A/N: I do not own Harry Potter.
This has been rigorously edited and beta-read now, all else is the same :)
Sex Education
Severus may teach Defence Against the Dark Arts. However, tonight he was locked away in the labs of Hogwarts working on his latest Potion, The Wolfsbane Potion. He and Lily had accepted the teaching positions at Hogwarts one condition, they would be able to use Hogwarts resources and specialised labs to further their own potions research. Severus had been working on the Wolfsbane Potion for quite a while already. Currently, it helped the werewolf keep their mind while transformed, however, one day he hoped it would be a cure. He had to finalise his work for the night and do his evening rounds before he could go home. It was only a year ago that Lily took a step back from their research after their son Harry was born, she is now focused on raising their child and teaching Potions. Severus, however, was making a name for himself as one of the foremost Potions Researchers in years. He carefully packed away, noticing the time, and went to complete his final rounds before heading home; home to the family he never thought he would be lucky enough to have, the wife Severus had never thought would look at him as anything more than her best friend and their beautiful firstborn son whom he adored. He walked out of the lab and towards his classroom, which used to be a Potions classroom, but Severus changed it, so he could remain closer to the lab, closer to Lily, where she taught Potions and closer to the office that they shared. Not to mention closer to the Slytherin Dorms. He walked out of the office and through to the classroom, as he entered the room, the view that he was met with left him shocked and unable to speak for more than a moment. There on HIS desk were two students, engaged in ... extracurricular activities.
"Get. Off. My. Desk." He finally spoke, his voice low and dangerous.
Severus shielded his eyes as the male student looked up, immediately turning a very bright shade of Gryffindor red, yanking up his trousers as quickly as he could manage, fumbling with his zip and belt. The female pulled her skirt back down and pulled her robes around herself, her eyes for some reason never left the stern Professor's face.
"I'm- I'm so so sorry P-P-Professor Snape," she stumbled over the words, grabbing her bag as she made a run for it.
"Stop!" He called out, his voice barely above a whisper, yet she didn't dare move away from the desk she had previously been sat on. He, the boy, swallowed hard.
"Professor?" He questioned.
He cocked an eyebrow at the boy before him.
"Mr. Bulstrode, you might want to tuck that thing away!"
"Yes Sir, sorry Sir!" He turned his back, fumbling yet again, before turning to face the single most frightening teacher at Hogwarts, and that included Professor McGonagall, which was saying something.
"I believe there are a few things we need to cover, firstly, my desk? Really?" His face was a mixture of disgusted, horrified, and disturbed.
"Sorry, Sir." She squeaked.
"Indeed", he sighed, a hand over his face in the sheer anguish of the conversation he was having. "Have you used any form of protection ... against pregnancy? Against ... disease?" The girl looked at him confused, he elaborated. "Miss Corner, do you really know where he has been?"
"Erm, no Professor!"
"No, you don't know where he's been, or no to protection?"
"Both Sir." Her face flushed.
"Fantastic! Just so you know, I have caught him with many, many partners. Mr. Bulstrode?" He glared at the boy, he couldn't help but blame Bulstrode more than Corner, she at least had the decency to look ashamed as well as petrified.
"No, Professor." His voice came out in a squeak, Severus rolled his eyes.
"You will both need to visit Madam Pomfrey tomorrow and get checked over," he stood up taller, desperately trying to appear grown up and unembarrassed by the situation, in actuality, he was mortified and wished they'd been 'done and dusted' before he'd found them. Ah, ignorance would have been bliss. "Miss Corner depending how far you got in tonights... activities, and no, I do not want to know, you may need to get checked over again at a later date to see if you have any more ... permanent consequences!" He was pleased to see that the shade of her face went from beetroot red to a sickly green colour.
"Yes, Sir." She replied panic-stricken, Mr. Bulstrode not so much.
"Just so you know Mr. Bulstrode, that would be your consequence as well. If you're not willing to 'do the time,' then you do not commit the crime."
"Yes, Sir." Now he was panic-stricken too, perfect.
"For your information, the time on that particular consequence is around seventeen years! Miss Corner, trust me, you can so, so much better." He looked down his nose at the thoroughly ashamed, sixth-year Ravenclaw. "Please don't let me find either of you in this ... position again." His stern gaze moved over to Mr. Bulstrode, who looked petrified; exactly how Severus liked his exchanges with students to end. "Or any other position I might add." He couldn't help but finish on that note. He watched as their mortification reached new heights.
They both stood in front of him; she had her arms wrapped around her body to keep her robes covering as much as she was able, thankfully the school robes were voluminous and covered everything. He seemed quite alright with Professor Snape seeing him, sans shirt, but had his hands placed on the front of his pants, probably in case of any further remarks about tucking 'it' in, one wondered if 'it' was having a hard time staying concealed. Neither one dared to move, they stood there with identical looks of complete humiliation and fear.
"Go!" He exclaimed wishing the moment would end.
As if his sharp words broke some sort of enchantment over them, they both immediately scarpered off, still in their various states of undress. Severus couldn't help but think of the paperwork he would have to fill out, and the letters he would need to write to their parents. He thought maybe he could palm the letter to Miss Corner's parents on to Professor Flitwick, she was in his house after all, but then he knew it would never happen. No one wanted to write that letter, and Filius had the perfect excuse; Severus was the one that happened upon their precious daughter being defiled by one of his Slytherins! And this is before his rounds even began.
It was much later in the evening when he finally walked out the floo to his family. He had a pile of forms to fill out, and a whole host of painful memories to erase. Needless to say, Mr. Bulstrode and Miss Corner were not the only students partaking in extracurricular activities this evening. He wondered what it was about students once they reached the sixth year, they couldn't show restraint, and they couldn't use their brains enough to hide their activities. He thought back to his own school days; he and Lily had been much the same, but Professor Slughorn never found out how they used his desk, why? Because Severus and Lily were smart. For Merlin's sake, why couldn't they just think? And the sheer record of students not protecting themselves from anything, not even using muggle protection. The only reason Severus and Lily waited until they were at Hogwarts was due to the cast iron protection they would have access to in the form of potions and charms, designed explicitly for that purpose.
"You look exhausted."
His rather beautiful wife walked into the room, and he noticed she was already in her nightwear; her hair wet and held up after her shower, the scent of lavender surrounding her as she sauntered over to embrace her late returning husband.
"Please don't" he shied away.
"What's wrong?"
"I feel dirty, you don't know what I've seen," he shivered. "Hogwarts has gone wild, it's filled to the brim with horny sixth and seventh years, and I need mind soap."
"It was the same when we were at Hogwarts," she giggled, "maybe you don't remember."
"I remember just fine, but Slughorn didn't catch us. And that's just how my rounds began, the paperwork and the letters to parents that I have to write; let's just say, I won't be 'getting any,' instead, I will be recording all the 'action' that our dear students have been getting! Literally in hidden corridors. None of them had the sense to use a silencing charm or even lock doors. Why couldn't they use the Room of bloody Requirement? I mean really, are they trying to traumatise the staff?"
"Who did you find?" she asked, smiling.
"Miss Corner and Mr. Bulstrode?!" He smirked.
"No way!" She giggled.
"And that was just the two on my desk, speaking of which, I need a new desk!" His hands rubbed his temples as he closed his eyes, shaking his head as if throwing the images from his mind. "Then there were the Gryffindors behind the tapestry on the third floor, not that they were doing anything that could start a nine-month gestation, but disturbing all the same. I really liked that desk, so many fond memories."
"We only did it there once!" She laughed.
"Yes, but after that, anything that happened in the presence of that desk took on a whole new meaning, marking essays was so much more ...exhilarating!"
"I think I know how I can get rid of those nasty images," she smiled, playing with the ties on her silk dressing gown.
"Well if that's what we are doing instead of mind soap, we need to do it behind the tapestry on the third floor too."
"We could do that," she smiled.
"It's a shame I have to remember what happened to fill out the bloody paperwork," his fingers pulled the ties on her robe, tugging her closer, he glanced at her nightgown within, rather despondently his chin hit his chest. "I really like that one," he whispered.
"I know," she smiled kissing him gently, his hands gathered up the robes pulling her closer.
"I could really use some different images," he coaxed, his lips gently kissing her face. "As soon as this paperwork is done of course," his voice was soft and enticing all at the same time.
"Sounds like you need to get to work," she smiled. "I'll be in bed ... waiting," she winked.
"You're not going to help?" His head raised looking at her questioningly.
"Nope," she smiled.
"We took vows to stand by each other, no matter what."
"Maybe if it was just a bit of pranking, but I'm not helping you tell parents that their daughters have been defiled." She leant forward, kissing him gently on the end of his hooked nose.
"What happened to 'for better or worse,'" his hands went to her waist, coaxing her closer, his eyes begging her to stay.
"I don't think they were thinking about paperwork on horny teenagers when they added that to the vows," she laughed, capturing his lips in a lingering kiss, before turning away. Her hands lingered on his long fingers, which still clung to her hips.
"You're a cruel woman, Lily."
"I'll be waiting," she called behind her.
It was at that moment that he regretfully sat at their kitchen table, a pile of parchment in front of him. He watched as his delectable wife's hips swayed through their bedroom door; the bedroom he was not able to join her in for some time; knowing his luck, she would be fast asleep by the time he was done.
It was a week later, at the end of the staff meeting, that Severus felt compelled to bring up the mortifying rounds. They had covered almost everything else. He had sat through a discussion on rota's, on rounds, the upcoming Hogsmeade weekend, extra sessions for N.E.W.T and O.W.L classes. Each department had bartered for additional funds for various equipment, and now it was 'any other business'. Severus really didn't want to bring up anything else, but he reminded himself that he also didn't want to walk in on any more students.
"Is there any other business we need to attend to?" Albus asked cheerily.
"Yes," he answered wearily.
"Are you sure Severus?" Albus smiled, "you don't look like you particularly want to share."
"If I'm perfectly frank, I don't want to bring it up, but I feel - compelled," he paused, "I had a rather disturbing experience during my rounds the other night. A few rather disturbing experiences actually, and not for the first time and probably not for the last. I want to know what on earth this establishment does to teach students how they are supposed to protect themselves, from disease and teenage pregnancy, when they engage in sexual activities on my desk?"
His comments were met by a round of sniggers from the professors. His lips thinned as he glared at his colleagues. Professor Quirrell, in particular, found the situation reasonably amusing.
"Officially, there is nothing in our curriculum regarding sexual education Severus, the Ministry finds that as with other skills-"
"Skill... it's not their skills I'm concerned about, in fact, they seem to have the technique down!" He interrupted, more giggles followed.
"Such as reading, writing, mathematics ..." Albus continued as though Severus hadn't interrupted him, or the rest of his staff weren't incapacitated, laughing. "... It is to be taken care of by parents, outside of Hogwarts." He replied matter of factly, and yet he had an amused smile on his face.
"I think that position needs rethinking!" He stated, "students have, for far too long, been going at it when they want, where they want, with no thought of protection or the poor individual that happens upon them mid-coitus!"
"Severus, I take it a comment about positions and your desk would not be welcome?" Professor Quirrell put in with amusement.
"No, it would not." He replied, his voice growing colder by the moment.
"Severus, how can you possibly know, this is only yours and Lily's second year teaching."
"And shortly before that, I was a student for seven years. I think I know a little more than you what horny teenage boys get up to. Apparently, there is a bit of a fetish with Hogwarts boys and 'doing it' on their Head of Houses desk!"
"Just because you found one student on your desk, Severus..." Minerva trailed off.
"Would you like to know why Lily insisted on a new desk when she took over as Head of Gryffindor?" He eyed her with a smirk.
"You didn't?" Minerva asked eyes wide.
"Nope, but Sirius Black did!" He smirked at her rather disgusted face, "more than once, with most of the girls on the Gryffindor Quidditch team I believe."
"That's only two students..." Minerva added helplessly, though it was clear Severus' words had hit a nerve.
"You never wondered why I was so keen to keep Slughorn's desk?" He sniggered a little that time; there was a rare air of arrogance and pride about him as he spoke.
"Severus!" Lily exclaimed and promptly, albeit rather light-handedly, backhanded him in the gut.
"I am just making a point, I can't help it if students were smarter in our day." He glanced over at Albus, "something needs to be done, I am sick of discussing appropriate protection with students after the fact!"
"In all honesty, I am rather bored with checking students for certain ... conditions" added Madam Pomfrey.
"Of course Madam Pomfrey. I'm sure we can find a slot for you to give a sex education lecture, Severus." Albus smiled.
"No! You're not making me do it! As a Head of House, I have plenty of duties already! I have research, groundbreaking research! Professor Quirrell teaches the single easiest subject at Hogwarts, plus he has no other duties, he doesn't even teach first and second years!"
"He has a point!" Filius added.
"I heartily disagree!" Quirrell almost shouted in panic, "I think students have a, a, a rapport with their Heads of House, and therefore it would be more comfortable, for the students, if it were to come from them!"
"More comfortable for you, you mean!" Severus spat back.
"I am not on the wage a Head of House is on, Severus. I think it falls under your pay grade!"
Severus just looked on in shock.
"I think he has a point, Severus!" Albus smiled.
"Like we don't have enough to do, Albus," Lily interjected.
"Exactly! We do a lot, Quirrell does anything barely!"
"Hey!" Quirrell shot back, "I teach a niche subject, it takes a great deal of planning and research!"
"Your mother was a muggle, and you teach muggle studies!" Lily shouted.
"Thank you, Lily!" He high fived her.
"Don't mess with the Snape's or the Snape's mess back!" Lily exclaimed.
"Okay... that's a little much."
Lily glared at her husband.
"I mean, she's right, watch your back, Quirrell!" He finished sheepishly.
"It does seem like it would come under the Head of Houses duties, much like the time I had to teach Gryffindors how to dance for that blasted ball you insisted on, Albus!" Minerva added.
"She says conveniently after ditching her Head of House status," Lily interjected.
"You try teaching James Potter and Sirius Black to dance, while simultaneously trying to stop them from grabbing the behinds of every Gryffindor girl in Hogwarts! I have done my time Lily!"
"Honestly Minerva, you did a piss poor job! My arse cheeks barely recovered!" Lily exclaimed. "One might say, you owe me!"
Minerva looked away, her stern expression fixed, there was no way she was caving.
"Which one?" Severus exclaimed.
"Both," She grimaced.
"Both butt cheeks Lily, or both boys?" Quirrell asked with another snigger, Lily levelled a glare that rendered him silent for a while.
"If we agree it's a Head of House situation, I have a suggestion," it was Filius now.
"We don't agree! Filius," Severus butted in.
"Honestly, I think it's in your best interests to back us up!" Lily added.
"I can see why Heads of Houses would be more comfortable for the students, but surely teachers closer to their own age would be more comforting," Filius continued smiling meekly.
"Don't you dare Filius! I could take care of my Slytherins, but don't you dare palm off your Ravenclaws and the bloody Hufflepuffs on Lily and me!"
"Honestly, who would want to hear about sex from Filius or me?" Added Pomona, "I am old enough to be their granny, I think it would be a little disturbing for the poor darlings."
"NO! You cannot take advantage of our age and relationship status, it's sexist?" He glanced at Lily.
"I don't think it is..." She trailed off.
"It's something, 'ist,'" He fumed.
"That gives me a wonderful idea actually, Severus!"
Severus groaned, it wouldn't be anything positive, he could tell from his face.
"What could be better than a young couple giving the caring advice on such a sensitive subject? I'm sure the students would feel you can see their side, as you so aptly put it, Severus, it was not that long ago you were in Hogwarts doing the exact same thing! Surely the students will appreciate that you see their point of view."
"MADAM POMFREY!" Lily shouted, "School Nurse... totally her job right!?" She grinned hopefully.
Unfortunately, Albus managed to bat that idea aside after a stern look from Madam Pomfrey. Along with her conviction that she apparently does enough, she was the one that had to check them for 'Fire Lice' and 'Puffskein Fever.' They argued about this for some time. Severus put up a good fight, as did Lily, but every argument they came up with, like raising their newborn baby, Albus found a way to work it in favour of his case. Before long it was agreed that Severus and Lily would hold sex education sessions, one with each year and all four houses present.
Seventh Years
It had been two weeks since the staff meeting. Lily and Severus had tried everything to get out of it, including one somewhat desperate and ridiculous idea which ended with Professor Snape claiming he was filing for divorce, and therefore couldn't bear to look at his wife, never mind teach alongside her. However, as time went on the schemes got more desperate and ridiculous, and Albus started to ignore them altogether. It was with that they both found themselves sat in a classroom with all of the seventh year students. Lily had removed all the desks and chairs from the room, filling it with plush sofas and chairs, complete with a couch at the front for her and Severus.
"I think it's a ridiculous idea," he said glaring at the comfy seating arranged around the classroom like it offended him.
"I just think we should be comfortable,"
"I think they should be very uncomfortable," He retorted.
"Having you talk to them about sex will surely do that," she smiled.
They sat waiting on the couch in the bright and spacious classroom. It was a Saturday afternoon, so the students trickled in slowly but surely after breakfast. A notice had been put up in the dormitories, it informed the seventh years that they would have to attend a compulsory lecture from Professor Snape and Professor Evans. Lily and Severus had had to leave baby Harry with Minerva. Remus, his Godfather, was recovering from his recent cycle. Severus still didn't trust his parents alone with Harry, and Lily's parents were currently away on holiday. Which meant their precious weekend, which would have been just them and Harry, had been stolen, stolen by the worst consequence of taking a teaching position that Severus could think of. Soon the classroom was filled with somewhat bemused looking students. Lily tried pointing out that it could be worse; they could be teaching them to dance like Minerva had had to, this did not cheer Severus up at all.
"So who knows why we are here?" Lily began.
There was radio silence, the odd Gryffindor or Slytherin bravely put up a hand.
"No Hufflepuffs or Ravenclaws know why the entire of the seventh year was given a compulsory lecture at the weekend?" Severus asked.
"Erm, Professor, the notice just said that it was a lecture and that Professor Evans and Professor Snape would give us the details when we arrived."
"I can't even believe that, the little-"
"Professor Snape... we can't talk about our, er, colleagues like that," Lily interjected.
"You're thinking it too."
"And not saying it out loud," she glanced over the room. "Ok, so Mr. Bulstrode, do you know why we are here?"
He looked cocky now that he was fully clothed, he had an impish grin, and Professor Evans smiled at him expectantly.
"Yea, we're here for sex education Miss, but honestly, I don't think I need it, I know what I'm doing." He smiled, wrangling his eyebrows, the group of boys sat with him joined in laughing.
"Believe me, Mr. Bulstrode, I'm not going to be going over technique with you," Severus sneered in the general direction.
"Honestly Professor, how come you're teaching us? Wouldn't you need… experience!" At this, there was a massive uproar of laughter.
"You're very confident Mr. Bulstrode, considering your size is painfully below average... honestly ladies, don't worry, he isn't an accurate reflection of the majority of wizard-kind!" He retorted sarcastically.
"Severus! You can not comment on a student's... size!"
"If he doesn't want me to make comments on his size, he shouldn't get caught between some poor girls legs on my desk, and then have the audacity to imply things about my own sex life, you know what they say, 'turnabout is fair play.'" He smiled.
"Well, back on point." She sighed, rubbing her temples. "The reason that we are the ones discussing this topic with you is due to Professor Dumbledore feeling that you would be more comfortable with a younger couple, rather than your Head's of House."
"WOAH! Wait a minute!" It was Mr. Bulstrode again. "Couple?!"
"Yes, Mr. Bulstrode, a couple; 'Two people who are married or otherwise closely associated romantically.'" Severus sarcastic drawl continued.
"GO PROFESSOR SNAPE!" The group of boys, amongst others, cheered and wolf whistled.
Severus leaned back into the sofa wishing it would consume him, his palm over his face.
"Seriously Professor, you're banging Professor Evans?" Another boy from the back row shouted.
"20 points from Ravenclaw Mr. Travers, and no, I am married to Professor Evans, it's a lot less seedy." He glanced over at Lily. "This is why we are the worst people for the job!"
"Okay, okay, calm down, let's get back to the topic at hand." Lily tried to calm the room, her face was scarlet. It worked somewhat, but the class was now filled with raised hands. "Miss Black," she pointed to a girl near the front.
"How are you married to Professor Evans? I mean, she's a Gryffindor and a Muggleborn?" She asked somewhat innocently, but the prejudice was evident in her tone.
"Not every Slytherin is as prejudiced as you Miss Black, and that will be 20 points from Slytherin. You see Miss Black, some of us choose our partners based on personality and compatibility, not blood status or Hogwarts house." He pursed his lips as he spoke and Miss Black seemed to slide down in her chair, somewhat ashamed.
"No Sir, you chose her 'cause she is FIT!" Exclaimed a Gryffindor boy.
"Thank you for the compliment Mr. Macmillan, however, we have other more important matters to discuss. As you may be aware, sexual education has not been part of the Hogwarts Curriculum before. Can anyone hazard a guess as to why we felt the need to introduce it now?"
The room was silent again, finally, a question that shut them up. Severus glanced around the room, catching the eye of a few students he felt were acutely aware of why this class had been introduced, however, instead of offering an answer they seemed to turn a bright shade of red. All except Mr. Bulstrode, he seemed quite eager to share his thoughts.
"Is it because Professor Snape caught Miss Corner and me shagging on his desk, Miss?"
"Mr. Bulstrode, I think what would be more accurate, is that your complete lack of regard for whom I hope is your ex-partner, because honestly, Miss Corner, you really can do so much better, you have no idea how many times I have walked in on that boy, you could catch anything!" He paused. "Yes, as I was saying, it's your lack of preparation, precaution, or even care for your partners that compelled me to bring this issue up. As much as I hate to spend my Saturday teaching a group of libidinous teenagers about safe sex, and the precautions you desperately need to start taking, I have caught far too many of you in the process of some sort of sexual act to ignore it. Though there are some of you, not really sure what you were doing, either you're doing it all wrong and I need to explain some things, or you hit upon something I have never heard of!"
"Sir, what does libidinous mean sir?"
"It means; that you are all lustful, lewd and lascivious." This comment was met with a nervous round of laughter.
"Does anyone know what issues Professor Snape might be referring to? What might you lot be lacking?" Lily asked.
"Professor Snape spoke to us about consequences..." Miss Corner responded timidly.
"Okay, what consequences?" Severus asked, the room was silent, no hands raised. "Surely some of you know what consequences we are talking about?"
Mr. Bulstrode raised his hand, his cocky smile was not as present, but he still looked too happy for Severus' liking.
"Try to be a little more eloquent this time, Mr. Bulstrode," Lily asked.
"Getting a girl knocked up."
"Indeed, and contrary to popular belief, that isn't just 'her' responsibility. If you're not ready for the pitter patter of tiny feet, put something on the end of it!" Severus said in his sarcastic drawl.
"But Sir, isn't that her responsibility?" Another boy asked.
"Did I stutter?" He glared at the obscenely cocky boy in front of him. "We actually planned to discuss some of the 'other' consequences first, who can name an STD?" There was no response, "Conner? You have been very vocal, you brag about having so much experience, nothing to share?"
He sat back in his chair and slunk down a little.
"Ok, first let's start with the delightful little creatures known as 'Fire Lice', anyone wish to start us off?" He smiled politely, though more out of enjoyment of the situation than any real desire to set them at ease. "Well, somehow I knew that you would all clam up at this point, so I brought pictures!" He grinned now.
With a wave of his wand, the light dimmed, and the shutters slammed shut over the windows, cutting off all the light in the room. He gave a tap to an odd contraption that looked very similar to a muggle slide machine; it whirred to life and light shone against the opposite wall as a picture flickered into place. "I made an executive decision to use muggle photographs, I think it would be a little too disturbing if they moved."
"Gross," came the odd mutter in the crowd of seventh-year students. They all stared in horror at the image of a tiny insect; it was bright red and had a ridged back. You couldn't see them on the picture, but they were known to have incredibly sharp teeth, almost knife-like. The creatures had six spindly legs, and under the enlarged image the usually rice sized creature looked decidedly creepy.
"Yes, they are pretty gross looking, and they are much smaller than this. We managed to get a nice large image for you. Fire-Lice like to live in the pubic hair of witches and wizards." Lily spoke as though she was describing the effects of certain ingredients in a rather mundane potion, however, the reaction in the class spoke volumes. "Yes, I can imagine how unpleasant they are, and very hard to get rid of. Does anyone know what they do once they take up residence?"
"Is it not bad enough that they live there?" Miss Corner asked grossed out, not as shy as before.
"Yes, but they tend to get a little peckish... they are known to have a little nibble of what's down there." Severus grinned again, Mr. Bulstrode looked like he would be sick. "Does anyone know the effect of these bites?"
"Sir, how do you know so much about this?" It was a Gryffindor boy named Fawley.
"When I was your age, I wasn't keen on contracting any illness', and so I did my research and took appropriate protection."
"So you had sex at Hogwarts too? Don't you think that it's a little hypocritical to tell us not to when you did it?" Mr. Bulstrode jumped in.
"No, because I'm smarter than you. Firstly, I didn't get caught and secondly, if anyone ever asked me, 'did you use protection?' I would be able to say, 'yes, what do you think I am? A complete dunderhead?'" At that point, the class started to laugh again, slowly finding Severus' light-hearted sarcastic wit more and more relatable and maybe setting them at ease more than they ever thought the man could.
"He also wasn't anywhere near as promiscuous as you lot seem to be, right?" She glanced over at him, smiling somewhat.
"Of course not." He smiled back warmly, a smile that no student had ever witnessed before. "So, does anyone know what effect the bite of a Fire Lice has?"
"It stings like bloody murder, Sir!" A boy at the back shouted.
Severus laughed.
"Speaking from experience I see..." He continued to chuckle.
"Have you ever had it, Sir?" Another boy asked, becoming far more confident. The whole class were avid listeners now.
"No, I have not. I managed to avoid every single consequence of sex thus far, except for one," Severus smiled.
"Which one, Sir?" Mr. Bulstrode asked, his eyes shone with delight.
"None of your business." He replied with a smile. Severus tapped the contraption again.
"Now, this is, believe it or not, a penis," Lily smiled. "As you can see, there are a lot of bites, and everything is rather red and angry looking, not very pleasant!"
"And as Mr. Prewitt states, they sting like bloody murder, and that is only the beginning," Severus smirked.
"Erm, Sir, how do you get rid of them?" The same boy from before asked.
"Please don't tell me that you know you have these and haven't seen Madam Pomfrey?" He winced.
"I ain't showing Madam Pomfrey my goods Sir," the entire class erupted with laughter.
"Depending on how far along things have got, you can take a potion. You may have to remove all your hair down there. There's also an ointment, I think you should see me later," Severus restrained his laugh just. "You know Lily, I'm starting to quite enjoy this!"
"I would like to apologise, Mr. Prewitt, my husband, has a cruel sense of humour."
"We will be providing a list of remedies for various inflictions, along with a list of ways to protect yourselves," Severus continued through his laughter. "Fire Lice, well that's simply a case of the fewer partners, the less chance you have of catching them. There is no other form of protection. Ladies, just so you know, Mr. Bulstrode… High risk!" He grinned at the once cocky teen.
"Am I going to have to show you my junk, Sir?" Again the class erupted into easy laughter.
"I desperately hope not!" He paused shaking his head. "Does anyone know of any other diseases?" This time a flurry of hands went up, no longer feeling self-conscious or judged.
"Miss Goode?" Lily smiled.
"I have not got this, just want to make that perfectly clear! But I have heard of one called Puffskien Fever?" She grimaced saying the name.
"Ew, that is a particularly nasty one, and if only you lot would try a condom, even basic muggle protection could help you, but you don't want to even try that."
"But it's not as good with a condom, sir."
"Conner, you haven't once failed to disappoint me, your idiocy clearly knows no bounds!" He paused, "if you're not willing to protect yourself or your partner then maybe, 'Little Bulstrode' should retire." Severus tapped the contraption again, and a new image came into play.
"Sir, that's disgusting!" Conner Bulstrode exclaimed.
"Don't want 'it' to have green puss coming out of 'it'?" Severus asked, bemused. "I figured you would try a bit of protection then."
"I think I will from now on!" Conner looked green.
"I think we may have just halved the problem at Hogwarts, dear." Severus smiled.
The morning went like on like this, they covered all the main illness' that one could contract along with cures and preventions. Despite them clearly not wanting to teach this lecture, with the older students there ended up being a carefree and amusing atmosphere. Severus never thought he would enjoy himself so much, though that might have been the sadist coming out in him, the students squirmed, a lot.
"I think that is the last of the infections you can get?" Severus asked Lily.
"Yes, I think there is just the most permanent consequence to cover now" She smiled.
"What's that?" The class looked both curious and worried.
"Oh once you have this one," Severus began, "you can't get rid of it, it will be there for the rest of your life."
"There is a way of getting rid of it," she stated.
"Well, I am somewhat against getting rid of it."
"I know, as am I, but teenagers, maybe they should be aware?" She questioned.
"I'm not talking about it, Madam Pomfrey can discuss it, if and when the situation ever arises." He said adamantly.
"Sir... what is it?" The student in question looked petrified, "The consequence, I mean, not the ... solution."
"A baby." His voice was soft. "I can't bear the thought of there being a 'solution' to a new life, as a father, it bothers me. However, ladies have the right, before things go too far, to end a pregnancy. I, however, won't discuss it with you."
"Sir, how far?" Miss Black questioned.
"25 weeks..." He trailed off.
"Our son was born at 25 weeks, it's far too early, but he's two-years-old now, so to us, it's a little more..."
"Personal." Severus filled in, reaching out he held her hand. "And so, as teenagers, if you can't keep yourself protected from pregnancy, or you are unable to go through with it, maybe you should think on, maybe you aren't ready to be engaging in said activities."
"However, if you decide you can go through with a pregnancy and put a child up for adoption, many witches and wizards are unable to conceive, so there could be a loving home waiting..." The students didn't notice how sad her smile was.
"The aim is not to get pregnant though, right? I mean really, if I had a daughter in this class, I would want to urge her not to get pregnant! Actually, I would urge her not to have sex at all!"
"You know, Sev, you think of everything as Father, sometimes we just need to give a bit of accurate information."
"I am a Father! And on that note, I have more pictures to help with the 'no sex' thing." He tapped the contraption again.
"Erm, sir what is that?"
"This Mr. Prewitt is an image that displays what happens to a woman's body when she gets pregnant." He gestured to the image, "As you can see her heart will enlarge to compensate for the extra stress her body is under and as the child grows you can see that, here," he pointed on the diagram, "her diaphragm is pushed up along with her other organs, this is to make space for the growing baby"
"As you can see, the womb is very close to the bladder, often a baby will use that as a bouncy castle." Lily smiled, "you need to pee. A lot."
"There is the obvious weight gain... though you were never fat, you glowed." He smiled.
"I looked like a bloody beached whale!" She laughed, "and the water retention in my ankles!"
"Don't forget your fingers, they looked like chunky sausages!" He laughed. "But the cravings, that was interesting, raw chillies from a woman that won't eat anything the least bit spicy!"
"Oh the hormones, that was worse for you than me."
"Mood swings all the time, one moment she is happy, happy, happy, the next crying and inconsolable, then she's angry, she often screamed at me that it was all my fault!"
"To be fair, you initiated the baby idea!" She exclaimed.
"Lily, that's bollocks, you hinted, and hinted, and hinted, until I came out and said it!"
"Oh... you got that," she smiled.
He nodded at her smiling smugly.
"How about another picture, quick before we have a domestic," she smiled.
"You might not recognise this one, and it's a wizarding image. I thought it might help you get the point, does anyone know what it is?"
"It looks like a badger eating sniffler, Sir!" There was a chorus of nervous laughter.
"Do any of the ladies know?" Lily asked tentatively. "Radio silence?" No one responded, "okay, that is a woman giving birth, more specifically, it's her ... vagina"
"What's all that... fur?" Miss Black asked horrified.
"That's the baby's head, he's crowning!" She smiled somewhat affectionately at the image.
"What does it feel like?" Miss Goode asked, she too, looked horrified.
"It feels like your body is being split in two at the beginning, they offer you pain relief though, now this is advice for whenever any of you have a baby... take the pain relief!" She paused. "Always take the pain relief!"
"After a certain point, they won't give it to you, the potions can affect the baby's health." Severus clarified matter-of-factly.
"Honestly, ladies take whatever they give you! All of it!"
"It must be worth it, once you have your baby?" Miss Corner asked, her eyes fixed on Professor Snape, "Right Professor?
"Lily?" He asked.
"Yes, it is, and once they get into a sleep routine you can really enjoy it, and hopefully you will have a partner-"
"Preferably husband" Severus interrupted.
"As I was saying, hopefully, you will have a partner that will help out. And since when did you get so old fashioned?" She giggled caressing his face.
"I just think, if I had a daughter, and she was in this room, that's what I would want to say to her, I would want her to only be that... intimate, with the one man that will treat her like the princess she would undoubtedly be!"
"That is so sweet!" Miss Corner gushed, gazing at the dark-haired professor.
There was a moment of silence and then a thud on the door. Outside came a faint wailing sound which got louder and louder. Within moments Professor McGonagall burst through the door with a child screaming in her arms.
"I cannot calm him no matter what I do!" She strode down to meet them, the child wailing in her arms. "The child simply will not listen to reason, I told him it was nap time, but he would not settle!"
The child in her arms squirmed and wriggled and reached for the not so feared Professor Snape.
"There is no discernible reason for the child's tears!" she exclaimed, her whole demeanour was more than a little unhinged.
"There is a rather excellent reason, Minerva," Severus claimed, and then he held his arms out, and the little boy reached over and was soon snuggled in his chest peacefully. "He just wants his Daddy," he explained softly. "What's up with my Harry Bear?"
"Daddy!" He sobbed, "My Daddy!" his sobs were defiant and angry.
"And that brings us to the most permanent consequence, and if you are using all the protection methods we have gone over, you can severely limit the chance of having one of these delightful creatures." Lily smiled, "be aware, no protection is completely foolproof!"