.
If you did not get that innuendo, they were going to have vivid intercourse throughout the entire night.
They had traveled the entire day from Al Da Baren without intercourse and had set up camp a half days journey from Prontera. Of course they needed some reprieve!
So they did the usual things people do when they were about to have sex. They were naked for one. And as usual they were playing underneath the sheets in the tent laughing and giggling.
But tonight was not a usual night. Usually this place was safe from any sort of monster that happened to pass by. But in this day, an Agriope, a giant red centipede like creature, had crawled all the way from Mt. Moljinor searching for shelter. To it, the soft sheets inside Mr. Knight's tent was the perfect resting spot.
So it crawled between the sheets admist the giggling and laughter of the couple.
The hiss of an Agriope as it nailed its target wafted over the entire camp over the soft chirping of crickets.
"OW, SHIT!"
"OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!"
Ms. Wizard did her best not to panic. That lasted about ten seconds.
"LORD OF VERMILLION!"
The powerful wind spell light up the night. Explosions rocked the campsite, flash burnt the tent to ashes, and flung the charred corpse of the Agriope miles into the stratosphere.
"Honey," Ms. Wizard asked recovering from the shock. "Are you alright? Did it bite you?"
"Yes, NO! NO NO! It didn't bite me." The Knight grunted underneath the scorched sheets. He pulled the sheets more tightly around him.
"Okay… nevermind tonight… let's just go to sleep… alright?" The Knight said seemingly pained.
Ms. Wizard embarrassed by her overreaction and wondering how her companions could sleep through the explosions decided to keep quiet for the rest of the night.
Morning
The Bard had woken up early in the morning confused by the blackened ground where the soon to be newly weds slept.
They must have had a WILD night. The Bard chuckled to himself and walked to the center of the camp. The Priest was busy with her usual morning tea, and the Merchant was busy checking through his stock of potions and various rare items he kept in his cart.
"Hey, pour me some of that tea, will ya?" The Bard pulled out his traveling mug he kept for this occasion.
The Wizard came back into the camp fully dressed and seemingly refreshed.
"Wild night with the Knight, huh?" Bard chuckled as the Priest poured him some of the tea.
"Well it would have been if an Agriope didn't show itself. Surprised the heck outta me." She combed her wet hair before flash drying it with a small fire spell. The Bard decided he should also take a dip in the nearby stream after the tea woke him up. Something felt a little out of place.
"Hey, where's your Knight in shining armor today?"
Said Knight stumbled into camp hunched over. A large sheet was wrapped around his waist. He was extremely pale as if he lost a lot blood.
"Guys," He said distressed. "I think I gotta problem."
"What problem?" The Wizard asked suddenly.
"You know that Agriope? Well…"
"Don't tell me it bit you," the Merchant voiced his response.
"Well, it kinda did. Just knicked me." He gulped as if it was hard to breath. The merchant put his head in his hands and nodded rubbing the bridge of his nose.
"Shit, man. You alright? Where'd it bite you?" The Bard set his coffee mug down as a look of concern flashed across his face.
"It bit me…" The Knight was getting tired about to collapse.
"Where did it bite you?" The Bard did not like where this was going.
"It bit me… down there." He nodded downards.
"On your leg?"
"No!" The Knight could barely get the words out.
"Between the legs."
"Awe shit! I thought you said nothing happened!" The Wizard had plans for the wedding. This was years in the making and some insect might have ruined it!
"Calm down!" The Priest voiced as she walked up to the Knight. "Now I need you to calmly drop the sheet so we can see what the damage is."
"Oh man right here?" The Bard asked irritated. The Knight was his best friend. He didn't know if this Priest could handle the problem; she just got the job afterall.
"Okay…" The Knight carefully removed the blanket around his waist.
The blanket fell to the ground without a sound. What it was holding up slammed into the ground like a two ton boulder with a wet hairy smack.
"HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!" The Priest cartwheeled backwards spilling the tea pot all over the campfire instantly killing the fire.
"WHAT THE HELL!" The Bard tried to hold in his disgust but it came out as he vomited onto the ground.
"OH MY GOD!" The merchant dropped the white potion in his hand spilling the expensive concoction.
The Wizard, the bride, was shell shocked and silent. She sat down with a thump, her body going into a coma.
"IS THAT FOR REAL!" The Bard like a frightened chimpanzee dropped on all fours grabbed a stick and began poking the Knight's massive, swollen member.
"Geezus! It's gotta be like half a foot thick! It's swollen bigger than the damn Agriope that bit him!" The Bard dropped the stick like it had been cursed, fell on his ass, and scooted as far away as possible.
None of them, excepting the dazed look of the Wizard, could take their eyes off of the appendage.
"I don't feel good, guys." The Knight was trying to stay aloft. Exhaustion finally overtook his conscience but his third leg kept him from collapsing.
"We need to do something!" The Bard said shaking the Priest as if to jumpstart her brain. He pulled her off to the side trying to ask what to do.
"Bard, He's gonna die." The Priest said almost hysterically. "Look at him! He's fucked!"
"No! He's a friend, we gotta help him!" The Bard wildly looked around the camp and grabbed the merchant's wicked, polished two handed axe.
"I KNOW!' The Bard said with a maniacal gleam in his eye. The Axe in his hand held high in the air and gleamed in the sunlight.
"WE'LL LANCE IT OFF!"
A Jupitel Thunder spell crashed into the Bard shocking some sense into his mind.
"NO! We are not going to neuter my groom ON OUR WEDDING DAY! WE ARE GOING TO SIT DOWN AND FIGURE THIS OUT LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE." Despite being a Wizard without any physical training for years, she was able to pick up the Bard with one hand as electricity sparked around her.
They quickly sat down around the campfire quenched when the tea spilled all over it. The Bard was thinking hard and the Priest was racking her brain to remember any spells that could cure something that extreme. The Merchant calmly raised his hand.
"Guys, I think I know what to do."
"But you're a merchant!" The Priest yelled as if she was being betrayed.
"Well… when I was younger I was in a thief guild for a time. I'm not proud of it, but I got to learn how to use poisons of all sorts. Including Agriope venom."
"THEN WE CAN CURE HIM!" The Wizard was filled with joy; in her mind she was already leaving the Church happily married with her completely cured, healthy groom.
"Usually if you get bitten, a green herb would cure it almost instantly. But if we give him a green herb now, all it would do is increase circulation pumping the poison throughout his entire body."
"So what do we do?" The Bard interjected.
"Well, since it's this bad, the only way to cure the poison is to get it out of his system. Now it does not look to have spread too far. Seems to have coalesced in that large purple area."
The Merchant pointed at the deep purple area.
"So we are going to suck the poison out from there."
The others stared at him.
"The Wizard should go!" The Bard yelled. "I mean she could use the practice."
"Oh fuck that, you asshole!" The Wizard jumped from her seat. "I mean I wouldn't know where to even begin! Look at it! It's like grotesque gargantuan pupa pulsating and swollen red…"
"Okay!" The Priest said and idea loudly popping into her heead. "I got it! We draw sticks! Whoever gets the shortest stick… gets to… suck his… save a life!"
The Priest pulled out four sticks from her bag. She went first pulling out a long stick. The others followed. The Merchant sighed relief as he pulled out another long stick. The Bard choked as he pulled out an extremely shortened stick.
"We'll I guess the Bard gets to go." The Priest patted his back and then leaped away into the bushes. "GO GET HIM TIGER!"
"But!" The Bard tried to complain, but the other's were no where in sight.
"You go at it! Save his life!" The Wizard yelled from the same bush as the priest.
"Okay… Okay… WHAT DO I DO!"
"Remember the large purple spot about the size of your head? Make a small incision and suck the poison out!" The Merchant voiced from behind a tree.
"Oh man!" The Bard pulled out his lucky stiletto. The stiletto certainly did not bring him good fortune today. He bent down looking at the monstrous thing.
With barely open eyes and a turned head, He cut a small incision in the skin. There was no blood. It just pulsated even more and seemed to get even bigger like it was alive. In his mind, the Song of Lutie played to calm his nerves. He sat down, closed his eyes, and did his duty.
Minutes passed.
"OH YAH! JUST LIKE THAT!" The merchant teased.
"SHUT IT!" The Bard said spitting poison onto the ground. "I can't do this if you're watching."
"Sorry!"
Minutes passed.
"Oh yeah! You go big boy!"
"PRIEST! YOU SHOULD BE DOIN THIS! SHUT IT!"
"HAHAH!" The evil laughter floated across the field.
"I SAID SHUT IT I CAN'T CONCENTRATE!"
"BARD!" The Wizard announced in their hiding spot. "THAT WASN'T US!"
"WELL THEN WHO WAS IT!"
The ground exploded as a large figure jumped onto the earth before the bard. He was like a strange hellish combination of a goat and giant man. Baphomet, stood before him the most powerful of creatures, his deadly scythe had no sheen because it was covered in dried blood.
"INSOLENT MORTALS! YOUR DEATH IS AT HAND!" His voice bellowed across the woodland. Porings bounced away in fear and lunatic bunnies hid in the darkest corner they could find.
"ARE YOU PREPARED TO FEEL MY WRATH?"
Baphomet strolled forward, at his hoofed heels his children followed confident in their father's strength.
He suddenly stopped and looked at the Bard and what he was doing. He then looked at the Knight. For about a minute, he stared.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?" Baphomet nervously walked up to the Knight and tapped the swollen member with the butt of his scythe.
He was silent for a minute. With a relaxed stance, he leaned heavily on the scythe.
"Okay… Okay… Alright, Fuck it. I'm going home. Sorry to bother you." He nodded at the Bard, turned around, and walked off still shellshocked.
"Awe! But Dad! It's killing time!" The Bapho Jrs. voiced with their pleading eyes as they journeyed to wherever hellish demons went.
"No, not today. Your daddy is gonna home, eat some dinner, and contemplate killing himself. You think you seem some shit and wham! Something kicks you in the nuts!"
The Bard shook his head and went back to work.
Hours passed and the last of the poison was drained leaving a completely normal looking willy.
The Bard sat down troubled. The others congratulated him on his successful life saving blowjob.
"Guys… If anyone finds out about this. If I hear this being told to anyone! I WILL, so help me god, SHOVE MY MANDOLIN SO FAR UP YOUR ASS ILL BE PERFORMING CONCERTS WITH YOUR GUTS!"
The Bard got up and quickly dressed into his tuxedo.
"NOW LET'S GO GET YOU TWO MARRIED!"
The party cheered.
Meanwhile…
"Welcome to the Dead Branch Corporation, teleporting the most powerful creatures to the most unwanted areas"
Baphomet was in the employees lounge at the DB corporation pouring himself a cup of coffee. He sat down on one of the comfy utilitarian sofas, mixed hard alcohol with the drink, and gulped it down.
"Tao Gunka," The intercom said in a friendly female voice. "Please report to west of Geffen. Tao Gunka, West of Geffen."
"Hey, Baphomet!"
"What is it now, Orc Hero."
Said stylishly dressed Orc Hero sat down right next to Baphomet on the couch drinking an Avian bottle of water.
"Still a bit disgruntled after that Knight incident, huh?"
"Pheeroni please report to south of Prontera. Pheeroni, South of Prontera!"
Baphomet sighed before drinking the liquor straight.
"You think," he began, "that you've seen everything. Then you see a man with a dick twice as large as your own leg. Then you being to wonder, what the fuck am I doing here?"
"Oh come now, Baphomet! They love you. You're the best damn Mvp I know. Everyone wants a piece of you!"
"DAMMIT ORC! When you see something so violently disturbing like that! You cannot even begin to understand what I saw. You know, this whole Dead Branch thing, was fun the first few times. Some novice summons you and I jump out swing scythe a few times. But damn…"
"Orc Hero please report to Niffleheim. Orc Hero, Niffleheim."
"Well Baphomet, looks like my stop. Just take like a week off. Get your shit together. You'll be yourself before you know it."
The Orc Hero patted Baphomet on the back before he disappeared spawning right in front of the sadistic asshole who summoned him.
Baphomet took a long gulp from the liquor bottle before carelessly throwing it into a wall.
Maybe it was just the drink, but he swore he heard the Church Bells in Prontera ringing and a newly married Wizard and Knight celebrating.
Ah, Holy Matrimony.