Disclaimer: This story is an original work of fanfiction based on events presented in the novels of Barbara Hambly and Kevin J. Anderson. All Star Wars characters are property of Lucasfilm, Ltd. Chapter titles are quoted from Madonna's "Ray of Light" album. Please don't copy this story-it's my baby and mine alone. Anyway, I'm not making any money off it. It's just to open a window into the mind of a misunderstood character.
Dedication: This story is dedicated to my dear friend Cassidy Austin. May you live forever in the hearts of those who loved you most.
Mergirl: Callista's Story
By Ambassador Cara Jade
Part 1: Child fits mother
"I ran and I ran...
I'm still running today..."
Mergirl, by Madonna
My name is Callista, and in less than two seconds, I will be dead.
Not that it matters, really. Geith and Kara are dead, too. Under normal circumstances, I'd be joining them on the other side. The sad truth is that I'll never cross over, because I didn't destroy the ship. Moments ago, I climbed this Force-forsaken shaft to the central computer, the mainframe of this monolithic horror, the Eye of Palpatine.
Now, because of the enclision grid, one leg is dangling like a slab of charred meat from my hip, and my shoulders have no flesh across them. I'm definitely going to die.
I thought I could overload the computer, but...something went wrong. The Will knows so much. It's like a disgusting, malevolent demon, taunting me, jeering me, playing a maddening cat-and-mouse game with me. It knew what I was going to do, and it...made it not happen. It made me fail.
I have no idea what I'm going to do. I can't even think anymore. I'm tired...so tired...can it just end now? How much longer is this torment going to last?
Now...
Now the ship shudders violently, and sparks fly all around me. I've crippled something. But not the guns. Not the guns, the most crucial part that had to be destroyed, if nothing else. They still work, by some terrible miracle.
I lose my faltering grip on the holds and I fall. From experience I know it's over thirteen meters to the deck floor. That's enough to kill me, even if my wounds were not.
The enclision grids start firing on me again, as if more damage must be inflicted. It's like beating a dead cy'een. One of the lasers must have hit my spine, because suddenly I can't feel my legs anymore. It's getting harder to see, harder to hear. All I see is flashes of light and showers of sparks. All I hear are distant rumblings and the rushing of wind.
I'm still falling...It's like I'm in slow motion. The ground keeps getting closer, and closer, the grillwork of the deck larger and more detailed...
There's a place in my mind where I can see my whole life, pure and in perfect detail. I want to hide there, spend the rest of my life in the painful memories of the last twenty-two years, or in a fantasy world where Mama was still alive, where Geith and Kara were still alive, where Palpatine never existed and where the Jedi were never killed.
But I keep coming back here, to this, the last place I will ever live. Here, in reality, I'm still hurting, still remembering and regretting and wishing...
And I'm still falling...
I was born Callista Galexi Nogati, eighteen years before the purges began. I was the only child in the Nogati family gifted with the Force, so I have no idea where I got it. I just knew that I was different, special somehow.
My family was happy; I had a brother and two older sisters, two parents. My father was my best friend. We were amazingly close, and every time I needed help or someone to talk to, I always went to him. I think it hurt my mother more than I ever knew, or cared to think about. That's when things started. I was six, and it was almost my seventh lifeday. My father had gone out to see Uncle Claine's new ranching ark and my sisters were at school, leaving me and Josef at home with Mama.
My little brother Josef and I went to play on the beach. We stood knee-deep in the surf, throwing a ball back and forth. I threw it hard, and Josef dove under the water to get it. As he did, another wave rolled over him. He stood up, sputtering. "You did that on purpose!" he shouted.
I was laughing so hard I couldn't answer. He ran and tackled me, knocking us both into the water. We wrestled until we were beyond breathless.
"Kids!" Mama called for us from out little beach house. "Time for lunch!"
Josef and I jumped up with a cheer, realizing how hungry we were. We raced for the house, kicking up sad behind us like the wake of water behind the boat. I made it through the door first, and tagged the wall. "I win! I win!"
"You...always...win!" Josef wheezed.
"Well, I'm older. Of course I always win!"
"Mom!"
"Come on, you two." Mama said, tossing her black braid over her shoulder and setting out plates on the table.
"Hello, children," our housedroid, T-402 greeted us. "I prepared your favorite today: shrimp sandwiches."
"YAY!" we cheered and sat down. T put our plates in front of us, then disappeared to do the laundry. We ate like ravenous wystohs. We were both finished in less than five minutes.
"Well, you two certainly were hungry. It must be from all that running around on the beach," she said. Then the sound of the front door closing made us all look to the foyer. My teenage sisters, Maya and Arkna, walked in. "What are you two doing home this early?" Mama asked, using that motherly tone.
"That moron!" Arkna said in disbelief. "I studied for that test all week last week, and Mr. Churcin had the nerve to give me a D plus. What gives?"
"He's probably a speciesist." Maya said. "He is a Calamarian."
"I take it your physics exam didn't go so well?" Mama said, raising her eyebrows. Arkna sighed. "I know, I know. It's never the teacher's fault. Only mine, despite the fact that I studied for that stupid test all kriffin' week--"
"And watch your language, young lady! Anyway, it is your fault because if I remember correctly, you didn't study at all. You spent the entire week with that boyfriend of yours."
Josef and I snickered behind our hands. Arkna glared at us.
"Anyway, you shouldn't be so hard on Mr. Churcin. You know how hard it is for nonhumans to find decent jobs these days."
"Mom!" Arkna huffed.
"No more from you. You're grounded for a week, which means no leaving the house!"
Arkna rolled her eyes.
"I saw that. Do you want to make it two?" Mama said, standing up.
Arkna looked at the floor. "No." she said sullenly.
"All right then. Now you two come have something to eat before you go back to school. Heaven only knows what they feed you there."
That's how Mama always was. She couldn't stay angry at us for long. My mooka, Jeebie, jumped into my lap with a whine. I patted his head and poked a piece of shrimp at his nose, and he snatched it from my fingers with a wag of his tale.
"Lissy," my mother warned. She hated it when I fed Jeebie from the table. The mooka leapt out of my lap and pattered to my room.
We ate in silence for a few moments, but I was never one for quiet. "When does Papa get home?" I asked.
"He should be back in a couple of hours," Mama answered. "Why, what do you need?"
"He said he'd help me with my history assignment." I said. "I don't know much about the rise and fall of the Sith Order."
Mama smiled. "I can help you with that, Lissy. I'm fairly good when it comes to Galactic history."
"Thanks, Mama," I said. "But I'd prefer it Papa helped me instead."
"Well, why don't we wait until he gets home, then we can both help you with it?" She tried.
"It's okay, I think my projects turn out a lot better when Papa helps." I said. I ate the last bite of my sandwich and leapt down from the table. I put my plate in the sink and went to my room to get started, never seeing the hurt look on my mothers face.
"So you see, my little one, the first Sith lord, once the betrayer, became the betrayed. He was murdered by his own colleagues, but then they later destroyed themselves. History tells us that within a few weeks, all of them were dead. Except for one."
"Darth Bane," I supplied, and my father smiled.
"See, you know this well enough yourself. I think your project will turn out very well." He reached up on my bed and pulled down my chemistry bookplate. "Your sciences, however, could use some help."
I groaned, and nodded. "He expects us to turn in a three-page essay describing the nucleus of an atom," I said. "He forgets that we're only six years old, not teenagers. Arkna couldn't even do this."
Papa chuckled. "You're a bright girl, Callista." he said. "And it'll bring you so much when you get older. You could be a doctor, or if you study, even--" he waved the bookplate in his hand. "--a nuclear physicist."
I wrinkled my nose. "Nah...I want to be a Jedi. Use a lightsaber, travel the galaxy...that'd be so wizard!"
"I know, Callie, but you have to be able to use the Force to be a Jedi."
"I know. But it'd be cool, though. But for now, I have to do this stupid science."
"All the more reason for my help." He said. "Actually, your mother is better with chemistry than I ever was."
I sighed. "But Papa, I want you to help me. You're my hero, Papa...I love you more than anything else in the galaxy."
"But Callie, it hurts your mother when you don't want to have anything to do with her. It makes her think you don't love her."
I stuffed my bookplates into my satchel. "But I do love her, Papa. Really, I do."
"Good. Why don't you spend some quality time with her tomorrow at your lifeday party? It'd mean a lot to her, I know."
"Okay, Papa."
"Lissy! Josef!" My mother called from the hallway. "Bedtime!" She appeared in my doorway. My father's eyes lit up. He always loved her so much.
"Hello, dear," he said, standing up to kiss her.
Mama smiled. "It's time for you bookworms to pack it in. Lissy needs her rest."
Papa came over to me and picked me up in his arms, twirling me around and hurling me lightly onto my bed. "Better do what your mother says, Angel!" I squealed and wrapped my arms around Papa's neck.
"Good-night, Papa," I said.
"Good-night, Callista. And think...tomorrow, you'll be seven years old!" He kissed me and turned off my lamp. Mama kissed me too, and I rolled over and closed my eyes.
My parents left the room. I saw their shadows playing on the wall, my mother leaning against Papa, and I could hear their voices in the hall, quiet and unaware that I was listening:
"I don't know why she hates me so, Brigam."
"She doesn't hate you, Kara. She's seven years old. Give her time."
"Ha!" I jabbed my lightsaber through the chest of the holographic creature--a Tusken Raider from Tatooine, Uncle Claine had said. The toy lightsaber and target had been his lifeday present to me. He knew my dream of being a Jedi, and encouraged it, even though my parents cautioned him about giving me "false hope."
I turned in a circle and raised my arms above my head. "What do you think, Jeebie?" Jeebie, sprawled lazily on my bed, perked his ears as if I'd said something interesting.
Everybody was down on the beach, celebrating my lifeday. Papa had suggested that I stay behind and make amends with Mama. I had made her a bracelet from seashells that I had found in the caves in the cliffs. She was in the fresher, cleaning up. She would be out in a few moments.
I jabbed at the rancor and the holographic monster roared in pain and disappeared.
But the cry remained. Intensified. I couldn't hear it, but it was there inside my head. It hurt...hurt like a splash of near-frozen water. Jeebie howled mournfully, hearing it too.
Then it was gone, as quickly as if it had never been.
I straightened, gasping. The silence the scream had left behind was palpable, terrifying. I became very scared, somehow knowing what was wrong. "M--Mama?" I said, trembling. "Mama...are you okay?" I tiptoed to the refresher, and gingerly prodded the controls until the door slid aside.
And gasped.
Mama was sprawled on the floor, her black hair fanned around her like a shroud, a tiny blue bottle clenched in one hand. Her chest rose and fell in short, labored gasps as she tried to breathe. Her eyes stared straight ahead, not moving, unfocused.
"Mama!" I shrieked, and dropped to me knees beside her. I put my hands under her shoulders and tried to lift her, but she was already dead weight. "Mama," I said through my tears, knowing instinctively that she was dying. "Why?"
"Lissy..." she whispered, her weak hand finding mine. "Lissy, my sweet--ahh!" She winced as the poison ate at her insides.
"Mama, please! Don't die, please Mama...Why did you do this?"
"Because...because I love you." Her hand tightened in mine, for just a moment before she lost the strength. "Lissy..." she rasped, one shaking hand going to touch my face. "Promise me...when your time comes, join me on the other side. Promise me."
I sniffed, my tears dripping onto her face. "I promise, Mama. I will, I promise."
Mama exhaled one more time, then laid still. In shock, I dropped her and she hit the floor with a resounding thud. I backed away on my hands and feet until I hit the wall. Then I just sat there, rocking back and forth, hugging my knees and hyperventilating.
I don't know how long I sat there, staring at my mother's corpse, her blank eyes and waxy skin. But it had to have been a long time because Papa eventually came to the house to check on us. He found us on the refresher floor, unmoved from the positions we'd been in at the beginning. He stifled a cry of shock and alarm, and stumbled back. Collecting himself, he stood up straight. "Claine," he said into the living room, his voice shaking. "Call a medic."
He held his hand out to me. "Come here, Lissy. Don't look at her, come here."
It took me several breaths to remember how my legs worked, then I got shakily to my feet and retreated into his arms. He covered my eyes and led me away. I heard the shrieks of my sisters when they saw her, and their horrified sobs. Josef came up on the porch and sat next to me, putting his arms around me in comfort, and needing comfort himself.
I sat in silence, rocking back and forth in shock, watching the lights approach and the sirens grow louder.
A lot of people came to Mama's funeral. Everyone liked her, and were really sad when she died. Of course, Papa wouldn't tell anyone why she died, or even how, no matter how hard they pressed. He didn't like the idea of her suicide, but he knew just as well as I did why she'd done it.
The funeral was on the cliff by our house. Mama's coffin was small and shimmery lavender. I stood between Josef and Maya, behind Papa. The coffin shone in front of us like a wicked idol.
"Kara Nogati will always be remembered as a loving mother, beloved wife, and compassionate friend. Her spirit was taken from this life, but it does not mean her deeds will be forgotten. She will live on in each of you, with memories and love."
I contemplated that. Yes, I thought. She will be with me forever.
The priest finished his sermon and closed his little brown book. Papa, Uncle Claine, Uncle Dro, and Grandpa Nogati stepped forward and lifted the coffin off its pedestal. They marched solemnly to the edge of the cliff. Papa bowed his head. "Kara Nogati, we commend your body and your soul to the seas. May the waves carry your memories forever."
They heaved Mama's coffin into the clear, dark water below. I closed my eyes just before they let go. Beside me, Maya started to cry. I sniffed. Deep down, I knew why Mama had done this. Looking at the faces of my family, I could see that they knew it, too.
That night, we ate a dinner Mama's friend Elly had made for us, but none of us were very hungry. Still, we ate in silence; the only sound was the scraping of forks on plates. I stared at my plate, never raising my eyes, though I felt the furtive gazes of my family on me, one at a time. I wondered what the thoughts that propelled those eyes were.
Finally, Papa broke the silence. "I spoke with your Uncle Claine today," He finished a mouthful of stew, wiped his mouth. "He's taking to the high seas next season, along the Algic Current. He's asked me to come along to help."
"What did you tell him?" Maya asked quietly.
"I told him we would join him."
Arkna choked. "What?!"
"This house is difficult to maintain as it is. With your mother gone, it'll be damn near impossible. With Claine, we have a place to live, and I have a good job."
"What about school?" I asked. I didn't like the idea of having to leave my friends.
Papa shook his head. "Maya will teach you from now on. I'm sorry about this, kids. But I really think this is the best course of action."
Before I went to bed, I peeked into Arkna's bedroom. She was laying on her bed, tear-stained face staring out the window. It was beginning to storm outside, and lightning illuminated the night sky sporadically. Maya sat beside her, talking soothingly and stroking her hair.
"Arkna?" I asked quietly.
Arkna sat up and glared at me. "What do you want?" Even in the darkness, I could see the animosity in her eyes, and it scared me. She stood up and walked toward me, and I noticed the same look in Maya's eyes as she approached me as well.
"I--I just wanted to say good-night," I stammered, taking a step back.
Arkna grabbed my arms. "Why?" She demanded, her voice growing louder. "You never said good-night to Mama, did you? And now she's dead. It's your fault, you know. You were always such a little beast to her! And look at us now. We're four kids with no mother, all because of you. It's all your fault!" She shook me violently, and I fell on my back.
"I'm sorry! I didn't know! I didn't know!" I shrieked, covering my head. "Please, don't hurt me!"
"That's right, all you care about is yourself!" Arkna shouted, and slapped me so hard I saw stars. "You killed her!" Her voice reached the stars with its fury.
"What the hell are you doing!" We all looked up to see Papa staring in the doorway. Josef cowered behind his leg, confused by what he was seeing. Papa looked at Arkna. "Arkna, get away from her, and do not ever hit your sister again. Is that clear?"
"Yes, Papa." She said, glaring at me as she backed away.
"There is no one to blame for what happened to your mother. Do you understand? No one is at fault."
"Yes, Papa." We all said.
"Callista, get up and go to bed. Maya, Arkna, if I ever catch you ganging up on her again, you will learn the true meaning of punishment."
I did as I was told, getting to my feet and rubbing the red handprint on my cheek. I kept my eyes on the floor until I passed my father, and then I looked up. From the way he looked at me, I knew he didn't completely believe what he'd said about who was at fault.
He knew the truth, just like the rest of us.
Dedication: This story is dedicated to my dear friend Cassidy Austin. May you live forever in the hearts of those who loved you most.
Mergirl: Callista's Story
By Ambassador Cara Jade
Part 1: Child fits mother
"I ran and I ran...
I'm still running today..."
Mergirl, by Madonna
My name is Callista, and in less than two seconds, I will be dead.
Not that it matters, really. Geith and Kara are dead, too. Under normal circumstances, I'd be joining them on the other side. The sad truth is that I'll never cross over, because I didn't destroy the ship. Moments ago, I climbed this Force-forsaken shaft to the central computer, the mainframe of this monolithic horror, the Eye of Palpatine.
Now, because of the enclision grid, one leg is dangling like a slab of charred meat from my hip, and my shoulders have no flesh across them. I'm definitely going to die.
I thought I could overload the computer, but...something went wrong. The Will knows so much. It's like a disgusting, malevolent demon, taunting me, jeering me, playing a maddening cat-and-mouse game with me. It knew what I was going to do, and it...made it not happen. It made me fail.
I have no idea what I'm going to do. I can't even think anymore. I'm tired...so tired...can it just end now? How much longer is this torment going to last?
Now...
Now the ship shudders violently, and sparks fly all around me. I've crippled something. But not the guns. Not the guns, the most crucial part that had to be destroyed, if nothing else. They still work, by some terrible miracle.
I lose my faltering grip on the holds and I fall. From experience I know it's over thirteen meters to the deck floor. That's enough to kill me, even if my wounds were not.
The enclision grids start firing on me again, as if more damage must be inflicted. It's like beating a dead cy'een. One of the lasers must have hit my spine, because suddenly I can't feel my legs anymore. It's getting harder to see, harder to hear. All I see is flashes of light and showers of sparks. All I hear are distant rumblings and the rushing of wind.
I'm still falling...It's like I'm in slow motion. The ground keeps getting closer, and closer, the grillwork of the deck larger and more detailed...
There's a place in my mind where I can see my whole life, pure and in perfect detail. I want to hide there, spend the rest of my life in the painful memories of the last twenty-two years, or in a fantasy world where Mama was still alive, where Geith and Kara were still alive, where Palpatine never existed and where the Jedi were never killed.
But I keep coming back here, to this, the last place I will ever live. Here, in reality, I'm still hurting, still remembering and regretting and wishing...
And I'm still falling...
I was born Callista Galexi Nogati, eighteen years before the purges began. I was the only child in the Nogati family gifted with the Force, so I have no idea where I got it. I just knew that I was different, special somehow.
My family was happy; I had a brother and two older sisters, two parents. My father was my best friend. We were amazingly close, and every time I needed help or someone to talk to, I always went to him. I think it hurt my mother more than I ever knew, or cared to think about. That's when things started. I was six, and it was almost my seventh lifeday. My father had gone out to see Uncle Claine's new ranching ark and my sisters were at school, leaving me and Josef at home with Mama.
My little brother Josef and I went to play on the beach. We stood knee-deep in the surf, throwing a ball back and forth. I threw it hard, and Josef dove under the water to get it. As he did, another wave rolled over him. He stood up, sputtering. "You did that on purpose!" he shouted.
I was laughing so hard I couldn't answer. He ran and tackled me, knocking us both into the water. We wrestled until we were beyond breathless.
"Kids!" Mama called for us from out little beach house. "Time for lunch!"
Josef and I jumped up with a cheer, realizing how hungry we were. We raced for the house, kicking up sad behind us like the wake of water behind the boat. I made it through the door first, and tagged the wall. "I win! I win!"
"You...always...win!" Josef wheezed.
"Well, I'm older. Of course I always win!"
"Mom!"
"Come on, you two." Mama said, tossing her black braid over her shoulder and setting out plates on the table.
"Hello, children," our housedroid, T-402 greeted us. "I prepared your favorite today: shrimp sandwiches."
"YAY!" we cheered and sat down. T put our plates in front of us, then disappeared to do the laundry. We ate like ravenous wystohs. We were both finished in less than five minutes.
"Well, you two certainly were hungry. It must be from all that running around on the beach," she said. Then the sound of the front door closing made us all look to the foyer. My teenage sisters, Maya and Arkna, walked in. "What are you two doing home this early?" Mama asked, using that motherly tone.
"That moron!" Arkna said in disbelief. "I studied for that test all week last week, and Mr. Churcin had the nerve to give me a D plus. What gives?"
"He's probably a speciesist." Maya said. "He is a Calamarian."
"I take it your physics exam didn't go so well?" Mama said, raising her eyebrows. Arkna sighed. "I know, I know. It's never the teacher's fault. Only mine, despite the fact that I studied for that stupid test all kriffin' week--"
"And watch your language, young lady! Anyway, it is your fault because if I remember correctly, you didn't study at all. You spent the entire week with that boyfriend of yours."
Josef and I snickered behind our hands. Arkna glared at us.
"Anyway, you shouldn't be so hard on Mr. Churcin. You know how hard it is for nonhumans to find decent jobs these days."
"Mom!" Arkna huffed.
"No more from you. You're grounded for a week, which means no leaving the house!"
Arkna rolled her eyes.
"I saw that. Do you want to make it two?" Mama said, standing up.
Arkna looked at the floor. "No." she said sullenly.
"All right then. Now you two come have something to eat before you go back to school. Heaven only knows what they feed you there."
That's how Mama always was. She couldn't stay angry at us for long. My mooka, Jeebie, jumped into my lap with a whine. I patted his head and poked a piece of shrimp at his nose, and he snatched it from my fingers with a wag of his tale.
"Lissy," my mother warned. She hated it when I fed Jeebie from the table. The mooka leapt out of my lap and pattered to my room.
We ate in silence for a few moments, but I was never one for quiet. "When does Papa get home?" I asked.
"He should be back in a couple of hours," Mama answered. "Why, what do you need?"
"He said he'd help me with my history assignment." I said. "I don't know much about the rise and fall of the Sith Order."
Mama smiled. "I can help you with that, Lissy. I'm fairly good when it comes to Galactic history."
"Thanks, Mama," I said. "But I'd prefer it Papa helped me instead."
"Well, why don't we wait until he gets home, then we can both help you with it?" She tried.
"It's okay, I think my projects turn out a lot better when Papa helps." I said. I ate the last bite of my sandwich and leapt down from the table. I put my plate in the sink and went to my room to get started, never seeing the hurt look on my mothers face.
"So you see, my little one, the first Sith lord, once the betrayer, became the betrayed. He was murdered by his own colleagues, but then they later destroyed themselves. History tells us that within a few weeks, all of them were dead. Except for one."
"Darth Bane," I supplied, and my father smiled.
"See, you know this well enough yourself. I think your project will turn out very well." He reached up on my bed and pulled down my chemistry bookplate. "Your sciences, however, could use some help."
I groaned, and nodded. "He expects us to turn in a three-page essay describing the nucleus of an atom," I said. "He forgets that we're only six years old, not teenagers. Arkna couldn't even do this."
Papa chuckled. "You're a bright girl, Callista." he said. "And it'll bring you so much when you get older. You could be a doctor, or if you study, even--" he waved the bookplate in his hand. "--a nuclear physicist."
I wrinkled my nose. "Nah...I want to be a Jedi. Use a lightsaber, travel the galaxy...that'd be so wizard!"
"I know, Callie, but you have to be able to use the Force to be a Jedi."
"I know. But it'd be cool, though. But for now, I have to do this stupid science."
"All the more reason for my help." He said. "Actually, your mother is better with chemistry than I ever was."
I sighed. "But Papa, I want you to help me. You're my hero, Papa...I love you more than anything else in the galaxy."
"But Callie, it hurts your mother when you don't want to have anything to do with her. It makes her think you don't love her."
I stuffed my bookplates into my satchel. "But I do love her, Papa. Really, I do."
"Good. Why don't you spend some quality time with her tomorrow at your lifeday party? It'd mean a lot to her, I know."
"Okay, Papa."
"Lissy! Josef!" My mother called from the hallway. "Bedtime!" She appeared in my doorway. My father's eyes lit up. He always loved her so much.
"Hello, dear," he said, standing up to kiss her.
Mama smiled. "It's time for you bookworms to pack it in. Lissy needs her rest."
Papa came over to me and picked me up in his arms, twirling me around and hurling me lightly onto my bed. "Better do what your mother says, Angel!" I squealed and wrapped my arms around Papa's neck.
"Good-night, Papa," I said.
"Good-night, Callista. And think...tomorrow, you'll be seven years old!" He kissed me and turned off my lamp. Mama kissed me too, and I rolled over and closed my eyes.
My parents left the room. I saw their shadows playing on the wall, my mother leaning against Papa, and I could hear their voices in the hall, quiet and unaware that I was listening:
"I don't know why she hates me so, Brigam."
"She doesn't hate you, Kara. She's seven years old. Give her time."
"Ha!" I jabbed my lightsaber through the chest of the holographic creature--a Tusken Raider from Tatooine, Uncle Claine had said. The toy lightsaber and target had been his lifeday present to me. He knew my dream of being a Jedi, and encouraged it, even though my parents cautioned him about giving me "false hope."
I turned in a circle and raised my arms above my head. "What do you think, Jeebie?" Jeebie, sprawled lazily on my bed, perked his ears as if I'd said something interesting.
Everybody was down on the beach, celebrating my lifeday. Papa had suggested that I stay behind and make amends with Mama. I had made her a bracelet from seashells that I had found in the caves in the cliffs. She was in the fresher, cleaning up. She would be out in a few moments.
I jabbed at the rancor and the holographic monster roared in pain and disappeared.
But the cry remained. Intensified. I couldn't hear it, but it was there inside my head. It hurt...hurt like a splash of near-frozen water. Jeebie howled mournfully, hearing it too.
Then it was gone, as quickly as if it had never been.
I straightened, gasping. The silence the scream had left behind was palpable, terrifying. I became very scared, somehow knowing what was wrong. "M--Mama?" I said, trembling. "Mama...are you okay?" I tiptoed to the refresher, and gingerly prodded the controls until the door slid aside.
And gasped.
Mama was sprawled on the floor, her black hair fanned around her like a shroud, a tiny blue bottle clenched in one hand. Her chest rose and fell in short, labored gasps as she tried to breathe. Her eyes stared straight ahead, not moving, unfocused.
"Mama!" I shrieked, and dropped to me knees beside her. I put my hands under her shoulders and tried to lift her, but she was already dead weight. "Mama," I said through my tears, knowing instinctively that she was dying. "Why?"
"Lissy..." she whispered, her weak hand finding mine. "Lissy, my sweet--ahh!" She winced as the poison ate at her insides.
"Mama, please! Don't die, please Mama...Why did you do this?"
"Because...because I love you." Her hand tightened in mine, for just a moment before she lost the strength. "Lissy..." she rasped, one shaking hand going to touch my face. "Promise me...when your time comes, join me on the other side. Promise me."
I sniffed, my tears dripping onto her face. "I promise, Mama. I will, I promise."
Mama exhaled one more time, then laid still. In shock, I dropped her and she hit the floor with a resounding thud. I backed away on my hands and feet until I hit the wall. Then I just sat there, rocking back and forth, hugging my knees and hyperventilating.
I don't know how long I sat there, staring at my mother's corpse, her blank eyes and waxy skin. But it had to have been a long time because Papa eventually came to the house to check on us. He found us on the refresher floor, unmoved from the positions we'd been in at the beginning. He stifled a cry of shock and alarm, and stumbled back. Collecting himself, he stood up straight. "Claine," he said into the living room, his voice shaking. "Call a medic."
He held his hand out to me. "Come here, Lissy. Don't look at her, come here."
It took me several breaths to remember how my legs worked, then I got shakily to my feet and retreated into his arms. He covered my eyes and led me away. I heard the shrieks of my sisters when they saw her, and their horrified sobs. Josef came up on the porch and sat next to me, putting his arms around me in comfort, and needing comfort himself.
I sat in silence, rocking back and forth in shock, watching the lights approach and the sirens grow louder.
A lot of people came to Mama's funeral. Everyone liked her, and were really sad when she died. Of course, Papa wouldn't tell anyone why she died, or even how, no matter how hard they pressed. He didn't like the idea of her suicide, but he knew just as well as I did why she'd done it.
The funeral was on the cliff by our house. Mama's coffin was small and shimmery lavender. I stood between Josef and Maya, behind Papa. The coffin shone in front of us like a wicked idol.
"Kara Nogati will always be remembered as a loving mother, beloved wife, and compassionate friend. Her spirit was taken from this life, but it does not mean her deeds will be forgotten. She will live on in each of you, with memories and love."
I contemplated that. Yes, I thought. She will be with me forever.
The priest finished his sermon and closed his little brown book. Papa, Uncle Claine, Uncle Dro, and Grandpa Nogati stepped forward and lifted the coffin off its pedestal. They marched solemnly to the edge of the cliff. Papa bowed his head. "Kara Nogati, we commend your body and your soul to the seas. May the waves carry your memories forever."
They heaved Mama's coffin into the clear, dark water below. I closed my eyes just before they let go. Beside me, Maya started to cry. I sniffed. Deep down, I knew why Mama had done this. Looking at the faces of my family, I could see that they knew it, too.
That night, we ate a dinner Mama's friend Elly had made for us, but none of us were very hungry. Still, we ate in silence; the only sound was the scraping of forks on plates. I stared at my plate, never raising my eyes, though I felt the furtive gazes of my family on me, one at a time. I wondered what the thoughts that propelled those eyes were.
Finally, Papa broke the silence. "I spoke with your Uncle Claine today," He finished a mouthful of stew, wiped his mouth. "He's taking to the high seas next season, along the Algic Current. He's asked me to come along to help."
"What did you tell him?" Maya asked quietly.
"I told him we would join him."
Arkna choked. "What?!"
"This house is difficult to maintain as it is. With your mother gone, it'll be damn near impossible. With Claine, we have a place to live, and I have a good job."
"What about school?" I asked. I didn't like the idea of having to leave my friends.
Papa shook his head. "Maya will teach you from now on. I'm sorry about this, kids. But I really think this is the best course of action."
Before I went to bed, I peeked into Arkna's bedroom. She was laying on her bed, tear-stained face staring out the window. It was beginning to storm outside, and lightning illuminated the night sky sporadically. Maya sat beside her, talking soothingly and stroking her hair.
"Arkna?" I asked quietly.
Arkna sat up and glared at me. "What do you want?" Even in the darkness, I could see the animosity in her eyes, and it scared me. She stood up and walked toward me, and I noticed the same look in Maya's eyes as she approached me as well.
"I--I just wanted to say good-night," I stammered, taking a step back.
Arkna grabbed my arms. "Why?" She demanded, her voice growing louder. "You never said good-night to Mama, did you? And now she's dead. It's your fault, you know. You were always such a little beast to her! And look at us now. We're four kids with no mother, all because of you. It's all your fault!" She shook me violently, and I fell on my back.
"I'm sorry! I didn't know! I didn't know!" I shrieked, covering my head. "Please, don't hurt me!"
"That's right, all you care about is yourself!" Arkna shouted, and slapped me so hard I saw stars. "You killed her!" Her voice reached the stars with its fury.
"What the hell are you doing!" We all looked up to see Papa staring in the doorway. Josef cowered behind his leg, confused by what he was seeing. Papa looked at Arkna. "Arkna, get away from her, and do not ever hit your sister again. Is that clear?"
"Yes, Papa." She said, glaring at me as she backed away.
"There is no one to blame for what happened to your mother. Do you understand? No one is at fault."
"Yes, Papa." We all said.
"Callista, get up and go to bed. Maya, Arkna, if I ever catch you ganging up on her again, you will learn the true meaning of punishment."
I did as I was told, getting to my feet and rubbing the red handprint on my cheek. I kept my eyes on the floor until I passed my father, and then I looked up. From the way he looked at me, I knew he didn't completely believe what he'd said about who was at fault.
He knew the truth, just like the rest of us.