Title : #307

Disclaimer : I don't own Saiunkoku Monogatari. It belongs to Sai Yukino.

Rating : T for themes only

Genre : Friendship/Drama

Warnings : Yaoi, nothing graphic

Pairing : Reishin/Kijin

Summary : Reishin's words in a petty fight dredges up Kijin's long-standing insecurity.

Time-fit: After Twin Irises, before Within Five Feet.

Reishin raised his voice to be heard over the sound of the carriage wheels.
"I'm never going to forgive you! And it had to be Sai who noticed the stain! Now . . ."

"Can't this wait till we get home, Reishin?"
Kijin sighed as he removed his mask. In this traffic, the journey home from the palace would take at least half an hour. He massaged his temples.

"How dare you talk to me about the virtues of waiting! Who was the one who couldn't wait? Who was the one who didn't pull out in time? Who was the one who caused me to leak onto my skirts? How many times do I have to say it? You can't come inside me when we do it in the office!"

"I'm sorry, Reishin. It was an accident. But it was partly your fault. You moved too suddenly."

"That's because I thought I heard that snoop of a Kei at the door! You know I'm never comfortable doing it at the Finance Department, but you would insist!"

"I . . . you would bring lunch! I told you it's not necessary. Be reasonable, Reishin, having lunch with you, one thing always leads to another!"

"Not necessary? If I left you alone, you would work through lunch. And you know how bad your gastric is! And don't even tell me to send Aunt Chen instead, she's told me how you would delay eating until the food turns ice cold. And that would cause your gastric to act up. I'm the only person that can get you to eat your lunch while it's still hot. Honestly, Kijin, it frightens me! Just like I'm the only person that can turn you on! You put too much pressure on me! At this rate, I can't ever even think of leaving you!"

Kijin froze.
"What did you say?"

"Kijin . . ."

Kijin reached for the cord and pulled on it. The bell rang next to the driver. The carriage rolled to a stop. Kijin tied on his mask and alighted.
"I'm taking a walk. Drive Lord Reishin home."

"Kijin, wait!"

By the time Reishin scrambled out of the carriage, Kijin had disappeared into the side alleys.
What have I done? Kijin!

The acid was building up. Kijin clutched at his chest. The burn spread and rose in his oesophagus. He tasted the acid. Reeling from the nausea, Kijin regretted not instructing the kitchen to make him some rice porridge when he rejected dinner. He struggled to the door of the spare room to call for a servant. He opened the door, and stood face to face with Reishin carrying a food tray, on which was placed two steaming bowls, and a small saucer of vegetables pickled in soy sauce.

"Kijin, I don't care that we are in the midst of a fight. You are going to eat this porridge. I promise to leave the moment you empty the bowls."

Reishin set the tray down, and handed the first bowl to Kijin. He sat down opposite Kijin and watched as Kijin drank the rice broth minus rice grains. The starchy rice broth warmed and soothed Kijin's agitated stomach. Kijin set down the empty bowl. He belched. The relief was immense. His insides were no longer burning. He picked up the second bowl, which was the same broth, but with rice grains in it. He ate the porridge and pickles in silence.

Reishin gathered the stuff, and turned to leave.

"Reishin, thank you. I need to sort out my thoughts. I will talk to you tomorrow night. Send Aunt Chen with lunch tomorrow. I promise I will eat it hot."

Nodding without turning around, Reishin left with the tray.

Reishin had chosen the dinner menu with care. Minimum oil, steamed dishes, nothing that would aggravate the stomach. He glanced at Kijin.
Good. He's eating.
Aunt Chen reported that he ate his porridge lunch while it was still warm. Which was nothing short of a miracle!
Maybe we should fight more often!

Reishin felt his stomach knot. His appetite disappeared. He put down his chopsticks, his bowl of rice still held absently in his left hand. He sensed a movement. Kijin had placed a piece of fish on top of his half-eaten bowl of rice.

"Eat. You'll need the energy for our fight later."
Kijin's tone was friendly, but guarded.

Friendly, but guarded.
Is that to be the tone of the talk later?
Kijin had chosen the study for the talk. Is there any significance in that?
Oh god! I'm about to go crazy, I've got to stop this useless speculation!

Kijin watched as Reishin obediently finished his bowl of rice. The fine brows tightly drawn together, and concentrating on completing his task, Reishin looked hardly a day older than when they were hostel-mates.
Eighteen years together.
Reishin. Dumpling. How am I going to let you go?

Kijin sat down.
"I don't know why you brought up the idea of leaving me, Reishin. But since it's already out in the open, I shall say my piece on that. When I'm done, you can then take your turn. Is that alright?"

Reishin nodded.

"Good. You mentioned two areas of concern. The first - my bad eating habit and gastric. I have made up my mind to look after myself. As you saw with my lunch today, Reishin, I have already put that into effect. I hereby give you my solemn promise that I will take responsibility for my own stomach. In other words, I release you from that burden. You can leave me without worrying that I will die from stomach ulcers or something like that."

Kijin took a deep breath.
"The second – my inability to be aroused by anyone else. That is not your responsibility, Reishin. That is not a good enough reason for you to stay in a relationship. Besides, as with all organisms, sex ensures the survival of the species, but has no bearing on the survival of the individual. Without sex, I will continue to survive."

Kijin smiled slightly.
"Koyu once said to me that there are other things in life besides sex. I will find something to occupy myself with, Reishin. In any case, what you have done for me, awaken my sex drive, stays with me forever. Before we became lovers, I was already fantasizing about you, and masturbating. And I still do. And even after you leave me, I still can."

Frowning a little, Kijin continued.
"I suppose, if I really wanted to, I could think about you, get it up, and still have sex with someone else. Not that I want to, but you never know."

He turned to face Reishin directly.
"So you see, Reishin, all is not lost. I promise you that I will not do something stupid like kill myself, or destroy myself with excesses or neglect."

Kijin paused.
"You can leave me, Reishin, I will survive."

Reishin stared at Kijin, but said nothing.
How am I going to handle this?
Every once in a while something or other will trigger off Kijin's insecurity on this matter. Oh, how I wish he would just get it up with someone else! Then we will be rid of this issue forever!
This time it's totally my fault. Of all the brainless things to say! Now he thinks I'm contemplating leaving him.

Kijin averted his face. His long hair fell forward, obscuring his expression.
"Say something, Reishin."

Reishin reached forward, and with his hand, drew aside the curtain of dark hair. Kijin stiffened. Reishin released his hand, and the curtain fell back into place. He settled back in his chair.
"You and I, Kijin, we hide all the time. You, behind your stoic image. That's why you needed time, isn't it? Not to sort out your thoughts. Your thoughts are always coherent and logical. You needed time to hide your emotions, your hurt."

Reishin placed a hand over Kijin's that was resting on the table.
"I know I hide too. But for tonight I will come out into the open. I have absolutely no intention of leaving you. Recently my mind has been occupied with Koyu and Shuei's issues. Since the wedding, Shuei has not had any lapses at Koga House. But we all know it will happen. It's just a matter of time. I'm worried for both of them. Koyu's under a lot of strain. Having Koyu's situation always at the back of my mind must have been the reason for my outburst that 'I can't ever even think of leaving you!'. Shuei would go to pieces if Koyu leaves him."

He gave Kijin's hand a squeeze.
"You, I know, will not go to pieces if I leave you. You will survive. But that's about it, you will survive, but you will not be happy. Kijin, eighteen years together has made it clear, to me at least, that we are better together than apart. I know we fight a lot, and I know how it used to upset Koyu when you get exiled to the spare room. But you told me that Koyu also said to you that we are the best example ever of a loving couple. I don't know about the best example bit! But I do know that I love you. I also know that without you, I too will survive, but very very miserably!"

Reishin withdrew his hand from Kijin's.
"Right. That's enough openness, for the next eighteen years! If you should bring up any of the things I just said, I will categorically deny everything! And if you should ever again mention, or allude to, or in any way angst about, your inability-to-get-it-up-with-anyone-but-me complex, I will stop having sex with you!"

Kijin laughed. He looked at his dumpling through lashes wet with tears. He wondered what Reishin was fishing for inside his shirt. Finally, Reishin produced something made of white silk, with a complicated network of long silk ribbons attached to it.

"This"
Reishin placed the white silk thing on the table in front of Kijin.
"This is from Koyu. Shuei came to my office this morning. It's a gift for us."

Kijin picked the thing up, and turned it in all directions.
"What on earth is this?"

Reishin giggled.
"Koyu made it himself. It's for their own use, actually. But Shuei assured me that all of the half-dozen he gave us are un-used. He took them from a pile of spares. The design is modified from what women use when they are having their period."

Kijin's eyes went wide. He examined the thing again.
"Ah so! The 'modification' would be . . . this part, I guess."

Laughing, Reishin continued.
"Shuei had heard the gossip about my stained skirts yesterday. This thing will keep my skirts clean."

Kijin laughed.
"They are good kids. It's sweet how they are always looking out for us."

He paused.
"Don't worry too much about them, Dumpling. I'm sure they'll sort out the kinks in their relationship."

Reishin smiled, half-tender, half-mocking.
"Like eighteen years on, maybe?"

Kijin smiled in return. He held Koyu's gift out to Reishin.
"Put it on."

Reishin's brows rose.
"Whatever for? It's for the AFTER, not the BEFORE!"

"I want to see you in it."

"Koyu will freak out! He designed it for sanitation, not stimulation!"

"Just put it ON!"
Kijin's voice was a low growl.

[Time lapse]

Not wanting to wake Kijin, Reishin used his foot to hook onto his discarded robes.
Just a little more . . .
Ahh, got it!

Reishin smiled as he unhooked the fabric of his robe from his foot with his hand.
Well. At least I'm still flexible enough to do that manoeuvre.

He pulled the robe to cover Kijin's and his own naked bodies. He checked to see if Kijin was disturbed. Kijin's face, pressed against Reishin's chest, was blissfully asleep. With Kijin's warm breath caressing his skin, Reishin sank into a drowsy reverie.

There they were, two mature thirty-six year-olds, naked and falling asleep in the middle of the cold floor of the study! Well, at least they were lying on Kijin's robes, Reishin mused, AND covered by his own robes. Actually, he didn't feel cold at all, with Kijin's warm body against him.
Kijin's body temperature is higher than the average person's. A regular hot water-bottle, he is!
AND Kijin's sex drive must be also higher than the average person's!

Smiling, Reishin looked down at the beautiful face in repose. Poor Kijin. Lately Kijin had begun asking very ill-disguised questions, trying to find out if he were making too many sexual demands on his partner. Reishin had an idea where that came from. Kijin's mother had, on her fortieth birthday, abruptly announced to her husband that she was too old for "such things", and procured him a nubile young concubine.

Reishin doubted that he would be too old, at forty, to enjoy sex. At thirty-six, he was still very much into it! Even so, he was no match for Kijin. Kijin, who thinks that it was perfectly "reasonable" that having lunch together must necessarily lead to sex! Poor Kijin, trying to walk the line between what he suspects to be his own abnormally high libido, and what was considered a normal level of sexual activity for their age.

Sighing softly, Reishin's thoughts came to rest on Kijin's greatest source of insecurity, his inability to be aroused by anyone other than Reishin. At eighteen, they had both been virgins when they consummated their love. But there was a difference. Reishin, as with most people, had, from the advent of puberty at the age of thirteen, been sexually attracted to a number of people (all men, of course!). Kijin's was dormant until he met Reishin.

They were happily in love, and the realization that he couldn't be aroused by anyone other than his lover didn't hit Kijin until they were twenty.

And it's all Brother Shoka's fault!

[Flashback]

Nervous, Reishin glanced at Shoka again. This was totally unlike his brother! Kijin was taken aback at Shoka's self-invitation to dinner, but recovered quickly, and was quite the perfect host. Reishin marveled at his lover. He believed he was the only one that could see Kijin's tension behind his easy manner. They had been in the middle of a stand-off when Shoka dropped in, unannounced.

That was Shoka's second visit since Reishin moved in with Kijin. It looked like that was going to be the norm. Shoka, clad all in black, had emerged from the shadows soundlessly. Reishin had jumped, stifling a scream. As with the first visit, Kijin, after a brief greeting, had left the two brothers alone. Unlike the first visit, Shoka had, when Kijin returned an hour later, invited himself to dinner.

"Master Kijin, you are being too hard on Reishin."

Reishin dropped his chopsticks. Kijin's pair froze in mid-air. His masked face shifted just a fraction towards Reishin. Reishin's blood went cold. His mind screamed, "Brother Shoka! STOP!", but he couldn't get the words out.

"And why would you say that, Lord Shoka?"
Kijin's voice was frighteningly calm.

It did not frighten Shoka.
"All Reishin did was to admire another man. He did not act on it."

"Well! Since you are so much in your brother's confidence, Lord Shoka, did he also tell you that the 'admiration' went so far as actual sexual arousal?"

"Isn't that part and parcel of physical attraction, Master Kijin?"
Shoka spoke gently.
"Being in love doesn't turn a person blind to attractive others. You are both young and healthy men, it would be abnormal for you not to react to such stimuli. You can't be honest with yourself if you think you are above that, Master Kijin."

Oh, Brother Shoka! You have no idea what torment you brought to Kijin, and I, with that statement!
Reishin felt a pain in his chest. It never failed to happen whenever he recalled Kijin's reaction. That night, after Shoka left, Kijin had kept silent for a long time.

[Flashback]

"Reishin, I need to find out if I'm abnormal. It will be just this one time, I promise. I'm sorry, Reishin, I need to know. I won't be home till morning."
With that, Kijin left for the Red Light District.

Reishin didn't sleep the entire night. He wasn't sure which outcome he dreaded more. He burned with jealousy, and a sense of lost that surprised himself, at the thought of Kijin successfully bedding a man, or a woman, it didn't matter which. But he was also worried about the effect on Kijin if he discovered that he was not a normal healthy young man. It was already bad enough that Kijin only had his first erection at eighteen!

At dawn, when Kijin stepped into the bedroom, Reishin knew the answer. He would rather be eaten up by jealousy than see his Kijin in such a state.

Kijin took off his mask, and sat down in silence. He turned to Reishin. Reishin shuddered. He had never seen Kijin this beautiful, his already flawless features made even more perfect by the coldness of his expression. The perfect upper lip lifted in a sneer.
"This works out well for you, doesn't it, Reishin? You have always been jealous of Kei because of the attention he lavishes on me. It pleases you, doesn't it? That I'm totally yours."

Kijin laughed harshly.
"Now, my Dumpling, you've not only named me, you own me."

Reishin recoiled. "Dumpling" had never before been uttered in anything other than loving tones. Fighting to control his rising panic, Reishin's mind ruminated on the best response.
Is that what he wants?
To hear me say that it pleases me?
Would that make it less painful for him?
Or would that hurt him more?
Oh god, the silence is stretching too long, I HAVE to say something!
Think, Reishin, think!

"Of course it pleases me."

With that answer, the die was cast. Right or wrong, Reishin had to stick to that answer.

The shock of Kijin's discovery never really went away. Kijin appeared to have accepted it, but every so rarely, some small thing would cause that insecurity to re-surface. And each time it happened, Reishin had to tiptoe around Kijin, fitting his response to Kijin's mood. Kijin fluctuated between lashing out at Reishin, much in the same vein as on the night he made his discovery, and being quietly needy.

Reishin sighed softly, his hand stroking Kijin's sleeping head on his chest.
My poor Kijin. And this time it's my fault, bringing up this taboo subject.
Whenever we fight, I always say the worst possible things!
Sensing a movement, Reishin looked at his lover. He saw Kijin looking at him drowsily.

"What were you thinking of, Dumpling? You looked so far away."

"Number seventeen."

"Ah, that fateful one."
Kijin nuzzled Reishin's chest.
"And what's the count for this latest one?"

"Three hundred and seven. You want to record it now?"

"Why not?"

They dressed, and walked to the desk. Kijin poured a little water into the ink-slab. Reishin opened the drawer and took out a bound volume. He opened it where the bookmark was. Kijin handed Reishin the brush, and moved to stand behind him. Reishin turned to look up at his lover. They kissed briefly,

Reishin dipped the brush into the ink-slab, dabbed it against the edge of the ink-slab to remove excess ink, and proceeded to write in the book.

#307

He looked up at Kijin again, one brow raised mockingly.
"What quote would you want recorded for all of eternity?"

"My vote goes to your inelegant utterance of 'At this rate, I can't ever even think of leaving you!', because, Dumpling, you only sound this daft when you fight with me."

Reishin gave Kijin a side-long glare, but faithfully recorded the quote.
"Alright, my turn. I choose your 'Be reasonable, Reishin, having lunch with you, one thing always leads to another'.

Speaking while writing, Reishin asked,
"Would you say the duration of the fight was one day or two?"

"One and a half, really."

"It's past midnight now. So, one and a three-quarters?"

"Agreed."

Watching Reishin write, Kijin recalled their first ever fight, even before they became lovers. The recorded quote was – "Don't you Reishin me, Ko Kijin! You don't own me, not now, not ever!"

A few days after they made up, Reishin, carrying a thick volume in his arms, walked up to Kijin. He suggested that they kept a Fight Journal. As with every one of Reishin's ideas, it was insane but charming. But that was only part of the reason behind Kijin's approval of the Fight Journal.

Kijin had seen hope in that four-inch thick book-spine. At that point in their relationship, Kijin was on "probation", Reishin was in the process of making up his mind whether he wanted Kijin as a lover. That thick volume could hold many fight records,which would necessarily translate into MANYyears together! How could Kijin NOT second the idea!

Kijin, on hindsight, after eighteen years and three hundred and seven fights, had come to realize that Reishin's idea was not only charming, it was also brilliant. Somehow, the act of recording a fight very effectively distanced it, archived it, and allowed them to move forward.

"Alright. Now we wait for the ink to dry. It's a good time to have a talk. Come, Kijin."
Reishin stood up from the chair, took Kijin by the hand, and sat him down on the long rosewood bench.

Kijin eyed his lover apprehensively as Reishin sat down next to him.
"Uh, Dumpling, we're not going to be jumping from three-zero-seven directly into three-zero-eight, are we?"

"No, no!"
Laughing, Reishin reached out a hand to smoothen Kijin's frown. He'd always loved that cute furrowed brow.

Kijin sighed in relief.
"Oh. So it's a men talk better after sex thing, then?"

Reishin smirked in acknowledgement. Then his face became serious.
"Kijin, I'm not your mother."

Not my mother? What does that mean? That I'm too dependent on him?
"Reishin, I've already promised you that I'll look after my gastric. What else are you referring to?"

"No, you idiot. I meant, stop worrying that I'm getting too old to enjoy sex!"

Kijin stared.

"We are the same age, Kijin. Are you suggesting that I'm aging faster than you?"
Reishin leaned in closer, narrowing his eyes to glare at Kijin.
"I would suggest, that you stop that highly insulting train of thought."

"You knew?"

Reishin pulled back, and looked at Kijin with mocking raised brows.
"Of course. Your probing questions were way too clumsy. You, my dear, are way too straight."

"I think I'm more gay than straight."

"Very funny, Kijin."

"No, I'm not even gay."
Kijin looked directly into Reishin's eyes, smiling ruefully.
"I'm just . . . just yours, I guess."

The hazel eyes were deep and warm, all traces of mockery gone from them.
"Yes, you are."

A hint of sadness entered the hazel eyes.
"And I'm sorry I'm such a handful, Kijin. Starting from fight number seventeen, I've hurt you how many times over. I know Brother Shoka said it was normal to still admire others, but even I, me, myself, think I'm too flighty. It is ironical that we should be together, Kijin, you with your enforced fidelity, and me with my . . . problem."

Reishin paused.
"But you do know how I feel about you, don't you? At my request, you have been helping me keep away admirers for the past fifteen years. So you must know, right?"

"I do."
Kijin leaned in and nuzzled Reishin's nose. He spoke, his lips brushing against Reishin's.
"So, my same-age one, are you up to more sex?"

Reishin bit down hard on Kijin's lower lip, making him yelp.
"Is that a challenge? You're on!"

[The End]

Notes:

(1) The hot rice porridge/pickled vegetable "treatment" comes from my personal experience. When we were kids, that was my mother's standard "sick person's diet", be it diarrhoea or fever. And really, when you are feeling unwell, nothing is more soothing or palatable than the oil-free rice porridge. In my teens, I was very susceptible to gastric flu. My family doctor recommended this same diet because it is oil-free and fibre-free, and therefore makes very little demands on the stomach. On my own, I've found that this diet is the best and only thing to eat for all other sorts of gastric upset, like food poisoning, and just plain and simple cholic. This pickled vegetable in light soya sauce is commercially available in little glass bottles, mostly from Taiwan and China. The label says "pickled lettuce", I think it's the stem that's used in the product. The rice gruel is cooked with A LOT of water, and the rice grains are lightly cooked, soft enough to eat, but not mushy/disintegrated like the way it is in congee. The important thing is the rice GRUEL, you have to drink that up! The gruel soothes the stomach, the grains, of course, provide sustenance, and the pickled vegetable helps to get the rice gruel down.

(2) Reishin and Kijin met and fell in love when they were both scholars staying in the palace hostel. This story is told in the 7-chapter fic 奇人KI-JIN. The story of how Reishin "named" Kijin is found in chapter 1. The recorded quote from their first-ever fight, "Don't you Reishin me, Ko Kijin! You don't own me, not now, not ever!", is from chapter 2.

(3) Reishin's request to Kijin to help him fend off admirers is first mentioned in chapter 6 of Twin Irises.

(4) Message for kkcheng : your comment on Reishin being so "flighty" came in just as I was starting to write this story. Did you notice I borrowed your word? Uttered by none other than the flighty one himself! ^_^