Disclaimer : Glee doesn't belong to me, no copyright infringement intended.
AN : It started out as this cute little drabble thing and it took on a life of its own. There are some issues brought up, things that I've noticed/experienced from very close friends during first year though I have to apologize for any discrepancies I make with dorm life - I write that with no personal experience :| And yes, you read right, that does say Part I! There's a reason this fic took sooooo long to be posted but it will all be done by the 10th my dears!
For rjjg14, for the Artinathon 2010 fic exchange. [[Prompt - Artie and Tina having a long-distance relationship in college. (e.g. Tina goes to college in NY, while Artie goes in California) something like that. :) ]]
The Heart Grows Fonder
(Part I - Artie)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
i carry your heart, ee cummings
—
It begins where it ends.
You apply to three post-secondary institutions. They're all in Ohio - and it's not just because your parents freaked over the idea of you moving so far from home - but that's okay, you get it even if you hate to admit it. You're accepted to all three but the unfinished application that sits under the music sheets in your guitar case, that's the one that really matters. Granted, by the time you can even consider mailing it away, it'll be very likely outdated but you can't help being sentimental about such an important dream.
It's the one you can make come true.
When you call your girlfriend excitedly and let her know which school you've chosen (Go Buckeyes!), she sounds genuinely happy for you and in that manner of speaking and being that she just has, you feel like you've just won the lottery.
So it feels like someone just punched you and jacked your winning ticket when she whispers she'll be attending school in Washington.
—
"Washington? I don't... that's the other end of the country."
It's a really good school. It's, um, ranked pretty high internationally and you know how much I love Seattle. I have family there already and my parents say-
"Your parents? Are you doing this because of your parents?"
Artie-don't. You know they're not like that, it's not them. I want to go there. It's pretty competitive and... I mean, it's not Rhode Island or even New York but that's okay. Besides, I'm - I really want to do this Psychology thing.
"You only thought of that after watching 50 First Dates last summer! I thought you wanted-"
To go to art school? I only sent out one because I was having second thoughts about it, I told you that. And I'm glad I didn't set myself up for too much rejection. I wasn't accepted. But you know what? That's fine because there's this door that's opened up for me that I really want to pursue. I know what I want, Artie, I always have but I think this is what I need.
"But I thought you needed me."
—
It's a bittersweet way to end your high school run. You both have the time of your lives at prom and you all, as in the whole glee club of yore, cling to each other at grad. Tina holds your hand through all the diplomas but by the time they get to Brittany, you completely miss her name being called out because your girlfriend is making every effort not to begin sobbing outright.
You squeeze her hand a little tighter in yours but you know that won't keep the inevitable from taking place at the end of summer.
Still, when she curled herself around you that night, when she lay her head against your collarbone and you breathed in the mild June air and her vanilla shampoo, you had to remind yourself that four years in two separate states at practically opposite ends of the country would be too hard for the both of you.
You had to repeat it like a mantra, otherwise you couldn't convince yourself of its validity: it's for the best, it's for the best, it's for the best.
—
It takes a really (really) badly-timed epiphany to spur you into action but come August - as she gathers her luggage because it couldn't have hit you any later than 'hello, she's boarding her plane, fool', your heart begins to thrum madly in your chest and you remember you're only your very best when you're with her.
Having said goodbye to your ragtag group of friends who've gathered in some sort of support semi-circle around you, Tina turns towards the terminal. She'd kissed your cheek softly, held your hands in hers, eyes downcast the entire time. Mercedes, Quinn, Rachel - pretty much everyone's leering at you as she steps towards the gate and you're pretty sure Puck, in his beat-up truck along the I-10, and Santana and Brittany, lounging on a beach in Cancun, are doing the same thing.
Of course.
"Tina, wait!"
—
On the ride back to Lima, it dawns on you that you should thank Kurt for changing his ringtone to 'Won't Go Home Without You' (suspiciously at the beginning of the summer).
—
You've settled into your dorm and though Finn and Matt are at OSU as well, they're practically at the other end of the campus. Your roommate seems like a cool kid though and there's someone from your jazz band in the same building as you.
You've been sending e-mails back and forth with Tina, Skyping when she's not being shown around the city by her relatives and you feel the urge to kick - or, y'know, wheel over - yourself when you think of how you almost gave her up.
It's been two weeks. It's hard, and you can't believe how much you miss her but you really think you can do this and these thoughts carry you through that first week of unfamiliar looks of pity or general gawking (you're starting to think it's not so much the wheelchair as it is the wardrobe but you're not giving up the sweater vests, dammit).
—
Who's the girl in that picture?
You attend your first 'college' party in October, some festive Halloween thing that Finn drags you to and you're surprised by how much fun you had. The pictures find their way on Facebook in that magical way embarrassing photos do but you shrug it off; you didn't do anything anymore blush-worthy that you haven't already done since the Push It number in sophomore year.
"I'm... not... really sure, actually. I mean, Finn was the only-"
So why is she hanging off you like that?
"Uh, well, she's clearly intoxicated and therefore probably confused me with a mobile balloon fort."
...Really? You don't even have balloons in that picture! I thought you were supposed to be a grape? You can't ignore the bite in her voice.
"I was! But everyone popped my balloons. But I mean, I was inspired by your Gaga outfit and it actually looked really cool, didn't you see the other pictures? ...Tee?"
I'm going to work now. Bye.
Yeah, she really didn't sound very happy.
—
It kinda bugs you sometimes, that just because Tina lives off-campus and she's decided to try and balance a part-time job as a barista along with her schooling, that she'll breathe down your neck when you go to a party every other weekend.
Really, they're not so much parties as they are informal get-togethers with friends and like-minded peers. It's not like your grades are slipping or anything (except for that one mid-term that you just bombed because you forgot to study for it). It's just cool, that one weekend, a small group of you can spend all night playing WoW and watching back-to-back Battlestar Galactica and the next weekend, you're all getting plastered, trying to get a decent game of Rock Band going.
Everyone's so much more chill in university, like no one actually gives that much of a damn about popularity and it kinda helps that you feel like you've matured. You can actually sense it in yourself and of course, you were like Tina's work-in-progress when you two were in Limal but now you can actually man up and prove it to yourself, and to others.
—
Late in November, you realize what the problem is - you're having the time of your life, your freshman year is really living up to all the expectations you had about it and so much more but over on the West Coast, Tina's shyness is creeping up on her. When you talk over web cam, she looks tired all the time and you ask her about her day, about school, about work but when it comes to people, she just dodges the questions or briefly mentions a classmate's name here and there but there haven't been any pictures or new friends and...
I'm probably just bothering you. It's okay, you can go hang out with your friends again.
Oh.
—
"Tina, we don't-why are you doing this? Y-you don't have to-I'll stop whatever it is."
She's crying and you wish you could console her, stroke her hair and hold her gently like a normal boyfriend would do for their upset girlfriend but you just can't because you're over two thousand miles away.
It's not you, you didn't do anything wrong. That's the problem, Artie. You're-I feel like I'm holding you back. I don't want to do that, I never want to do that to you. I want you to be happy. We should've just stuck to the plan. I'm so sorry.
You don't understand. You'd both gone back to Lima for Christmas break. You spent an amazing two weeks together, practically attached at the... well, she had to sit on your lap for the most part but you two spent as much time as humanly possible together in those two weeks. Sure, she was a bit withdrawn around everybody but even after returning to school, she seemed her normal, cheerful and spunky self, at least for a few days.
And now, this?
"Tee, why won't you just tell me what's wrong?"
She hangs up the phone with a gentle click.
—
This is... depressing. You can't believe how much you miss her. It's been two weeks since you two have communicated directly and even though it's reassuring to see her Twitter updates and her constant stream of Tumblr posts (most of which have turned into reblogs of hipster graphics with melancholy lyrics on them), it just isn't the same.
The only reason you hadn't tried to call her back yet was because you went through a phase of being angry at her, not unlike the time she'd admitted to her stutter. How could she say it wasn't your fault yet make you feel guilty for spending time with your friends? Is it such a sin that you're actually doing fairly well in your first year at school? You didn't even do anything objective this time, that was so highschool!
But it's not just that, you know it isn't and as your finger hovers over the call button for the umpteenth time, you wonder if there was anything you could've done to prevent this.
—
All this 'are we together, are we not' business is making your head hurt.
All this 'maybe she has depression like what your mom was saying' business is making your heart hurt.
—
So technically speaking, you're not together but neither of you actually outright said 'it's quits', 'we're done', 'finito' or 'so yesterday'. Although, y'know, still technically speaking, you two never actually had the 'will you be my girlfriend - yes, take me, you incredible stud!' conversation either.
That's not how you two roll, alright?
"It's like the end of an era, man."
You glance at Mike over the rim of your coffee cup, bloodshot eyes as you wait for Matt to come down from his building to start your relatively short, long-weekend trek back to Lima. Finn left the night before to surprise Rachel in New York so it's going to be a fairly quiet affair.
"You two were like, really good for each other, y'know?"
The statement catches you off-guard because most people wouldn't word it in such a way. Still, you counter with a dry smirk:
"Are you sure that's coffee in there?"
"Dude. Do you even remember what you two were mad about?"
You open your mouth to protest but before anything can come out, you're hit with that crazy wave of wonderment all over again. Like when you used to clean the slushie drips off your glasses and you could see the world with the clarity that a good pair of high-index lenses provided once more.
"Not so smart, you are. An idiot you are, hrm, young padawan?"
You scowl at him. He grins back.
Stupid Mike.
—
It's funny, somewhat; the last time you held a stack of papers this big, it was when Tina looked up all that stuff about spinal cord treatments.
The date is February 14th.
—
"Tina?"
Hi Artie. It's good to... Um, how are you?
"...I'm good. How are you?"
I'm okay. A little stressed but it's manageable.
"Look, Tee - I'm cutting to the chase here. Can't we... I miss you. Really miss you. And I want to help you."
Help me with what?
Not only is she defensive but you can already imagine the tears forming in her eyes.
"With whatever's bothering you. Tee, there isn't another girl out there that I want to make smile more than you."
The other line is silent for a long while and you try and remember if you said anything in the last two minutes that even constituted as offensive or unnecessarily blunt. Finally, she sighs - a broken, little girl sigh.
Artie...I don't know what's going on with me. All I ever want to do when I'm not at work or school is lie in bed and watch Skins and not touch my homework.
"It's okay, that's how I spend my weekends! Except not watching Skins. Usually it's bein' a G and performing my slam poetry."
Tina laughs weakly but you swear it's the best sound you've heard all year.
"But you know girl, my verses are pretty uninspired lately..."
—
You talk for hours. Which is probably a bad thing because you've got an exam the next day but, of course, it's worth it. It always is.
—
June rolls around and you feel like the only solution to passing classes - which for you and your better-than-you-suckaz standard is at the very least, a 3.8 GPA - is to sing a song. Seriously.
Artie, what am I clicking here? My dad says links with the word 'epic' in it are 75% more likely to be a virus or a trojan.
But she clicks it anyway and you're so glad you decided to send it to her through Skype because the faces that she makes as she watches your final Theatre assignment are priceless. Who knew you could corral people so easily into participating in a boy band medley?
It goes viral within a few days.
—
Finn's grinning like a maniac in the front wheel despite the fact that Mike and Matt just passed you guys along the highway. For some reason - mostly because it's Lima and who the heck looks forward to going back to Lima? - you're all ecstatic to be heading back home. You miss your family, your house, Mr. Schue, that coffee place you frequented wearing a turtleneck and a beret...
But what you're looking forward to the most?
1 msg from: Tee-shizzle
I'm home!