She doesn't have any friends quite like him.
She is quite certain that her friends are not really her friends, and shes pretty convinced that they secretly hate her. Every morning when she wakes up, again and again she realises that she will never have any texts waiting to be read or anyone that cares if she survived the night. Sometimes she wonders if anyone knows she exists.
But then he came along. She meets him when they were both young, and for some reason that she cannot imagine he notices her. Perhaps he sees how lonely she is or how alone she feels, or perhaps he feels equally alone but he notices her. No one has ever done that before. With the rain tapping on the windows and her feet tapping on the floor, all she can see is brown hair and green blue eyes and a small smile on the boys face as he nears her.
She feels silly even thinking it, but that day probably changed her life.
See, after that day, the two of them became closer. She allowed him to get close when she pushed everyone else away. She couldn't explain why if you asked her, there was just something about this boy that intrigued her and made her want to encourage him to stay. And perhaps that was a mistake but if it was then it was the best mistake she ever made.
She learns his name and the word stands out to her because shes pretty sure thats her new favourite name.
As the weeks go by, they get closer and closer until she finds it hard to imagine life without the boy with the brown hair and ocean eyes and thin legs and long fingers and the sweatshirt advertising a band she has never heard of but he eventually introduces her to. And they bond over music and she can never be grateful enough to him for introducing her to the music that saved her life.
But then they grew apart. She knew this was inevitable and she cursed herself for letting him get this close. It hurt her. It hurt her that it was her fault and she wanted him back.
While he is gone, they both change. She notices him change but he doesn't notice her anymore. She sees his hair go from brown to black, she sees his attire change from colour to black and she sees his slump into depression. She sees it all, and she wishes she could change it. She sees when he becomes infatuated with a girl that will only break him, she sees it happen; him breaking. And her heart aches for the boy he once was.
But she's so busy noticing the boy breaking, that she doesn't notice when she herself breaks. She thinks he does though. Sometimes she swears he looks at her and appears to want to say something to her, but he never does. She wishes he would because she needs him more than ever.
She is so happy when they get close again. But she sees how much hes changed then. He hurts her and makes her cry but she knows that he is not the boy he was and she doesn't blame him. She hopes she can help him.
After a while, she introduces him to the one friend she trusts. She knows this was the best decision shes ever made. The three of them bond over everything, finding single, ordinairy words somehow hysterical and spending hour after hour talking about inane things that rarely made sense to anyone but them.
Sometimes she gets paranoid that he likes her better than her, but she knows that the two of them will always have a bond that cant be replaced easily. Or so she hopes.
She loves him. And shes not sure what that means, she doesn't know in what way but she knows she loves him. He never falters, he's always there and she appreciates everything he does for her. She knows she wouldn't be able to do this without him. They're both broken. But somehow, when shes with him, she feels fixed. He sees her scars and he isn't mad because he has scars too. He makes her promise and she breaks the promise but it's okay because eventually she will keep it.
His hugs make her feel warm and safe, something which is a novelty for her because she goes through life cold and scared. All she knows is that its easier breathing next to him. And when they kiss she expects it to feel right but it doesn't. It feels nice but somehow wrong, like it shouldn't be happening. And thats when she knows. She loves him. But shes not in love with him. And thats just fine because she thinks he loves her too.
If she were not so afraid of rejection, she may even go as far as to say he was the closest friend shes got. The boy she's known for years has somehow become one of the biggest parts of her life. And she's so glad that she said hello to him, because if she hadn't, they would still be not speaking, glancing at eachother in the hallway and regretting ever letting eachother go.
But she feels like shes getting better because of him. And because of herself. He makes her feel stronger but she is strong. She always has been. She breaks easily but she fixes easier. She wishes she could say the same for him. Sometimes she looks at him and he looks so distant, like nothing registers with him and he doesn't care if it does. And she's scared because she doesn't want him to break anymore. He deserves to be fixed.
She feels as though she's finally found a friendship worth staying alive for. And she wishes he felt the same way. All she can do is hope that one day, the boy she used to know comes back to her.