This is a continuation of my stories progressing from the time after Cyberwoman onwards as Ianto progresses from that story to when he eventually makes his offer to Jack. This one takes place shortly after Greeks Bearing Gifts.
Standard disclaimer - don't own'em and don't pretend to - I'm just playing in the TW sandbox!
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Ianto sat at the desk and stared at the empty page in front of him. He needed to write about what had happened, but he wasn't sure how to start. His diary lay opened and he had had his hand poised over the page for almost five minutes now.
He stared pensively at the photo on his wall as he thought. The photo was Lisa and himself looking happy together. They had been out with friends on a karaoke night and so had been laughing for the camera, along with a group of friends who had been there with them. He smiled, the pain a dull ache as he looked at the photo. He nodded. That was as good a place as any to start, he thought to himself.
I learned something today. And that is that one can be so lonely that you will grasp at any kind word, any smile in the hopes of finding something or someone who could help you battle that terrible loneliness that many of us have deep down inside of them.
For me, it is Lisa. There is not a day that goes by that I don't look at the photos of us together and ask that cosmic question 'why?' - Why any of it happened. Why her and not me? Why wasn't I good enough to save her? Why did it all end the way it did? And why do I still feel this emptiness inside of me that seems like I will never be happy again?
Along with why is its cousin what. What could I have done differently? Perhaps if we had called in that day like we had planned, we would still be together. I will forever feel the guilt of having said no to Lisa that morning when she wanted for us to call in and stay home. I doubt I will ever forgive myself.
Still, I can't change what happened, as much as I want to. I spend each day going through the motions. I watch the rest of the team at work and wonder about them. Gwen is the only one with a life outside, but even that hasn't helped. And the others? I've seen Owen's file - I know how he came to be here. What pain he has gone through himself. One would think that it would be a way for us to bond, but Owen barely acknowledges me at the best of times (and then usually only for my ability to make coffee or clean up after his messes in the autopsy room.) At the worst of times he is downright nasty. It is deserved, I suppose. After all, look what I did – I nearly got us all killed.
Tosh. She's so brilliant that often she's in another world. I don't know her story, other than that Jack has locked off her records. I suspect she did something to get someone angry enough in the past, and that he's protecting her. Tosh is so sweet, and so very sad and lonely. I watch her when she isn't looking, and often she just stares after Owen with such a look of longing on her face that it is heart wrenching. She could do so much better, and he barely gives her the time of day. It doesn't help that he and Gwen are shagging one another. That has to hurt Toshiko. They're not doing much in the way of hiding it. And how Gwen can live with herself when she has a boyfriend waiting for her at home, I just can't understand.
Though I'm one to speak, since I can not exactly take the moral high ground. All that I did with Jack I convinced myself I did to keep Lisa safe. But if I'm being honest to myself (and if I can't do that here, where can I?) I have to admit a certain attraction to the man. Is it hero worship? No, I don't think so. Jack has his faults, just like the rest of us. He can be hot tempered, rude, a terrible flirt and pigheaded when he has made a decision. I know what I did must have hurt him terribly. We've had a few chats over the past few months and he has said he has forgiven me because he understands why I did it. And he has made an effort to get me involved with the team, though that didn't turn out too well now, did it? Still, something has changed.
I'm beginning to understand the need that the rest of them have. That desire for the challenge. Jack has taken me out a few times on small jobs and the odd Weevil hunt. I look forward to it just being us, a Weevil and an alley. It gets the blood up in its own way. Plus, Jack is fun to watch.
But I'm getting sidetracked. What I started to write about here is how the loneliness of what we do can lead us in the odd direction. This happened to Tosh. The one she would like to share things with (Owen) is too busy shagging our co-worker to even know that she exists. So is it any wonder that she found herself drawn to someone outside who seemed to be the perfect person to talk to?
Tosh told me the story of how she and Mary met. She's rather ashamed about the whole thing - that she wanted something so badly that she let herself be taken advantage of in such a fashion. When I think back to the last few days, she seemed rather happy. It's a shame that she was being used by an alien who only wanted to get inside the Hub. Tosh - the master of cryptology and security and she was done in by someone slipping through her heart.
It's all rather sad. I feel for her so much, and in some ways blame this situation on our work that we can't share with anyone else. I know Jack blames himself as well. He usually does. He should have seen this coming. One thing in his favor was that he does know her well enough to know that something was up. Or it could have been so much worse.
I find myself thinking a lot about Jack these days. Is that so wrong, after all that has happened? He shoulders the bulk of the responsibility for what happens, and I can see it bothers him to have to make the decisions he does. But often they're the only choices he can make. The others think he is this invincible force, but for all that he is and does, he is just one man. There's something so lonely about him. It makes me want to help him if I can. So far, that only amounts to being there with a smile and a cup of coffee. Perhaps in time it will be something more. If he wants to trust me again. If he can trust after what happened.
And that's it in the end. We are alone with our own pain. But being able to share it helps. It allows us to not be alone and isolated. That night I stayed behind with Jack after everyone had left – he was in so much pain, and no one else saw it. I couldn't walk away from that. Just as he couldn't walk away after what happened up in the mountains.
As I look at that photo on the wall, it seems as if it is a photo of someone else. Some happy soul who was in love and who had no worries in the world. From this end, that person seems to be so far away from where I am today. For all that I wish otherwise, I can never get that happiness back.
Best to set it aside. It's time to move on; because looking back isn't doing any good, and I know that it isn't what Lisa would have wanted. She'd want me to live, and to be happy. I don't think I will ever be happy again, but until I leave the past where it belongs, I will never find out, will I?
Ianto closed his diary without looking at what he had written. While that constant pain he felt inside hadn't really lessened, he was able to push it to the side. He stared across the room, not really focusing on anything in particular. Finally, he glanced around the silent room, his gaze stopping at the photo on the wall.
He stood up, his hands absently caressing the leather cover of his diary. More than time to move on, he thought again. He walked across the room and took the framed photograph off the wall. With one last glance he put the photo in the closet, along with several other photos that were scattered around the apartment. It did look awfully bare, but he felt like he had passed a milestone of some kind. It wasn't to say that he would never put those pictures out again at some point, but not now.
He wandered about his living room, picking up possessions and laying them back down again. An old familiar book on the shelf caught his attention. It was a book of Welsh proverbs his Nan had given him ages ago. Ianto smiled and took the book back to his sofa where he sat down. He opened the book, smiling at the inscription she had written, he gently turned the pages. The paper was old and he didn't want to damage it. He paused on one page and read one of the lines. It read Adfyd a phall a wnant ddyn yn gall, which he easily translated as Adversity and loss make a man wise. Ianto thought about that for a moment. It was rather apropos to what he had been writing in his diary. Maybe he should make up some new posters for his walls with these quotes. He nodded to himself.
He turned the pages, looking for another gem that he could use. His finger stopped at the bottom of a page. It was one of his Nan's favorites. He had never understood it when he was a child, but this time seeing the words made him pause thoughtfully. He read the proverb again. Hawdd cyneu tan yn hen aelwyd - It is easy to kindle fire on an old hearth.
Ianto got up and went over to his desk. Pulling out a blank piece of paper, he copied the quotes down. He'd see about printing them out at work and getting them framed. It would go well with his new focus for the future. A look at both the past and the future yet to come, whatever it might hold. With a glance at his watch he saw that it was later than he had thought. Time for bed. Tomorrow was a new day, and if he were lucky, there would be no alerts from Jack overnight, letting them all sleep. If not the sleep of the just, at least the sleep of the exhausted. He chuckled to himself as he turned off the light and made his way to bed…