Title: Fantastic Fridge Fury
Summary: There are many things he'll put up with, but this is where he draws the line. Refrigerators. Eyeballs. Priceless porcelain pieces. No pairings.
Note: This is dedicated to Chocolate Pencil. May she have a lovely day. :D Because there can never be enough Sasori and Deidara fics. NEVER EVER EVER... Also, I don't care if "undramatic" is not technically a real word. I can still use it. :P
Warnings: Swearing, slight gore. Also, this is ridiculously silly and NOT to be taken seriously.
Pairings: None
Characters: Sasori, Deidara.
Reviews are received with much love!
I own nothing of Naruto. I am not making money from this, nor am I intending any copyright infringement.
Once upon a time, Sasori and Deidara were situated in the overused fancanon Akatsuki cave of some unknown location. This well-used, canonically nonexistent cave was decorated with all the furnishings that one would expect to find in the headquarters of an evil, mass-murdering organization hell-bent on taking over the world and lording over it with chaos and horror.
To give the reader a thoroughly unnecessary, fleshed-out mental image of the cave, I will describe in great detail some of the key stage settings for this fic.
First and foremost, there was the prisoner torture and execution chamber, which doubled as a kitchen. In fact, it used to be employed exclusively for the preparation of foodstuffs until some smartass figured out that they could use the burners and impressively versatile selection of cooking utensils for more productive things than merely cooking. Besides, the floor and wall tiles were easier to clean of blood than most other surfaces in the cave. In this kitchen was a bowl of irrelevant fruit, a stove, an oven, several cabinets and a large refrigerator. An even larger, walk-in refrigerator where they kept the cannibalistic-plant-man food was stationed in another section of the cave, as most members of Akatsuki professed to being disgusted by the appearance of Zetsu walking by with half an arm hanging out of his mouth, and they didn't want to see that shit when they were in the middle of eating their own breakfasts, thank you very much.
Actually, I changed my mind. I don't feel like describing the rest of the Akatsuki HQ cave in much more detail, seeing as the kitchen and a generic puppet-and-human-entrail-strewn workstation will be the main settings for this short tale, and seeing as I'm feeling extra lazy right now, so there. You can't make me describe the rest of it. Nah-nah-nee-nah-nah.
Oh wait, I should also mention that there is a blue, porcelain vase of immeasurable value sitting in an enclave across the hall from the door of the aforementioned puppet-and-human-entrail-strewn workshop. Shoot. I forgot about that.
Anyway, onto the actual story that you readers are paying the big monies to read. Or maybe you're probably not. Why aren't you? Oh right, I forgot. It's because you don't have to. You're all a bunch of free riders here.
Anyway for real, here we go:
It was very late at night and most of the members were out going on dangerous as hell missions and whatnot. Only Sasori and Deidara were left together in the base, because Leader is a firm believer in the Buddy System and won't let any of his darling underlings run around all alone and vulnerable. Or as vulnerable as an S-rank criminal who can kill anything smaller than an elephant in twelve and a half different ways as it falls out of a tree can be, anyway.
Deidara'd had a lovely day of sculpting cute, cuddly, clay creatures and then sending them out of the cave and into the nearest housing clusters to incinerate them. But all the explosions had expended a lot of his energy, so he was quite tired and eager to get some sleep.
However, like the good, stable-minded, and all around healthy young man he was, he decided that he ought to ingest something wholesome before turning in for the night, so that his chakra would be able to replenish properly by the next morning. He stumbled down the dark stone hallway to the kitchen (he did not bother to flip on the lights or use his extra pro ninja stealth skills because he was a lazy fool), stubbing his toe on a corner and shouting a few expletives at the wall before continuing on his way.
He followed the wall with his hand until he felt his feet hit the tiled floor of the kitchen, and flicked on the light switch. He squinted, yawned, and shuffled through a drawer full of suspiciously rusty-looking thumbscrews until he came across a clean spoon, which he carried with him to the refrigerator. Hopefully he would be able to find himself a spoonful or two of unhealthy nourishment to last him through the night. He pulled the door of the fridge open and then discovered a promising-looking plastic carton, which he pried open, spoon held at the ready.
Inside were several eyeballs floating in greenish-brown, diseased looking fluid.
Deidara had seen and done many unspeakable things in his career so far; everything from mass bombings to torturous vivisections to leaving the toilet seat up.
He had not, however, opened a carton of delicious expecting to find freshly packaged (or not-so-freshly-packaged-after-all) eyeballs.
He screamed like a prissy little seven year old girl in a pink princess outfit, and threw the carton of eyes at the far wall as though it were a live bomb (he'd had plenty of practice with that), causing the juice to splatter against the tiles and eyeballs to fall to the floor and bounce a few times. The carton fell face-up and for the first time Deidara saw a name neatly written on its side with a black pen.
"Sasori," he snarled, and stampeded out the kitchen with all the anger of a charging elephant.
In his rush, he didn't even turn out the lights.
How evil of him. Global warming is going to smite his sucker ass someday. Or his decedents, if he ever has any. (With his dashing looks, winning personality, and charming lifestyle, why the hell not?)
Deidara dramatically kicked down Sasori's workshop door with no regard to the damage he might cause to anyone inside.
Well, it might have been more dramatic if he'd used the foot with the un-stubbed toe, seeing as he yelped like a puppy as soon as his foot connected with the wood, but everyone makes mistakes sometimes. So after nursing his poor, injured foot for a minute, Deidara settled for dramatically turning the doorknob and throwing the door open with no regard to the damage he might cause to anyone inside.
Fortunately for Sasori, the puppet master had enough foresight to seat himself outside of what door-experts refer to as the door's "bitch-slap radius," and was instead comfortably seated on the other side of the room. He sighed irritably as Deidara threw the door open with a BANG (it's an art), denting both the doorknob, and the stone wall that it collided into. Sasori didn't deign Deidara with the honor of turning to face him as he spoke to him.
"What the hell is it now, brat? I hope for your sake that you've broken my concentration for a very good reason. Is the base under attack?"
"No, yeah! I came in here to find out why in the firey-ass pits of hell you put eyeballs in the damn refrigerator!"
At this, Sasori turned his head around one-hundred-and-eighty degrees on his neck to raise his eyebrows at his partner. His working partner. His platonic working partner. (This fanfic is advertised as pairing-free, dammit. But then again it's impossible to quell the mighty demonic powers of fangirls/boys, when they're hell-bent on making a pair work in any given situation, regardless of ridiculousness. They take word choice and use it as proof of affection. Whatever. Forget this stupid, unrelated tangent already. Back to the main attraction the readers aren't even paying for.)
"I should think that the reason is obvious. I didn't want them to decay." Suddenly, his eyebrows furrowed. "I trust-" he said this in such a way that made it clear that he didn't trust Deidara with a piece of wet tissue paper "-that you didn't do anything to them, did you brat?"
"Damn it, my man! Don't you know that we have a whole nother fridge for people to put extra organs and bodies into, yeah? I go into the kitchen looking for something to eat, and now thanks to your disgusting eyeballs, I've completely lost my appetite!"
"The other fridge is for Zetsu to eat out of," Sasori said, enunciating each word as though Deidara were either hard of hearing, stupid, or both, "And I need the eyes later for my puppets. Obviously I am not about to feed him something I will need to use later."
"Look, just because you don't eat the normal food in the normal fridge doesn't mean the rest of us don't, yeah! It's damn disgusting. Cut it out or I'll..."
"Deidara," Sasori said irritably, beginning to feel the effects of subdued anger, "If you simply checked the label on the item before you start shoveling its contents into your big fat mouth, then none of this would be an issue. Now get the hell out of my room and leave me to my work, you moron."
"I'll get out as soon as you get those kidneys and eyeballs and shit out of the fridge, you jackass, yeah!"
Sasori turned his body around to match his head and dove his hands into his pockets for his scrolls.
Deidara grinned and groped dramatically for his clay, realized he'd left his pouches in his room, and ran down the hall to fetch them in a decidedly undramatic manner.
When the rest of the members returned to their base, looking forward to a nice hot bath or something after their dangerous as hell missions and whatnot, all they found was a still-smoking crater, an unconscious Deidara (who proved to have fallen undramatically into this state from overuse of explosive chakra), and an irate Sasori taking his unspent frustration out on all the neighboring flora and fauna.
Oh yeah, and let's not forget that Kakuzu flipped his shit to high heaven when he found out that the blue, porcelain vase of immeasurable value had been smashed into itty bitty pieces.
The End. :D
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