Feel No More (Feel No Less)

by Holly The Sparkling Unicorn

With his mother's constant expectations and his father's inability to make anything change, Sirius Black has to take matters in his own hands. Mentions Suicide.

Feel No More (Feel No Less)

At first, I thought I might like the silence
No mother yelling at me
No father pretending to agree
Just nothing
But then everything went silent.

I was hanging from the ceiling fan
The gold and scarlet scarf around my neck
I couldn't breathe
I couldn't hear
All the things around me were silent

I vaguely remember my little brother coming into my room
I think he screamed and ran to get dad
Dad was concerned, I know he was
After all, it isn't normal for an eleven-year-old boy
to try and make everything go silent.

But still, I was hanging there on my suicidal attempt
I was taken down, my peace ephemeral
They brought me to St. Mungo's
I remember that, almost
I think I was slipping in and out of silence.

"I thought I'd hit rock bottom, but apparently rock bottom has a basement
I remember waking up to my father telling my mother to relax
Mother, her temper ablaze just yelled louder, my ears were ringing
I cursed by little brother for the rescue
And I went back to the silence

The next real memory I had was when my mother got mad at me (yet again)
She was furious, fueled with anger, wild and uncontrollable
I was lying in a lime green hospital bed when she began to shout
"MY SON WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING TO DAMAGE THE BLACK FAMILY'S NAME!"
because all she cared about was that name, not my current state of silence.

She didn't care that I was in a hospital bed
Or that I was hooked up to oxygen
She didn't care that I was a vivid aquamarine color - that I could have died
She only cares that I'm an heir
Almost like the name is one to be put on a throne before the silent.

My father though
He's different
He was asking me how I was
A lot
It was annoying but at least he cared about my current state of silent.

Thanks to him I changed and didn't like the silence after that night
It scared me... I felt so guilty
That night I would just listen to my brother sleeping in the hospital bed next to me
His chest going up and down as he slept, I felt happy that he refused to go home
But then he would scream, making me regret all the silence

I was giving my little brother nightmares
He was only eight years old
He was too young to understand
Too young to know the burden of being a Black
Too young to know the burden of that silence.

I was also young to actually understand
However, I knew that if I went against anything that Mother wanted
You would be made to do terrible things
Like spending a night without food and water
Increasing the possible benefits and beauty of silence.

My brother was the good child
He didn't do anything to make mother upset
He did everything she said without question
But how could she always be right?
Was she another form of silence?

How could she be able to tell me muggles are scum
When she, herself, has never even talked to one?
I liked the people down the street, all of our neighbors were nice
Certainly, if she hated them so much we wouldn't be living in a big city?
The house completely surrounded by mother's version of silence.

I didn't understand life
I didn't understand my mother's rules
I didn't understand how my father would just listen to her
He wouldn't go against her either, why was everyone afraid of her?
Why was I, at eleven-years-old, the only one that would go against my mother's silence?

I was the only one who asked questions
I needed to know the answers
So I stayed in the hospital
Mother was furious
But the doctors recommended I stay after my silent attempt.

The inferno in mother's eyes was maddening
They were large, just like a real fire
Flames growing from the kindle
Ready to burn
Ready to make you silenced.

72-hour inspection they called it
I wonder what would have happened if I hung from the swings
The swings from the muggle park across from the house
The park that we were forbidden to go into
Because if we associated with the Muggle children we wouldn't be silently perfect

I can't imagine what mother would have said
If I would have been out in the open like that
Cameras in her face, reporters trying to understand
Somehow I think she would deny knowing me
She wouldn't have bothered to come out of the silence

Sirius, of course, is an abomination! I could hear her say,
No idea where he went, or if he is dead or alive
That's when she would fake the tears
Because really she didn't care
She wouldn't mind if I was resting completely in silence

My therapist soon learned that
Oh wait, not a therapist, after all, that's a Muggle term
The Black's couldn't use anything that a Muggle would use
That wouldn't please mother at all
It wouldn't be her perfect amount of silence

She was livid
A spark goes off in her head
"What will we tell everyone?
Tonight is the annual Ball!"
Causing the room to go completely silent once again.

It was funny, I thought, my 'healer' was looking at her strangely
I could easily tell that he was surprised
Like he wasn't believing her luxurious words from before
It took long enough for him to see
"Your son just attempted to silence himself and you're worried about what to tell people?"

I decided then that I quite liked my therapist
Mother didn't like that question one bit
She just nodded, I think she was speechless
No one told Walburga Black what to do or say
No one contradicted her or tried to silence her, except me, of course

Mother left after that in a huff
Father kissed the top of my head
"Be strong, little one," he would encourage.
I didn't get why he could only be loving when my mother wasn't around
It shows weakness in your mother's eyes I silently thought back to what my father told me once.

But if that was true, then why was he still with her?
She was nothing but mean to him
Not to mention to me
It's like the only one she liked was my brother, she didn't even like her siblings
Or anyone else in our family that only produce love for silence.

After a while, I'm let out
"You shamed our family!"
My mother would say once we are home
"You will clean the house top to bottom!"
After all this time, I know not to go against my mother, I just go and clean, in complete silence

It was then that I had an idea
Mother was the reason for my silent attempt
I loved my father and brother dearly
Without her, we could be free
We could be without her deadly silence

While cleaning I find an object
Hypocritical at best
I recognized it as something my mother banned
A gun, perhaps?
Maybe this could help aid in my silent mission

My father is naive
For having hope in this insanity
There is no redemption
For the viciously evil.
The only thing to do is silence her.

It took me a week to get my plans straight
I would go to the dinner table before everyone was seated
I could not scar my little brother again
I could not have my father stopping me
I needed my mother silent

I was quick on my feet that night
The metallic object hidden beneath my clothes
"What do you want, Sirius?"
I shakenly pointed the gun and…
Bang. Silence.

---

Word Count: 1291

Assignment 11: Task #7: Write about someone with an intense dislike or hatred of Muggles

Character Appreciation; Regulus Black

Disney Challenge; Guilt - Write about someone feeling guilty

Amber's Attic: Klusterfuck: Write about someone raised by parents with conflicting beliefs.

Count Your Buttons; Scarf, "[character] of course is an abomination.", encouragement

Lyric Alley; Of having hope in this insanity

Ami's Audio Admirations; No Such Thing As The Number Six — Write about someone not believing in something real.

Sophie's Shelf; Write a poem

Em's Emporium; Theodore Tonks/Andromeda Tonks: write about someone unlearning toxic ideology.

Lo's Lowdown; write about someone doing a terrible thing for what they think are the right reasons

Yearly Challenge; Resolutions; Write a Poem, Write a marauder fic, Pick a character that dies and give them a happy ending instead, Write a "what if?" (What if Sirius didn't exist?)

Days of The Week; August 11, 2018 - Son and Daughter Day: Write a kid!fic

Birthstones: Alexandrite - (dialogue) "I thought I'd hit rock bottom, but apparently rock bottom has a basement."

Summer prompts; Relax

Flower prompts; Cosmos - (title) Feel No More (Feel No Less)

Fire Prompts; Blaze

Musical Challenge; write about someone going to a psychiatrist

Gryffindor Prompts; Sirius Black, impulsive, Gryffindor scarf

Star Chart; Rescue

World Cup; Sirius Black

Gobstones; Darkness, Lime green, pessimist, ringing

Yearly Insane House Prompts; 389. Ephemeral

Yearly 365 Prompts; Era - Marauder

Who's Your Daddy?; (character) Orion Black

Fire Faerie: Flame, Burn, Fire, Kindle, Ablaze, Inferno, Anger, Fuel, Wild, Uncontrollable

Film Festival; Setting - Hospital

Hot Air Balloon; aquamarine

Eagle Month; Gilderoy Lockhart: (location) St. Mungo's (bonus); (word) infamous