TW for very vague description of rape, just in case.

Chapter 1

Tino woke up to the fantastic and annoying sounds of "Gimme Gimme Gimme" playing in an unfamiliar apartment. He was alone and facedown in a stranger's bed and his head felt like it had been run over by a car; these were two sure signs for worry. What the fresh hell happened last night? he shakily pulled himself to his knees. At least he was still wearing his clothes; that eliminated one of his worries already. Who the hell keeps playing ABBA music?

"Pipe down out there!" he hollered, burying himself face-first in a pillow with his butt in the air.

Footsteps heralded the arrival of the apartment's mysterious owner, holding a spoon and smelling of pancake batter. Upon seeing Tino's position, he coughed to hide his embarrassment. That sure was a nice butt. "Y' called?"

Tino peeked out from under the pillow. Whoever this stranger was, he sure was a looker. "You're damn right I did," he groaned, "what's the point of playing ABBA at this time of day?"

"It's one in th' afternoon," replied the stranger, "glad to see yer okay." He sat on the edge of the bed, still holding the spoon.

Tino looked him up and down and mustered a grin. "I don't know who you are, but boy, I'm glad I woke up in your bed," he winked, then immediately regretted the action because his head began to pound again. "Ow, ow, ow… what the hell did we do last night?"

"M' name's... Berwald," the stranger said quietly, "Y' might know me as somethin' else, though."

"Like 'Big Daddy' or something like that?"

Berwald sighed. "Y' really don't remember?"

Tino shook his head.

"Well," shrugged Berwald, "come 'n have some pancakes, anyway."

XxX

Berwald's apartment was located above a small convenience store, and judging from what he saw from the windows, Tino assumed he was somewhere in or near Boston's Chinatown. Odd, because Berwald was just as white as he was, and so were the two men cuddling on the couch in the living room.

"Mathias, Lukas," Berwald pointed out, "This is Tino."

Mathias rose from his seat. He was almost as tall as Berwald and just as well-built, but carried himself with a swaggering stride that made Tino wonder whether he was a car salesman or something. "Hey, good morning!" he clapped Tino on the shoulder, causing him to wince. "Looks like you're doin' good, eh? How's your head?"

"Hurts," replied Tino.

They were joined by Lukas, who daintily rested his chin on Mathias's shoulder. "Makes sense," said Lukas, whose svelte form was accentuated by thoughtful, sleepy eyes, making him look like some sort of fairy. "You've been roofied, friend."

"Aw frick, come on!" snapped Tino, "no wonder I remember jack shit!" Looking around at the three men, all taller and stronger than him, he immediately felt his stomach sink to the ground in fear. "Was it you guys…?"

"No way."

"Hell no! No no no!"

"Do we look like that type of people?" Lukas said, "You really don't remember, huh?"

"I'd remember if someone fricken told me," grumbled Tino.

"We could tell you anything and you'd believe it," Lukas shrugged, "just have some of Berwald's pancakes and we'll fill in the rest."

Mathias piped up, "Yeah, I swear to God those pancakes are magic! Hangover cures! Imagine the money we could make off of those…" His thoughts were cut off by a light smack to his cheek, courtesy of Lukas. Tino looked at his feet as Mathias laughed and kissed the hand that had just hit him. These people seemed nice enough, and he hadn't been drugged by them, and he really wanted to try some of these magic pancakes, so what did he have to lose? He shuffled over to the dining table, only to find it covered in glitter, makeup, and feather boas. A pair of shiny red pumps lay overturned under one of the chairs.

"Uh, guys?" he asked, "Is there anyone else living here?"

"Lukas's brother Emil," replied Berwald, coming into the room with a plate of piping hot pancakes, "but he's always with th' Asian family who runs th' convenience store downstairs…" his voice trailed off as he noticed the mess on the dining table.

"So no women?" Tino cocked his head and looked at Berwald, brilliant violet eyes burning into Berwald's blue-greens.

Berwald made a high-pitched squeak, set the pancakes down on the counter, and hastily cleared the mess of wigs, feathers, and makeup into a large trash bag, which he dumped on Mathias's lap.

"Y' saw nothin'," he growled. Tino would have found it sexy if it weren't so threatening. He sat down and let himself be offered a serving of Berwald's supposedly magic pancakes, drizzled with syrup. He took a bite, the fluffiness and flavor making him swoon.

"Good?" asked Berwald expectantly.

"Orgasmic," replied Tino, taking another bite as Berwald blushed into his hand. All of a sudden, his chewing stopped and his eyes widened. "Oh my God," he whispered.

"You remember now?" Lukas asked.

Tino nodded.

XxX

Only single losers with no lives went to gay bars alone on Tuesday nights, and Tino Väinämöinen happened to be a single loser.

The music was loud and the crowd was large, but it was no Friday night. It was still small enough that, if asked to pick anyone out of the crowd by looks alone, Tino could have done so. There was a large man in a beige suit sitting three stools to the right of Tino and his vodka, and two very large and muscular drag queens sat two stools to his left, conversing with the bartender, a svelte and fairylike man who seemed to be about Tino's age. Tino watched as one of the drag queens kissed the bartender's hand, leaving bright red lipstick on his knuckles. The bartender pinched the drag queen's cheek tenderly and returned to filling orders as the red drag queen sent him fluttery glances.

It must have been nice, being in love like that.

The man in the beige suit had now occupied the second stool to Tino's right, and Tino could see that he was drinking the same thing he was.

"Vodka, huh?" called Tino, holding up his glass, "you've got good taste there, mister."

The man in the beige suit turned to face him and smiled, chubby cheeks pushed to firmness by the action. A blush spread across his face, which only served to accentuate how childlike he seemed. That childishness was offset by the man's large nose, and the contrast made him attractive in an unorthodox way. The man in the beige suit moved to the seat next to Tino and replied, "It's good, isn't it?"

"I like vodka," he took another sip before asking, "what brings you here to a bar on a Tuesday night?"

The Man In The Beige Suit shrugged and looked into his glass. "Just a little bit lonely. Going to the bar makes me feel even lonelier, though."

"Aww, that's depressing!" laughed Tino, "it's okay, though. I'm here for the same reason. Maybe we can be lonely together."

"I'd like that," replied The Man In The Beige Suit.

As they conversed, Tino began to feel dizzy and nauseous. This couldn't be. He'd only had, like, one drink, and he knew from experience that he could hold his alcohol better than that. He collapsed onto The Man In The Beige Suit's shoulder, not noticing that the drag queens and the bartender had now turned their full attention towards them.

"He's had a little too much to drink," The Man In The Beige Suit called towards the onlookers, "I'll take him home."

But The Man In The Beige Suit didn't take Tino home. Instead, he took him to a black SUV parked in the corner of the lot, shoved his drugged ass into the back seat, and proceeded to take off his pants.

Tino could barely register what was happening. Fear seized him and he tried to punch away his attacker, but his limbs felt like lead and he only succeeded in gently swiping at his face. I'm gonna die, he realized. Panic coursed through him and he kicked, but his pants were hanging around his ankles and all he really managed to do was trap himself further.

Then suddenly, The Creep In The Beige Suit was gone and replaced by the two drag queens he'd seen in the bar. One of them wielded a bright red stiletto, which she used to beat up The Creep in The Beige Suit, and the other helped Tino out of the car and back into his pants with large, gentle hands. Tino's fingers curled into her blue feather boa and he leaned his face into her neck.

"Yer safe now," she said, strong arms lifting him into the air.

She smelled like alcohol and flowers. Tino blacked out.

XxX

"I remember everything now," Tino breathed, dropping his fork onto his plate with a loud clatter, "That creep in the beige suit, he tried to… urp… and these two large and angry drag queens saved my life… Oh my god, it's like being saved by angels or something!" His eyes widened as he began to connect the dots. "You guys!" he turned to Lukas, Mathias, and Berwald. "Lukas, you're the bartender, and Mathias and Berwald, you guys are the large and angry drag queens?"

"By night," grinned Mathias. Berwald simply blushed and looked away. He preferred to be known as the "large and demure" one. Mathias reached under Tino's chair and picked up one of the red stilettos. "This is the shoe that did the magic, kid," he let Tino admire his stiletto. "No keepsies, though. I need that back."

"So… Are you guys gay?" Tino asked hopefully, giving Mathias his shoe.

Berwald couldn't help but feel that question had been directed at him, and he smiled inwardly.

"Well, you have your straight drag queens and your gay drag queens and your bisexual drag queens and your pansexual drag queens and your in-between drag queens and… urp!" Mathias's explanation was cut off by Lukas capturing his lips in a kiss.

"He's bi. I'm not. We're both taken," Lukas said simply, "We're not that sure what Berwald is, but who really cares about labels when someone makes magic hangover-cure pancakes?"

"Makes sense," Tino nodded.

"Besides," continued Lukas, "he's been stumbling over his feet all morning thinking of you, which eliminates one of the possibilities."

"I think I hit on him when I woke up," Tino took another bite of pancake.

Berwald could feel his face blazing as Mathias began to laugh. "This is what happens when ya do good things, brother! Karma drops a cute guy in your lap!"

Having finished his pancakes, Tino stood up and turned to Berwald. He looked like your average hot guy, about as far from a drag queen as anyone could get. He sure was cute though, all flustered and blushing. I bet he's a freak in bed, Tino thought, licking his lips, it's always the nice ones. Quickly recomposing himself, Tino touched Berwald's arm. "Thanks for the pancakes," he said sweetly, "and thank you all for saving me last night," his flirty disposition faded, replaced by sincere gratitude. "Like, I don't know what to say… Is there anything I can do to repay you guys?"

Go on a date with me, cutie, Berwald wanted to say, but he held back. Curse this damn shyness of his. It was honestly excruciating.

Instead, it was Lukas who spoke. "I like coffee," he said with a small smile, "especially from that place near Kenmore Square."

"Coffee sounds good," agreed Mathias, "what's yer say, Berwald? Ya barely said a word all morning!"

Steeling himself, Berwald was finally able to look up at Tino. "I like coffee," he answered.

Tino smiled. "Coffee it is, then."

AN: It's been my dream to be saved from a hairy situation by angry drag queens.
I haven't been feeling very confident about my writing recently, but that's not stopping me. I'm not sure how long it'll be, but I'm sure it'll be, but I'm sure I'll have some fun with it. :)
And, y'know, SuFin. You can't not have SuFin.