Disclaimer: We all know I own nothing.
This is one of those random, 2-in-the-morning deals that has no point whatsoever, lol. I've been meaning to do a Popular parody, and it occurred to me that "flatulence" has the same amount of syllables, so….this is Avaric's attempt to bring Fiyero over to the dark side. Hehe
For some reason, when I was writing this, I kept hearing all of Avaric's lines in Sylvester Stalone's voice- I think they work better that way. The way Sylvester talks is just perfect for this, I think.
"Fiyero, man, I've been thinkin'. You know what your problem is?" Avaric asked as he and Fiyero crossed the courtyard on their way to lunch.
Amused, Fiyero decided to humor Avaric with his latest theory on exactly what his problem was. "What is it this time, Av?"
"I don't know, man, you're just too…too polished, too polite, too….princey." He gestured to Fiyero's neat button-up shirt. "Yeah, that's it- too princey."
"But I'm….a prince."
"Just 'cause you're a prince doesn't mean you have to dress like one! Dude, come on- if I dressed 'in a manner befitting my station' like my mother always says, I'd be suffocating in starched shirts with ruffles and pink bow ties! And if I acted in 'a manner befitting my station', whew…I don't even want to think about that. I'd be drinking tea with my pinky held out and holding doors for chicks. That'll kill a guy off faster than Sunday dinners with grandma…No, you definitely need some lessons from me on…." He struck a dramatic pose."…cool."
Stifling a laugh, Fiyero said good-naturedly, "Alright, man, whatever you say. Shoot." "Although I don't think I prefer your brand of cool,' he added silently.
"Ok. See, it's like this." Avaric gestured unceremoniously to a nearby bench. "Sit down. I'm ready for this- I wrote a song and everything. There's one important thing you're missing Fiyero, one important thing that makes all the difference between a real man and a sissy."
To FIyero's intense amusement, Avaric began to sing.
"Whenever I see someone
Less flatulent than I…"
Fiyero tried to disguise his sudden burst of laughter as a coughing fit.'He can't be serious….'
"Hey, are you alright, man?" Fiyero nodded. "Ok, now where was I? Oh, right-
And let's face it- who isn't
Less flatulent than I?
My manly heart tends to start to bleed
And when someone lacks in this department
I bring in all my most skilled fart-men- Yo, Crope, Tibbett! Get over here!"
Crope and Tibbett came running from the other side of the courtyard, obviously having already been informed of Avaric's plan and agreed to help.
"They know- "
"We know," they chimed in,"exactly what you need."
"And even in your case…" Avaric continued solo. The three of them peered at Fiyero, taking in his neat appearance, then looked at each other and shook their heads, and resumed singing, this time in three-part harmony.
"Though it's the toughest case we've yet to face
Don't worry- we're determined to succeed!
Follow our lead
And yes indeed
You…will…be…."
Avaric signaled sharply for Crop and Tibbett to stop singing, then continued on his own.
"Flatulent
You're gonna be flatulent!" His song was heavily interspersed with background demonstrations from his two accomplices. Fiyero merely stared, slack-jawed, trying to decide if there was any way his friend was serious. 'I always knew he wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed, but this?'
If Fiyero's thoughts showed on his face, Avaric didn't notice. He belted along happily, convinced that he was teaching Fiyero an important life lesson.
'I'll teach you which beans to eat
How to fart to a beat-
Perfect ways to make girls pass out!
These skills will make teachers mad
They'll even shock your dad!
Everything that really counts
You'll be flatulent
Ah, the glory of flatulence!
Go in with a boom
If you wanna clear the room
It's a secret every man oughta know
So let's start
Cuz you've got an awf'lly long way to go….'
Plopping down on the bench next to Fiyero, Avaric thumped him on the back in a manner that Fiyero could only assume was supposed to be sympathetic. He leaned backwards uncomfortably when Avaric's face popped abruptly in front of his and began singing again, very loudly.
'Don't be offended by my frank analysis
Think of it as man-to-man ability analysis
Now that I've chosen to become a pal, a sis-
I mean, brother and advisor
There's nobody wiser
Not when it comes to flatulence."
He pointed to himself importantly. "I know about flatulence
And with an assist from me
It's a guarantee
That instead of princey who you were….well, are," he amended after a thumbs-down from Crope.
You'll become a fierce and
Dangerously gassy stir…star."
Avaric sprang off the bench and twirled. "Lalaaalalaaaaaa!"
'How odd,' Fiyero thought. 'Going on about manliness one minute, and then leaping and yodeling like Galinda the next…'
Avaric whirled on him and pointed at him threateningly, as if he'd heard his thoughts. "We're gonna make you flatulent!
When I see depressing creatures
With…unflatulescent features
I remind them on their own behalf
To think of
Celebrated manly men or
Tough guys like the Terminator
Were they polite and mannered?
Don't make me laugh! Please-
They were flatulent!
It's all about flatulence
It's not about suave or smooth
Follow your instincts, dude!
They're tellin' you to eat your beans!
And then you'll be a real man-
Flatulent and free
Like me!"
"Well, what do ya think?" Fiyero made a valiant effort to keep a straight face as he responded, "I'll work on it." Of course, he had no intention of actually working on it; he rather enjoyed his current babe-magnet status. If he was going to make the girls pass out as Avaric said, he'd rather it be because of his overpowering charm and good looks than an overpowering smell.
Appeased, Avaric's face broke into a broad grin. "Cool beans, man. I knew you'd see the light! Let's practice right now."
The last remaining trace of an amused smirk melted off Fiyero's face. "Right now?" 'Oh Oz, what did I get myself into?'