Thor Goes To Gallifrey
Thor looked across the aethereal plane, Mjolnir pinned firmly against his cod piece, and sensed an oncoming darkness. Thor knew that the blessing of gruesome battle would soon wash over him. He craned his head back and looked upon the stars. He began polishing his hammer with such fervor that lightening began shooting out of his finger tips. "Gallifrey!" he yelled at a distant world, "this night shall be a great one indeed!" His bloodlust infused his hammer and the mystical stone of its head became rock hard.
Meanwhile on the Amber world of Gallifrey in the eerily unpeaceful province of Night Vale the radio broadcast of the evening news began. "Our top story tonight", the head anchor Cecil coolly stated "Hideous unutterable blasphemies have once again escaped from the Lovecraft Memorial Bestiary. The heavily criticized curator opened her press conference with a blinding light that turned all of the audience to stone." "And now in entertainment news, The King in Yellow premiered in every theatre in town in addition to several street corners. We go now to our on-the-scene reporter Carlos with more, take it away Carlos."
"Thank you Cecil. As you can hear behind me the early reviews are raving. And I mean literally raving, people are aggressively wandering the streets and the only intelligible thing they are shouting is for people to see The King in Yellow. I haven't seen anything like this since the finale of Breaking Bad. This is truly a great night for the play's mysterious production company The Yellow Sign led by the enigmatic G.O.O. Hastur. Back to you Cecil."
"Riveting reporting as always, and now the weather…"—NO MORE! As Cecil was just about to complete his segue, the broadcast booth was blown apart. The Gallifreyans listening were stunned. As the huddled close to their radios, they could barely make out the muffled voice of Cecil describing an older man in a long coat fighting against large pepper shakers. The listeners knew at that moment their most feared enemy was at their doorstep and their world was gripped in fear.
Across the aether this radiant beacon of fear caught the attention of a creature that feeds on fear in the hearts of children. Slenderman rose to his feet with his blank white face and perfectly tailored Westwood suit and began lurking towards Gallifrey.
Across Gallifrey the invasion was underway. Time Lords and Daleks we locked in an epic battle of machine, flesh, lasers, and tentacle laden innards. However, a much different scene was taking place in the Asgard district of Gallifrey. This was meant to be a night of rejoicing, as the community had planned to stencil yet another championship year onto the town water tower. This was their seventh consecutive Hunger Games championship and the streets would have flowed with milk and honey. Instead blood and metallic Dalek bits clogged every sewer. Wandering alone across this grim landscape was a very confused cyberman. It had no idea how it got into the middle of all this, but it remembered something about arguing with hyper-intelligent carwash. The cyberman's rear chasse was visibly well buffed, but it still felt hollow inside. As it turned into yet another vacant alley, its proximity sensor started to alarm. The cyberman interface read, "Non-cyber life form detected… Protocol A1 assimilate… Vocal Output: You Must Be Upgraded." And so the cyberman repeatedly yelled into the darkened alley "You must be upgraded!" No answer was returned and the cyberman began to wonder what he was supposed to do if anything indeed answered or what the point of any of this was. As the cyberman methodically called out into the dark, a static interference started to overtake its HUD. It grew more and more intense eventually being accompanied by a high pitched screech until the cyberman turned around.
Loki sulked through the halls of his step-father's palace, "I can't believe they cancelled it…" he said into his chest. Loki made his way to the observatory where he unexpectedly came across his brother panting in a deep sweat.
"What are you doing dearest brother?" Loki inquired.
"Stroking my hammer verily" Thor replied.
"How can you be thinking about battle at a time like this?"
"What do you mean a time like this, my hammer is still not hard enough to transport me to one the universe's most epic battles!"
"It's always battles with you; you should try to culture yourself like I have"
"Bah, you have been watching Earth television again haven't you?"
"This was no ordinary show, this was the greatest program ever conceived. Sherlock on the BBC kept me stable through my identity crisis. And now it's gone"
"Brother first of all you tried to take over the universe twice during that time, and second of all what in the Name Of Odin do you mean by saying Sherlock is cancelled!"
Loki explained to his brother that the show was inexplicably cancelled before the airing of its final episode. They both embraced each other while Thor continued to stroke his hammer in sadness as they reminisced about their favorite moments in the show. The two brothers once again found that they may not be so different.
"Well Brother what shall we do now?" Loki asked
"Isn't it obvious?"
Loki shook his head
"You help me stroke my hammer and we will kill until we feel better!"
Loki cocked his head, shrugged his shoulders, and clenched his brothers hammer.
Back on Gallifrey, Slenderman's tentacle-like extra limbs sucked upon he rivets of the cyberman and the cyberman's exo-suit began to loosen. The cyberman's interface had to no protocol for this situation and ran its Stockholm Syndrome program. Slenderman was about to enter the cyberman's freshly created orifices, when suddenly a portal of lightening descended upon the planet's surface. Loki was the first to emerge and saw his old nemesis. "It must be fate to see you here Slenderman" Loki remarked. The Slenderman was COCKBLOKID. An impossible chill ran through Slenderman's body as it looked upon the one demigod that could strike terror into the master of fear himself. "Let me see here" Loki said as he searched a satchel attached to his belt. "Ah ha here are those 8 pages of the diary that haunt your very existence." Slenderman turned and fled into the shadows as quickly as he could. Thor emerged from the portal "Excellent brother, you already have our first foe on the run! Now, there will be no shadows for you to hide in fowl beast!" Thor illuminated the entire district with his hammer as lightening burst forth with his every stroke.
As Thor pursued Slenderman killing countless Time Lords and Daleks in the process, Loki happened upon the broken and vulnerable cyberman. The cyberman looked upon what he believed to be its captor. "Poor creature, what has happened to you?" Loki asked. The cyberman's program instructed him to please his captor and the cyberman rose to its feet. Loki watched as the cyberman walked over to the bleached skeletal remains of a Gallifreyan family. The cyberman took the spines and began a rather robotic gypsy dance. Loki was in awe as the cyberman moved the spines around its metal body like sensual scarves. The cyberman began thrusting its hips like a paint mixer and gathered the spines over his head. When its hips built to climax it broke the spines above its head and it caressed itself as spinal fluid slid down its frame. Loki couldn't take the teasing anymore and thrust himself upon the cyberman. "Loki powers activate form of: Cocknir!" Loki transformed into a monstrous beast of 8 enormous dicks emanating from a quivering mass of ice blue testicles. In this form Loki's only thought was fucking. It bore into the cyberman like a blow torch into aluminum foil. Gaping holes covered the cyberman's frame and the heat of Cocknir's thrusting caused the internal fire suppression system of the cyberman to activate. Fire retardant foam spewed forth, covering both beings. One of the component cocks of Cocknir drove itself on to the CPU of the cyberman and rammed in Morse code "I love it when you squirt baby". Cocknir began to feel his load churn in his testicle core and began to levitate. The pleasure continued to build as so did their altitude, and as the breached the stratosphere of Gallifrey, Cocknir removed all but one of his cocks from the cyberman and pointed them in all directions. He shot his semen as if he intended to impregnate the entire universe at once. The sight of this brought all of the fighting on Gallifrey to an abrupt halt. Thor wiped himself off and could only chuckle when looking up at his brother. "Well, he always did have his own way of solving conflicts"
Post Scriptum:
Meanwhile Clara was scrambling to save the doctor once again. He had collapsed from hunger in the Tardis and the only thing Clara knew how to make was soufflés. "Oh if only I could find egg whites to finish this. But, I don't know how to land this thing, let alone fly it. Oh I got it I will just ask the universe for some!" Clara grabbed the mixing bowl and opened the door of the Tardis. And sure enough a mysterious white substance shooting its way across the galaxy landed in the bowl. "Oh! Thanks universe!"