2015.
"I wonder if things will be a lot different when we watch the trilogy in 2018?"
The men are silent for a few seconds, thinking about it. "I hope not," Ted says, smiling down at his daughter.
The last of the Blueray's content warnings fades away, and is quickly replaced by the opening notes of the greatest trilogy of movies on the entire planet. Ted, Marshall, and Barney all can't help but lean towards the television in anticipation as the first, famous words of Star Wars appear on the screen…
Marshall hits the pause button. "Although actually, there are a couple of things I have in mind."
Barney makes a show of rolling his eyes and leaning back into the sofa, but really, this isn't a surprising development.
Ted adjusts his hold on Penny. "Yeah! I also arrived with, uh, notes. For example…"
2018.
The door opens, and Tracy enters the room, her hair pulled back in an elegant knot, pearl earrings in her ears and a matching necklace at her throat. She's wearing an elegant evening gown — low cut, but with a high waist to show off her pregnancy. "Sweetie," she says, coming over to perch on the arm of Ted's chair, "I just got back from the doctor after stopping by the noble prize ceremony, which I obviously won, and surprise! I'm not just pregnant, but pregnant with twins!"
"Twins!" Ted gasps, delighted. "Hear that, Penny? Your little brother Luke and little sister Leia are on their way!" The family embraces. "This is wonderful! We'll have to go to our summer home, a custom designed modernist home that has drawn favorable comparisons to Fallingwater!"
"I love that house!" Tracy gasps.
"This house is even more awesome than that one! I'm so glad you stopped by!" Ted says, standing from his chair, Tracy now holding Penny. "Because I have a surprise for you! In honor of your noble prize for solving the world's economic problems last Wednesday, I bought… a puppy!"
An adorable St. Bernard puppy comes bounding out of Marshall and Lily's kitchen.
2015.
"Wow," Marshall says, deeply impressed. "Bro, that is amazing."
"Aww, puppies are cute," Barney coos.
Ted nods with satisfaction, bouncing Penny on his knee and gazing into the middle distance.
"Can I make a suggestion?" asks Marshall.
2018.
Suddenly, all the walls cut away, revealing that Trilogy Time 2018 is actually being held in… a French castle!
"Surprise!" everyone shouts — Lily and Barney and Robin and some of Tracy's friends Marshall doesn't know the name of emerging from where they had been hiding. "You're also finally getting married!"
2015.
"Love it!" Ted says, as Marshall stands up for a well deserving high five. "Man, 2018 is going to be awesome."
"Yeah," Marshall says dreamily. "And then…"
2018.
As the wedding party gathers and assembles, Tracy disappearing behind a screen to change herself and Penny into white dresses, Lily pulls Marshall slightly aside. He hugs her. "Isn't this wedding romantic and amazing, even if it took Ted way, way too long and in the end I had to arrange this whole thing for him?"
2015.
"Hey," Ted complains.
"Sorry, dude, but let's all be honest with ourselves right here," says Marshall.
2018.
"Well," Marshall continues, without interruption, "doesn't it just make you want to get married again?"
"It does!" Lily coos, holding Marshall's hands in his. "Let's go for it! Let's get married for a second time in the Mall of America! And maybe while we're there, we can start looking for summer homes for us, too, but maybe not pretentiously designed, more like a normal suburban home in St. Cloud, because who wouldn't want to spend their summers in Minnesota?"
Marshall's mother comes over, holding Marvin by the hand. Marvin is in turn holding Daisy's hand. The children look absolutely adorable. "What a wonderful idea, honey," says Judy. "Obviously, I'll be happy to follow you two wherever you go to take care of my dear grandchildren."
"Oh, thank you… mom," Lily says lovingly, giving Judy a big hug. "Now that I'm no longer working for the Captain but an art curator for a super fancy museum Marshall doesn't know the name of because he doesn't know too much about this sort of thing besides that it makes me happy, I'm going to open a new fancy museum in Minnesota. I love and appreciate your help so much."
"Isn't this wonderful?" Marshall says, sniffling a little in teary-eyed joy, hugging both women at once.
"Marshall!" a man in a fancy uniform says, marching up to them. "You've been appointed to the Supreme Court… of New York!"
Everyone gasps in delight.
"And don't worry," he continues, "because we all agree that a New York-Minnesota commute is very reasonable!"
2015.
"Ooh, ooh!" says Ted. "And!"
2018.
"Also, there have been new scientific breakthroughs, so now…"
Marshall suddenly has a lush and manly mustache.
2015.
Marshall chuckles. "No, that's okay."
"Really?" Ted asks with sympathy in his voice. "You've always wanted to have a luxurious mustache."
"Ted," Marshall says with a gentle smile, "we're in our forties now. Some fantasies you just have to put away as you grow more mature."
"I guess so," Ted says. "But it was a pretty great mustache."
"It was, wasn't it?" Marshall says wistfully. "But we're grownups now. It's time to be realistic."
2018.
"Oh, and one more thing!" says Lily. "I'm pregnant!"
2015.
"Yes! Go Marshall!" Ted and Marshall reach over Barney to high five again, both beaming with excitement.
"What about you?" Marshall asks, nudging Barney in the ribs.
Barney looks up from his phone. "Huh? What are we talking about? All I heard was 'mustache.'"
"Come on," Ted laughs. "I know you've always sucked at this part of Trilogy Time, but it's part of the tradition. You must have some wildly unrealistic fantasy for the future."
"Please," says Barney. "I live my life day to day, awesome to awesome. I don't plan for the future. Especially not weird mustache vacation home futures."
"Realistically, we know most of these things probably won't happen," Ted says. "I mean, remember our old predictions? Three years ago I thought I'd die alone surrounded by cats." He smiles down at his daughter and kisses the top of her head.
"Hey," says Barney, pointing at him with his beer, "I'm still not ruling that one out for you, buddy."
"There must be something you kind of want to see in your future," Marshall says with a patient smile. "I mean, dude! You're married now!"
"Yeah!" Ted says, reaching over to punch Barney in the arm. "You and Robin must have some plans for the future. You've never been in a relationship during the Trilogy before, except for Quinn who we all agree doesn't count, so this year you really have to go all out."
"You could get a boat!" Marshall suggests.
"Or a dog!"
"Or maybe you guys could get some balls, since clearly you've been replaced by women," Barney mutters. He rolls his eyes, glancing at the paused TV, and falls back against the sofa, looking at the ceiling.
2018.
Tracy, now in a white dress, is getting married to Ted in the background of the castle, as Marshall and his family take turns hugging off to the side.
Robin rushes up to Barney, standing by himself in the middle of the castle. She's dressed all fancy, in an elegant ball gown and white gloves. "I have amazing news," she says, taking Barney's hands in hers. "It's a real miracle, which I now finally believe in, because Marshall was right all along: I'm pregnant!"
2015.
Barney turns to look at Marshall with disgusted incredulity. "I thought this was supposed to be fantasies of things we actually want?"
"Who doesn't —" Ted shakes his head no at Marshall over Barney's head. "Whatever," Marshall huffs. "You two would be really irresponsible parents anyway. And I bet your kid would have like, a ridiculously square head."
Ted snickers. Barney, slumped pretty far down the sofa, turns to give him a pointed frown.
"Okay," Ted says. "How about…"
2018.
Tracy, wearing a gorgeous white dress that makes her look like a movie star, and Penny, wearing the most adorable floofy baby dress ever, getting married to Ted in the background, Marshall's family stuff off to the side, Barney standing there and Robin rushes up to him.
But this time she's wearing a really slinky dress, super low cut, and she's done something to her boobs to make them look really big, or maybe gotten implants or something. She puts a hand on Barney's shoulder, slides it down his back, and tosses her hair. "Wanna do it in the bathroom while our friends get married?"
2015.
Barney sits up a little. "Better," he says, mildly impressed.
Ted looks pleased for about a second, then frowns.
2018.
"Even though, come to think of it, that would be super rude, since today is Ted's special day that he's been dreaming of since before either of us even met him?" Robin continues, her voice low and seductive.
"You're right," Barney says, leaning in close to his wife. "That would be a terrible thing to do to our best friend who put so much work into getting us married in the first place. Let's attend the wedding and not have sex in a bathroom."
2015.
"Less better!" Barney complains.
"It's my wedding!" Ted protests. "You're one of the best men, and Robin is a guest! You can't just abandon the most romantic day of my life for bathroom sex!"
"This sucks," says Barney. "See? This is why I never participate in this stupid ritual." Ted and Marshall gasp, looking at the television.
"Not that part," Barney says quickly. "The dumbass let's pretend we can fake a super girly future thing. Ooh, let's pretend that three years from now all our fantasies we wrote in our diaries come true! When has that ever happened? It's stupid."
"It's not that stupid," says Ted. "Sure, Marshall doesn't have a mustache, I never learned to play guitar or grew my hair out super cool, Tracy and I probably won't have twins, and there's no way Lily is ever going to move to Minnesota…"
"Hey," Marshall interrupts.
"Sorry, bro. But even so, a lot of the things we've wished for over the years have happened. We have amazing families and children, I finally met Tracy, and we even have most of the career success we wanted. It's not like sitting here pretending is what got us those thing, but I think knowing what I was chasing all these years…" Ted trails off, looking at his daughter. He smiles softly. "I wouldn't have been able to keep going if I hadn't known what I was looking for."
"Ted's right," says Marshall. "And come on, Barn, it's not like you don't know it yourself. Didn't you storm out of the last Trilogy Time because you wanted to pursue love?"
"Sure, with Quinn," Barney points out acidly. "I have career success and a bitching apartment and everything I've ever wanted in life, and none of it has anything to do with me jerking it with you guys every three years."
"Dude," Ted hisses, covering Penny's ears, "there's a kid here!"
"Okay, it didn't work out with Quinn or any of your nameless bimbos, but now you have Robin. Come on. One plan for the future," Marshall says, nudging him in the ribs again. "One tiny plan. One thing."
Barney sighs and thinks for a moment.
2018.
Ted's wedding, Marshall and his family, everyone is laughing and hugging, champagne is being passed around. Robin's still wearing the slinky dress, but her expression is serious and she nervously plays with a strand of her hair. "So how have you been since we broke up?" she asks.
A man in a trucker hat approaches, putting his arm around Robin's waist. She giggles flirtatiously. "By the way, this is my new husband, Trey."
2015.
Robin is sitting on the sofa in her and Barney's apartment, with her phone in her hand. She types out a message:
Just got a call from work! Short notice, but I'm off to Columbia. Packing now, flight is this afternoon.
Have fun at Trilogy Time. See you this weekend.
xx Robin
At Marshall and Lily's apartment, Ted and Marshall are talking loudly, Ted bouncing Penny in his lap, Marshall waving his arms wildly.
"Blah blah mustache!" Ted says.
"Blah blah babies!" Marshall says.
Barney, sitting between them, reads Robin's text again, and then again.
2015.
"Well?" Ted asks with an expectant smile. He's turned Penny on his knee so that she can cajole her uncle, too. "One dream for the future. We're not gonna start watching until you give us one. Maybe you guys can get a dog! Or a mid-century vacation home in Poughkeepsie near the laser tag place! Or travel —"
"I gotta go," Barney says, standing from the couch and heading straight to the door.
Robin has a suitcase open on the bed, her phone placed beside it, clothes scattered around as she packs. Blouses, skirts, a nice dress. Comfy pajamas instead of sexy ones. Maybe skip the swimsuit. She picks up her phone once, twice, and puts it down untouched each time.
Adds a pair of jeans and her makeup bag to the suitcase, starts to zip it up.
She hears a door burst open and turns; a moment later, the bedroom door flies open, hits the opposite wall, swings back and almost hits Barney in the face. He stops it and leans heavily against the knob as Robin's eyebrows go up; then down as she begins to frown.
"Barney? What happened to Trilogy —"
He strides forward, out of breath. "I want to be married in three years."
"Okay," Robin says slowly, taking in his slightly-rumpled appearance. "I have some good news for you; you're married right now."
"To you," he clarifies.
"Again; I have some good news," Robin says, turning back to her suitcase, zipping it the rest of the way.
He comes over and sits on the edge of the bed, facing her amid her discarded shirts. "Still."
Reluctantly, she makes eye contact. "What are you talking about?"
"Every Trilogy Time, Ted and Marshall like to talk about all the kids they want Lily and Tracy to pop out, romantic vacations, dream weddings… you know, normal guy stuff."
"Sure," Robin says, remembering the one she was forced to sit through all those years ago. "And you like to talk about your kinks and chicks you wanna bang."
"That's the problem!" Barney insists. "You're the one I wanna bang and do dirty stuff to! Even three years from now when you're forty and I'm still thirty four!"
"Okay, first of all, I'll still be in my thirties in 2018," Robin says, sitting down on the other side of her suitcase. "Second of all…" she plays with her suitcase zipper. "I want to still be doing dirty stuff in three years, too. And like I said, good news, we're already married and together, so…"
"Are we?"
Robin plans on making a joke about how she's wearing some pretty useless jewelry if not, but at the look on Barney's face, she doesn't.
Barney continues, avoiding eye contact. "I don't think we're doing … great. The guys wanted to know what we were gonna do in the future, and I didn't have any. Not even banging in the bathroom at Ted's wedding. I wasn't sure if you'd even show up, and that was a weird fantasy wedding."
"That's not fair," Robin says with some heat.
"You texted me to tell me you were going to be out of the country for the rest of the week! It wasn't even a dirty text! And you're always gone and we never even hang out…"
"You know my job is important to me. I'm not giving it up for anyone, even you." Robin's expression softens. "You know you can come with me whenever you want… I wish you would, but you hate it, so…" she sighs. "I don't want to force you."
"Because I'm not with you! Whenever we go anywhere, it's just 'stay in the hotel, I'll be back in twelve hours!' 'What? I wanted to tour the volcano with you, why did you go while I was at work?' 'Why don't you go have dinner alone, I have to work late!'"
"I was the one who told you about that volcano! I took time off the next day so we could go!"
"And when I went without you, you just worked all day that day instead of hanging out!"
They fall into a furious silence, glaring at one another across the suitcase.
Robin breaks first, looking back at her lap. "I thought you'd be supportive of my career, not resent me for having something I care about that isn't you."
"I am," Barney insists, "I don't. But — but, I wanna be more than just some guy you bang after a trip, or after work, or who you take along with you so we can bang in a hotel after you work on a trip, but don't hang out with ever. I wanna be the guy you bang because we're married."
"Does it really feel like that?" Robin asks. He shrugs, not looking at her. She sighs. "Maybe we do have some problems."
"Yeah," he says. "I want to still be married in three years, and not feel all weird when the guys ask me about it."
"Yeah," she says quietly. "I do, too."
Her phone buzzes with a reminder to check in for her flight, and they both look at the alert.
"I was hoping you'd call me and wish me a nice trip," Robin admits. "I didn't think you'd sulk and get mad at me for going."
"I would never… okay, maybe that is kind of what I did," Barney says, dropping the fake outrage. She chuckles. "But I guess you could have … asked me if it was okay."
"I don't need your permission to work," Robin says. She bites her lip. "But I guess I know what you mean."
Barney picks at the duvet. "Or invited me along, maybe." They're both silent for a moment. "Like you could have pushed your return flight a couple of days and we could have stayed the weekend after you were done working and hit the beach and you could have worn a really hot bikini. And then it wouldn't feel like I was just there to bang you when you felt like coming back to the hotel."
Robin smiles at him from across her suitcase. "Barney," she says. "Do you want to go to Columbia with me?"
2018 (for real)
"Okay, baby," Tracy says, kissing Ted on the cheek as she passes him the diaper bag, "have fun. And please, please don't forget, Luke needs his baby ibuprofen at two thirty, which should be…" she glances over at the clock, "Right around the time Lando traps everyone to hand them over to Vader."
"I love you so much," Ted says, beaming and kissing her on the mouth. "But with Luke's ear infection — shouldn't he stay home and rest?"
"Nope," Lily says, wrangling the baby and Daisy; Marshall already has Marvin on his lap, hyping the six year old up for the afternoon ahead. "You guys opened the door for this when you had Penny last Trilogy Time. Me and Tracy are going to a spa."
Tracy shrugs, smirking. "Yeah, have fun with the kids. We'll be back around seven." She passes Luke to Ted, giving her son a kiss on the crown of his head. "Bye baby! Have a good time with the Trilogy!"
On the floor, Daisy and Penny argue over dolls, Daisy trying to educate the toddler on her doll's names and occupations — lawyer, artist, and political leader. "I worry about that kid," Lily says, patting her daughter on the head, shooing Marvin off the sofa, and handing Marshall the baby. "Take care of them, baby!"
"Have fun at the spa, Lilypad," Marshall coos, kissing his wife.
So far all the children are calm and playing nicely, but Ted still surveys the scene with some apprehension. "Too bad Barney skipped this one," he says.
"Wish you had someone else to help babysit?" Tracy guesses, accurately. "Where are they, anyway?"
"Dubai," Ted says. "Probably doing it in a public bathroom or something."
"That sounds about right." Tracy laughs and kisses him one last time in goodbye.
When the women are gone and the kids are settled, Ted and Marshall hunker down on the couch and press play. The copyright warnings appear. "You know, this is actually pretty nice," Marshall says dreamily, looking around the room, at the mess and the children. "Maybe this can turn into a family tradition instead of just a guy's fantasizing about our futures tradition."
"Yeah!" Ted sighs. "I can't imagine life getting any better than this anyway."
"Me neither."
The music begins, Marvin's eyes go wide with excitement…
Marshall hits pause. "Although, come to think of it…"
DUBAI
"Doing it in a public bathroom on top of the world's tallest building, check," Barney crows, straightening his tie and holding the door open for his wife. Robin, still fixing her hair, smiles.
"So what's the verdict? Missing Trilogy Time to cross something off on the ol' bucket list, worth it?"
"It's okay," Barney smirks. Robin drifts towards the observation windows to take in Dubai's night sky. He falls behind a couple of steps to take in her ass, then joins her at the railing at the glass windows surrounding the deck. "Although, it's funny," he says, almost wistfully. "I actually can kind of imagine the future this time around."
"Oh, can you?" Robin asks, her voice teasing but pleased.
"I have a couple of ideas."
2021
"Blah blah blah judgeship and mustache!" says Marshall.
"Blah blah boring buildings and getting married!" Ted replies.
"Blah blah my boobs are huge because I'm pregnant!" Lily announces.
Tracy cradles a trophy labelled SAVED THE WORLD'S CASH as all the kids — and several new ones — run around underfoot, in a beautiful suburban neighborhood with lush grass and maple trees… smack dab in the middle of Manhattan, replacing where Times Square used to be and vastly improving the space.
"Blah blah our boring and lame lives," Ted sighs.
In the background, Barney pulls Robin by the hand down the street, Robin looking confused… until he leads her behind the French castle bedecked with white streamers and balloons, to a parked X-Wing, primed for takeoff. "Eh?" Barney says, gesturing towards it proudly.
Robin looks back at the others, now hugging indiscriminately, then at the starfighter. She pulls a space helmet from nowhere and looks her husband in the eye.
"Let's blow this joint," she says.