Tales of High School: An Epic Story of Adventure, Acne, and Hormones
Written by Salaamiboy36
I do not own Tales of Symphonia, Namco Tales Ltd., or any related characters, settings, situations, or otherwise trademarked items.
Chapter I: The Scary Man and His Scary Van
"Keimig, wake up!" came Mr. Preheim's angry yell, "Keimig!"
Jake yawned. He had never actually fallen asleep during one of Mr. Preheim's oh-so-exciting scientific documentaries before, although he had come close. 'Let's Learn About Grass' was just too boring to sit through for an entire forty-five minutes. Seeing the devilish look on his teacher's face, Jake immediately sat erect in his chair and paid attention.
"Continuing on, grass is very important to the Earth's ecology due to the fact that…" Mr. Preheim droned on in his monotonous voice.
Jake found himself slowly slipping back into la-la land. He was glad for laws on child abuse; otherwise Mr. Preheim would probably make him stand in the back of the class with buckets on his arms and erasers in his face. He wondered if…
"Keimig!" Mr. Preheim yelled, causing the room to jump. Jake silently groaned and sat upright again. Nobody else had been paying attention, either (except for maybe Stephen and Nikki, but then again they always paid attention). Why did Mr. Preheim have to pick on him? "Were you sleeping again?" Mr. Preheim continued.
"No," Jake said in complete honesty, "I was just thinking really hard."
Mr. Preheim wasn't convinced. "I believe that! What were you thinking about?"
"Politics," Jake answered truthfully.
"Fine, then! Someone else will answer the question! Stephen! Question! Now!" Mr. Preheim bellowed.
"OK! Luke, the hero, brought about the end of the Ancient War on the Holy Ground of Kharlan by signing the treaty that ended the war," Stephen said smartly.
"Right. I'm glad someone pays attention in class," Mr. Preheim said with such obvious hostility that Jake was afraid of erasers and buckets again. Mr. Preheim started back into his lecture-mode. "After that, Luke formed a pact with Whitney to seal away the Nazis whom caused the war."
"But the Nazis came back and are making everybody suffer!" Jake exclaimed, "And weren't we talking about grass a minute ago?"
"We already covered that, Keimig!" Mr. Preheim angrily declared, then slowed down to his 'you-are-so-stupid-why-am-I-even-bothering-explaining-this-to-you' voice, "When the seal weakens the Nazis reappear, just like they have now. Then the Chosen One goes on a journey of regeneration."
Jake was baffled. How did weakening water mammals relate to Nazis? What was the Chosen trying to regenerate, anyway? And how was she chosen? Did she enter a contest or something? What did any of this have to do with grass? Seeing his confusion, Nikki slowly slipped Jake her notes.
"Chosen One!" Mr. Preheim called out. After a moment of silence he yelled with a slight temper flare, "Mellinger!"
Ashton Mellinger jolted into a standing position. She hadn't been paying attention, either. "Yessir!" she exclaimed in panic.
"Sit down!" Mr. Preheim yelled. Ashton did as she was told. "What's the journey of World Regeneration about?" Nikki raised her hand high in the air.
"Uh…it's…I don't know," Ashton answered. Nikki's hand waggled a bit as she stretched it higher and higher.
"The Chosen doesn't know…the Chosen doesn't know what the World Regeneration Journey is…that's just pathetic," said Mr. Preheim. Nikki looked like she was about to explode. "What, Daniels?"
"It's a journey to seal away the Nazis! Upon passing the trials of Whitney, the Summon Spirits of the world awaken and mana is restored!" Nikki said breathlessly.
"Great. I should expect Daniels to know that one" said Mr. Preheim, "Moving on! Dried grass can be spun into a synthetic herb mostly used for…" Mr. Preheim was interrupted by a brilliant flash of light emanating from the Whitney Temple.
"Whoa…" said Jake.
"Ooh…" said Ashton.
"No cameras in school! If that was a cell phone, then someone is going to—" said Mr. Preheim while whipping out the board eraser.
"No, Mr. Preheim!" Nikki corrected, "That light was from the chapel!"
Mr. Preheim sighed. "Fine, I'll go and check on the chapel! Daniels! Come with me! I don't know anything about this kind of stuff."
"Then why do you teach it?" Jake asked skeptically.
"Shut up, Keimig!" Mr. Preheim yelled.
"Professor! I'll go—" Ashton began.
"Shut up, Mellinger!" Mr. Preheim yelled again, "Everybody needs to sit down, shut up, and read!" He and Nikki left for the Whitney Temple.
Jake immediately rose from his seat and tried talking to his fellow classmates, but they were all too excited about the oracle to talk about anything else. He desperately needed help on his science exam, but nobody else seemed to know anything about grass either. Finally Jake gave up and decided to gyp class. He knew that Mr. Preheim wouldn't be back for about an hour or so, and it was really hot in the classroom.
As he headed for the exit, Stephen stopped him. "Where are you going?"
"Um…nowhere…" Jake lied.
"Mr. Preheim told us to stay here and do research," Stephen said, "He'll kill you if he finds out you're cutting class."
Stephen had a good point, but Jake still didn't want to stay in the classroom. "Yeah, but…it is research!" Jake lied again. He knew that he would have to make up some excuse, so he quickly formulated a plan in his mind.
"What are you going to do, anyway?" Stephen asked.
"I'm going to study at the Whitney Temple," Jake decided.
"He told us to stay here and do research," said Stephen.
"No, he told us to sit down, shut up, and read," Jake remembered, "So as long as I'm sitting down and reading at the Whitney Temple I'll be all right."
"But…that's…" Stephen was struggling to find words to describe how bad Jake's excuse was.
"Hey, Ashton! You wanna come, too?" Jake suggested.
"Huh?" said Ashton.
"You wanna go to the Whitney Temple with us?"
"Us!?" Stephen exclaimed.
"Okay, I guess so," said Ashton.
"You guess so? Aren't you excited?" Jake asked.
"About what?" Ashton asked.
"You're the Chosen! You're going to receive the oracle!" said Jake.
"Jake, weren't you confused about all of this a minute ago during class?" Stephen asked.
"Shut up!" said Jake, "I borrowed Nikki's notes…" There was an awkward silence as Ashton and Stephen reflected upon Jake's ADD problems. "Let's get going!" Jake said hurriedly.
"Yeah!" Ashton agreed.
"I still don't know if I wanna…" Stephen complained.
"C'mon! C'mon!" Jake insisted, dragging Stephen through the school's archway. The school's funds were so low that they couldn't even afford to have doors installed inside the schoolroom. Jake was very concerned about the government's refusal to raise educational funds. He supposed that the Republicans were behind it, but he really didn't know because his TV had been repossessed since Dirk, his foster parent, was working for minimum wage. Maybe the Senate should…
"Jake! Open the door!" Ashton called, driving any thought of politics from Jake's mind.
"Right! Door!" Jake reminded himself as he pressed onward.
Ashton's father happened to walk by just as the three teenagers were leaving the school building. "Hi, Dad!" Ashton called.
"Frank!" said a grateful Stephen. Surely Frank would send the three of them back to school.!
"Ashton! The Nazis attacked the Temple!" Frank informed the group.
"Is the rest of the village safe?" Jake asked.
"Yes, everyone was evacuated safely. Ashton, you should go to the Temple," Frank suggested.
"But the Nazis are there!" Ashton exclaimed.
"No buts! Do you want me to take away your cell phone?" Frank threatened.
"Fine…" Ashton mumbled.
"That's my little girl! Here's some money!" said Frank.
Acquired 1000 Gald
"Yay, Daddy!" Ashton cried, suddenly perky again.
"Be careful," Frank warned, "I don't know why the Nazis have broken the non-aggression treaty."
"You mean that treaty where they don't attack the village as long as we don't go near the ranch?" Stephen asked.
"Yes…that's why it's called a non-aggression treaty," Frank pointed out.
Jake sighed. "I'll go to the Temple, too." His thoughts of skipping class to go and see the new James Bond movie were fading away swiftly. At least going to the Temple would give him something to do.
"Come by my house if you need help," said Frank as he turned to enter the nearby video store.
"Bye, Dad!" said Ashton.
"Bye, Frank!" said Jake.
Stephen couldn't believe his ears. "Wait, so you guys are going to the Whitney Temple where the Nazis are? Are you stupid or something?"
"If Ashton goes there by herself, she'll get creamed," Jake reasoned, "And she's not going to change her mind since her Dad bribed her with 1000 Gald, which is more than Dirk makes in a year on minimum wage."
"Why is it that you always have to be the nice guy?" Stephen wondered aloud.
"Hey! Is it wrong to be nice?" Jake retorted, although he realized afterward that he needed to work on his comebacks.
"It can be! Like when there are Nazis involved! Do you even know what a Nazi is?" said Stephen.
"I know that they're really bad!" said Jake. Stephen proceeded to explain to Jake exactly what a Nazi was. Meanwhile, Ashton had already reached the village's exit where a scary man was loitering with a scary van.
"Hey there, sweet thang. Where you headed?" asked the scary man.
"Um, who are you?" Ashton asked skeptically.
"I can be anybody you want, baby…" the man said seductively.
"That's…gross. I think I should go now," said Ashton as she made a break for the gate. The scary man caught her by the arm.
"C'mon. I've got some baby kittens in my van. Don't you like kittens?" said the man, "I'll give you some candy, too…"
"Guys! Help!" Ashton cried.
Jake rushed over to the gate, while Stephen yelled at Jake for being too nice for his own good.
"What's wrong, Ashton?" Jake asked, although it was painfully obvious what was wrong.
"It's a scary man and his scary van!" Ashton called.
"I thought the area where the Temple was located was a sanctuary! Why would a hobo…" Stephen thought aloud again.
Jake wondered why the scary man would have such a scary van. It was probably somehow related to minimum wage laws. Dirk's car had been repossessed and so he had had to ride Noishe, their mutant dog, everywhere he went. Also, it appeared that the scary man had kittens in his scary van. Jake liked kittens. He had had many kittens in his lifetime, but they had been repossessed because Dirk couldn't afford…
"Jake! What are you doing? Get over here!" Ashton yelled as she was carried by the scary man into his scary van.
"Stop!" Jake cried, running up to the scary man and whacking him with a wooden sword.
"They got me!" The man randomly turned into a zombie and ran at Jake, who hit him with his swords of wood. Ashton threw stuff at him and Stephen recited pi. Eventually the zombie died, even though that wasn't logically possible.
"If that had been a Nazi, we all would've died!" said Stephen.
"How is a Nazi worse than a zombie? I hardly see the logic in that," said Jake.
"He's got a point," said Ashton.
"Besides, Nazis can't be that tough. I've got my Exsphere, after all!" said Jake.
"Oh yeah, that's right. Jake's a wimp who has to use an Exsphere to give him a cheap advantage in battle," said Stephen.
"Shut up!" Jake yelled, "If you're gonna say it, make it sound good!"
"How would I do that?" Stephen asked.
"It's designed for combat and brings out my maximum strength," said Jake.
"Wimp," said Stephen.
"You're one to talk," said Jake.
"Hey, you guys! Come over here!" Ashton called from inside the scary van. As Stephen and Jake entered the van, they saw a whole litter of kittens mewing.
"Aww, they're so cute!" said Jake affectionately. The kittens lunged at him, scratching him with sharp claws and biting him all over. "Ack! Get off! Get off! Get off!"
The kittens turned into a zombie and a ghost. Jake groaned. "Not another zombie!"
"Be glad it's not a Nazi!" said Stephen.
"Wait! Mr. Preheim said that ghosts and zombies aren't real, so maybe if we pretend they're not there they'll go away!" Ashton suggested.
"Right! Mind over matter!" said Jake.
"You're all hopeless…" said Stephen.
The three closed their eyes began to chant, "They're not real, they're not real, they're not real, they're not real…" Eventually the ghost and the zombie grew bored and went off to scam the townspeople into buying band instruments.
The teenagers opened their eyes and saw an empty field. "It worked! I knew it would!" Jake cheered.
"So we've actually learned something from Mr. Preheim…" Stephen said to himself.
"Stephen, why do you always talk to yourself?" Ashton asked.
"What are you talking about?" Stephen asked.
"Never mind," said Ashton.
"I just thought of something," said Jake.
"What?" asked Ashton.
"Didn't Mr. Preheim say he was going to the Whitney Temple, too?" said Jake.
"Oh…" said Ashton, a look of panic crossing her face.
"Uh…it'll be fine," said Stephen, obviously not too sure of what he was saying.
"Right…" said Ashton. With that, the trio of troubled teenagers left Iselia for the Whitney Temple, worrying about who or what might greet them when they arrived.