I can still hear the bullet and feel him pushing me to the ground, feel his weight atop of mine. Hear everyone's screams and remember the look in his eyes, he was so scared. I pushed him off of me and the gloss began to form in my eyes as he got a faraway look in his eyes.

"Kate?" he was scared, "Kate I…"

"Castle! Castle! Stay with me! Stay with me Castle! Castle!"

It was in that moment that I felt I had to finally show my weakness as my heart stumbled over lies and the truth of the matter bubbled to the surface, "Castle, please. I love-"but he closed his eyes and once again he couldn't hear the most courages word I'd ever dared say aloud.

I'm at the hospital now and Alexis won't even look at me. I want to ask about you, but I'm not family. Martha is visibly shaking. The rest of the family precinct is glancing at one another. We all have questions, yet no one speaks.

Eventually I ask about you and I'm sent to ICU to wait with Alexis and Martha. I'm unsure I want to be here. Surgery. You are having life or death surgery, because you took a bullet for me. Will you make it? Tick Tock Tick Tock I can hear the second hand on the cheap plastic clock.

I'm drawn out of my thoughts as Alexis walks toward me reminding me of my previous thoughts, "If it wasn't for you he wouldn't be in there! You…"

Martha walks up to her and takes her arm gently pulling her back, "Alexis!"

"No it's okay." I don't know what else to say. The room is heavy with tension and I have to leave. I walk down the long corridor and find some coffee, as I stir it I wonder if you will ever be able to bring me another cup of it. Lanie is right; Castle and I are much more than just coffee.

Day turns to night and I find a chair in another room. I'm in a hell all of my own. I can't share this hell with Castle's family. I was the cause of it.

I inhale and exhale watching my chest rise and fall, hearing my own breath and wonder will you ever be able to listen to yourself breathe again? It's been hours and I debate walking back into the ICU waiting room. I don't.

It's silently still, eerie like when a doctor walks in. My eyes look up at him as he walks to the family across from me. I can't hear what he says, but I know it's not good. His stride was slow his eyes weary and gone. The mother crumbles to the floor. I want my own waiting room.

The family leaves and it's just me and two others now. Waiting, hoping, praying, and feeling helpless all at once.

A doctor is walking my way, and it's Josh? My eyes lift to him as he stands before me. I wonder if he expects me to want any comfort from him right now. If he offered it I wouldn't be able to take it. I just want one person right now and I know that I just want Castle. No I need him. I need him to be okay, because I have realized the truth. Castle awakes something inside of me; he makes me feel more alive than any man ever has. My head might tell me everything is too confusing right now to accept what I said, but my heart is very clear on the matter. I love him. I don't love Josh. I really like him, but I don't love him.

I have so many questions. We all do in this room. They constantly race through your mind driving you insane, every possibility. Life can change so quickly, I should know that. If only I had been able to allow myself to let him have my heart earlier. Though, I wasn't ready. So, what now?

My questions don't really matter though, do they? It just comes down to what Josh says. Alive? Dead? Paralyzed? The worst enters my mind as I hope for the best.

The man in front of me opens his mouth. I don't see Josh, just a doctor who holds vital information that I need.

"We've got him stable Kate."

I'm quiet. Stable is good I think and let Josh go on. "The bullet just missed his spinal column."

He waited for me to ask if he was going to be okay, I didn't.

"He's going to be okay Kate," we took good care of him. Josh wanted to comfort me, but I couldn't have that now.

I needed to change the subject, "How are Martha and Alexis?"

Josh exhales, "They are worried, but relieved."

I let out a puff of air I didn't know I was holding back and feel Josh lift my chin up to look at him. I look into his eyes, but don't stand, "I just need to sit out here a bit. Thanks for letting me know how he is."

"No problem." Josh smiles a sad smile and walks away; he is on call after all. It's then I realize I shouldn't be here. I need to go home, and so I do. I quietly leave without telling anyone and go back to my empty apartment with a full mind.

It's late and I have missed calls from Javi, Lanie, and Ryan. I can't talk to them right now and after my apartment becomes encompassed in black, also known as the dark depressing hours of a terrifying lonely night. It's three am and I realize I'm physically shaking. It's then I recognize I can't stay in my bed any longer. I have come to understand a lot tonight.

I drive to the hospital, and soon I'm in ICU waiting again. Martha is there asleep on a chair, but Alexis is not. Maybe Martha told her to go home for now? Maybe she went to get coffee? A doctor walks in and up to another family, they look relieved at the news he has brought. I walk up to him and ask of you. I'm told you are asleep.

I don't care that you are asleep, "Can I see him?"

The doctor looks tired and doesn't ask if I am family. "Yes, he is in room 304."

"Thank you." I manage to utter before my legs carry me as fast as they can toward room 304.

Before I walk through the door I draw in a deep shaky breath and turn the handle. My eyes immediately see a person at your bed. Its Alexis, I freeze a moment, but she is in a deep sleep snoring lightly, her head resting on her father's bed. I know I can't stay, but I want too. I glance over you and my eyes fill with gloss. I turn to leave, but Alexis wakes.

"Why-who let you in here?" her voice is still laden with sleep, but awake enough to be laced with anger.

I have no words for her. I only stand frozen staring back into her eyes.

She gets up and walks toward me, yet I can't bring myself to move. Today happened and even Alexis couldn't undo the events of the day. The realization that I had come to and the fact that despite all of my fears, I had reached out and said words her father had shown me on a daily basis.

"Why are you here? You are the reason he almost died!" Alexis' voice was that of a hissed whisper. She walked right up to me thinking I would back out of the room, but I stood my ground.

"Alexis, I'm here for the same reason you are here," I drew in a breath and stood straighter.

Alexis stared at her skeptically, her eyes still full of anger, "Then why won't you let him love you Detective?"

"I will." My voice was full of more affirmation than I had anticipated.

"When, ten years from now? I know you've felt much more love than you've shown him," Alexis huffed frustrated, "everyone does."

"Yes I have, but I'm ready to let him in today." I let my heart speak for once in my life, the truth of the matter out in the open.

Alexis smiled a wry smile, "I still don't believe you," she stared at me with anger ever present in her eyes. We stared each other down in the early morning night neither one of us knowing what to say.

"Alexis?" Castle's voice was cracked and dry, he was tired.

"Dad!" she ran over to him. She started to cry as she hugged him as much as she could.

"It's okay, I'm okay." Castle reassured her. I stood still observing, but wanting to come closer. I felt like I was imposing on their moment so I turned to leave.

"We were all so worried," I could hear Alexis crying.

"Hey, I'm fine. How is Kate?" my hand was on the door knob as I heard Castle's cracked voice ask of me. I opened the door and walked out of the room. "Alexis?"

I was halfway down the corridor when I felt a presence behind me and turned just as Alexis grabbed my arm, "Wait."

I cocked my head, "What's wrong?"

"I realized it's not up to me to believe you or disbelieve you," Alexis exhaled deliberately; she looked so tired, "I understand you make him happy, and he is not going to stop loving you. I just hope what you said is the truth and you don't hurt him," Alexis sighed and shrugged her shoulders, "he is asking for you Beckett. I told him you were here. I'm going to go let my Grandma know he is awake."

I stood, just staring at her. "Thank you Alexis," I smiled, and felt gloss forming in my eyes as I walked through room 304.

I walked over to his bed and sat in the chair occupied by Alexis moments ago, "Hey," my voice was soft and I reached up and took his hand in mine.

"Hey," he mirrored my words and smile.

"Castle, you shouldn't have taken that bullet for me. You terrified everyone," I scolded quietly.

"You're welcome for saving your life, no big deal," he smiled lightly.

I smiled in return, "Thank you Castle."

"Anytime," he smiled back.

"How are you feeling?" I wondered.

"Like I was shot and cut open and all that icky stuff." He said and I chuckled, who says icky?

"Castle?" I drew in a deep shaky breath, "Castle I said something, something when you were shot that-"

I turned to see the door opening and Martha rushing in the room followed by Alexis, "Oh Rick! Oh, dear how are you feeling?" Martha rushed over toward her son and I stood letting go of his hand and all of what I had come to realize I pulled strength from. He turned to look at his mother as I glanced at Alexis and then turned to let them alone.

"Kate?" I turned around as my name fell from his lips. I raised my brows in question, "You too." My face fell and I unsuccessfully tried to hide a large smile. Martha and Alexis looked at me, the room was silently still.

I inhaled and turned to leave, "Kate, honey, where are you going?" Martha asked before I made it to the door.

"I-I have to be at work by five and its 4:30." I managed to stammer out.

"Alexis and I were going to get some coffee, why don't you come and say goodbye to Rick before you leave." Martha smiled and Alexis looked at her Grandmother with a bit of dismay, she still had pent up animosity toward me no matter what she had said.

"Oh, it's okay, I know you haven't-" I started.

"I insist." Martha smiled and brought Alexis up with her. Suddenly, it was just Castle and I in his room. I smiled and let the gloss show in my eyes this time as I walked over to his bed.

I didn't let my clouded head do the thinking, but allowed my heart and all the clarity it held to rest my head on his chest without thinking, "I was so scared I lost you." I pulled back to look into his eyes and smiled as he brushed his fingers gently over my forehead and through my hair.

"No, no, it's okay. I'm fine," he reassured me as I took his hand.

I drew in a shaky breath and slowly let it out, "Castle, about..."

"I know," he smiled, I had ached to kiss him for so long. While, I was with Josh, my heart had always been with Castle and I couldn't help the way I felt. I leaned down and met his lips, closing my eyes I let out a soft moan our our lips crashed into one another over and over. "I've known for a while."

I smiled and bowed my head to my his allowing myself to laugh, because I could and I was genuinely happy. I squeezed his hand, "I do have to get to work Castle."

"They won't make an exception, even for me? I mean I did almost die." Castle joked and I laughed.

"No, they won't. Tomorrow?" I asked not wanting to leave.

"It's already tomorrow, what about today after work? You can't just love'em and leave'em Katherine Beckett." he joked and I smiled.

"Today." I smiled and nodded yes. I told Alexis I would let him in today, and I intended to keep my word.

"Today," he smiled and squeezed my hand and I reluctantly let his go. As I rode up the elevator of the 12th that morning I smiled, because I not only understood, but I was okay with the fact that wherever I invested my love I was investing my life. That my best friend was so much more than a best friend and in the end I couldn't ever see myself with anyone other than Rick Castle.