It Just Became too Much
By RocketFAN
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimer applies: Do not own anything…
A/N: This story does not relate to any of my other Harry Potter stories. So consider it completely separate. And FYI: dialogue written in "BOLD Italics" is dialogue from within a vision or flashback.
15-year-old Harry Potter lay awake in his bed, unable to sleep or relax at all. He looked at the clock with a deep sigh as the dim screen displayed 3:21 am. It was really late and his roommate and best friend, Ron Weasley, was snoring away. Harry was usually kept awake by his reoccurring nightmares, if anything, but not tonight. Something else was bothering him… what he had seen earlier that day during his Occlumency lesson with Professor Severus Snape. Something dark, disturbing, and not known by anyone other than Snape and Professor Minerva McGonagall: When Severus Snape was 16 years old, he had made a desperate attempt to take his own life. Though obviously un-successful, the physical and emotional scars of it would remain with him forever.
"Oh… god…," Harry groaned in frustration as he ran his hand through his shaggy and often un-kempt brown hair. He settled himself into a comfortable position and made another futile attempt to clear his mind. The image played over and over again in his head as if it were a video set on a loop.
"I hate my life… I wish I were dead!" A young man about Harry's age sat and sobbed in a dark corner of an empty room. He was tall and thin with shoulder length black hair that was stringy and un-tidy. He wore a Hogwarts uniform of green and silver, Slytherin House colors. Harry knew this could only be one person… Severus Snape.
"I can't do this anymore!" The young man continued sobbing and shouting in a desperate tone that was full of frustration and angst. Harry could not believe what he was seeing: Severus Snape was showing emotion, weakness… and fear. He had only known the Potions Master as cold, sarcastic, and void of all emotions.
After what must have been no more than 10 minutes of continuous sobbing, young Severus Snape got to his feet and dejectedly walked over to a small desk and opened the top drawer. He pulled out a long, razor sharp talon from a Hippogriff and sat back down in the corner with it.
"Mom… I'm sorry…," he whimpered tearfully as he put the sharp end of the talon against his neck and with one brisk movement, dragged it firmly across his throat.
"AH!" Severus cried out as blood immediately started flowing from the gruesome wound and all over himself and the floor. Harry winced at the vision of a young Severus Snape falling back against the wall, profusely bleeding from a self-inflicted slit throat.
"Severus! What have you done?!" A familiar voice was the next sound Harry heard. The woman was tall, slim and wore a black witch's hat with a long green feather. Her hair was a rich brown and was tied back in a tight bun. Harry recognized her immediately; it was Professor Minerva McGonagall, current head of Gryffindor House and Transfiguration teacher. She cried in terror as she lifted the pale and bleeding boy onto her lap and held her shaking hand firmly against the cut in his throat in a desperate attempt to stop the heavy flow of blood.
"Severus! SEVERUS! NO!" The vision ended with McGonagall cradling the unconscious boy and calling for anyone to help.
"Harry? Harry wake up! It's almost 9 am!" The distorted sound of Ron Wasley's voice shook Harry from his troubled sleep.
"What? R-Ron!" Harry gasped and awoke with a start.
"Get up, Harry! We have potions class in 15 minutes and Professor Snape will kill us if we're late!" Ron shuddered at the thought of walking into Professor Snape's class even a minute late. He was not the friendliest of the Hogwarts professors and suffered from a chronic case of bitterness, especially towards Harry.
"Okay, I'm up…," Harry groaned wearily and forced himself to sit up. His tired mind and body left him feeling dazed as he quickly dressed, grabbed his book and followed Ron as he flew down the stairs towards the dungeons were Snape's classroom was.
"Phew, we made it," Ron said breathlessly as they reached the classroom door at 8:58 am.
"With two minutes to spare," Harry said between heavy breaths as he fought to get some oxygen back into his lungs.
The heavy door to the dungeon classroom creaked loudly as Harry slowly pushed it open. Although there were technically on time, they were trying to sneak in to avoid any unwanted attention. Unfortunately, the loud creak of the door turned nearly every head in the classroom turned towards them, including Professor Snape's, who was sitting at his desk up front, facing the door.
"Well… now that Mr. Weasley and Mr. Potter have finally decided to join us, we can begin our lesson for today," Snape said as he got up from behind his desk and stood before the class with a look of intense annoyance written all over his sallow face.
"Sorry, sir," Harry and Ron said simultaneously as Snape's piercing gaze fell on them.
"Now, who can tell me the properties of the Befuddlement Draught?" Snape asked without a word to Harry or Ron following their apology.
"Oh!" A Slytherin girl with shoulder length black hair and a flat nose that reminded Harry of Crookshanks, Hermione's cat that looks as though he ran full speed into a brick wall, raised her hand.
"Yes, Miss Parkinson," Snape called on her with a tiny smirk on his face. Professor Snape was head of Slytherin house and always had a tendency to favor the students in his house. Something that had always bothered Hermione, who was the smartest witch in any house.
"The Befuddlement draught is a potion that is used to help temporarily clear the mind of Dark Magic and horrible thoughts," Pansy Parkinson said giddily with an evil glance in Hermione's general direction.
"Very good, Miss Parkinson, 5 points to Slytherin! Now, this particular potion has only three main ingredients…," Snape went on as Hermione leaned in closer to Harry and Ron.
"I'm surprised she could even say "Befuddlement", moreover know what it is!" Hermione whispered bitterly, causing Harry and Ron to snicker loudly. Luckily, Snape did not hear them and continued on about the potion for another 45 minutes.
"On my desk by Monday morning and no less than 800 words," the student's groaned as Snape assigned an essay on the subject potion and where to find its three main ingredients. "Class dismissed," Snape said after what seemed like an eternity for Harry. Throughout the entire class, he could not stop thinking about the image of a young Snape dragging a razor sharp Hippogriff talon across his neck in a desperate suicide attempt. Harry was also confused about something… how did Snape survive such a mortal wound?
After Charms, it was lunchtime and Harry sat at the Gryffindor House table with Ron and Hermione in the great hall. His mind was still buzzing with the memory that he had intercepted from Professor Snape the day before during Occlumency. He was itching to ask Snape about it, but decided that he wanted to live to see tomorrow and thought better of it.
"Harry? Are you all right?" Hermione asked him from the seat across from him as she buttered a warm, fluffy roll.
"Yeah… fine," Harry replied sullenly.
"Except…?" Ron said with a suspicious gaze.
"Well, it's just this Occlumency thing with Professor Snape. I somehow saw one of his memories during yesterdays lesson and… well… it was really disturbing," Harry admitted as Hermione and Ron leaned closer in curiosity.
"Like what?" Hermione asked excitedly. As much as she refused to admit it, Hermione did enjoy some good old fashion gossip now and then.
"Well, he looked about my age in the memory, 15 or so. And…," Harry spoke very quietly
"Yeah?" Ron urged Harry to continue.
"And he was… sitting in a corner. He was crying and saying how much he hated his life and that he wished he was dead," Harry continued while looking around to make sure no other students were listening in.
"Oh, my gosh," Hermione said softly.
"Well… he walked over to a desk and pulled out a talon from a Hippogriff that was sharpened at the point," Harry was starting to get nervous about telling them what he saw, even if they were his best friends.
"Yeah? Yeah?!" Ron was on the edge of his seat with excitement at the juicy information about Snape, who he disliked very much.
"He slit his own throat with it," Harry finally said, causing Ron and Hermione's mouths to drop open in shock.
"What?!" Hermione asked with her hand over her mouth.
"Yeah, and Professor McGonagall was the one who found him. She found him bleeding to death in his room afterward," Harry explained.
"But he obviously survived," Ron said while taking a bite of a delicious looking pastry followed by a moan of pleasure as the sweet raspberry custard filled his mouth.
"And that's what confuses me… how?" Harry said while reaching for a pastry after seeing Ron's reaction of pure bliss when he took a bite of one.
"Well, maybe he didn't do it hard enough," Hermione cringed at the thought of seeing something so terribly morbid.
"Well, there was a lot of blood so he must have done it pretty hard," Harry said, recalling the massive amount of blood that immediately started pouring from Snape's wound.
"I wonder what drove him to that point at such a young age?" Hermione said while shaking her head. She could never imagine why someone would take the only life they'll ever have.
"I don't know…," Harry said softly. If anyone had a right to take their own life, it was him. Harry had experienced more pain in his short life than most adults put together. But never, had he considered suicide as a solution to his problems, no matter how bad and painful life got.
Harry was walking down the hallway to Gryffindor tower when he passed Professor McGonagall's office door. He wondered if he should ask her about the intercepted memory and exactly what happened to Snape and how he survived.
"Professor?" He asked following a soft knock.
"Yes, come in Potter," McGonagall's voice rang from inside. Harry didn't know how she knew it was him, but after five years at Hogwarts, he just went with it and didn't bother asking.
"Professor McGonagall," Harry greeted her with a smile as she sat at her desk, grading 1st year papers.
"What's on your mind, Potter?" McGonagall said while setting the papers aside and focused on him.
"Well…. during my Occlumency lesson with Professor Snape yesterday… I sort of… intercepted one of his memories," Harry said hesitantly.
"I see. And what was this memory?" McGonagall nodded
"Well… it was kind of disturbing," Harry admitted with a cringe while avoiding direct eye contact with her.
"Disturbing? How so?" McGonagall asked curiously, as Harry struggled to get the words out.
"Well… he tried to… he tried to kill himself when he was around my age, didn't he?" McGonagall's eyes went wide when Harry mentioned Snape's dark secret.
"Well… yes, Potter, he did," she replied honestly.
"How did he survive?" Harry asked the question he was most anxious to hear the answer to.
"He was very lucky. Professor Dumbledore was able to save him with a healing spell. If he had arrived just moments later… he would not have been as successful," McGonagall explained softly as the terrible memory came back to her.
"Dumbledore saved him?" Harry asked in surprise.
"Yes… he did," McGonagall replied with a small smile.
"But… why did Snape try to kill himself in the first place?" Harry asked McGonagall as long as she was answering questions.
"Well, Potter… I don't think I'm the person who should answer that question," she replied, fully knowing the answer to Harry's question, but not willing to disclose it due to the promise she made to Snape all those years ago.
The next day, Harry arrived at his Occlumency lesson. It took place in Snape's office in the dungeon floor of the massive school. The walls were cluttered with shelves full of strange things kept in jars. It was rather dark, dreary, and colder than the rest of the school. The dim glow of the few lights reflecting off the stone walls gave Snape's office a very ominous atmosphere.
"Sir?" Harry called as he stopped in front of the door, which was unusually unlocked and cracked open about six inches. When Harry walked into his office, Snape was sitting at his desk reading the essays he had assigned earlier that week. He did not acknowledge Harry at first but knew that he had entered the room.
"Sit down, Potter," Snape said while reading the longest essay in the stack. As Harry sat down in the chair across from Snape, he leaned over slightly to peek at the paper and instantly recognized Hermione's neat and beautiful handwriting from the countless letters he had received from her over the last five years.
"Uh, sir?" Harry asked as the silence became a little awkward as Snape continued to read Hermione's essay and ignore Harry.
"I know what you saw, Potter," Snape blurted out as he finally put the paper down and looked at Harry.
"You… you do?" Harry asked in surprise, not only from the fact that Snape had known all along that Harry had seen him attempt to take his own life when he was a teenager, but also at how calm and collected he was.
"Yes, Potter, I do," Snape replied while standing and walking over to the round, single window that faced the forbidden forest that sat a few hundred yards West of Hogwarts' main entrance.
"Oh," Harry said, almost inaudibly as he found himself at a loss for words.
"I know that wasn't a very pleasant thing to witness, and I am sorry you had to see it," Snape said as he gazed out the window to avoid looking Harry in the eye. Harry sat in stunned silence at the sound of Snape saying "I'm sorry". He had never heard an apology from him before, and frankly, never thought he would.
"W-why did you do it?" Harry asked after a few moments of gathering the courage to do so. He was expecting a "none of your business", but was rather surprised when he didn't get it. Instead, Snape sighed heavily and began to tell Harry the painful truth behind his intentions that day.
"I was at a dark and very difficult time in my life, and I just decided to…take the easy way out," Snape explained in the softest voice Harry had ever heard him use.
"It didn't look very easy to me," Harry said, not even able to imagine how painful slitting your throat would be.
"It was a lot easier than my life was at the time," Snape sighed and turned to face Harry.
"Life is hard and painful sometimes," Harry said as he thought about all the hard times he had been through. Harry had lost both his parents at the hands of Voldemort when he was only one year old, leaving him to be cared for by his muggle aunt and uncle who treated him very badly. He had been plagued by nightmares since he was little and had witnessed the murders of his schoolmate Cedric Diggory last year and his Godfather, Sirius Black, just a few weeks ago. He knew all about life being hard and sometimes even unbearable, but you have to carry on and make the most of it.
"Well, for me… life just became too hard and too painful. It just became too much," Snape replied defensively.
"Well, I'm glad you weren't successful," Harry said softly.
"So am I," Snape replied with a tiny, almost undetectable smile.
~THE END~