Standard Disclaimer: I don't own a thing associated with Without A Trace. Lord knows things would be different if I did!
A/N: Many thanks to Mariel who graciously ran a beta over the jumbled thoughts I tossed on to paper. She did it in spite of being in the grips of horrible cold/flu-like symptoms. What a trooper! Oh yes, 'past perfect' still befuddles me….go figure. A little language here and there, but nothing you haven't already heard.
This is my idea of how things should have turned out around the time Anne was kicked to the curb. Spoilerish for Season 5. Please enjoy...
There You Are
Something was up. Everyone could feel it and everyone knew it; but, no one could put their finger on it. Nothing "big" had occurred; but an underlying current was abuzz nonetheless. A number of theories quietly floated around the bull pen, but the floor agents only discussed it in groups of two or three. Strangely enough, no one on the floor would even mention it to any member of Jack's team.
Danny had walked into the break room yesterday for a soft drink and three agents huddled at a table had clammed up immediately. He'd laughed at their attempt of stealth, but had gone about his business without joining in on the speculation.
Of course, the mystery did not go un-noticed by a certain strikingly beautiful blonde agent on Jack's team. Samantha undoubtedly was more aware of Jack's aura and moods than most. She'd given up trying to explain why a long time ago. She was just more in tune with the man. It was just a fact.
His moods had been all over the place ever since Max Cassidy's death. At first, it had seemed to be a strangely cathartic event for him. Certain days found a little extra bounce in his steps, and he started wearing some wild ties.
"Wild" for Jack Malone, anyway.
But his mood had slowly sobered and he now seemed more withdrawn and despondent than ever. Samantha watched him closely and tried valiantly to ignore the relationship between him and Max'swidow.
Honestly, it angered her greatly to see Anne always pushing Jack around….getting her way with snide remarks or emotional blow ups. But it angered her much more to see Jack caving in to her outbursts time after time. She saw right through his lame efforts to move on and be happy. She gave him credit for trying, but after a few drinks at home one evening, she admitted she was angry and hurt he hadn't turned to her.
He had pulled a few disappearing acts lately, and today seemed like another. The first was about a week ago when they had been working a creepy exorcism case. The next had been a few days ago, when they'd been searching for a social worker.
Samantha grimaced at the memory. She was shocked and furious with Jack Malone. How dare that bastard tell me he had knocked up that woman and that they were moving in together! Like I give a shit what he does anymore. I'm over him and moving on with my life.
But even the ultra-cool Samantha Spade couldn't lie to herself. That evening, after her third beer and half of a Canadian bacon pizza, she had brought her anger and bruised feelings under control. Replaying the conversation in her mind, she wondered why he'd chosen to tell her, why he'd looked the way he had as he'd told her, and why his voice had sounded so contrite. Why had he seemed so...what was the word...embarrassed when he'd told her.
He had been reaching out to her and looking for her forgiveness. But why? God knew she'd refused to give him her approval. Had Cassidy run a game of entrapment on him?
Word around the legal department was that Anne Cassidy was a hot head and would do anything to win. Maybe she was trying to take advantage, knowing that Jack would always try and do the right thing...even if he was dejected and whipped. He'd proven that by staying with that frosty bitch Marie for years. It was hard to imagine, but Samantha actually believed Anne trumped Marie in the hag category.
But a young basketball player was still missing and even Vivian didn't seem to be privy to Jack's whereabouts. Samantha put the finishing touches on the request for a warrant and went searching for her boss's signature.
He had not returned from lunch and it was already pushing 4:00 pm. They needed the warrant in place and everyone knew not to be standing by the front door at 5:00 pm for fear of being run down by all the attorneys streaming out of the building. She had one hour to get Jack's signature and then secure legal's sign off.
That thought made her grimace. Anne Cassidy was assigned today's work load.
Pushing her dislike for the woman aside, she searched for Jack. After 15 minutes of precious time passed without a hint of Jack's whereabouts, she decided to roll the dice and head for the legal department. Maybe I can get Anne to move forward with the warrant request and work on getting Jack's signature later. He'll be ticked off, but hey! It's hard to be a supervisor when you aren't around!
Bracing herself, she walked to Anne's office only to find the desk strangely clean. The whole office was weirdly bare, with only the standard issue government office prints hanging on the walls.
Looking dumbly at the empty desk, her mind reeled with possibilities. Had Anne and Jack taken off together? Did he know she was gone? Was Anne running from Jack? When had this happened?
Someone slammed the cover of the copier machine, making her spin around. Her friend, 'Busy Body Bertha' from Human Resources smiled at her. "Sorry for making you jump, Samantha." Bertha pointed to Anne's desk and looked around before lowering her voice to say, "If you're looking for her, you're a little late."
Samantha's mouth fell open. "What do you mean?" Bertha motioned with her head for Samantha to follow her to her office. Holding up a personnel folder in her hand she whispered, "Well, you didn't hear it from me, but she just up and left early this morning. No notice or anything. Said she would send a forwarding address in a few days. Her friend Petra said she was moving to Minneapolis. But you know, she has been acting very strange lately…well, ever since her husband died. Taking off for hours at a time. And, I hate to be a gossip, but I swear that woman was pregnant!"
Samantha's gut twisted. She was wondering what Bertha would say if she asked for Cassidy's home address when someone in the hallway called Bertha out for a moment. Trying not to look obvious, Samantha quickly flipped open the file and saw 624 Chambers as the last entry under 'place of residence.'
Trying to quickly formulate a plan in her head, she stepped into the hallway. Catching Bertha's attention, she pointed at her cell phone and motioned she had to go. Trying not to run, she figured she was a fool as she kept repeating "624 Chambers 624 Chambers 624 Chambers" as she made her way to the parking garage.
Jack stood for a long time looking out the window. Not really seeing anything, but looking anyway. Anne's taxi had pulled away from the curb well over an hour ago...and the fact that he didn't seem to care bothered him.
Trying to figure out why, his thoughts in the past couple of hours had covered a plethora of topics, spanning the time from his teenage years till right this very moment. And as he pondered his life, he slowly came to three points, each one accompanied by its own disturbing question.
One: His life had been a constant spiral downward. The motion sometimes faster and sometimes slower, but non-stop and always downward. Did it start the day my Mom died?
Two: It seemed as though he were incapable of maintaining an intimate relationship. Why can't I share my true feelings?
Three: The job he loved was the only place he found a refuge from the world. But is it also the one thing that's consuming me?
As he watched the streets lights below come on, his mood darkened and he felt the downward spiral pick up speed.
Samantha found a parking space two blocks from the six hundred block of Chambers Street. Sitting there, she realized she had no idea what she would do next. American Airlines had confirmed Anne Cassidy was on the 5:15pm flight to Minneapolis but they had no record of a passenger named Malone.
Shrugging her shoulders, she said to herself, "What the hell. I can't make things any worse than they already are. Go find him, Samantha."
With that, she got out of her car and quickly made her way toward 624. Her pace slowed when she recognized his car parked across the street. Oh shit. He's here. What now? Damn! I should've thought this out a little better.
But even though she argued with herself, she walked into the building and located the name Cassidy on the mail register. Smirking, she said to no one, "Didn't even get his name on the box."
Standing at the door of 4-B, her fist hovered before finally knocking. "Jack? Jack, it's me, Sam. Are you in there, Jack?"
Jack's head swiveled toward the door. He didn't move, but felt his heart pick up a slightly quicker pace. "What do you want Samantha? Leave me alone. I'm fine."
Samantha. Never a good sign when he calls me Samantha.
"Jack, no one knows where you went. Everyone is asking questions. May I come in?"
Waiting a few seconds, she got no response. Taking a deep breath she tried the door knob and found it unlocked. She pushed it open, and saw him standing by the window, staring out into the growing darkness.
"Jack?" she asked softly. "Jack, are you okay?"
"Yeah", he grumbled. "Never better. What are you doing here? Olczyk send you?"
"No. No one knows I'm here. People are asking for you, but I …. I decided to come find you."
Those words made Jack turn to her.
Tentatively walking further into the room, Samantha saw several packing boxes, no furniture, and a portable radio. It was chilly.
Jack watched her slow approach and saw the concern in her eyes. As she took in the barren room, he thought he saw the look turn to pity…and that made him angry….angry because he was humiliated, ashamed, and embarrassed. And, he didn't want anyone else to see him in such a mess.
"Don't know why you bothered, but you can go tell everyone I'm fine. I'll be back in little while." His voice was gruff, but his face was heartbreaking.
Samantha ignored his words. "Yeah, well I may not be the best profiler in the world, but you sure look like a guy who could use a stiff scotch about now." She stepped a bit closer, shoved her hands in her pockets, and bent her head down to meet his eyes. She gave him a little smile.
He hoped she didn't see his lips twitch before his brain crushed the smile his heart wanted to give her. Damn if she hasn't always been able to say or do just the right thing every time.
Tempting his mood, she stepped a little closer and bumped his shoulder with hers. "Wanna talk about it?"
"There's not enough time…or scotch…to cover Jack Malone's fucked up world right now."
Samantha's chest felt tighter around her heart. She didn't know what had happened, but Cassidy must have hurt Jack. She must have hurt him badly.
"Now Jack, take it from someone who certainly has had her fair share of screw ups. I got plenty of time." Getting no response, she decided to go for broke. "Jack? Did something happen with Anne?"
His eyes flashed as he drilled her with a venomous glare, but Samantha's tender brown orbs reflected nothing but concern. No judgment. No pity. He sighed. "Yeah. I guess she's part of it, but certainly not all of it."
Samantha nodded and moved to sit on the window sill a few feet from where he stood. "You know, I don't want this getting around the bull pen, but I have learned a few things from my visits with Dr. Harris. Most of the time it's hard as hell, but it does help to tell someone else what is on your mind."
Jack's shoulders slumped as he moved to lean against the window. Running his hand through his hair, he admitted, "Anne lost the baby."
Samantha was floored. "What!? Oh Jack, I'm so sorry. Is she okay?"
A sardonic smile formed on Jack's lips. "Yeah. I guess she's fine. Good enough to pack up her shit and transfer to Minneapolis."
Samantha started to speak when Jack waved her off. For whatever reason, saying that little bit did seem to help.
"It's not just Anne. I've been sitting here thinking about how fucked up my life has been. It's like I'm stuck in this non-stop destructive spiral. I honestly think it started back when my Mom…when my Mom died."
He stopped talking and Samantha was too stunned to form meaningful words. The silence was deafening.
"Jack, I…I don't…oh Jack. I wish I could tell you something or do something that could make you see how many good things happened in your life."
She touched his sleeve. "How can I help you?"
His lost eyes found hers. "Just...just...Could you just stay a while? Please?"
She simply nodded as she moved back to take a seat on the window sill. He watched as she turned off her cell phone and sat it beside her. She settled in. She settled in for the long haul with him.
As they often did, his thoughts turned to the person there with him. He watched her out of the corner of his eye. Samantha. Since the day I met her, she has been the most unsettling, yet constant, thing in my life. After all the things I've done to her, here she sits with me. Willing to help me through yet another crisis. Not judging. Not pushing. She's beautiful from the inside out. He realized his mind wasn't so jumbled and his heart beat even.
The spiral was calm.
Samantha too, was lost in her own thoughts. She could feel his eyes on her, but didn't let on. You sure can pick them, can't you?! He's the most tormented, stubborn, prideful man you've ever known. And yet, here you sit on this cold, hard window sill letting him duke it out with his demons. Yeah, he's a mess, but he needs me. She knew her heart would always be near him.
Aimlessly, she reached out and turned on the portable radio and adjusted the volume. At least the silence in the room wasn't screaming anymore. Jack didn't react, but his facial expression did seem a little more relaxed.
Another ten minutes passed before she knew she had to move. Her butt had fallen asleep and Jack seemed calm enough to leave alone.
Slowly getting to her feet, she grunted but said, "Well Jack, I'm going head out and give you some space. You going to be okay?"
He was going to tell her that he was only 'okay' when she was around, but as she reached for her cell phone, she knocked it off the ledge. He quickly reached down to retrieve it for her…at the same time she leaned over to pick it up.
He heard the "crack" as his forehead slammed into hers.
Stumbling back, she let out an automatic "oof!" and tried to catch her balance.
Jack instinctively reached for her and stopped her fall. Grasping her head in his hands he proclaimed, "Oh God! Sam, I'm sorry!"
Sam. He called me Sam.
She tried to laugh it off, "I'm such a klutz." But stopped short.
They stood with her head in his hands; faces only inches apart in the empty room. Darkness now enveloped the city with only the faint light from the street making its way around them.
Slowly loosening his grasp, he reached up and gently rubbed the spot just above her eye that was already sporting a red knot. His other hand slid gently down to her cradle her neck; fingers under her hair.
And there it was. After all this time. Back again, although it had never left.
The look.
The look in his eyes that she knows he has given to no one else in his life except her. She knew too that her gaze radiated the same depth of emotion.
Concentrating on the turmoil and torment boiling in his eyes, she almost missed his softly whispered, "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm so very sorry."
Locked in motionless time, the soft strains of Martina McBride's voice came over the radio.
There you are, in the early light of day.
There you are in the quiet words I pray.
I've been blessed by the simple happiness of the perfect love we've made.
As the chorus started, she took his left hand and slid her left over his broad shoulder. She gave him a faint smile and said, "Dance with me, Jack."
The irony certainly wasn't lost on Jack. Just a few days ago, he had stood in almost the same spot with Anne as she had made the same request. He distinctly remembered how trapped he'd felt then. The downward spiral had been spinning very fast that day. He hadn't felt like dancing then, and hadn't.
He felt different here with Samantha. He couldn't describe it, but he knew the sinking feeling was no where to be found as he turned to her.
He looked timid, but she felt his body relax slightly as he started a gentle sway.
Every time I turn around.
When I'm lost and when I'm found.
Like an angel standing guard.
There you are.
Every time I take a breath and when I forget to breathe, you're watching over me.
There you are.
When I'm looking for the light in the middle of the night. Searching for the brightest star.
There you are.
He graced her with a little smile and pulled her body closer. She let out a captive sigh, and rested her head on his shoulder.
Every time I turn around.
When I'm lost and when I'm found.
Like an angel standing guard.
There you are.
By now he had curled the hand that cradled hers into his chest and rested his cheek tenderly against her temple. Both closed their eyes and felt the warmth radiate back into their hearts.
There you are.
Standing in a crowded room.
There you are.
The earth and I'm the moon.
My desire is to stand by the fire that burns inside of you.
There you are. There you are.
As the song came to a quiet close, he lightly loosened his embrace. Bringing her finger tips to his lips, he placed feather-soft kisses and closed his eyes.
"Thank you," he murmured while continuing to place kisses on her finger tips. As her left hand found and lightly brushed his hairline, he pressed his forehead to hers.
"Sam, when I'm with you, its….its the only time the spiral stops." Swallowing hard he continued, "God knows how much I've hurt you, and I'm sorry….but I need you Sam…I need you in my life. I'm just so sorry. I don't…..I don't…"
Stopping his confession with her fingers on his lips, she said, "Shhhh." Holding his chin, she leveled him with a no-nonsense look and asked, "Jack, what do you want?"
His mind tried to quickly analyze the risks laid out before him. If he weren't honest, he would hurt her for the last time and she would be gone. If he were honest she might very well still be gone anyway.
As he struggled with an answer, she cocked her head to one side and said, "Jack. Why don't you try answering with your heart? I'm not looking for a clinical analysis, or what society's answer would be. I want to know what you want." She punctuated her words with a soft point to his chest where his heart lay.
He got it.
Flashes of memories sparkled in his head. The bookstore, lying in her arms listening to the rain, laughing over nothing, curled on the sofa watching a late night talk show, enjoying intimate dinners on travel assignments, holding hands in the park. Yeah, he finally got it.
The cleansing breath he took replaced all doubts and fears with sincerity.
"I want us to be happy…together…once and for all. I want a chance...one last chance… to show you I can be a good thing for you. I want a life with you. I want to share a home with you. I…I want you, Sam. God knows I have from the first day I laid eyes on you."
With her heart thumping wildly in her chest, she asked, "And what would you do to get what you want?"
He actually chuckled and said, "Now that's an easy one. I've given it plenty of thought." Brushing a strand of hair back over her ear, he placed the slightest hint of a kiss on her lips and whispered, "The answer is anything and everything."
His next kiss was tender and filled with passion. Samantha felt the regret and promise pour from his lips. They simply held each other for a long time after. Tomorrow would undoubtedly create new obstacles, but they could hurdle them together.
For now, they enjoyed the solitude and peace….alone together.
The End
The song lyrics are from Martina McBride. This is the "first dance" my husband and I shared at our wedding reception….yeah….I'm a sap! Thanks for reading. Drop me a review if you have time.