There is always a war brewing
By kyllir
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam or any of the characters.
A/N: I know the peoples might be a little out of character, well, Relena isn't... but please don't flame me!!
*******************************
Cumulative journal entry: writer; Heero Yuy.
iI live on my emotions, on my feelings. That is what I tell people. I don't believe I have emotions.
Or at least I used to believe I had no emotions. Then SHE came into my life. I can remember every minute
of that fateful day when I first laid eyes on her. She was so... innocent, trusting. So childlike. I have to kill
her, I know that, but I don't think I can. I have tried with all my strength, but I haven't been able to. The
one time I really tried to kill her, I ended up saving her. I still cannot understand why, but time and time
again, I find myself following emotions that I thought never existed in me, just to save her. It would be
easier for me if she just died... But I would hate myself if I killed her. I constantly war with these new and
foreign emotions. There is the voice of sensibility. 'Kill the girl, she is distracting you from your mission.'
And there is the new voice coming from these feelings. I think it may be my long dormant heart. 'Save the
girl, and she will lead you to true peace.' I misinterpret what the voices mean sometimes. I know that
Relena will lead the whole world to peace, but that is not what my heart is trying to tell me. Is the voice
trying to tell me to go to her? I admit that strong urges to hold and protect her accompany the strange voice.
It takes every bit of self control I have to stop myself from making that mistake. I know she cares for me, I
can see it in her eyes, and when I hold the barrel of my gun in her face, she hardly flinches, I think she may
see something in me that I cant. She can predict my every move before I make it, I know she knows I could
never kill her. I think she just humors me when I threaten her. I am beginning to understand, I threaten her
to make sure she will stay away from me. Not because she distracts me, but because if she stays away from
me, then less pain will be inflicted. But every time I push her away, I feel I hurt her more than a thousand
buster rifles shot at her at the same time. I think I break her heart. For this I am very sorrowful, I never
intended to do that, but I could never be close to her, I fear. I would bring too much danger to her, too much
risk. I don't want her to die, I realize. I want her to be well, I want her to be safe. The only way she can be
safe, is if I stay away from her, and I must protect her from afar. I can see in her eyes that she cares so
deeply for me, she doesn't care whatever danger there is if she is with me... but I cant allow that. Not with
this war raging on, both inside and outside of me. War is everywhere, even in the heart I thought I lost long
ago. The heart Relena resurrected./i
End journal entry.
*******************************
From where I am now, I have a good view of Relena, she is talking to herself and looking at a
picture. I pick up my binoculars and look, I expect to see a picture of her father, she seems to always talk to
him, though he is dead. I am shocked to see that somehow she had a picture of... me. I adjust the focus and
take a closer look, that is me, I know it. From back when I first met her, after her birthday. We were
dancing. One of her friends must have taken the picture. I am focusing on trying to read her lips as she talks
to the picture. What could she be trying to say to me?
'Oh Heero... why did you have to leave me?' I made out as she spoke. Why? To keep you safe.
'I know you wanted to keep me safe... you think there is too much risk for me to be with you...' she
answered her question. I was shocked, she understood why I avoided her, and yet she was still sad...
'I cant help but miss you, Heero. You give me strength, since my father died I felt helpless... but not when
I'm around you...' I am beginning to understand... how did I give her strength though? All I did was give
her empty death threats.
'I know that you think this is for my own good, but I don't care what's good for me anymore! I just want to
be with you Heero... I think I love you...' I cant believe I'm seeing this. I don't believe it, I must have read
wrong. She loves me?
'Oh Heero! Why cant you understand that I love you so!' I didn't read wrong. She does love me. But why
am I so worked up? This shouldn't bother me. Did I love her too? That's preposterous! I'm supposed to be
the perfect soldier! Soldiers aren't supposed to fall in love! My two sides are warring fiercely, I hardly
notice that I am walking towards Relena's house. I look up to her window again, she is in tears. All because of me.
I am horrible, making her cry because I am such a coward. Once again I don't notice walking up the
stairs, I just know that a minute after, I was staring into the room. She was laying on her bed, her face
soaked in tears.
'Oh Heero...' she whispers as she sobs into her pillow, I think desperately about what I should do. I kneel
down beside the bed, trying not to make noise. I gently place my arm around her shoulder. She looks up
quickly.
'Heero??'
'Yes, it's ok now, you don't have to cry...'
She throws her arms around my neck, 'Heero! I thought I'd never see you again!' she is weeping tears of
joy. I don't mind as they soak into my shirt. I gently return her embrace and lift her chin up, her face is still
wet from crying. I take the handkerchief out of my jacket pocket and wipe the tears off her face.
'Why were you crying?' I ask to avoid the silence.
'Never mind that, Heero... The important thing is that you're here now...' she slightly tightens her
embrace.
'Relena?'
'Yes Heero?'
'Were you crying because of... me? Because I'm such a coward?' I hate the words as I say them.
'Oh Heero... You're not a coward, you just want what you think is best.' She tries to explain.
'Yes, but IS it best?'
'I don't know, but I do know that living from day to day, wondering what has become of you is not the
very best thing.'
I draw in a sharp breath, squeaking slightly.
'Relena, its not safe for you to be with me... I'm a curse, you'll die for sure if you stay around me...'
'I'd rather die today, then to have lived without love...'
I'm taken speechless by this, it rings so true.
'And I love you Heero...' she confesses to my catatonic mass.
'Relena... I... I...' I grab hold of her hands quickly. 'I... the way I feel about you... I.'
'Yes?' she asks hopefully, adding to my confusion.
'I've never felt this way before... I don't know what to do... I, I know I care deeply about you, but this
feeling, its so different from anything I have ever experienced. Is this feeling love? I don't know...'
I sigh, I probably blew it, I am soooo articulate... the voices are screaming at me again.
'Get your ass outta there! You don't belong with anyone! You're a soldier!'
'You fool, you ARE in love! Now face it! Or you'll never be a good soldier!'
'Oh? He IS a good soldier!'
'Not as long as he's still afraid of his own heart...'
the voice is so right... Relena has walked across the room, it looks like she may have a headache. She
seems sad. I wrap my arms around her shoulders, following the whims of my forgotten heart. I pull her
close to me.
'I'm sorry Relena... I have been devoid of emotion for so long. That I began to fear my own heart... I do
love you, forgive me if my cowardice has hurt you...' she turns slightly and kisses me. I hug her tightly and
kiss her as if letting go will cause worldwide death and destruction. Though I do eventually let go so I can
breathe...
'Ai shiteru Relena, Ai shiteru...'
There has been a battle raging inside me for years, and all this time I have been fighting in the war, my own
cowardice was my enemy. Now that war is finally over, and a victor declared, however, there is always a
war brewing, and I am ready for the next one.
THE END
By kyllir
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam or any of the characters.
A/N: I know the peoples might be a little out of character, well, Relena isn't... but please don't flame me!!
*******************************
Cumulative journal entry: writer; Heero Yuy.
iI live on my emotions, on my feelings. That is what I tell people. I don't believe I have emotions.
Or at least I used to believe I had no emotions. Then SHE came into my life. I can remember every minute
of that fateful day when I first laid eyes on her. She was so... innocent, trusting. So childlike. I have to kill
her, I know that, but I don't think I can. I have tried with all my strength, but I haven't been able to. The
one time I really tried to kill her, I ended up saving her. I still cannot understand why, but time and time
again, I find myself following emotions that I thought never existed in me, just to save her. It would be
easier for me if she just died... But I would hate myself if I killed her. I constantly war with these new and
foreign emotions. There is the voice of sensibility. 'Kill the girl, she is distracting you from your mission.'
And there is the new voice coming from these feelings. I think it may be my long dormant heart. 'Save the
girl, and she will lead you to true peace.' I misinterpret what the voices mean sometimes. I know that
Relena will lead the whole world to peace, but that is not what my heart is trying to tell me. Is the voice
trying to tell me to go to her? I admit that strong urges to hold and protect her accompany the strange voice.
It takes every bit of self control I have to stop myself from making that mistake. I know she cares for me, I
can see it in her eyes, and when I hold the barrel of my gun in her face, she hardly flinches, I think she may
see something in me that I cant. She can predict my every move before I make it, I know she knows I could
never kill her. I think she just humors me when I threaten her. I am beginning to understand, I threaten her
to make sure she will stay away from me. Not because she distracts me, but because if she stays away from
me, then less pain will be inflicted. But every time I push her away, I feel I hurt her more than a thousand
buster rifles shot at her at the same time. I think I break her heart. For this I am very sorrowful, I never
intended to do that, but I could never be close to her, I fear. I would bring too much danger to her, too much
risk. I don't want her to die, I realize. I want her to be well, I want her to be safe. The only way she can be
safe, is if I stay away from her, and I must protect her from afar. I can see in her eyes that she cares so
deeply for me, she doesn't care whatever danger there is if she is with me... but I cant allow that. Not with
this war raging on, both inside and outside of me. War is everywhere, even in the heart I thought I lost long
ago. The heart Relena resurrected./i
End journal entry.
*******************************
From where I am now, I have a good view of Relena, she is talking to herself and looking at a
picture. I pick up my binoculars and look, I expect to see a picture of her father, she seems to always talk to
him, though he is dead. I am shocked to see that somehow she had a picture of... me. I adjust the focus and
take a closer look, that is me, I know it. From back when I first met her, after her birthday. We were
dancing. One of her friends must have taken the picture. I am focusing on trying to read her lips as she talks
to the picture. What could she be trying to say to me?
'Oh Heero... why did you have to leave me?' I made out as she spoke. Why? To keep you safe.
'I know you wanted to keep me safe... you think there is too much risk for me to be with you...' she
answered her question. I was shocked, she understood why I avoided her, and yet she was still sad...
'I cant help but miss you, Heero. You give me strength, since my father died I felt helpless... but not when
I'm around you...' I am beginning to understand... how did I give her strength though? All I did was give
her empty death threats.
'I know that you think this is for my own good, but I don't care what's good for me anymore! I just want to
be with you Heero... I think I love you...' I cant believe I'm seeing this. I don't believe it, I must have read
wrong. She loves me?
'Oh Heero! Why cant you understand that I love you so!' I didn't read wrong. She does love me. But why
am I so worked up? This shouldn't bother me. Did I love her too? That's preposterous! I'm supposed to be
the perfect soldier! Soldiers aren't supposed to fall in love! My two sides are warring fiercely, I hardly
notice that I am walking towards Relena's house. I look up to her window again, she is in tears. All because of me.
I am horrible, making her cry because I am such a coward. Once again I don't notice walking up the
stairs, I just know that a minute after, I was staring into the room. She was laying on her bed, her face
soaked in tears.
'Oh Heero...' she whispers as she sobs into her pillow, I think desperately about what I should do. I kneel
down beside the bed, trying not to make noise. I gently place my arm around her shoulder. She looks up
quickly.
'Heero??'
'Yes, it's ok now, you don't have to cry...'
She throws her arms around my neck, 'Heero! I thought I'd never see you again!' she is weeping tears of
joy. I don't mind as they soak into my shirt. I gently return her embrace and lift her chin up, her face is still
wet from crying. I take the handkerchief out of my jacket pocket and wipe the tears off her face.
'Why were you crying?' I ask to avoid the silence.
'Never mind that, Heero... The important thing is that you're here now...' she slightly tightens her
embrace.
'Relena?'
'Yes Heero?'
'Were you crying because of... me? Because I'm such a coward?' I hate the words as I say them.
'Oh Heero... You're not a coward, you just want what you think is best.' She tries to explain.
'Yes, but IS it best?'
'I don't know, but I do know that living from day to day, wondering what has become of you is not the
very best thing.'
I draw in a sharp breath, squeaking slightly.
'Relena, its not safe for you to be with me... I'm a curse, you'll die for sure if you stay around me...'
'I'd rather die today, then to have lived without love...'
I'm taken speechless by this, it rings so true.
'And I love you Heero...' she confesses to my catatonic mass.
'Relena... I... I...' I grab hold of her hands quickly. 'I... the way I feel about you... I.'
'Yes?' she asks hopefully, adding to my confusion.
'I've never felt this way before... I don't know what to do... I, I know I care deeply about you, but this
feeling, its so different from anything I have ever experienced. Is this feeling love? I don't know...'
I sigh, I probably blew it, I am soooo articulate... the voices are screaming at me again.
'Get your ass outta there! You don't belong with anyone! You're a soldier!'
'You fool, you ARE in love! Now face it! Or you'll never be a good soldier!'
'Oh? He IS a good soldier!'
'Not as long as he's still afraid of his own heart...'
the voice is so right... Relena has walked across the room, it looks like she may have a headache. She
seems sad. I wrap my arms around her shoulders, following the whims of my forgotten heart. I pull her
close to me.
'I'm sorry Relena... I have been devoid of emotion for so long. That I began to fear my own heart... I do
love you, forgive me if my cowardice has hurt you...' she turns slightly and kisses me. I hug her tightly and
kiss her as if letting go will cause worldwide death and destruction. Though I do eventually let go so I can
breathe...
'Ai shiteru Relena, Ai shiteru...'
There has been a battle raging inside me for years, and all this time I have been fighting in the war, my own
cowardice was my enemy. Now that war is finally over, and a victor declared, however, there is always a
war brewing, and I am ready for the next one.
THE END