A/N: Hello, at the (sort of request) of some of the wonderful people on Room Of Requirement facebook group, I have decided to attempt my own Marauders-at-Hogwarts fic! As an avid Jily shipper this is going to focus heavily on them (it is also told from Lily's POV as her diary too) however there will be as many subplots with the other marauders as is possible in this format, and will be as cannon as I can make it. It's going to follow through from the end of fifth year right up until the night that Lily and James die, Peter becomes a rat and Sirius goes to Azkaban.

Disclaimer - I own nothing that you recognise basically, if I did we would already have a full series of books about the marauders hogwarts times now!

June 7th 1976

9.54pm

Dear Diary,

O.W.L's are over. Done, finito, over and complete. I never have to look at another Transfiguration text book again if I don't want too. I should be happy, right? I should be thrilled to bloody bits, feeling completely relieved and exhumed and downstairs, with Marlene and Alice and Hestia and all of the other fifth year Gryffindors partying it up, drinking myself into oblivion, finally letting my hair down after five years of hard work. I can hear the party form up here, everyones singing and laughing and shouting - I can faintly make out Sirius Blacks loud out of tune voice singing along to some Weird Sisters song or another. I should be there with them, dancing, carefree and happy.

But I'm not.

I'm sat up here in my dorm room, bottle of butterbear in hand that Remus brought up for me a while ago (it's funny, he seems to be the only one who really gets this), sat on my window seat and writing in you. I should go down, I know I should. But...I just...can't? Do you understand? It just feels wrong to be celebrating like this when everything else in my life is so terribly terribly wrong at the moment.

Potter came up a while ago, a little too drunk if you ask me, and demanded to know why in the name of 'Merlin's Great Aunt' I was not downstairs and having fun like everyone else.

I told him to bog off. Told him it was none of his business and that he was a pig with no right to be anywhere near me, let alone in my room pretending to give a shit about me.

The look of utter defeat on his face made me almost feel sorry for him. He was only trying to be nice, I suppose. It reminded me of the first time he asked me out at Christmas in third year, when he basically told me that we would be attending Slug Horns Christmas Party together and then I had - maybe a little harshly - told him that I would rather go with the Giant Squid than him in front of the entire third and fourth year.

He yelled at me then, got angry, running his hands through his irritatingly messy black hair and clenching his fists.

And it made me feel better, how twisted is that? He told me that it really was a shame that I had that stick rammed so far up my arse that I couldn't even have a little fun at a time like this! Told me that I needed fun more that anyone, called me a bore!

And I just stood there and took it. I wanted to yell at him, but I didn't. I just couldn't. I just bloody couldn't because he's right. I wish he wasn't, wish I could blame him, say it's his fault, that it's all his bloody fault. That selfish, arrogant, pig-headed, stupid boy - that if he hadn't pushed him too far, if he hadn't taken everything too far then...then...then nothing. It still would have happened. If not then, then some other time. I know that just like I know that he's right.

You see, this is exactly my dilemma. Why even more so than Severus, it's him that I cannot bare to look at. Because I should be blaming him, Merlin I want to blame him, to pin this all on him, to be able to scream at him, yell at him, curse him, hex him into next week for what he did because it hurts and he is the reason it happened. But you see, he isn't, is he? Not really. It had been coming for ages.

Mary said it, just before it happened the other day. Said that I was fooling myself, thinking that it was possible for us to still be friends. Said that I needed to wake up and realise that he wasn't the person I used to know. And she was right. The Sev I grew up with wouldn't go around hexing first years for the fun of it. Wouldn't dabble in the dark arts, wouldn't want to become one of them. And she's right. He wasn't my bestfriend for ages before he...called me a mud- that word, he wouldn't talk to me in front of his other friends, wouldn't acknowledge my presence unless it suited him. Bloody hell, James-the-prat-Potter and Sirius Black have been better friends to me this past year or so than him (and given we aren't even 'friends' as such that is saying something!). He doesn't belong in my life. And...and I think I'm okay with that. Well. Not okay. But I will be, you know?

Hold on, someone's at the door, Sweet Mother of Merlin if it is bloody Potter again I will hex the boy into next week!

...

10.23pm

I am seething. Positively seething. How bloody dare he? HOW DARE HE?

It was Marlene at the door just now. All apologetic and awkward (which for Marlene is seriously saying something) she told me that Severus had come to the common room, was stood outside, refusing to leave unless I spoke to him. Threatening to sleep outside the portrait if he had too for Merlins sake!

So, much to the horror of everyone (especially Potter though. Mary whispered to me that the black eye he'd been sporting since the morning was because he'd got himself in a fight with Sev and his friends, 'defending my honour' or something when I asked why he looked a little worse for wear. Alice cooed over this, said it was romantic. I said it just made him an even bigger arse who clearly didn't know me because the last thing I wanted was for him to stoop so low as to physical violence, but of course that would be his hot-headed arrogant reaction) I spoke to him.

He apologised, said that he'd "never meant to call me a Mudblood" and that it just "slipped out". I told him it was too late, that I was fed up of making excuses for him when he didn't bloody well deserve them. Told him that he had chosen his way and that I had chosen mine and that that was the end of it. And then I walked off and shut the door behind me.

But that's not why I'm mad. If anything, I feel...good about that, wasn't I just saying that I thought I had made peace with it all? It's the way it has to be. It was the right thing to do and its not the sort of thing that you can just apologise for. No, it was a good thing it happened, I truly believe that now I think. It opened my eyes and woke me up, let me see just how blind I had been, seeing Snape just now reaffirmed this for me.

No, I'm mad because just as I got to the bottom of the girls stairs on my way back up here - actually with the intent of finishing my entry here and then going down and joining the party - James bloody Potter called out a bitter, cruel sounding "Alright, Evans" and when I ignored him (partly because I hated him at this moment and was too tried to deal with his shit, and partly because I couldn't bare to see the look in his eye if that was the way he was saying my name, like it was infected), so he grabbed my wrist and pulled me back, this wild look in his eyes almost and demanded to know what the fuck I think I'm doing? Tells me he thought I had more sense than to just go running back into the arms of 'that slimy git', told me that if that was the case then I was weaker than he gave me credit for. Before telling me that I was worth more than that, that Snape, didn't deserve my friendship. (Which is bloody right but that's besides the point) so, I did the only thing I knew how. I yelled at him, screamed that if he bothered to pay any attention to anything outside of himself then he would have been able to tell that I hadn't forgiven him. That I had effectively told him that I never wanted to see him again or ever have anything to do with him again. That if he wasn't so self absorbed he would be able to see that this wasn't his fault, that this wasn't about him or any of his bloody business so if he could kindly just fuck off it would be greatly appreciated! The whole party stopped to stare at us. Look at us in shock because, oh what a surprise, yet another Potter/Evans fight. How bloody marvellous.

I stormed off, and just before I slammed my door I heard him yell "Alright, shows over".

That's why I'm mad.

Because that boy somehow manages to make everything about him! And HOW DARE HE? HOW BLOODY DARE HE I JUST DID THE HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE AND TOLD MY BEST - no - EX BESTFRIEND THAT I WOULD NEVER SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN AND ACTUALLY MEANT IT, FINALLY COME TO TERMs WITH THAT IN MY HEAD AND HE HAS TO BLOODY WELL GO AND MAKE IT ABOUT HIM, YET AGAIN, DRAW THE ATTENTION BACK TO HIM. HE IS SUCH AN ARROGANT, PIG-HEADED, MEAN, STUPID, SPOILED, IRRITATING, ARSE HOLE AND I CAN'T EVEN FATHOM HOW I AM GOING TO GO DOWN THERE NOW.

*takes deep breath*

I'm going to bed. I can't deal with all of this right now.

Lily x