Okita: The First
Chizuru sighed and rested against the wall, a dirty rag in her hand. Lately, everyone had been so busy, fighting for the things they'd held so dear for so long, and it chafed that she was always left behind with nothing much to contribute. She sighed again, looking at the ceiling.
"At least they're out having fun."
Earlier that evening, Okita, Shinpachi and Heisuke had managed to convince everyone to go out for drinks. They'd even managed to drag Hijikata and Saitou along. Chizuru stifled a laugh as she remembered the way Okita had teased Hijikata, and Harada even joined in, reminding them all of the way things used to be. It was a hard battle, but they'd won out in the end. They'd even invited her, insisting that they couldn't leave her behind, but the truth was just that Chizuru didn't feel up to celebrating anything, even if it meant having fun with some of her closest friends.
The truth was, the longer she stayed with the Shinsengumi, the more Chizuru became aware of just how much she couldn't help them. She wasn't a fighter, she couldn't go out on patrols with them. She couldn't stand next to them in battle. She could barely help out with medical care. A deep sadness started to settle over her heart, but she did her best to fight it off. She would do what she could, even if that just meant keeping their quarters clean and their clothes mended and food ready for them.
Slowly, Chizuru made her way down the empty halls, thinking about how this was the quietest the place had been since they first moved in. She didn't like it. It made her shake to her very core with a fear that her world would always be this quiet, and with hurried steps, Chizuru sought out the cool of the night air to calm her nerves. When she opened the door to the courtyard, a rush of cool air greeted her, and she filled her lungs and purged the bad feelings from her body. She stood for a few minutes, her eyes closed and face turned toward the moon, waiting for the shaking to stop.
"You look like you could use some company."
Chizuru screamed, hand over her heart, as she stumbled backward, dropping the rag she'd been holding. In her rush to get outside and calm her nerves, he hadn't realized the courtyard was occupied. Okita was smiling at her from where he sat under a cherry blossom tree, a bottle of sake next to him.
"I'm sorry," she stumbled, bowing clumsily. "I didn't mean to disturb you. I just…"
Okita silenced her with a warm smile, raising his cup to her before taking a sip.
"Sake tastes so much better when you drink with good company," he said, patting the spot next to him.
Hesitantly, Chizuru moved to sit next to him, doing her best to still her heart. A light breeze ruffled the blossoms, sending petals floating around them. Mostly to distract herself, and partly from a fragment of a childhood memory, Chizuru reached out, trying to grab the tiny blossoms. With a speed she couldn't even imagine, Okita's hand shot out, and his fist closed on a single blossom. When he opened his hand, the blossom was perfect and uncrushed, resting on his palm. He smiled at her, such an unguarded, beautiful smile of peace, and Chizuru couldn't do anything to stop the heat from rushing to her cheeks.
"Thank you," she whispered.
Okita put his hand on her head, something he'd done several time before, but this time, there was something different in the gesture. There was a new weight and tenderness to it that she wasn't expecting. Okita produced another cup and poured sake into it, handing her the cup, and she accepted it with a quiet thank you. They settled into silence.
"I wish I could stop time and just live in this moment," Okita said after a few minutes. "Just…good sake and good company."
Chizuru blushed and tried to look away. She was hardly doing anything worthy of being considered 'good company.' She'd even intruded on his privacy, and he'd probably felt obligated to invite her to sit and stay. She sipped her sake, just for something to do. She tried to pretend that Okita wasn't watching her.
"I thought you were enjoying your time with everyone."
Okita shrugged. "It was more for everyone else. Besides, it doesn't feel right leaving you out. I've gotten so used to having you near me."
He poured more sake into their cups, and Chizuru tried to make herself small. Okita must have thought she was cold, because he scooted closer to her, and she was deeply aware of the heat of his body against her, warming her. Chizuru took a deeper sip of her drink, afraid to let her thoughts wonder too far down impossible roads. He was a member of the Shinsengumi. He had his duty to think about, and the war. There couldn't be room for her, no matter what silly girlish fantasies she could come up with.
"I haven't been able to do anything for you. I'm always getting in the way."
Okita turned slowly toward her, his eyes wide and disbelieving. She shrugged and turned away from him, feeling suddenly very foolish for all of this. She sat down her cup and tried to stand, but Okita grabbed her hand and pulled her back down. He tugged her a little more forcefully than he'd probably intended; she almost fell down on top of him, but his hands were there, steadying her. Their faces were close together, and Okita's cheeks colored slightly. If she hadn't been so close to him, she probably wouldn't have noticed.
"Have…have I ever told you my dream?" he asked quietly. "I've always wanted to settle down, you know? Get married to a woman I love and live a quiet life somewhere."
He loosened his grip at her waist, but still held onto her hand lightly. Chizuru swallowed thickly, not quite sure how she should respond. It was a beautiful dream, something so simple and fulfilling, a dream she'd thought about quite often on her own. It would be nice to settle down away from all the stress and fear of a war, to just be with the ones you loved. It was more than she dared to hope for.
"It's a beautiful dream," she said.
"You think so?"
A cloud passed in front of the moon, but it could never hide Okita's smile. The way he smiled at her then, it stirred some deep longing inside of Chizuru, a remnant from her childhood of a small clinic where she and her husband would work, treating patients of a small town, never turning away anyone, a few children helping with the daily chores. Evenings where she was exhausted, but deeply content.
She smiled at Okita as she stood. "I do."
Admission of her own dream was on the tip of her tongue, but she couldn't quite make the words come out. Instead, she mentioned how late it was, made an excuse and started to head back inside to go to bed. She must have had more to drink than she'd thought because she nearly lost her balance when she stooped to pick up her cleaning rag.
"Let me help you," Okita said with a slight laugh. He gathered up the sake bottles and the cups and came to her, wrapping his arm around her waist. "We'll support each other, eh?"
They walked in silence through the hallways, Okita guiding her to her room, Chizuru doing her best not to look up at him as he absently began to hum some half remembered tune. It felt too surreal to be true, as if they were the only two people in the whole place. Slowly, Chizuru let herself lean against Okita, and he tightened his arm around her waist. It felt normal. Comfortable.
Too soon, they were in front of her door, and even though she felt more stable, Okita's hand lingered at her waist. When he finally did move, taking a few steps back, she was keenly aware of his warmth moving away from her, and she wrapped her arms around herself. She would not feel sad. She would not.
"Make sure you get some rest," Okita said, his voice quiet. Private. "Would you like some water? I can get it for you."
"No, I wouldn't want to trouble you."
"It wouldn't be any trouble at all." Okita took one step forward. Then another. "Not for you."
She looked up, about to make another small protest, when he leaned down and his lips touched hers. Very gently at first, almost a fleeting thing, but then more insistently. She could feel the weight and the heat of him pressing against her, and something deep in the pit of her stomach stirred, longing to return the touch in an almost desperate way. It almost scared her. Heart pounding in her chest, blood thundering in her ears, Chizuru felt sure that she would faint at any moment. But Okita was there, firm and solid, and all too soon, he seemed to be pulling away, and as he moved back, her body moved on its own, rocking forward, trying to savor every last bit of everything that was him. He was gone for only a few seconds that seemed like forever, his brows furrowed as if he was slightly confused. She stared deep into his eyes, wondering if he was feeling the same torrent of emotion that she was. The tips of her fingers and toes tingled, and she gingerly touched her lips. She blinked slowly, noted the way Okita watched her heaving chest.
When he came toward her again, she was more than ready, taking a half step to meet him. He placed one hand under her chin and the other at her waist, his hands strong and unyielding, and he stepped closer to her, almost pinning her against the door to her room, his hand caressing her jaw. This kiss left no room for doubt in her heart, and there was a great swelling in her chest that was impossible to ignore. In that moment, he owned more of her than it seemed possible to own. Chizuru placed her hands on Okita's chest, trying to steady herself, and when her knees seemed too weak to support her weight, Okita had both hands at her waist, pulling her flush against him. His lips were soft, and she could still faintly taste the sake on them, and she felt intoxicated all over again.
Chizuru sighed against him, and that tiny noise seemed to have broken the spell. Okita's eyes snapped open, and he pulled away suddenly, leaving her breathless and dizzy, her entire body on fire. She tried to bite the inside of her cheeks to keep from smiling, but nothing would stop the color from radiating outward from her heart. There was no way her face wasn't red as the setting sun. At least she wasn't the only one panting and breathless. A small voice in the back of her head said that she shouldn't notice the way Okita's tongue darted out to like his lips, the way he blinked slowly, as if he was trying to compose himself.
"I…" His voice was tight and strained. He shook his head to clear it. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be so forward."
Okita turned to leave, and everything inside Chizuru screamed at her to stop him, to call him back. She couldn't let him leave. Not now.
"I wouldn't mind…" Her voice was much louder than she'd expected it to be, and hopefully not to shrill. "That life you described. I wouldn't mind being… For someone like you, I wouldn't mind being a wife and mother."
Okita stopped abruptly, freezing like a statue. "Are you sure?"
"I've dreamt something similar before."
When he turned around, there was relief on Okita's face, and a bright, beautiful smile. This time, there was no hesitation and Chizuru met him halfway, almost flinging herself at him, and his kiss was passionate and almost frenzied, his lips firm against hers, and her legs almost gave out again as he placed his hand at the back of her neck, holding her to him. When she felt him run his tongue gently along her bottom lip, the dam of longing inside her broke, and she clutched him desperately, never wanting this embrace to end, always finding that there was too much space between them. Okita smiled against her lips, and the torrent started again in the pit of her stomach, churning a thousand emotions, many of which made her blush with their passion and desire.
They stumbled backwards, hands groping, hers clumsily, his expertly, sometimes gently, sometimes roughly, always designed to drive her mad. When her back hit the door to her room, Okita pulled away, and the question was there, plainly, on his face. Whatever happened next was her choice.
"Okita…"
He smiled gently at her, his head tilted slightly to the side, and he placed his hand on her cheek. He gently ran his calloused thumb over her lips, and for a moment tears threatened to come to her eyes. Their world was full of turmoil and uncertainty, but even then her time with the Shensengumi had been punctuated with moments of pure happiness. She would always look back on these years, and this moment, and think of the people she loved fondly. The deep swelling in her heart, the longing for him that had made her body tingle, whispered to her a promise that she would not regret opening her heart to him. No matter what happened outside of this night, she would not regret it.
"I want to share your dream," Chizuru said to him. Her voice was strong. She did not waver.
Okita let out a breath she hadn't realized he'd been holding, and the look on his face was pure, beautiful joy, unfettered by the burdens of wars and lives lost and lives that needed protecting. Reaching behind her, hands shaking, Chizuru opened the door to her room. She took one step into it. Then another. Okita's lopsided smile stirred something much lower than her heart, and he looked down the hallways before following her inside and closing the door behind him. They were bathed in the pale light of the moon, making all of the colors muted, but Okita seemed to stand out in her mind as he moved toward her with long graceful strides. He reached up and undid the cord that bound her hair, gently running his fingers through it as it fell about her shoulders.
He smiled at her softly, his eyes more tender than she'd ever seen them before, and feeling bold, Chizuru stepped toward him, standing on the tips of her toes as she reached for him. It was as bold as she'd ever dared to be, and Okita met her halfway, grabbing a fistful of her hair as he tilted her head back. Each kiss had increased in passion, and this one had to be the pinnacle. It was hard to imagine something more intimate than his mouth opening to hers, his hand exploring her waist, seeking out the ties that kept her clothes closed, and this time, when his tongue ran across her lips, she was unable to stop that small moan or keep her knees from buckling. But Okita was there, his hand slipping down to her butt, gripping her and pulling her closer to him. She hadn't even realized he'd undone her belt, and her clothes were slightly open.
She'd been wrong about his kisses. It was possible for them to get more passionate. They trailed from her mouth to her jaw and down her neck, his hot tongue darting out to touch her, her knees getting weaker and weaker.
"Are you sure?" he asked, his voice a deep rumble in his chest.
Four times she tried to respond, to tell him that it was what she wanted more than anything, and four times her voice failed her, her entire body too overwhelmed to push out what it needed. With one final sweet kiss, Okita pulled back. He looked incredibly disappointed, but he nodded, accepting what he thought was her decision. Chizuru swallowed thickly, nodding frantically as she reached for him, her shirt sliding off her shoulders, and she pulled him back to her.
"Yes," she whispered hoarsely. "Yes. Please. Yes."
Okita chuckled, renewing his kisses with even more passion, sliding his hands inside her shirt, touching her bare skin in a way that made her whimper. She could barely breathe as they sank slowly to the floor, and he nudged the fabric off her shoulder with his nose, gently biting her shoulder. He pulled back to look at her, and Chizuru felt suddenly ashamed of her nakedness, not used to being so exposed. She felt hot under his gaze, blushing past her shoulders as his eyes travelled from her face down the lines of her neck, across her shoulders until he finally stopped at her heaving chest. He licked his lips.
"Would it make you feel better if I had on less?"
He didn't wait for her to answer, and it felt so incredibly wrong to watch him undress. The way his hands moved swiftly and efficiently, the way his muscles honed with hours of spear practice flexed with each movement. She'd seen him without his shirt before, but not like this. He crawled forward, gently nudging her to lay back, pulling her pants off and leaving her completely naked. She shivered as his hand trailed lightly up her leg, stopping to grip her hip firmly, his mouth at her neck again, kissing, nipping, quickly making his way lower until he had a nipple in his mouth. Chizuru bit down on her wrist, afraid of making too much noise, not understanding how such a little thing could send lighting down her spine, and she arched into him as he sucked and drew circles with his tongue. Then he switched, and she bucked against him, a tiny spasm taking over, and Okita let out a low growl that sent her mind to forbidden, inappropriate places.
Okita's mind was clearly already in those places, his kisses becoming quick as he made his way ever downward, and she sat up on her elbows, not sure what he was about to do as he buried himself between her legs and she gasped deeply, falling back against the floor as he did things she didn't even know were possible. His tongue dipped inside of her, curling and reaching, touching sensitive places that made her quiver. She took in deep, gasping breaths, but it never was enough, and she bucked against him as he found just the right spot, licking and sucking, and it was becoming harder and harder to keep quiet. He kissed the inside of her thigh, trailing his tongue lightly back to her center, and when she bucked against him, harder than before, releasing a quiet moan, he gripped her hips, pinning her to the floor.
It was like a wave crashing into her, or the tide catching her feet and pulling her further out to sea. It made her dizzy and faint, and she thrashed about as Okita slipped a finger inside her, curling it as if he was beckoning that her to follow him down a forbidden path, and his name came out of her like a whisper, like a prayer. She squeezed her eyes tightly closed and tears poured out as Okita quickened his pace, sensing that she was on the edge of something magnificent, and when the wave finally caught her, she didn't fight it, spreading her arms and letting it take her where it would, fully giving in and following Okita's beckoning, letting him lead her down this beautiful path.
When she could finally open her eyes again, Okita was looking at her with a soft, very satisfied look. He gave her a little lopsided smile, and she resisted the urge to look away. She licked her lips, taking a deep breath as Okita wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and something inside of her came undone. Chizuru reached out to him, and he came to her without hesitation, laying down on top of her, covering her body with his. She ran her hands through his hair and kissed his cheeks as the waves of pleasure receded and her breathing returned to normal. It was too soon for it to be over, though, and hesitantly, she tugged at his pants.
"Chizuru, I—"
She cut him off with a kiss, pressing herself against him, finding that she enjoyed the way he moaned as he rolled his hips into her, and this time, it was her hand in his hair, her kiss desperate. She didn't want this evening to end. She didn't want the others to return, for reality to intrude on this moment. She clutched at his back with her leg thrown over his hip, and he was panting as he thrust his hips against her, and her hands were instantly at his pants again, because she wanted all of him.
"Okita, please…"
Together they rid him of his pants, panting frantically, their bodies tingling with excitement. He slipped a hand between her legs, repeating what he'd done earlier, and this time she was ready for him, rolling her hips to meet him, wanting more of him, always more of him.
"Promise me that you'll tell me if it hurts," he said.
Chizuru nodded, biting her lip, and he slowly slid into her. It was a completely different feeling than she could have imagined. It was uncomfortable and pleasant, exciting and frightening. Okita rubbed slow circles at her hip, and she could see that it was costing him a lot to remain so restrained. She wanted to tell him to let go of his control, to just make her feel as good as he had earlier, to make her feel even better.
"Relax," he whispered, his voice breathy against her neck as he began to move inside of her, in and out, slowly, and almost instantly, her body convulsed, reaching out to him. She ached, but she wanted more, she wanted everything he had to give her, and she whimpered, clawing at his back, begging for him not to stop, and he slowly increased his pace, his breath ragged as her muscles clenched around him.
Twice he tried to whisper her name, but his voice caught in his throat, and his arms quivered. Through a growing haze of pleasure, Chizuru felt a sense of pride and happiness that it was because of her that he'd lost the ability to speak, that because of her, such a strong guy was quivering as if he had been given his first spear. She rolled her hips up to meet his, and that broke him from his spell, and he placed his hands underneath her, tilting her hips as he started to push into her with more force, his fingers digging into her hips. He reached the right place inside her, and she was the one panting and quivering, losing control of her body as her eyes rolled back into her head. Any battle Okita might have been fighting to stifle his own noise was quickly forfeited, and his deep moans only drove her mad. She could feel him convulsing inside of her as her feet tingled, the start of the wave that would carry her away to bliss.
He whispered her name over and over as he leaned forward, bracing himself against the floor with one hand, the other still painfully grabbing her hip as he slammed into her, and she drug her nails down his back to keep from falling upward as that wave crashed into her. Okita kissed her roughly, trying to stifle her loud moans as her pleasure peaked, and then she wasn't sure who was trying to quiet whom, as she felt Okita's muscles twitch under her hands, felt him pulsing inside of her.
It felt like it was over too soon. Okita lay down on his back, scooping Chizuru up and laying her next to him. They lay there in the moonlight, just breathing, and Chizuru curled up closer to Okita, snuggling against him and feeling content. Part of her couldn't believe that she'd done such a thing, and she tried hard not to blush. Okita's light laughter told her that she had failed. He gently brushed a stray hair from her face and kissed her.
"Okita—"
"Souji. Please."
Chizuru smiled openly at him, feeling warm and secure with his arm around his waist.
"Souji…about your dream?"
"If we get married, then we could make both of our dreams come true, right?"
Chizuru nodded, and Okita pulled her closer to him. It was more than she dared hope for, but there should always be room for hope in your heart. She'd heard someone say that once, and she clutched to that hope, now. One day, they would make this dream come true.
A/N: First and foremost, all credit for the existence of this goes to the lovely Masayume! She's the one who introduced me to Hakuouki, and with all of her translation work, she's made it so that I can enjoy so much more of this wonderful world and it's characters (check her out on Tumblr under the same name). She's been my cheerleader, and this wouldn't exist without her egging me on.
hopefully not the last, since I have a series of this planned. Crossing my fingers that you all are pleased.