This is dedicated to Little-Caitlin, your mind has officially been blown.
And The Reason Is…
"Where the fuck are the girls? It's to god damn quite in here. They must be up to something," Xigbar grumbled to himself. He had only turned his head for like 5 minutes to catch the last few minutes of the game. When he had turned back around, all three girls had disappeared without a sound. With those three, no sound ALWAYS meant trouble. The last time it had happened, he had found two four year olds trying to pull the third's head out from where it had gotten wedged between the wall and toilet.
Hearing a small giggle coming from the direction of the kitchen, Xigbar rushed there, knowing nothing good could come from them being out of adult supervision for this long. When he finally got there, he saw only what could be described as a midget pyramid located next to the counter right next to the moogle cookie jar. As two little arms wrapped around the heavy ceramic character, Xigbar yelled, "Oi! What do you brats think you're doing!" His voice caused the child on top of the pyramid to accidently push the moogle off of the opposite edge of the counter, luckily away from her sisters as it smashed into hundreds of little pieces. "Shit!"
"Cookies!" the three exclaimed in unison as they dismantled their pyramid and went after the scattered treats.
"Freeze!" When no one listened to him, Xigbar tried again, "God damn it! I said freeze!" He commanded in a deep threatening voice.
At the sound of their father's voice, the three unholy terrors froze in their tracks, all slightly hunched over in fear, "But Daddy…"
"…we wanted cookies!"
"And we're big now!"
Unable to tell them apart, Xigbar did the next best thing. "Get into the living room while I clean this mess up," he growled as the three four year olds scampered into the living room. It dawn on him after only a few seconds that that might not have been the best idea, especially when he heard a loud crash. "Fuck," he said under his breath as he hurried into the room only to find a lamp had been knocked onto the floor, the light bulb smashed. One girl was jumping up and down on a chair, another was trying to climb up the drapes and the third was attempting to use the DVD player. however due to the fact that they all shared his jet black hair, he couldn't tell them apart.
Making his way to the closest child who was starting to bounce higher and higher, he tried to call out to her, "Rik..Sel…Yu..Sel…MIDGET!" When he only received giggles in response, he reached out and grabbed the girl around the waste, "How do you think I lost my eye!" Without putting her down, he rushed over to the girl who seemed to be dead set on an expedition up the wall, throwing her over his shoulder so that he little feet dangled in her sisters face. "What do you think you are doing? How do you think I lost my eye!"
"Eww, your foot is touching my face!" the first little girl cried.
Hearing another 'oops' coming from the direction of the entertainment center, Xigbar looked over to the last little girl who had a wide eyed look on her face, trying not to think about what the black and silver pieces belonged to. "Get away from that!" He cried, snatching her up in his free arm, "How do you think I lost my eye!"
Setting them all down on the couch he glared sternly at them and said, "Don't. Move. A Muscle. Or. Else." With an icy tone lacing his words, the girls knew that Daddy meant business. They all went instantly quiet, folding their hands in their laps and sitting up straight in a complete 180 from before.
Grabbing the phone off of the end table, the entire time not taking his eye off of the three little hellions, he dialed the number to what he hoped would be his savior.
"Hey, Zack. Is your Pops in? Damn it. Listen, I'll give you 50 bucks if you do me a few little favors. Though, I have to warn you, one of those favors might possible involve helping me look after the spawn of sin that I call my daughters." He waiting a moment as his cousin made a counter offer, "What? A hundred?!" Making a non committal noise, Xigbar knew he had no choice. "Fine, but you better make it snappy, kid."
Tifa let out a sigh as she entered her apartment. It had been a busy lunch, and she had ended up spilling an entire tray of drinks on herself. That meant that she had to come home to change her clothes instead of staying at the bar to get ready for dinner. Though, it did give her an excuse to see her babies. An odd sensation of foreboding filled her as she dropped her keys on the hallway table.
"Oh, hi Tifa," Zack said, poking his head around the corner. "Um, I, ah, was just…heading out. Yeah, that's it. Great to see you!" Giving her a peck on the cheek he swiftly made his way out, closing the door behind him.
Raising an eyebrow, she didn't question the odd behavior of the teen, making her way into the kitchen where her long term lover was sure to be. As soon as Xigbar saw her, he stood up from the table, walking over to her and leaned in for a kiss. But before their lips met, Xigbar felt a pressure at his forehead as Tifa pushed him backwards with only one finger.
"What's up with a kiss before an ass grab or titty squeeze?" Tifa questioned the 'one eyed bastard', growing more and more suspicious by the second.
"Well, we're living like an old married couple, so I thought we'd start acting like one?" he suggested without an ounce of sincerity.
Crossing her arms in disbelief, Tifa stepped back and began to tap her foot. "So, why was Zack here?"
"Um, he just wanted to see the girls?" Obviously lying wasn't one of Xigbar's best talents.
"Oh god, the girls!" Tifa grew instantly worried for the wellbeing of her three daughters. Rushing over towards their room, Tifa threw open the door to the triplet's room only to see Yuffie, Selphie, and Rikku all sound asleep on their individual floor level mattresses. Tifa let out a sigh of relief at the sight of all three girls alive and in one piece, the busty brunet made her way into the room to give each of the napping girls a kiss on the forehead. Pulling Yuffie's cover down enough, she placed a kiss on her head before moving over to Selphie's bed. Noticing something, Tifa chalked it up the poor lighting of the room before going to Riku's side. Well, NOW she knew that it wasn't just a trick of the light. Closing the door quietly behind her, Tifa took in several deep breaths as to attempt to calm her nerves.
Making her way back into the kitchen, she saw Xigbar predictably taking a swig out of a bottle of Captain Morgan.
"Xigbar, darling," Tifa said in an artificially sweet voice, startling Xigbar into jumping at the sound. "Sweetheart, tell me," cracking her knuckles for effect, she began walking slowly towards a frightened Xigbar until he was pressed against the counter and Tifa stood directly in front of him. "What happened to Selphie and Rikku's hair?"
"Well, um…" he stuttered at first before launching into a jumbled explanation. "You see, there was a cookie jar climbing the wall with glass everywhere and bouncing with the DVD player and a broken lamp!"
"What the fuck does that have to do with the fact that Selphie's hair is now brown and Rikku's is blonde, Xigbar? Blonde! You can't dye a four year olds hair!"
"But, Tifa! They were everywhere I tell you, everywhere! And none of them were listening to me when I tried to call out to them. They were just little black blurs! It's not like I can tell them apart, they all look the same! Especially when they are wreaking havoc!"
Taking in a deep breath to prevent herself from ripping Xigbar's other eye out with her bare hands, she spoke through clenched teeth. "Xigbar, we are the parents of FRATERNAL triplets. They don't look alike EXCEPT for their hair colour. How on earth can you not tell your own daughters apart?!"
Knowing that Tifa was thoroughly beyond pissed, Xigbar just continued to answer her anyway. "But all I ever see is the backs of their heads when they are climbing and jumping and destroying and utter chaos…"
Tifa's angry response was cut off by the sound of small fee padding into the kitchen. Tifa and Xigbar immediately both turned to the door where they saw their now blonde daughter standing, clutching a stuffed tonberry.
"Hi Mommy," Rikku smiled tiredly, "What are you doing home?"
"Mommy just had to come home and change her shirt, baby. Why don't you go back to sleep while I finish talking to Daddy?"
"Look what Daddy did!" As if the word Daddy reminded her, Rikku grinned, "We played hair dresser! Isn't it pretty?" Shaking her head proudly, Rikku beamed at her father.
"It is," Tifa smiled. "Now, please, go back to sleep, okay, Rikku?" She watched as the young girl nodded before skipping back towards her room. "And as for you, mister," She glared, "You may be off the hook for now, but we WILL be discussing this when I get home tonight," she threatened before stalking off to their bedroom to change.
Letting out a shuddering breath, Xigbar slid down the counter only to land on his ass on the kitchen floor, truly scare of what Tifa might do to him when she got home.
Author's Notes:
Beware this is only the first of the Xigfas that we will be writing. Another is already in process. Before anyone says anything please note that we know this is a screwed up couple, but it's so screwed up it works, and what better children to give Xigbar and Tifa than Yuffie, Selphie, and Rikku?
If you like this story please check out some of our other stories from our Family Tree Universe in our archives :) And as always, if you would like to see where the pairings and family lines came from please go view our deviant art page, http :// crymsonpahoyhoy . deviantart . com /, minus all of the spaces ;) The deviations are called FF KH Family Tree.
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