Something about 3x04 that still isn't sitting right with me is Happy's choice of words when she said she needed to marry Toby. So, this is me and my emotions making sense of it in my heart :)
Also, a big thank you to the lovely Maggie for being a beautiful beta on this!
"I need to be able to marry Toby, Walter, because I'm pregnant."
After Happy's announcement, it doesn't take long for everyone to clear out and escape the tension, to give Happy and Toby a moment alone. The stuttering of hesitant well-wishes remain in the air after every slam of the garage door as the rest of the team quickly exits with curiosity in their eyes.
Not knowing what to say, Toby turns away from Happy, gaze aimlessly flitting across the now empty garage, when his eyes land on his HHH 'research.'
Toby heads toward the whiteboard first, picks up the eraser and wipes away everything but Walter's name. Tilting his head to one side, he stands there staring at the name for a little too long before he just walks away, not bothering to clean it off, figuring you can't erase a fact, anyway.
He heads in the direction of his fifty stupid grapes and all he can think of as he throws each one of them away are the fifty ways he never saw any of this coming.
Happy, feeling uneasy just standing around, shuffles over to help him. She reaches to move the water tank into the kitchen. A series of studies on pregnancy and the dangers of lifting heavy objects flood Toby's brain and he stops her, nods in the direction of the whiteboard instead, and she walks over to promptly rub away Walter's name before pushing it to its place in the back of the garage.
It doesn't take long for them to clear away the rest of his HHH operation. When they're finished, there's something too heavy about the quiet that's settled in the air around them. Happy's always felt comfortable in silences, but not this one. She finally breaks it by asking, "Doc, maybe we should go and talk about this at home?"
Toby ignores her question, stumbling his way over to the red couch and showing no interest in leaving. She doesn't follow him, choosing instead to remain by his desk as she wonders if he wants her near him, if the space next to him on the couch is big enough for her and all of today's secrets.
Happy considers leaving him alone for a while, giving him some time to think everything through, but she doesn't know where she would go. Happy isn't sure what to call her apartment without Toby inside it because home seems like too much of a big word for just one person.
"You can come and sit down, sweetheart," he mumbles, breaking her out of her thoughts.
Happy strides over there quickly, scared that he might change his mind. She sits down next to him and when she can't help but move a little closer, her shoulder brushes against his and something strange and uncomfortable fills the space between them again. It frustrates her how she's managed to put all this distance between them.
Feeling an intense need to re-establish their connection, Happy hesitates before running a hand through the curls on the side of his head with something softer than usual in the caress. The way he tilts his head and desperately leans into the touch despite everything breaks her heart.
"I'm sorry," Happy breathes out, unable to hold it back.
When he looks over at her, it's from behind a wall of quiet hurt and confusion, eyes laced with love and anger and fear and something else entirely, something indistinct that she never thought she could put inside him.
Toby sighs, lets his next words sit on his tongue just for a moment, but it's long enough to make her nervous.
"Hap, I love you so much," he finally whispers.
Happy bites down on her lower lip, digging her nails into the palm of her hands, and he can tell that she is afraid of what he'll say next, afraid of the but, so he moves to take hold of her hand to quell her twisting nerves.
Even now, when there's so much uncertainty around them, Toby will always be there for her, be what she needs. She is the addiction he will never quit, no matter how much it heals or hurts him. "If you need to marry me for our baby, I'm here for you, both of you. Okay?"
Happy's eyes widen slightly as she hears a distortion of her own words echo back at her. They didn't sound like that in her head. They didn't sound like problem, sound like solution, sound like logic instead of love and, god, he's got to know how much I love him back, right?
Though, something about the look on his face, the way he wears this ache in his chest, and the too tight grip he's got on her hand (like he's afraid she might want to let go) tell her that maybe he doesn't.
The realization pools tears into the corner of her eyes and she finds herself welling up from a frustration and desperation at the way that words have always stumbled out of her mouth upside down. How they were never quite enough. How she was never quite enough. Because when Toby looks at her with his wide puppy eyes, all warm smile and willing heart, she's never felt like so much of anything to anybody.
"No, Toby, I – I need to marry you because – "
Happy cuts herself off and leans towards him, closing the leftover distance between them. The slant of her lips against his is soft and sorry, almost desperate in a way as she works to express to him through touch the words that she's doesn't know how to fit together.
As she kisses him, she tells him that she needs to be able to marry him, not only because she's pregnant, but because of the way he wakes her up with a smile brighter than the sun, looks at her like she's as beautiful as the moon, and kisses her like the whole universe could never break them apart.
When she carefully slides herself onto his lap, she tells him that she needs to marry him because of the way she's never felt truly safe anywhere but him and that when he holds her close it feels like he's protecting her from a thousand painful memories in ways she couldn't do alone.
When she gently wraps her arms around him, she tells him that she needs to marry him because of how he loves her enough to always believe in her, to never give up on her, to want to stay and be the building bricks of the family she'd never known she could have.
When she pulls him closer to her, leaves no space between them, she tells him that she needs to marry him because she's never loved anyone the way she loves him. That he is the one she has always wanted by her side through this, through anything, through life. No matter what.
When she's said all that she can, she pulls back to gaze into his eyes. Happy can feel him looking at her differently. His eyes are softer, a distinct understanding beginning to bloom alongside the grief.
The air between them is still slick with confusion and questions he doesn't know how to ask about her history and their future, but they all melt away when Toby tries to speak.
"Fuck, Happy, I – " The rest of Toby's sentence catches in his throat as he can't help but let the quiet tears that have been building up inside him begin to lightly bleed down his cheeks, hands clenching around the leather of the couch as he tries to get a grip on something.
Happy reaches down slightly, linking his fingers with hers as she moves their hands between them. She gently brushes her lips over his knuckles to calm him down and when she does, Happy can feel his whole body trembling slightly.
Happy knows her hands are shaking the same, so she murmurs, "Tomorrow, Toby," against the back of his hand, understanding that they've both reached their limit for today. They need time for everything to sink in – there is only so much their hearts and heads can handle at once.
Afraid for what tomorrow holds in its hands, they collapse into each other on the couch like a lifeline, letting their brains forget about everything, just for a moment. They anchor themselves in the other and hope that tomorrow they won't sink together, that this heavy ache in their bones will somehow break away instead of breaking them apart.
For a while they lie wrapped up in a tangle of heartaches and heartbeats, a mismatch of rhythms and pains rippling through their bodies. Happy's heart sits in her chest like a hurricane, awake and humming with a thousand regrets and worries and possibilities for what's to come.
At the same time, she can feel Toby begin to relax in her embrace, feel the converse way his heartbeat slowly steadies as he sinks into sleep, a cadent thudding pressed up against her that feels solid and dependable and something inside her knows that, somehow, it will always be there.
Still, it feels so wrong for the two of them to be so out of sync with each other, and it makes Happy worry, makes her wonder if this love they've created between them, something so soft and gentle and new, is strong enough to hold everything she's carried with her for so long.
But when he shifts in his sleep, wraps one arm around her shoulders and moves the other to lie across her waist, warm fingers splayed protectively over her stomach as he pulls her and their future close and kisses behind her ear in such a familiar and comforting way that she can feel her whole body begin to breathe again, she knows it won't be long before his heartbeat falls back in time with her own.