I'm not good with formalities and I'm sure you usually skip over the author's notes anyway (I do, js). So let's go ahead with the story, mmmkay?

Summary: Three words describe Artemis Fowl: genius, brooding, and pale. After Angeline Fowl discovers (through Cosmopolitan) a new strain of the flu, she realizes that Artemis has two of the three symptoms! As it turns out, he has contracted the deadly strain and the only solution is to let the flu run it's course. "I hate blood," Artemis frowned, poking a straw through the IV bag, and timidly sipping its contents.

Thicker Than Water
Chapter One

Angeline Fowl found November's issue of Cosmopolitan on the counter as she went to fetch her morning coffee. "I told Butler to tell me when it got in," she said to herself, tucking it under her arm to pour a cup of fresh Brazilian brew, and add two lumps of sugar. She loved her coffee sweet, and she loved reading about sex secrets in the early morning. She didn't know why, but ever since her husband came home from that dreadful ordeal in Russia, he hasn't been feeling their ritual morning romps like he used to.

"Later," he always grumbled when she'd whisper in his ear, and swat her away. "It's too early, dear."

She never liked going back to sleep after that. So, to replace that ritual, she would come into the kitchen and drink herself a cup of coffee whilst reading (and re-reading) Cosmopolitan. It was almost as good, but Cosmo didn't provide sound effects.

Sighing, she sat up on the kitchen bar and flipped open the magazine, missing her old lover ritual. At the first article, her eyes widened.

"Darling?" came her husband's voice about an hour later. He found her sitting at the kitchen bar, bent over her ritual copy of Cosmo. He rolled his eyes and swaggered up to her, wrapping his arms around her tiny waist. "Darling, Arty's not up yet," he murmured into her hair.

Of course Artemis wasn't up. He slept most of the day, anyway.

Angeline wasn't wooed by her husband's charm.

"Darling?" he repeated, becoming worried.

"How would you describe our son?" asked his wife without taking her eyes away from the magazine.

He frowned, irritated, and unwrapped his arms. He went to go fix him a cup of black coffee instead. "He's a teenaged boy, Angeline."

"Yes, but how would you describe him?"

"A brilliant entrepreneur who has a separate Swedish banking account that I was just billed for? By the way, that was sneaky of him. Maybe we should ground him? Give him a talking-to?" He thought for a moment. "Take away his computer?"

"Artemis," she ground. "I'm serious."

"Fine, fine," he gave in to play along. "Uh, he's...like his father."

"No, really. Is he a genius?"

"No, darling, he just as an IQ of 156."

She gave him a hard look. "Brooding?"

"It's hormones. Give him a few years." He paused to sip his coffee that could put hair on a gay man's chest. "Or a girlfriend. You know, I'm thinking we should set him up with the daughter of the Paradizos. She's a charming lass. A little young, but girls grow up faster, don't they--"

"Pale?"

"Very," Artemis Fowl Senior agreed.

"Hate sunlight?"

"Do you see him outside, darling?"

"Picky eater? Loss of appetite? Tall, dark, handsome?"

Artemis Senior had to do a double-take. "Are you reading a personal ad?"

In horror, she put a hand over her mouth, and fanned herself with her free hand. "Oh, Artemis!" Her wail was muffled by her hands. "I think our Arty has the flu!"

Her husband blinked, confused. "The flu?"

"Yes!" She quickly picked up the magazine and showed him the article. "It's an epidemic in America! Evidently, the government is camouflaging it with another type of flu--the pig flu or some other trash--oh Artemis! Will he die?"

The baffled man put his coffee down and tried to sooth his hysterical wife. He took the magazine out of her hands and kissed them gently. "Darling," he smoldered in that thick, husky voice she had fallen in love with as a schoolgirl, "don't believe everything you read. I'm not sure how exact Cosmopolitan is. It's trashy, and you needn't worry. Since when has it been right in all the years you've read it?"

She gave a thoughtful pause, then said, "They were right about the Rapid Rabbit."

Artemis Fowl Senior had never moved so fast in his life. "We're taking Arty to the doctor," he decided, taking the stairs two at a time to shake his son awake.

OK, so from this chapter I'm sure you can tell that there will be a lot of... (ahem) ....sexual innuendos. If you are not comfortable with topics like sex and dildos, then please don't flame me. It's rated what it's rated for a reason!

But if you had a good time reading it, then REVIEW?