Morning smiles
like the face of a newborn child
innocent unknowing
Winter's end
promises of a long lost friend
speaks to me of comfort
but I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
here in this lonely place
tangled up in our embrace
there's nothing I'd like
better than to fall
but I fear I have nothing to give

Chapter 1

Beginnings

It's been many months and I still don't understand everything that's happened to me. I don't know if I should be grateful or hateful. I stare off into space and wonder what it's all for. Why do we have to live the lives we are given? Why can't we change to something else? I used to turn these thoughts over and over in my head during my most painful childhood moments, through my struggling adult moments, and even now, as I sit here gazing out the window. It's quiet outside, not too warm and not too cold. And I wish I could redo the last few months. They've been hell for me. I wake up and wonder everyday how I've gotten through the days so far and how I will get through the next. Some days are harder than others, yet I struggle through them all. Not that I'm alone. I'm not alone anymore. I have grown so much in these past few months. I glance down to my belly and stroke the scar from a few months ago. A scar from an event that forever changed my life. The scar marks the birth of my second child, the first child to be born. An event I thought would never happen. An event heralded by violence. An event I wished had never happened.

I was standing next to the admit desk, doing what good residents do, looking for my next patient and socializing with my fellow colleagues. Sam called to me, but it wasn't my name. I should have known. I turned my head and everything became a blur. The gunfire, so painful to recall. Trying to hide for fear of my unborn child had inadvertently caused my precarious situation. I found myself falling, falling down. Then, a rush of blood from my head. A rush of blood pooling around me, too much blood I thought to myself. My pants were covered in the thick fluid and panic reached my thoughts. I don't remember passing out, but I know I did. I couldn't bear to think of what would happen to me and my baby. Someone I never thought I would want ever in my life. And here it was, in a brief moment, about to be taken away.

I feel strong arms around me. Pulling me up, a voice calling my name. Luka. He gathered me into his arms, whispering to me. He told me everything would be okay. A pain shot through my body. A pain so strong and intense that they could only be contractions. A gasp from my lips and a whimper of tears cascaded down my face and the look Luka gave me told me everything I needed to know. My baby was in danger. My body knew it, all my reactions, but I couldn't bear to try and register it in my mind. He's picking me up off the floor and placing me on a gurney. I can't move; I'm afraid that anything else I do might jeopardize the baby even further. So Luka wheels me into the trauma room. I hear him yelling to get Dr. Coburn. Tears are starting to well up in my eyes, and for the first time, I pray. I pray to whoever controls lives in the universe to protect my baby. I make a plea, a bargain that if they only spared my child, I would make a better effort to confirm my faith in all that is holy. I don't know if the entity hears me. They're calling my name, making sure I'm in the conscious world. They bring my focus back to the task at hand. Keeping me and my baby safe. I'm not far enough along, I know this. The tears start falling from my eyes. I can see Luka, he looks frightened, but I know it's not his intention. He holds my hand and I am comforted. This is his child, a new child. A child for him to have because of what he's lost.

In some ways, Luka and I are alike. We've both lost children, only he wanted his. I, on the other hand, I didn't want mine. No, that's not right. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I wanted that first baby. Somewhere in the forefront of my mind, I knew it wouldn't be right to carry that child inside my body with no hope of a loving family. I couldn't bring that child into a life where their father might leave them and their mother might be an alcoholic and crazy. My fears, for the most part were irrational. I know that now. How many conversations have been started with if I had known then what I know now? Too many. And now, I want to start this conversation in my mind with that very same statement. I see Dr. Coburn move to my side. She tells me that she can't stop my baby from entering the world. My face crumples and my tears are no longer restrained. I grasp Luka's hand tighter as a wave of pain stretches from my back across my abdomen. The pain is so strong and I am so weak. Luka's telling me that I am being brave. That it will all be okay. As much as I want to believe him, I find it hard to have total faith in him because somewhere in the back of mind I see this as my comeuppance.

Wind in time
rapes the flower trembling on the vine
nothing yields to shelter itfrom above
they say temptation will destroy our love
the never ending hunger
but I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
here in this lonely place
tangled up in our embrace
there's nothing I'd like
better than to fall
but I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
I have nothing to give
We have so much to lose...

Background music, courtesy of Sarah McLachlan, Fear