Christmas in the Labyrinth

There are a very few things that can really drive the Goblin King mad. The first is someone beating the Labyrinth. The second is goblins that have gotten hold of a catapult and a few chickens. The third is Christmas songs that are sung by goblins 26/7 from Halloween to Easter. As we all know, goblins are hideously tone deaf, but they love to sing. They probably get their love of singing from their Goblin King, but Jareth swears on his mother's grave that it's not true. But what's worse is that they never shut up!

As a Labyrinth tradition, the goblins attack the Labyrinth with tinsel, mistletoes, and poinsettias. Runners cannot turn a single corner without seeing a demented Christmas tree. Do you want to know what all those branches were doing in the start of the Labyrinth? Those are last years' trees! Do you know why that wise man has that bird hat? So he can make a mini Christmas tree on top of it, or at least stuff a star into that bird's mouth. Even still, that bird can't shut up either, and it doesn't stop him from singing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer at the top of his non-existent lungs.

Do you know how lucky Sarah was not to be caught in the Labyrinth during Christmas? Had she wished Toby away on Christmas Eve, the story would have gone more like this:

THIS IS THE CHRISTMAS VERSION OF THE LABYRINTH!

It's Christmas Eve, and Sarah's in the park. What the crud is she doing in the park? It's freezing and there's two and a half feet of snow and it's three degrees outside and even those three degrees are freezing their little bottoms off! It's cold! Of course, she's got her snow pants, snow boots, and blue coat that makes her look like a fat blue marshmallow, on. She's not cold one bit, except for her teeth. They're chattering so hard, she can't say her lines. No wonder she's forgotten the last line! It's an excuse to go home on time! Cheater.

So she makes it home before the snowstorm hits hard. Emphasis on 'hard.' It's already snowing. She waddles inside–because we know that it's hard to walk with snow pants on–and takes off all the snow stuff that makes her warm. Coat, boots, scarf, snow pants. . .snow pants. . .I said Snow Pants, Sarah. . .Come on Sarah. . . okay, later. Another scarf, a sweater, another sweater, a pair of warm woolen mittens, a pair of gloves, another attempt on the snow pants. . . a failed attempt on the snow pants, a jacket, another sweater, another jacket, another three pairs of socks, another furious attempt at the snow pants. . .no Sarah, you're not supposed to cut them off. . .well, whatever works for you. . . snow pants, another pair of gloves, another pair of woolen pants–we get the idea, don't we?

Sarah was met by her step-mother who is glad to see her home on time for once. (Sarah has secretly named her 'Evil Step-Mother number two' because in all her research, which was an extensive array of fairy tales, what else can a step-mother be but evil?) "Can I have some hot chocolate which is product placement paid for by Nestle?" Sarah asks because she's very cold.

"No you cant'. You'll ruing your appetite for dinner," the Step-Mother answers.

"BUT I'M FREEZING!" shrieks Sarah, because, apparently, she's cold.

"No," says the Evil Step-Mother. "Go and watch Toby. We're leaving for a Christmas Party with a bunch of our friends because we don't want to stay here and have a family night. Bye!" She leaves.

"We'll be back around midnight!" says her overly cheerful father as he follows his wife out the door.

Sarah screams at their backs, "I never get to do anything!" and storms off to her room where she can play with her Barbies, which is product placement paid for by Mattel, and her lipstick, which is product placement paid for by Mary Kay. Then, she notices that her stuffed Santa is missing. She knows exactly where it is, so she storms off to her little step-brother Toby's room. He's crying because he wants a candy cane, but Sarah doesn't know that so she doesn't give him one. Poor Toby! So, to make him stop crying, she told him a story that had to do with Santa Clause. "'twas the night before Christmas and all through the trailer–augh! Toby, shut up!" Give her credit for trying. Then, suddenly, she says the fatal words: "I wish Santa Clause would take you away, right now!" Close, Sarah, but no cigar. Actually, no cigars for you because you're only fifteen. Of course, nothing happens. She tries different names. "Tooth Fairy? Sauron? Snow Queen? Glinda? Witch of the West? Goonies? Goblins?" Bingo. "Hey, it worked!"

Joy for you Sarah, because at this moment, the lights go out, and Toby disappears. What do you do now?

"Act scared and like I didn't really want him to go?"

Yup. Here's your chance. The Goblin King's coming. Sarah turns around to see a barn owl decorated in shiny stuff fly through the window. She screams because she thinks he's a monster. Then, he turns into the Goblin King, and she screams again, because, well, where's the difference? "Shut up, Sarah," he says. She shuts up. "I'm keeping Toby," he says.

"But I didn't mean it," she whines.

"So what? His screaming is drowning out the goblins."

"But I want him back. His screaming is drowning out Evil Step-Mother Number Two."

"Alright Sarah. You can have him back if you beat my Labyrinth."

"No crystal tricks?"

"My hands are so freezing cold, you have no idea. I can't do them right now. Now, go bundle up and you can try to beat my snow covered Labyrinth." Sarah ran off to bundle up. Jareth waited for her. Five minutes. Ten minutes. Fifteen. "SARAH, I CAN'T WAIT ALL DAY!"

Sarah came running (waddling) back, looking like an even fatter blue marshmallow. "Okay, I'm ready to go. Wow, is that the Labyrinth? It looks like my parent's windows."

"No, moron, I haven't transported us yet. There."

"Wow, is that the Labyrinth? It looks like Antarctica." It was true. The entire Labyrinth was covered by a gigantic mound of snow. Right in the center was something pointy and poky, so that must have been the Castle Beyond the Goblin City. "I could walk right on top of it."

"Some have tried that before. They're dead. The Goblins have hollowed out tunnels, so you should have no problem except for slippery floors and the decorations." Jareth pointed to a clock on a heavily decorated Christmas tree. "You have thirteen hours in which to solve the Labyrinth before your baby brother helps me to ruin Christmas in the Underground. Forever." And Jareth disappeared.

"Well, feet," said Sarah to her feet. "Let's go." And she skipped down the hill, except for we all know that you can't skip down hills. She slipped down the hill, and rolled all the way over to a short ugly guy. He was dressed like one of Santa's Elves, and even had a little name tag on him that said 'Hoggle.' When she came to a stop, he bothered to turn around and frown at her. "Hey! You look like an elf!" She said. Sarah is also known as Captinette Obvious.

"Well I ain't!" he said all insulted like. "I's a dwarf, and I's," he pointed to his badge, "Hoggle. And don't you get it wrong."

She got up, and slipped again. Then she got up and stayed on her feet. "Okay Hogfart. Where's the entrance to the Labyrinth?"

He grumbled something about Sarah being a female dog, and pointed towards a snow covered set of giant doors. As he pointed they opened, and Sarah slipped inside. Almost immediately, she ran into a fat man in read, and screamed, "It's Santa!" and started asking him for everything she wanted for Christmas.

Hogwart, er, Hoggle, hit her hard in the head and screwed it on straight. "Him's a fake Santa, moron. Press the button and he'll sing. But whatever you do, don't press the button."

"But I like hearing Santa sing. Sing us a song Santa, please?" Hoggle hit her again. "Which way do I go, Hogface?"

He growled again and said, "I don't care! Just go!" And the doors slammed behind him. Now, this long and straight path that we all know so very well, was packed (emphasis on packed) with aluminum trees and full size 'Santas' that sang a different Christmas song when you pressed the button. But Sarah wasn't going to do that. She just ran, hoping to find a turn.

As we all know, she meets the worm. Now, this time, Mr. Worm was joined by Mrs. Worm, Wormalina, Wormbob, Wormetta, Wormon, and Joe the Worm, all dressed in scarves and earmuffs and singing Jingle Bells. How cute! Except for everything the worms said was in tune to Jingle Bells.

"Where's a turn?"

"She wants to know how to get/through that passage there/out of this dim dark place/to the maze we know!" they sang. "It's just right over there./Put your hands on there it'll do/ then walk right through and you'll be gone/just don't go left my dear/ OH! Jingle bells! Jingle Bells! Jingle all the way! Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh! Hey!" The rest we know.

"Thank you," said Sarah as she went through. Do you remember those pointing hands that Sarah so willingly followed. Well, this time, it was Mrs. Clause with five arms that was pointing the way. Sarah took the one that looked the most natural.

Now, you remember "Magic Dance," don't you? Well, Toby was screaming, and Jareth was perfectly fine with that. Just as long as the kid didn't pass out. So let's return to Sarah while she's at the doors.

"So do you know?" she asked the green guard that was upside down.

His answer was muffled because his head was buried by snow.

"What about you? Do you know?" she asked the red guard that was upside down.

Same thing.

"What about you?" she asked the green guard that wasn't buried by snow.

"It's tinsel, madam," he answered. "We always dress in it for the holiday spirit," he said nobly.

"Um, okay. Do any of you know which door I should choose?"

"You can only ask one of us," he answered impatiently. "And one of us always tells the truth, and one of us always lies."

"It's in the rules," the other red guard answered.

"Okay. You, red guard. If I ask that green guy which door will lead me to the center of the Labyrinth, which door will he tell me to go through?"

"Uuuuummmmmm. . . . This one?" said the red guard.

"Well you're supposed to know. So if this is the door he says to go through then. . . aw crud! I'm confused. Wait, wait. I'll get this." She began mumbling and working stuff out in her head. Finally, she squealed, "I know I know I know! It's the other one! Yay!" She worked something out in her head for once. This is a time to celebrate. "I think I'm getting smarter! AAAAAA!" No she's not. She's just fallen into the shaft of hands, except for this time, they're worse.

So Sarah's falling through, and the hands are grabbing her, slowing her descent, and the whole time, she's screaming about how all the green and red paint is coming off on her clothes. "STOP!" she screams. The hang onto her and don't let her fall. "Help me! Help me! Get me out of here!"

Then, the hands started to make faces out of their hands, and they started to speak. No, sing! "Deck the halls will boughs of Holly!" Then the whole shaft joined in, singing, "FA LA LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA!"

Needless to say, this freaked Sarah out, and she screamed for them to drop her. So they did. And as Sarah fell into the Oubliette, she couldn't help but notice the nice wreath around the trapdoor. Now, this Oubliette was nice and cozy warm because there was a fireplace and chestnuts roasting on it. And somewhere, something was playing, "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire." You know, hearing Christmas songs after you've almost been killed can make you go a little crazy, so she started screaming. And screaming. And screaming.

"Shut up, moron!" Hoggle shouted back. She shut up. "All you needs ta do is ta put out the fire." Suddenly there was a bucket in his hand, and it was filled with water. He tossed it onto the flames, but as he was doing so, he 'accidentally' got Sarah as well. "Oops. Oh well. Come on."

Sarah followed him to a passage with was made of stone. In that stone was carved many faces of Sarah's hero. "Santa!" she squealed with delight. Hoggle muttered something about her being a pile of dog doo-doo, and pulled her along. "But I want to talk to Santa!" she whined.

"These aren't Santa Clauses," he chided. "These are false alarms."

"Go back!" said one Mr. Clause.

"Don't go on!" said another one. Hoggle wasn't listening. Neither was Sarah.

"Danger lies ahead!"

"Go back while you still can!"

"This is not the way!"

"If you go this way, you won't get any presents from me this year!"

That last one made Sarah scream and almost turn back, if it hadn't been for Hoggle, who grabbed her hair and dragged her along. "Higgle, I want presents this year! I've been good! I promise!"

"Just shut up, Sarah." He pulled her along, until he came to an entrance to a long passage that ran perpendicular to theirs. Right across the passage was a goblin. Now, Hoggle was afraid of this goblin, and not because it was dressed like a beggar. Actually, because it was dressed like a beggar. At this time of year, not a single goblin doesn't have tinsel or pine tree branches or holly, on. The only goblin that wouldn't do this was–

"Hello Peter," said the Goblin King, who happened to be the goblin. "What are you doing with our little lady?"

"My name's Hoggle! And I was doing just as you said, bringing her back to the beginning of the Labyrinth, except for I didn't tell her that. She's so stupid, she'd just believe me if I lied anyway." At this point, Hoggle had let go of Sarah's hair by now.

"Hey, Kingy guy," said Sarah. "What's that over there?" She pointed down the passage at three blips on the radar screen.

"I'm not going to fall for that, Sarah," said Jareth. "Those are just goblins that have come to–AAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE" Jareth ran away, screaming at the top of his lungs a high-pitched girly scream, from the goblins who were running after him with tinsel, strings of popcorn, red crystal balls, and mistletoe, lots of mistletoe, to dress him up in.

"Well that went well," said Hoggle. "Uh oh. Run!"

Coming back the way Jareth had run, was the Cleaners, decorated head to toe in holly and ivy. As the goblins were cranking it, it played The Holly and the Ivy by George Winston. Sarah and Hoggle decided to book it down the passage. They were led by Sarah, so of course they didn't go back the way they had come which would have been much safer. They came to a locked gate at some point in the passage, and they couldn't get through. Too bad no one told Sarah that they could have just slipped past the tinsel decorated bars. Instead, they just broke through the wall. Hey, Sarah was scared enough, she just ripped right through it like butta.

When Sarah had decided to stop screaming, Hoggle led her up a ladder and out of the underground part of the Labyrinth, except for the whole of the Labyrinth was Underground, so I guess I can't really say that. But anyway, they reached the snowy daylight of the part of the Labyrinth that wasn't dark. Which was good for Sarah because if it hadn't been for Santa, she would have never gotten through in the dim light. Anyway, Hoggle wants to leave Sarah because he's chicken, so Sarah steals the bag of gifts that he always has with him which are for the lucky winners of the Goblin City Lottery hosted by the Food for Goblins Committee, which of course, Hoggle is on. Inhale! So Hoggle stays with her because he's the only one who knows what's in that big bag of goodies.

Suddenly, or rather, slowly, a wise man walked up to them, asking for money in exchange for advice. Well, Sarah wants to get through the Labyrinth within thirteen hours, so she stays to ask him how. She can't help but laughing at the Christmas Tree on top of his head, or rather, the green cone hat that was covered in Christmas decorations which was covering the bird part of the hat. She says, "Wise man, I need to get to the center of the Labyrinth. Can you give me some help?"

"It is always better to give than to receive!" says the wise man. "So I shall give to you!"

Some sound between a hummingbird and an airplane engine, which was muffled by the Christmas Tree atop the wise man's head, came from the hat.

"Be quiet!" the Wise Man said. "She doesn't want any lotto tickets! So now, little lady, that I have given you some advice, could you leave a contribution in the box? It's for the Hungry Geniuses Society. In other words, me."

Sarah pulled a twenty out of her pocket because she had two fives in her pocket, and everyone knows that two is more than one. It's better to be a little generous than not at all, right? The Wise Man fell asleep, and Sarah and Hoggle continued on their way.

Sarah and Hoggle had been walking for a while and had made a pretty good journey, considering that Sarah had to stop and talk to every Mr. and Mrs. Clause along the way. They got to this one point, and then this big ROAR! filled the air and scared away Hoggle. Bye-bye!

Sarah wasn't scared. Right. So she went to find what was making the noise. She found out soon enough. It was a big orange monster tied upside down in a tree that was being hit by these Goblin Soldiers with giant candy canes! Oh, the Ludo Rights Activists! Come and join! The goblins were dressed like elves, and on their backs was the logo 'Santa's Helpers.' Well, Sarah was just as scared of the big orange monster as the Helpers, so she decided to help them out. She made a snowball out of a couple rocks the size of golf balls and some icy snow, and threw it at the giant! And. . .she missed and hit a Helper. "Dang it!" she yelled. "I can never aim!"

Stupid Sarah. Shouting just made the Helpers want to hit her with those big candy canes. Then she realized something. Those Helpers were mean! She started to pelt them with rock infested snowballs. When every Helper was lying on the ground, maimed, bleeding, unconscious, or dead, she went over to untie the big orange beast. She found the green and red striped ribbon that was keeping him up there, and untied it. Plop! Down came the big orange giant!

"Oh, I'm sorry," says Sarah as she helps him up. "I'm Sarah. What's your name?"

"Me Ludo," says the big orange beast named Ludo.

"Really? How old are you Ludo?"

"Three," he says, holding up four fingers.

She knew he was obviously confused about his age. "Two? Wow! I'm only seven years older than you!" Now, one or the other needs to review their math. "Do you know the way through the Labyrinth?"

"No," says Ludo, because he doesn't.

"Maybe we should try these doors," says Sarah, because suddenly, there are doors where there weren't. "How cute. Mistletoe!"

And of course, we all know how this scene plays out, Sarah knocks on a door and all. Amazing. Sarah knocking on a door. Let's just fast forward a bit. Sarah goes through the door with Ludo into the Fiery Forest, which is really a misnomer because the forest is covered with snow. Sarah gets a little ahead, and poof! Ludo disappears in a weak patch of snow, leaving Sarah all alone.

"Help!" cries Sarah in the distance.

"I'm coming moron!" calls back Hoggle, who is quite a distance away from Sarah.

"Well," says Jareth, who had suddenly appeared behind Hoggle. "Where are you going?"

"To help the little Lady," he says, trying his best to cover his slip. Hoggle really needs an acting class. "She slipped on the ice, and slipped all away from me. Now, I'm trying to find her again."

"Well good. When you see her, give her this." Jareth created a crystal and tossed it to Hoggle.

"A Yule Log?"

"What? That was supposed to be a peach! Oh well. Just give it to her or I'll toss you into the Bog of Eternal Stench because I have no other threat that works on anyone."

"Okay," says he as he runs away to find Sarah, after slipping three times on the icy ground.

Sarah was really lost. But she found some friends. They're called Fierys. She found them when she was lost. With them, she rose to becoming really lost. Now, they have made her become what she truly is. Really, really lost.

"Are you guys sure you know where you're going?" Sarah asked them. They never answered. All they did was sing I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas and Walking in a Winter Wonderland. That should have made her crazy out of her head, but since she didn't like being alone, she kept going with them.

But, finally, she regained her sanity, or rather, lost it sufficiently. When they started singing Walking in a Winter Wonderland for the seventeenth time, she decided to run. And run she did. She ran away from those Fierys, who were unfortunately, following her. So she ran faster. Finally she came to a wall. And a rope. Sarah, how do you use one of those things? No, no. Don't eat it. Climb it. Okay, you've got it. And see who's on top? Your friend–no, it's Hoggle, not Henny Penny. For heaven's sake, get it right!

Sarah got on top of the wall, and then did what she does best. Slipped. Right into the Bog of Eternal Stench. Lucky her, right? Yes, I do mean into the Bog itself. Fortunately for her, it was frozen solid, so she didn't fall in, and that's where she found Ludo. "Yay!" said she. "I have friends again!" I, the narrator, beg to differ. "Look guys. There's a bridge over there, and it looks safe. Let's go!"

Cue Sir Didymus. Just as they get to the foot of the Bridge, Sir Didymus pops out. "Halt, ye curs!" she snarls. "I have no Christmas spirit, so I am not in the temperament to give you free passage without mmyyyyyyyy. . .permission!"

"Okay," says Sarah. "Ludo, sit on him."

"I surrender!" shrieked the little dog. "You can have my permission. Please cross!"

Hoggle had already gone across by now, so Sarah went across first. We all know what happens now. The bridge breaks and Sarah falls in! Yay! Okay, the bog was still frozen, and everyone got across safely, including Didymus' faithful steed which was a mini reindeer with a red nose that was named Rudolph.

So, the quartet walked. And walked. And walked. And walked. And walked. And walked. And I could keep doing this for eternity, couldn't I? Finally, someone had the sense to utter the most obvious phrase since, "The sky is blue!"

"I'm hungry," says Sarah. Figures it would come from her.

"Oh, um, here," says Hoggle handing her the Yule Log.

"A Yule Log? Thanks Hoggle! You're a life saver! Not really because Life Savers are candy, and you don't look delicious or sugary at all. Thank you!" Sarah took a bite, and all too suddenly, learned her mistake. "Hoggle, I hate Yule Logs. They taste like cr–" Plop! She fell down, and fell asleep.

Sarah was in a bubble, or at least she hoped. Inside, everyone was dancing to some fun music. There were people dressed in green and red and dancing to a song. "Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock. Jingle–"

That's as far as they got, because Sarah didn't like that song. She didn't care if they were all having a swell time, she wasn't. She loathed that song, and began to scream. I'm sure that if Jareth was there, he would have had a nervous breakdown because of how far Christmas had penetrated his world. Anyway, Sarah kept screaming. And screaming. And screaming. And screaming. And I could go on like this all day again, couldn't I? Well, I won't. Sarah's screaming broke the crystal bubble, and the spell all in one. Good for her, huh?

Well, she knew that she fell into a garbage heap, and wasn't too happy about it. Particularly since she knew it was a Goblin Garbage Dump, and they were filled with those dumb Christmas cards that have that little beeping tune in them. They sound like Nintendo special sounds, and they get extremely aggravating after a while. Especially since all of them were either too sharp or too flat. Well, Sarah ran again. She's kind of chicken, isn't she?

She ran to the gates of the Goblin City, where she found her friends waiting for her. Or at least Sir Didymus and Ludo. Where was Hoggle? Oh well. They went through the gates and found. . .is the suspense killing you yet?. . .another gate, which had closed, and showed the figure of a gigantic tin soldier. Unfortunately for them, this was a giant robot with a real, working gun, and a goblin behind the controls. Run, Sarah, Run! The doors are shut? Oh. Sorry. Just dodge the bullets and wait for Hoggle. Oh wait, there he is now! Hoggle disarmed the robot and destroyed it! Yay! Thank goodness it wasn't a nutcracker.

So, they go through the gate and through the Goblin City. "We're almost there!" shouts Sarah. Again, Unfortunately for them, here comes an army of Santa's Helpers! "Run!" shouts Sarah. And they run, narrowly avoiding being pelted by snowballs.

We all know how this ends, right? Ludo calls in the snow-boulders, and Sarah wins. So she pushes her was into the Castle Beyond the Goblin City, which is guarded by guards with giant Candy Canes, and goes inside. As she enters the throne room, she, of course, slips on the icy floors at least twice. Or was it twenty times? Anyway, she makes her way to the Escher Room. Now, Jareth would sing to Sarah if he could, but frankly, Christmas was getting on his nerves, as was she. And what was annoying him worse was that the only Christmas-y thing that the Goblins had attacked the room with was Mistletoe. There was mistletoe everywhere, and he did not want to be caught under it with Sarah in the same place. So, he generally avoided her while she caught her brother.

When the Labyrinth broke, and it was time for the final Showdown, guess who won. Jareth was tired, and Sarah's bottom was sore because she had slipped fifteen times in the Escher room alone, and who knows how many time everywhere else. So after slipping on ice 3,579 times, her bottom was sufficiently sore. Jareth was tired because Toby wouldn't stop screaming and his goblins would not stop singing. Can you believe it? That kid was screaming for almost thirteen hours! That kid is not human.

So begins the final showdown. "Sarah, let me keep him. He can scream for so long, and I can't stand all those stupid Christmas songs!"

"Really? I love them. Let me see if I remember one. Oh, yes, my favorite one because it's always the end of anything. We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, and a happy new year!"

"STOP! JUST STOP!" screamed Jareth, for he was melting away at the sound of the last Christmas carol.

It was midnight, and Sarah was home. She had defeated the Goblin King, and had gotten Toby back. The clock struck midnight, for once, on time, and Sarah went into the living room where the stockings hung and where the Christmas tree stood. But something wasn't exactly right. There was some fat guy sitting in the chair by the fireplace. . .

"SANTA!" Sarah cried with all her might, as she ran over to sit in his lap and tell him everything she wanted for Christmas. Some things never get too old.

GRAND DIVIDER

If you have survived this far, you may know that the story is over. It was tedious, and it was stupid. So if you ever wish to wish away someone on Christmas Eve, don't. This will be your fate. Sarah got the pony she wanted for Christmas, and Jareth didn't die. Instead, he received a life time of therapy for Multiple Personalities, bipolar disorder, various eating disorders, and some anger management for around Christmas time. Let us just know that, thankfully, this never happened, and Jareth is still close to going crazy around Christmastime. I would suggest that instead of wishing away a sibling to the Goblin King, wish for him to come to you, and have an enjoyable time burning all your Christmas decorations that you know you hate so much.

I don't own anything Labyrinth oriented. I was just having fun. I hope you have all enjoyed this little bit of insanity from me. Now, please tell me exactly how funny this was or how stupid this was and how I could improve it. I meant to be fast and un-detailed in this story because I wanted to get it done today. Thank you readers and reviewers!

-Sherlock Holmes Skittle-

P.S. Merry Christmas!