Disclaimer: Sadly, "The Mentalist" doesn't belong to me.
Summary: One short take on a Jane/Lisbon first night together. Jane's POV. Rated T for tender lovins. If you'd like to see Lisbons's POV, please read the companion piece, "I Never Thought".
I Never Dreamed
I never dreamed I'd end up in Teresa Lisbon's bed. Yet here I am, alone for the moment staring at the ceiling after hours of lovemaking. And I'm going over it in my mind and asking myself, what took me so long?
It's not because I was overwhelmed with female company. I haven't been with anyone since Red John killed my family. I've seen a couple of women, but always stopped at the goodnight kiss.
It's certainly not because I didn't find her attractive. Lisbon is attractive, that's just a fact. She's lovely and feisty and entertaining, who wouldn't be attracted?
It's not even because I didn't trust her. We may not see eye to eye on everything, but she is the one person in the world I consider to be completely trustworthy.
No, it wasn't for any of those reasons. It was because I never dreamed Lisbon would accept someone as broken as I am. She's had a hard life, too; she had to grow up fast and deal with loss, betrayal and lies. How she maintains a level of empathy for her fellow man is amazing to see and impossible to fathom. She has enough to deal with.
When I felt myself slipping completely into sorrow and fear and loneliness, however, I went to her. I agonized a moment after knocking, afraid she wouldn't answer or worse, she'd find out who it was and tell me to leave. But when she opened the door and I blurted out "I need you," she didn't flinch or turn away. She pulled me out of the darkness and into her arms.
I never dreamed she'd hold me with such tenderness.
I never dreamed Teresa Lisbon would let me possess her so utterly. Anything I desired, any pleasure I could give to or take from her, she accepted completely and delightedly.
I never dreamed I'd be able to hold out for any significant amount of time. It had been so long I was worried, but the total lack of pressure or expectations somehow put me in a little more control.
We finished twined around each other in a complete disarray of sheets. And I got to have something I haven't had in so long I hardly recognized it: peaceful, dreamless sleep next to a beloved woman.
Two hours later, I felt her slipping out of my grasp and then out of the bedroom. I know she tried so hard not to wake me, but I'm such a light sleeper now. I would've woken up no matter what.
So here I am, rolled over onto my back on her bed, regretting absolutely nothing yet still wondering, what will tomorrow bring? Will we pretend this never happened, or try to make it into something more? Something that means I'd have so much more to lose.
I never dreamed I'd be risking so much future happiness on what someone had to answer to one question. Not again, anyway.
I hear her footsteps slowly making their way back to the room and I quickly turn over on my side, facing away from the door. I hear her come in and then feel the lightest touch on my arm. She's checking to see if I'm awake, and I immediately reach for her hand to show that I am.
"You left," I say, trying to keep my voice calm and free of any hint of anxiety.
"I was thirsty and I needed to think. I'm back now," she answers, and I pull her down on to the bed. I need her back in my arms, so I draw her in close. I never dreamed she'd let me hold her like this.
I say, "Look, I know we're not 100% sure about what this means for the two of us, but I need to know how you feel about it. Do you think it was a mistake?" It's all I can do not to add, "Please say no."
I never dreamed I'd see her look so kind.
"No," she says, and my heart leaps. "I don't think that this was a mistake at all. I care about you. I wanted you to be able to find some comfort and get some nightmare-free sleep. I wanted to make love. We don't have to make any big decisions tonight. I just want you to know that from now on you never have to sleep alone again unless you want to. Not ever."
I'm so relieved I can't even speak. I just hold her to me tighter. I tilt my head so I can kiss her again, realizing that I'm crying all over her as I do so, and not caring.
And out of everything, everything that has happened tonight, I know I never dreamed that Teresa Lisbon would be so loving to someone as shattered as me.
The End
A/N: Again, very short, but I'm hoping not very bad. Thanks for reading!