Author's Notes:

So what happens when you put two authors who can't plan fics for their life but love LWA and Fate together in one chat? This insanity.

This is crack. Please enjoy with a grain of salt LOL.

When you put a tomato and a wannabe knight together… you get madness XD (:D)

Honestly, this is only rated T for Mordred's potty mouth. And it's not even that much.

This is not beta'd or checked for errors. Tomato finished this at midnight while it is… three in the friggin morning for Bandit go the fuck to bed gdi.

Holy Witch War (the one that never happened)

"So… what I get is… we're chosen to be 'masters' in this super secret war between witches where we have to kill each other for a cup? And we fight by summoning these spirits that are our 'servants.'" Akko scratches her head and flings around the sheet of paper in her other hand. "That sounds… like some weird roleplay thing."

Well, when Akko puts it that way.

Diana sighs. "The Holy Grail War is a traditional battle between mages for the Holy Grail, an omnipotent wish-granting device designed by three mages of old. The Masters summon Heroic Spirits from the Throne of Heroes as their weapons to fight in this war. This summoning is the highest level any spellcaster can perform. It is nothing short from performing miracles."

"It still sounds like a roleplay thing." But Akko doesn't protest further and takes her place in the center of one of the three summoning circles.

"Is this… ethical?" Lotte asks to the side. "It sounds like a dangerous war."

"Our teams basically won a weird lottery and suddenly Diana, Amanda, and Akko got weird bruises on their hands," Sucy says. "But hey, we have permission from the professors. Can't be that bad."

Amanda ignores the side-discussion, "So what you're telling me is we get to have an awesome battle and meet cool historic dudes? Sounds great!" she punches at the air, bouncing in place near her assigned circle.

"That is… essentially what we are doing, yes." Diana doesn't know if she has any more air to sigh. If she keeps this up, her soul will leave her body before Heart of Steel finishes. So she takes her place in one of the other summoning circles as well.

"We have to say it all at once, right?" Amanda brandishes the paper with the summoning chant.

"It is not necessary. Though I suppose it adds to the dramatic effect," Diana says.

"Why is this so long?" Akko groans. "I guess having the paper helps."

Chariot coughs at the front of the room. "Well, let's not keep your Servants waiting! When you three are ready, you can begin."

The girls take a deep breath and begin simultaneously,

"Let silver and steel be the essence.

Let stone and the archduke of contracts be the foundation

Let *all shout their team color*, the colour I pay tribute to

Let rise a wall against the wind that shall fall

Let the four cardinal gates close.

Let the three-forked road from the crown reaching unto the Kingdom rotate.

I hereby declare.

Your body shall serve under me.

My fate shall be your sword.

Submit to the beckoning of the Holy Grail

If you will submit to this will and this reason…Then answer!

An oath shall be sworn here!

I shall attain all virtues of all of Heaven.

I shall have dominion over all evils of all of Hell!

From the Seventh Heaven, attended to by three greet words of power,

Come forth from the ring of restraints,

Protector of the Holy Balance!"

A great wind picks up, full of sparks of magical energy, causing the hairs on the back of everyone's neck to rise. Within three maelstroms, the magic begins to coalesce. It takes shape, and finally the wind retreats. Instead of circles of quicksilver, now there are three shapes, one kneeling before each girl.

The figure kneeling in front of Akko lifts her head and stands so that everyone can see the face beneath the white witch hat. The ornate staff in her hand strikes against the ground.

"I am Servant Rider. May I ask, are you my Master?"

The voice is familiar. The face is familiar. The clothes are weird - a combination of a witch's uniform and traditional riding clothes - but everyone's mouths drop open at this familiar person.

"Wh-WHY ARE THERE TWO DIANAS?!" Akko screams.

Actually, Akko's not the only one who says that.

Lotte turns to Professor Chariot. "Is… is this right?"

Chariot doesn't know what to say. "How should I know?! I haven't watched any of the Fate series!"

Rider frowns. Her eyes first appraise her Master, then the other witches in the room. Everyone except the two figures in the other two summoning circles are familiar.

(This is not good.)

Rider sighs. "I see. Even in death, I cannot escape from you girls."

Diana cannot take her eyes off of this woman who looks like a mixture of herself and her deceased mother.

"Who… who are you?"

Rider looks unimpressed. "I am not going to say something as cliche as 'I am your mother' or something along those lines. You should be smart enough to deduce the obvious answer."

Oh, Diana knows who this person is. As if the obnoxious hair-flipping isn't familiar enough. She just never would have thought she would have the ability to throw so much sarcasm in one sitting.

The other shapes, Servants, seem to ignore what's going on around them. They stand up at the same time and begin to speak.

"I am Servant Saber!" Eerily, they pause at the same time before continuing, "and I ask of you, are you my Master?"

The one in front of Amanda has a dangerous edge to the question, like an unworthy person would be killed for their amusement. "I'm your Master, that is, if you're up to snuff!"

No one ever said Amanda had a sense of self-preservation.

The figure loomed, somehow taller and more opposing as a strange metal noise starts. The horned helm of the impressive knight cracks open to reveal… a broadly smirking girl?

"I am the one true heir to Camelot, to the seat of Arthur Pendragon's power. I am Sir Mordred, the knight of treachery!" A sword appears and they plant it in the ground in front of them, rocking forward excitedly, "Is that 'up to snuff'?"

Amanda smiles, "Ah sweet, you're a chick! A-" she breaks off for the very important task of trying not to be beheaded.

Everyone else turns away from staring at Diana and Rider to drop their jaws in Amanda's direction.

"Is that supposed to happen?!" Lotte cries.

"I don't know stop asking me!" Chariot cries back.

"Well, I guess Amanda really got the right Servant for her," Sucy comments. "Just as hotheaded as her, apparently."

The Servant springs into motion as soon as the word 'chick' finishes. "If you imply I'm a woman again, I will not hold back my anger. Do you understand?" The sword hovers less than an inch away from Amanda's neck and the once-pleasant face is twisted in rage.

Amanda swallows. (I shouldn't have been so thoughtless.) "Y-yes."

Mordred nods and the sword vanishes.

Akko points at Mordred. "Uh, so if you're not a girl, are you a guy?"

An intense gaze swivels to pin Akko, "I'm a Knight, son of King Arthur, what do you think?"

Akko gulps. "Okay, gotcha." She looks up at Rider. "Um, why'd you step in front of me?"

Rider glares at Mordred but lowers her staff. "You are my Master. Although it appears I will be cooperating with these other Servants, in the end you are my priority."

Akko blushes. "Um, that's really nice of you?"

Rider raises an eyebrow. "Have I done anything to prove otherwise?" She directs a glare at her other counterpart.

Diana glares back. But before she can retort, her own Servant stands and takes her place in front of her Master.

"Likewise, I will not stand by as my Master is threatened," the other Saber quips. "Even if we are allies, Rider."

Mordred turns to look inquisitively at the other Saber.

Diana blinks at the Servant in front of her. The designated effect of the Servant protecting the Master is kind of mitigated due to the height difference. Unlike Rider and Akko, where the former is almost half a head taller than the latter (how the hell did Diana grow so much?! LOL), Diana's Servant is even shorter than Akko.

Her armor and dress assemble are breathtaking though.

"Servant Saber, am I correct?" Diana asks.

"Yes, Master. You may call me Saber," Saber bows shallowly. This servant has no helm, like Rider. She fully turns to look around the room to survey the other occupants.

When Saber and Mordred make eye-contact, Mordred springs into motion once more; this time with a scream on his lips.

"ARTHURR."

The sword is back in hand, a powerful overhead swing aimed at Saber.

"What now?!" Lotte and Chariot bemoan at the same time.

Sucy giggles. "I don't know, but this is way more amusing than I thought it'd be."

"How is the stupidity of two authors amusing?!" Lotte stops herself. "Oh, wait no you're right. Of course authors would do something like this!"

Saber brings her hand up, but in the completely wrong place to block the blow. All but two are surprised when Mordred's blade halts with a clang of metal. Mordred growls and what must be two swords clash again.

Diana's eyes widen. "An invisible sword?" She shakes her head. "No, my obsession with swords is unimportant here. Amanda! Stop your Servant!"

Amanda finally responds, "Hey, stop! Mordred! What're you even doing?!"

Mordred doesn't respond, but also doesn't continue attacking. After a pause he shoves his sword against Saber's angrily, pushing her back slightly. Bitterly, he bites out, "Ask my Father."

"Your what?!" Everyone screams.

"You're a guy too?!" Akko points and shouts. "Wait, you're King Arthur?!"

Rider frowns. "I suppose history has its inaccuracies."

"Wow, Diana summoned a female King Arthur. Why am I not surprised?" Sucy drawls.

Diana's eyes remain on her Servant. "You are… Arthur Pendragon? The King of Britain?"

Mordred stalks back to Amanda.

A sword appears in Saber's hand, resplendent in its shine. "I…" Saber pauses for a moment, "I was King Arthur, yes." A glare at Mordred, "King of Knights, wielder of Excalibur, owner of its sheath, Avalon, Arth- Arturia Pendragon, heir to Uther Pendragon. Rightful King of Britain, chosen by the sword Caliburn." She makes a sweeping gesture with the sword and then it disappears again.

"And my Father, though he'd never say it," Mordred spits.

Of all things to say, Akko chooses to say, "So… King Arthur is a girl… but her son is a guy."

"That is to my understanding as well," Rider says.

Amanda speaks up, "Well, I got the coolest Servant so you can all go home."

"What did you say?!" Akko stomps up to Amanda and sticks her face into the American witch's. "I have Diana. How can anyone be cooler than her?!"

"Akko, your gay is showing," Sucy says.

"Mine's all broody and has the best armor though," Amanda points out, "He's got a helmet that can," Amanda mimics the way the helmet opened earlier with sound effects.

"Oh yeah? Servant!Diana has those tight pants that show off her curves!"

"AKKO, YOUR GAY IS SHOWING!" Lotte and Chariot shout.

Rider looks down. "Are my trousers truly that tight?"

Diana appraises her counterpart. "A bit. Where in the world did you get this outfit?"

Rider frowns. "I designed it myself. Is there a problem?"

"Quite a few." Diana sighs. "I am truly disappointed that I would ever choose such clothes to wear in public."

"The public's opinion does not matter to me considering they burned me to death."

Okay, before this takes a turn for more angst ~sasuga Tomato~, let's switch to the others.

Mordred shouts at Arturia again, "Still you refuse to acknowledge me?!"

"Your actions so far prove that I was not incorrect in my initial decision regarding you. I do not blame you for your circumstance of birth, but your own actions, certainly," Arturia dismisses him.

Amanda places a hand on Mordred's arm, voice soft, "I don't think talking to her is going to make a difference. Please don't start attacking again though."

Mordred scoffs, shakes off Amanda's hand, and turns from his father, helm reforming. ~He's totally not crying it's okay.~

Akko does her best to ignore the two blondes next to her. "Yikes. Someone needs a good parent teacher conference meeting."

"I am not mediating this," Chariot protests.

"I believe you would need to find Merlin for this," Diana says.

An angry growl comes from Mordred again, "MERLIN IS A WORTHLESS BASTARD," but he makes no other moves.

Arturia sighs and turns to Diana, "To what end were we summoned? This situation does not appear to be traditional."

"Our goal is to obtain the Holy Grail before the other four Masters. Akko, Amanda, and I have allied together to increase our chances for victory," Diana replies. "Though I do not know why two Servants of the Saber class were summoned."

Akko shrugs. "Maybe the gacha messed up and spat out the wrong Servant."

Rider raises an eyebrow. "An alliance, you say?"

(Do they assume… Ah, so that is it. They have no idea that we are on separate teams. I suppose it is more amusing this way.)

Mordred snipes, "Guess you're going to have to acknowledge me some, Father, if we're to be working together. And I will crush you after our team is victorious."

"Wait, after we have the grail why would you not disappear?" Amanda asks.

Mordred turns, "After we," he motions from Amanda to himself, "get the grail and each make our wish, then yes."

"No, it's we," Amanda motions to herself, Mordred, Diana, Saber, other!Diana, and Akko, "Win the grail. Our team."

Mordred nods slowly, as if to a very small child or dumb person, "Our team," he repeats Amanda's motions, pointing at Arturia in particular with his middle finger, "works together and beats the other team, but then each Servant-Master pair fights to claim their wishes." He stops nodding and watches Amanda for comprehension.

Amanda looks to Chariot for guidance, because this setup is sounding less like a fun time and more like certain death for two thirds of the group.

"I… honestly have no idea how any of this works," Chariot groans.

"Well, it is not necessary to kill the Masters," Rider explains. "It is frequently a battle tactic simply to rid the possibility of the Master forming a contract with another Servant after their original is killed."

"So… just to take the Masters out of the game, right?" Akko asks.

Rider nods. "The other reason is to cut off the Servant's magic supply. The Masters serve to provide the necessary magical energy to keep our forms in the material world. If we do not have energy magic energy to supply us, we will simply fade and return to the Throne of Heroes."

Diana hums. "Not to mention Masters are only humans, whereas Servants are powerful familiars. They are easier targets compared to Servants."

Akko nods. "Oh. Okay, I can see why you guys would target the Masters."

Amanda nods at Mordred, "Thank you, I think we understand now."

"BREAK!" Hannah and Barbara suddenly call out.

Constanze has the robot that provides stage lighting lower her and Jasminka to the ground. She gives everyone a thumbs up as Jasminka ushers all of the witches to the refreshment table for a quick break.

No one really understands why Arturia is eating more than half the food on the table so fast. It's not like anyone can compete with a Servant?! How can such a small body fit so much food?!

Mordred and Rider linger behind.

"So… our Masters have no idea, do they?" Mordred asks.

Rider sighs. It is so reminiscent of a certain ace of Luna Nova. Not that Mordred would know.

"No, they have no idea that they are actually on three separate teams."

"How'd those idiots mess up that bad?"

"Most likely a mistake in the summoning. Even a single word can have such a profound effect."

Mordred grimaces. "You're one of those magic users, aren't you?"

Rider raises an eyebrow. She does not like the disdain this knight is showing her. "And what of it?"

Mordred scoffs, but it isn't aimed at Rider. "Hey! That's my food!"

Mordred leaps toward the table and engages in a war against Arturia for who can eat more food. It leaves none of the witches anything to eat. But it's far more amusing to watch father and son have an eating contest than sating their own hunger.

Rider frowns. "Why does it feel like I am dealing with another Amanda…?"

Author's Notes:

Honestly, this all started after we both saw Ticcy's commission for ZhaneX_C (the one with Saber!Diana and Rin!Akko). And then we started talking about how hilarious it'd be if Arturia and Mordred were summoned on the same team and have to cooperate. And then I mentioned how I would love a Servant!Diana. And well… now we're here.

The colors portion of the summoning chant totally don't mean anything important. Nope, not at all… lol…

Fun Fact:

Diana, Akko, and Rider!Diana's parts are written by Tomato while Amanda, Mordred, and Arturia's parts are written by Peanut-Butter-Bandit (aka idunscrewedup).