Summary: This is continuing the series that began with 'Defeat', 'Departure', 'The Return' and then 'What is Lost and What is Found'. And now this one! Pls read these others first if you can.
Warning: This is a slower paced fic, with a lot of dialogue and introspection. You are forewarned. AU
Disclaimers: I own no part of the Stargate world, I make no money from this endeavour. It allows me to let my muse out to play.
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The air was beautifully crisp and winter fresh as he drew it into his lungs. The mountains towered in the distance over the city. It was nice enough to drive out to the city every couple of weeks for his sessions with Dr Greesham, but he was looking forward to heading back to his cabin hide-away.
John placed the last shopping bags into the backseat of his car. The last bag was small and from a fashion store so he tucked it safely into another bag. He had bought the necklace on a whim. He didn't know if he would ever see Teyla again, but he had seen it in the shop window and it so reminded him of her that he had had to go in and touch it. Once placed in his hands by the helpful shop assistant he had to buy it. She would love it. Perhaps he could send it to her?
He shut his door and started up the engine. It had been a good day walking around the shops, feeling free and contented enough now among large groups of people. Dr Greesham said he was making excellent progress and John was finally beginning to agree with him. It had been a long tortuous four months of relative isolation, nightmares, soul searching and long walks through the winter landscape surrounding the cabin. But, he was finally feeling somewhat more settled. Not that he had decided what to do next, but the Doc said not to focus on that too much yet as he still had two more months of leave.
As he turned the car out of the car park and headed towards the mountains, he ran through what he and the Doc had discussed today. He had been seeing the Doctor twice a month for two hour sessions and John liked the man. He had been among the long list of SGC approved psychiatrists that lined the long length of the Rockies. Though the Doctor didn't have full clearance he had worked with people from the armed forces for most of his career. He was smart enough to never ask for any details about John's missions and had told John that in fact it didn't matter, as the emotional impacts of war time events was the same on people regardless to where they actually occurred. John wondered if the man would still agree if he knew John had been battling monsters in another galaxy. But then it hadn't been those monsters that had really damaged John; it had been good old fashioned humans.
John had begun to talk about Teyla with the Doc last time and they had spent much of today's session talking about her. It felt good to talk about her again and he had enjoyed telling the Doc about his beautiful and courageous wife.
"You sound like you still have strong feelings for her." Greesham had remarked. He was a tall distinguished looking man whose eyes suggested that he had seen his fair share of life. He sat opposite John in his well worn thick leather chair.
"I still love her and she says she still loves me." John had admitted now happy to talk freely about everything with this man. He was past the emotional protectiveness from before, he knew that he was free to express himself here and no one would know. He was safe and there were no judgements here.
"You said you felt that your marriage had been over before your capture. How were things once you returned?"
"I was a mess."
"How did you feel towards her once you were back?" He asked.
"I was happy enough to see her, but I didn't really want to be around her."
"Why?"
"Because it hurt more. We were so happy when we got married, but life got in the way and I didn't want her pity."
"You didn't want her support?"
"No. But, she gave it anyway. She visited me at the base a couple of times a week."
"How did you feel about that?"
"I didn't want to be around her, but it was always nice to see her." He looked down at his hands, the scratches and bruises long healed, but he could still feel them. "She could tell I wasn't okay. When she looked at me I felt like she was making demands of me. Wanting me to cry and I didn't want that."
"Why not?"
John chuckled at the usual play of question and answer with the Doc, at first it had annoyed him, but now he understood. "I was already hurt about her rejecting me as a husband…I didn't want her to comfort me. I didn't want to feel strongly for her again."
"But you said you still love her."
"I do and I did let her comfort me once. She went with me to Dad's funeral."
The Doctor nodded, they had spoken at length about his father. "After you found the letter from your father?" He asked for clarification.
"Yep."
"How were things between you and Teyla after that?"
"I left to come here to the mountains the next day." He paused wondering whether to tell him more. "We slept together that night. It was a comfort thing and I didn't want to remember just the tears and the pain."
Greesham nodded, making no judgements on him. "How did you feel after you slept together?"
"I regretted it in a way, but it was…nice to reconnect like that." He felt his cheeks warming. "To remember how things used to be so long ago. It had been well over a year since we last made love."
"Why did you regret it?"
Then they were at the crux of the matter, and at what John had been thinking about lately. He turned to look out of the Doctor's tall office window. The mountains outlined the city's landscape. Though the mountains looked barren he associated them with freedom and the search for peace. He had spent much time over the past days thinking along these lines as he stared out at the beautiful raw environment outside the cabin. "It reminded me of how things used to be. The happy times between us." He lapsed into silence and Greesham waited, sensing he had more to say.
"I miss her." He confessed. "Before I was captured we had fallen into silence, never really talking, silently pulling apart." Lonely memories played through his mind. "I used to lie awake and watch her sleep. She used to lie at the furthest edge of the bed well away from me. If she touched me accidently in her sleep she would pull away. Even in her deepest sleep she pulled away from me." The sadness filled his throat.
"Why do you think you two drifted apart?" The doctor asked softly.
"Life got in the way. I was on a lot of missions and she worked with the military as a civilian contractor, but she still had to look after her people and their interests. Things got difficult between us about then."
"You two were caught between the sides?"
"Yeah, I guess. We never really argued about it, but we disagreed more. I had to defend the Military's decisions and she began to disagree with them and me more and more."
"How do you think she felt about that?"
"I think that might be why she began to pull back. She resented me for not taking her side. I think she thought I didn't really understand her."
"Do you?"
"I thought I did, but she became a woman I didn't recognise. Things changed so slowly and gradually I couldn't really tell you when it started. I was spending a lot of time on dangerous missions as well."
"How do you think she felt about that?"
"She was going out on the frontline missions as well, just not with me anymore. She understood what it meant and how important it was."
"Do you think that made it easier for her?"
"It wasn't easy for me either, Doc. She went off on her missions and I worried about her. Worried that she would be hurt and that I wasn't there to protect her back. Worried she'd be killed and I'd never see her again."
"Did you tell her that?"
"At the start of our marriage we shared that with each other and when we came back from missions we would hold each other all night." Memories flickered through his mind of the hot sweaty late night sessions and the long hours of holding her, stroking her skin and enjoying her breath against his bare chest. Good memories.
"Why do you think that changed?"
"Things got too complicated. We thought our love would protect us from all those difficulties. Maybe we stopped trying I guess." He studied his hands intently, looking for the injuries he still felt.
"You said you felt she rejected you as a husband. Did she say that to you?"
"No. Teyla would never say something so hurtful." He said with conviction and with pride. "She is a very strong and honourable woman."
"And that strong and honourable woman rejected you." Greesham replied.
John looked up at him with a frown, knowing the man was purposefully pushing him. He reluctantly nodded his agreement.
"Did you two ever discuss the problems in your marriage?"
"Kind of. Well, not really. It kind of drifted away and then I was captured. I guess we would have had one had I not been taken."
"But that would have been a discussion about the marriage's end. I mean did you ever talk about it before to try and stop it from falling apart?"
John tried to think, but couldn't really remember a clear time. He knew he had wanted to and had planned how to start the conversation, but something had always gotten in the way. "Things always got in the way, which I know sounds like a weak excuse, but we were living on a frontline base at the time. You wouldn't believe the universe's timing in that place!"
Greesham smiled like he actually understood what John meant and perhaps he did. "You said you are still currently married. You haven't entered into divorce proceedings?"
The thought was disturbing to John; least of all that he couldn't guess how you would go about getting a divorce from a woman in another galaxy. "No. I hadn't really thought about that. She is stationed very far away anyway."
Greesham lifted an eyebrow silently challenging him.
John rolled his eyes. "Okay, no. I don't want to do that…I planned to get away to the mountains for these six months and to get my head together before even thinking about that."
"You confessed several sessions ago that you didn't think you would ever return to your former station, perhaps even not returning to the military again."
"Maybe. I'd quite like to just become a pilot. Something quiet."
"Something isolated." Greesham added.
"I guess."
"Were you planning to divorce Teyla?"
In truth John had not even considered it. He thought it maybe because she was in another galaxy, but in truth he wondered if he would have even if he returned to Atlantis. "Not really."
"So you want to be separated, but not divorced?"
It sounded about right. "I suppose. Where she comes from the traditions are slightly different."
"They don't approve of divorce?"
"I don't know if they do or not. I never asked."
Greesham nodded and noted something down on his notepad. He knew John hated it when he did that, so he rarely made notes. John angled his head to try and see what he had written across the space between them.
"You said you have been thinking about Teyla lately. How have you been feeling towards her?" The Doctor asked as he looked up from his short notes.
"I began to dream about her again." He answered.
"Not nightmares?" Greesham asked with interest.
"No. They weren't really happy dreams, but no, I've been having less nightmares lately."
"And you've been dreaming of her instead?"
"Yes. Especially of that last night and day together."
"You dream of sleeping with her?"
"Sometimes. And of how we said goodbye in the motel car park. Sometimes it all mixes with old memories of when we used to work together."
"What do you mean?"
"When we used to go on missions together, protecting each other. Fighting against the darkness together."
"You dream of protecting each other?"
John nodded, feeling suddenly emotional. "I worry about her. She's not in the safest place and there are so many…. I hope someone is watching her back. And if something did happen to her; it may be a long time until someone gets around to letting me know." He confessed.
"You worry about her dying?"
"Yes. I miss knowing where she is and what she's up against. I've had some nightmares about her being hurt." Being swept up into a Wraith dart and then drained of her beautiful life.
"Is that all you think about her?"
"No. I have found myself wanting to share things with her. She would love the cabin and the local wildlife and the walks I go on."
"Do you want to be with her again?" Greesham asked, the question feeling very abrupt.
"I don't think that would be an option." He replied. She was living in another galaxy, on New Athos. Besides they had said their good byes. She had looked so sad when they had parted, but was that just because of their history? She had not said she wanted to get back together, but then he had been in a right state at the time. He had told her he needed time.
"I'm not asking if it's an option. I'm asking if you want to be with her again."
John played his feelings over, trying to be honest with himself. "I think if life were different I would." He imagined her in the cabin and a deep sense of longing filled into his heart. "I would love her to come here. Spend some time together and see if we could salvage our marriage. But, Doc, there is little or no chance of that happening. The situation is far more complicated than you can imagine."
Greesham made one quick note on his pad and looked back up at him. "Life getting in the way again." He paused as he made a few more notes. "In truth John, I'm interested in you finding balance and some happiness. If you have to let go of your wife to do that then that's fine, or maybe you would like to try and get back in contact with her again. That is up to you. Do you really believe she wouldn't want to see you again?"
"She would probably want to see me again, but I don't want to go back out to that front line again just yet, if ever." He looked back out to the mountains again. "I've been talking with my brother more, the last time he was talking about the woman he's seeing. I think they are going to get married soon. She's moving into the family house with Dave and it got me thinking about civilian life. I've always been in the military and I couldn't ever give up flying, but the idea of a settled life here somewhere, a family and without the constant fear that it will be destroyed at any moment….." He lapsed into silence the image so clear in his mind. He would love to live on a ranch again, own his own plane maybe. Maybe get to fly a chopper again. But, he missed the idea of never flying a Jumper again. He realised that in his ideal world; on that ranch, Teyla was there with him.
Tears leaked from the corners of his eyes, surprising him. He wiped them away.
Greesham gave him a moment. "You have been progressing so well, John. But, remember it has only been five months since you were released. It is completely understandable that you still feel you never want to return to the violent life of the Military, but there are other areas you could work for the Military. Maybe as a test pilot again, or in training new recruits. You don't need to decide anything yet. Things are still very fresh, and you need to give yourself a little more time. You have two more months, remember, until you have to make some sort of decision and in truth they would most likely be willing to extend that leave for you considering the circumstances."
John nodded. He had the cabin for another couple of months and after that he could always get a flat somewhere if he needed more time. The Doc was right; he didn't need to make this decision just yet. He still had time.
"What I would like you to do before our next session in two weeks is to think about how you feel towards Teyla and your marriage. Maybe write down your memories of the good times you two shared. What it was that you enjoyed about your relationship together outside of work. And I would also like you to write a letter to her, you do not have to ever send it, but write to her about how you feel about what happened between you two and what you would like to happen in the future."
Greesham pulled away the top piece of paper from his notepad and handed it over to John. John took the notes the doctor had made and realised they were instructions for what he had just told him, not judgements or comments.
"Thanks Doc."
It had been a good session and as the mountains grew larger before John as he drove out of the city, he wondered if the fact that he had bought her that necklace said anything.
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TBC