THIS IS COMPLETE AND UTTER CRAAAAAAAAAAAACK.
A/N: It's me ~ With my first non horawr/angztt/trahjeddy story! =3 Oh Gilan. OH, Gilan. I believe I have discovered a new canon couple, my readers. We will never understand what goes on in his head; all I know is that this is probably the best idea he's ever had.
Disclaimer: Do not own!
Warnings: Apprentice!Gilan. Yes, that deserves its own warning. And some language, but nothing too serious. Ooh, and dead cat humor, because everyone appreciates good dead cat humor.
Your quote for this chapter (and thus, this fic):
"My one and only true love remains myself."
~ Jace, Mortal Instruments Series.
I REPEAT, THIS IS CRACK ON CRACK ON CRACKITY CRACK CRACK CRACK
Paperwork.
Halt thought of its all-encompassing, mighty respawning abilities and made an annoyed noise. A random dude who heard him passed out from fear because Rangers are terrifying whenever they're annoyed.
"I don't get it," Halt said anyway, because apparently he doesn't know how terrifying angry Rangers are. Of course he wouldn't. PEH.
But seriously, why did God have to give the awesome gift of immortality to paperwork? Why couldn't it have been given to Gilan's brain cells? Oh wait. He didn't have any. They had emptied out faster than Halt's coffee supply. HAHA, BURN!
The grizzled Ranger still wondered about that boy, though.
That crazy, hyperactive, delusional, fangirl-obsessed boy he had agreed to live with for five friggin years. LOL bad move Halto-san. WAIT NO, don't kill me.
Pfft, who I be kiddin'. He gonna kill me 'nyways. PTCHA!
And it was that very teen who he had left in the cottage. All day. Alone.
"Let's pray he didn't burn it down," Halt voiced suddenly, ignoring his horse's badass mind-reading abilities.
Abelard replied with a snort. What's with the sudden religious infatuation? LOL a horse said infatuation. That sounds so weird.
"That's not what I meant," Halt scowled, but his horse had already stopped listening - HAHA, BURN! - annoyed that his mind-reading prowess was being dissed. Repeatedly. HAHA, BURN!
LOL see whut I did there. Halt worried that Gilan was going to BURN his house down, and then he got BURNED by - aw forget it.
Ten minutes of riding later (in which Halt rescused a cat, two damsels in distress, and one little boy stuck in a burning house (MORE BURNS), and he doesn't care if you don't believe him because his skillz are just too awesome for you to comprehend. HAHA, BURN! Okay, maybe he lied. But it's only because he didn't save that cat. He let it drown, LOL. I would HAHA, BURN! the cat, but the cat drowned so the burns would have been put ou -... Okay. Dead cat humor not funny. You didn't have to be so frickin' rude.)
Anyway, after those long ten minutes of being ignored by Abelard, HAHA, BURN!, Halt rounded the magical corner of the forest that has all the super-secret defenses befitting of small, unattractive, quaint home like this one - in other words, none! Not even a PMS-ing woman, 'cuz Halt was forever alone, LOL.
On the bright side, the first thing that Halt noticed was that said home wasn't burning, pun intended and unfunny even underlined.
"IT'S A MIRACLE!" he screamed, falling off of his pony HAHA, BURN! I called it a pony, and grovelling at the dirt - what? Watchu lookin' at? You should respect dirt like that. Non-believers.
Wow, I've made a lot of jokes vaguely involving religion. Like, I bet I offended someone out there. ROTF, imagine their little angry face. All like :O ! Unless you're that angry person, in which case HAHA, BURN! But that's not the point. BACK TO HALT CRYING AND GROVELING AT DIRT.
(True story.)
Halt's awesome miracle fantasy was interrupted by a loud moan. Of pain, of course. If you thought it was something else, you know who and what you are, so HAHA, BURN!
Don't look at me, Abelard... communicated. Via superspecialawesome mindlink.
What? I don't talk to horses, I talk to cars. And chairs. And the nice men in white. Get with the times, HAHA, BURN!
Back to the moaning.
Already prepping his not so superspecialawesome Halt-Glare TM, HAHA, BURN!, Halt got up, dusted himself off, and strode towards the door purposefully. You could see the purpose reverating off of his purposeful strides. His entire being screamed purpose, so purposefully it would have knocked all you purposeless internet browsers off of their purpose-lacking feet.
Purpose means absolutely nothing to me anymore, but then again, it never did, HAHA, BURN! On me, in case you couldn't tell, so put away your knives.
The door opened.
Halt's eyes widened and he put one arm on the wall behind him (ignore the plot holes or you'll fall into one and I'll be waiting for you on the other end). Of all the crazy, irresponsible, stupid, ridiculous, fangirl-attracting things Gilan had ever done, he was sure that this had to be the worst.
Gilan trying to make out with his lover was such a fail, that Halt was like O.o
No, seriously, he went O.o and then he rubbed his eyes because making that face hurts. FREEZE, BOO-HOO - wait, no, let me try that again-!
No, Gilan's kissing was not a fail. It was actually pretty hot and seductive and steamy and nosebleed-inducing, but not to Halt because he is perfectly straight and not a pedophile. Let me repeat.
Perfectly straight, not a pedophile.
I'm not joking.
This is not a joke and I am not being sarcastic. I don't care if I just caused the apocalypse, stop whining at me.
Look, there's the Yaoi Fangirls' exit. I constructed an exit door just for you creepy children who came to read Halt/Gilan slash. Hah, because it's not happening.
(But the scenario was still very awkward.)
So, since Halt was perfectly straight and not a pedophile - OMG, the exit doors are overflowing! Y U NO STAY?
"Because!" A random reader screamed at me, throwing tomatoes at my vulnerable self. "I WANTED HALT-GILAN SLASH!"
"YOU DISGUST ME!" I screamed back, except that didn't matter because I just broke the Fourth Wall into a million pieces and multiple paradoxii (LOL is that how you say it? How would I know?) occured at the same time, crushing everything into black holes which sucked each other up which also destroyed physics which drove lots of geeks/nerds/dorks to commit suicide which means no one is even reading this any more.
HAHA, BURN! ON YO- aihgofadiohgmrfa;io jvfpioadmbgtfpioajiof klnioa[ iet4389utj4f oawjIOPJGIROEjgighriosahja
... Honestly! I know you were pissed but you didn't have to slam my face into the keyboard! How rude! You even brpke mt backspsce buttun! I can'y erwse that mes5 yiu madr anymre!
D:
Okay, now that the obligatory fourth wall shatter reference has been made, I can continue.
Gilan had gotten more intense now, and had slammed his partner against the wall and apparently tongue was being used in extreme excess, because Halt was rapidly paling. This was something he did not want to watch. At all.
The Yaoi Fangirl Exit is still there, you know.
So what do all characters do in awkward situations that involve two other persons making out?
Awkwardly clear their throats, DUH.
So that's what Halt did.
Gilan jumped about a mile, letting go of his willing partner much to his horror. "NOOOOOOOOOO!" Gilan yelled, reaching out for his extremely fragile lover as it toppled over, hitting the floor and breaking.
Into pieces.
Pieces that Gilan was now sobbing over.
"Gilan..."
Halt's very bipolar apprentice looked up cheerily, apparently unaware that the author is also bipolar and that her style of humor has mysteriously changed somewhere in this piece.
(Also true story.)
"Oh, hi Halt! Isn't my idea awesome?"
"You making out with a mirror is an awesome idea?" Halt commented sarcastically, indicated the glass shards that were now all over the wooden floor. LOL I wrote wooden floor. DUH it's a wooden floor. What did you think it would be, glass? Like a floor-mirror that you could walk on -
Probably should not have given Gilan that idea.
"No, but I finally found someone to couple with ~"
"A mirror? I had no idea you were that desperate."
"Nooo, Halt!" Gilan despaired at his mentors' apparent blindness. "The mirror is not my lover! It is what it contains!"
"... Glass?"
"Nooo, Halt! I was kissing myself!" I mean, jeez, Halt, it should have been obvious.
"... GilanXGilan?"
"Aahhh, GilanXGilan. The sweetest form of narcissism," the blond sighed contentedly. "Say it again."
Halt ignored Gilan's freaky weird request. "One, why, Gilan, why. And two, how does that even begin to make sense?"
"The fangirls, Halt. The fangirls are the answer to both of your questions."
"For the last time, you have no fangirls!" BURN, HAHA!
"LOLwhut," Gilan LOLwhutted.
Gilan's face was all X.x, which is also a painful face to make so excuse his eyes for leaking copious amounts of blood.
"Exactly what I just said," Halt just said exasperatedly. "For the last. Time. You have no fangirls.We are not in a magical book series in a different dimension that's based around an apprentice that I will not acquire in the future and his not epic adventures."
LOL Gilan is so funny, does he actually think that? So redonkulous. I'm sure Abelard would agree... HAHA, BURN!... No? Re-Donkey-Lous?... Horse?... No? No... :'(
"No, that's not what we're in! We're in a forever-alone authoress's twisted fanfic! HAHA! BURN! ON HER!"
DX
"... I'm getting your medication re-checked."
HAHA, BURN!
"Yours, too!"
... whut.
And with that, the Fourth Wall exploded, instantly killing everyone in the show, because you don't screw with the Fourth Wall twice in the same friggin' fanfic. That's like ripping the tag off a mattress, Halt!
TEH END!
No reviews expected, this was entirely for teh lulz.
(P.S The canon couple is GilanXGilan, also known as Mirrorshiping XD)