As days go by and times slides past me, my anxieties and fears make me do odd things. I stopped doing homework in 8th grade, no one really noticed, no one cared. My grades, while not the worst, dropped steadily and surely. No one noticed a thing. I slowly became the lazy one. No one cared. Not my teachers, not my friends, and definitely not my family. I know that they don't mean any harm but they just don't care. Classes became boring or downright exhausting or scary depending if I could lie my way out of revealing that I don't know shit they expected me to learn. No one noticed that I became a liar.
I started lying. First, it was the simple white lies that meant no harm. "Yeah, school was fine", "Sure, I'm happy", "Yeah, I finished that assignment", "Yeah, I care" ,"No, I'm fine". No one noticed. Then it became something else. I started making up activities I never did just so I could excuse the fact that I spent the days lying in bed and doing nothing.
I started hating school. Teachers expected results I couldn't provide, my grades were becoming worse and worse, every time I stepped into the dammed building I wanted to turn around and run away. I hated there. Some classes made me anxious, some made me freak-out. Some days, like Mondays, there were double of both those subjects. I hated those days the most. Recently I started skipping Mondays. No one noticed and no one cared. I would take the train to any direction and stay in stations for hours. Sometimes I'd go for walks, if the weather was nice. On those days I always felt calm. Even the fear of my family finding out didn't faze me.
My anxieties make me do strange things like give up because there's no point and no one cares, lie because no one notices and no one cares, hide and run away because no one cares.
I sometimes sit alone in the dark, with my window open during freezing winter nights, and just breathe. No one cares that I exist so why should I? Why should I care if my grades are low? Why should I care if I'm lying all the time? Why should I care that my soul wails in loneliness and sadness? Nothing changes when I'm not around so why should I care if no one does? Why should I be?