Getting Worse at Forgetting
Summary: After the death of her siblings, all the memories start to flood back to Susan…
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Okay, scratch that, I own the suitcase that I'm supposed to be packing... But everything below belongs to the marvelous C.S. Lewis.
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Susan slipped on her newest black dress mechanically. She felt almost like she didn't have any feelings anymore – what was there to feel, now, other than pain and grief? Crying certainly wasn't pretty, especially when it smeared your mascara. So she tried not to feel at all.
She walked over to the mirror to apply her makeup. She sat down on the little stool and looked at herself in the mirror. Everyone had always said she looked a lot like her brother Peter – same eyes, same mouth, same nose. Looking at herself in the mirror, she started to see what they meant. Maybe she did look like Peter. But she knew now that on the inside she was nothing like him.
Peter watched Susan at her stool, applying makeup, getting ready for a New Year's Eve party. " 'The most important one in town this year! Everyone will be there,' " as she had proudly proclaimed.
"Oh, Su, why do you put on all that makeup?" Peter asked.
"Yes, Susan, why? You look like a clown," Edmund said bluntly.
"Ed!" Peter reprimanded him. "But really, Su, you're much prettier without it. You just don't need all that silly makeup."
Remembering about this incident from a year or so ago, Susan dropped the compact of blusher that she was applying. She could go to the funeral without it. No one would care, anyway, and Peter had said that she looked better without it.
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Susan drove slowly and carefully down the busy London roads. Peter had taught her how to drive one summer, all those years ago, in the countryside, before old Professor Kirke had to sell his house there.
"You're doing just fine, Su. Slow down a bit, though."
"I'm trying, Peter, I'm trying!"
"You're doing just fine, Susan."
Susan made sure she went nice and slow, for Peter. Although, anymore, she knew she wasn't doing 'just fine'. Not in the driving sense – she was adequate at that. But her emotional state was coming precariously close to a crash.
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When Susan got to the funeral home, everyone comforted her, as expected. She got lots of comments on how beautiful she looked in her new dress. "Even without the makeup," she thought vaguely.
She took all their compliments, gifts, concerns, and sympathies just as mechanically as she had gotten ready for the funeral. She would thank them for coming, gently accept the hugs from her friends and handshakes from neighbors, and try to muster a smile.
"I just can't imagine how you're feeling right now," a countless number of people had said to her.
The truth was, she wasn't feeling anything. Over the years she had taught herself to not feel at all, just as she had taught herself to forget. Not feeling was coming in handy lately, although she was getting worse and worse at forgetting…
Susan walked into the kitchen, where her brothers and sister were sitting at the table and talking over steaming mugs of hot cocoa.
"What are the three of you talking about?" Susan asked, sitting down next to Lucy at the table. Susan would be turning eighteen soon, and just like many girls her age, she didn't like to be left out of any conversation.
"Narnia, Su!" Lucy said excitedly. "All this snow reminds me so much of that day I met Mr. Tumnus. Susan, don't you remember that one Christmas in Narnia when—"
"Narnia? Lucy, even you are getting much too old for that. After all, you'll be fifteen in the summer. You should be focusing much more on boys and clothes than all of this Narnia rubbish. And Peter, Edmund, I'm ashamed of the both of you, playing along with Lucy like that."
Lucy burst into tears. "How could you forget, Susan?"
Peter comforted Lucy. Edmund just looked at Susan with shame in his eyes, shaking his head sadly.
Playing along… Wasn't that what Edmund had said that night so long ago?
"So it's true, Edmund? You went to Narnia with Lucy? You met the faun?"
"I was just playing along," Edmund replied after a moment's pause.
Of course that's all it was. They were just playing along, weren't they? Susan was beginning to doubt herself. After all, she was getting worse and worse at forgetting, and some of the memories that she had tried to block out for so long were slipping in through the cracks.
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They laid Peter to rest first, him being the oldest. Susan ran a hand slowly across the beautiful mahogany coffin before they sent her brother down into the deep, dark pit. Susan dropped a few flowers on his grave after the dirt had been replaced. In the background, she heard the quiet sobbing of many of Susan's friends that had admired Peter. Susan couldn't bring herself to cry. She didn't feel anything anymore, after all. She used to not remember, either, but she was getting worse and worse at forgetting…
"Susan, won't you please come? If you won't do it for Narnia, do it for me. Do it for Edmund. For Lucy especially, Su! She needs a big sister..." Peter's voice came to Susan over the telephone.
"She already has one, Peter. Her big sister is right here, and she's not going on any silly train ride to relive some childish dream of your beloved Narnia."
"It used to be your Narnia too, Susan. Queen Susan the Gentle, that's what they called you. Why ever did you forget about it, Susan? How could you have?"
"Peter, I've got to run. There's a lovely tea party being hosted by Mary Williamson and her sister Elizabeth, and I simply can't miss it. I don't have the time for this."
"Lucy needs you, Susan. We all do. You used to keep us in line, remember? Well, you probably don't, actually… But in Narnia, you were the one who would keep us from being too rash. Even if you couldn't save yourself from that ridiculous Rabadash..."
"I have no idea what you're babbling on about, Peter, but I'll be right here for Lucy and whomever else when you all get back from your ludicrous little journey."
"I thought I might be able to pull you out of it, Su. Out of this materialistic world you've fallen into... But I guess not. I guess you really are gone, and Lucy's lost her big sister. We've all lost you…"
"Peter, like I said, I'm right here."
"I know, Susan, I know." Peter paused for a moment. "Well… I guess I'll talk to you later."
"Mmhmm." Susan murmured. " 'Bye, Peter."
" 'Bye, Susan."
Susan was about to hang up the phone, when she heard Peter's voice come through the receiver one last time.
"You'll come around sometime. I still have faith in you, Susan."
Rolling her eyes, Susan hung up the telephone.
Susan felt awful about that phone call now. It was the last time she ever spoke to Peter.
"You'll come around sometime. I still have faith in you, Susan."
Susan knew that Peter had meant that she would come around about Narnia. That one day she would remember it. She had pushed all the memories away for all this time… But now she was getting worse and worse at forgetting. She was starting to remember. Maybe she would come around… After all, Peter had faith in her.
Dropping those roses on Peter's grave, she couldn't help but think: King Peter the Magnificent.
Pride, loyalty, honor, respect. That was what Narnia had done for Peter.
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Edmund was the next to be buried. At the showing of his body, Susan was surprised at how nice they had made him look, despite his disfigurements from the accident. The makeup and clothing they had put on him made him look almost as if he had died of natural causes.
However, all the white face powder they had put on him didn't suit him well at all. He was much too pale with the makeup, and his dark hair stood out wildly.
"Oh, Edmund…" Susan whispered, smoothing his hair away from his forehead.
Here, Susan realized something she couldn't ignore.
Before their supposed trip to Narnia, Edmund had been as dark in personality as his hair color. He was a lurker, quiet and quite often malicious. He spoke meanly and harshly and occasionally made little Lucy cry.
But after Narnia, his personality had changed drastically. He was now a pleasure to talk to and kind to everyone.
A make-believe game couldn't bring about such a tremendous change in a person, could it?
Susan wondered about this as they lowered Edmund's coffin into the ground. His friends from school watched sullenly in the background.
Susan tried not to remember, but she failed.
The White Witch sent the dagger straight into the great Lion's heart as Susan and her sister watched.
What an amazing sacrifice, to give up your own life for another, particularly a dirty little boy who had betrayed you and your cause.
Susan and Lucy wept for the loss of Aslan.
These vivid pictures flashing through her mind, could they really be from a pretend game from when they were kids?
Susan remembered the look on Edmund's face when she told them to forget Narnia.
An image of Edmund in his silver crown, laughing, flashed through her mind. She couldn't remember when this had happened, or what had been going on that day, but he looked happy, very happy…
King Edmund the Just.
That was what Narnia had done for Edmund. Not only learning about sacrifice, but also about happiness. Learning to find the joy in life. Learning to love the people around him. Surely that couldn't all come from a children's game.
Susan dropped a few flowers on Edmund's grave.
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Then came Lucy. Lucy was to be buried now. Susan turned away from Lucy's open coffin. She couldn't stand to see the little girl dead when she had once been so full of life. Death didn't suit Lucy. It didn't suit anyone, Susan knew, but especially not Lucy – her once-rosy cheeks so pale, her once-vibrant golden curls hanging limply.
Lucy needs a big sister.
"Oh, Lu!" Susan thought. "I've decided to be your big sister way too late. Now I know, Lucy – I remember. You were all so right, and I was so wrong. I wish I could take it all back and be there for you…" The tears that Susan had taught herself to not cry were springing to her eyes.
Lucy's thirteenth birthday in Narnia. A happy day for everyone.
Lucy was a gracious and generous birthday girl, as could be expected. She thanked everyone numerous times for the gifts that they gave her and shared everything with the others.
Even back when she was younger, and Lucy had gotten a new toy for her birthday, she would let Edmund play with it before she'd even touched it.
Lucy's birthdays were filled with smiles, giggles, and laughter. Especially in Narnia. Everyone was so happy there.
Susan caught herself smiling, remembering that day. If only she could go back and redo everything she'd done… If she could make herself not forget Narnia… If only every day could be Lucy's birthday in Narnia again.
Queen Lucy the Valiant.
She was loved and cherished by all. She could brighten anyone's day. Susan wasn't really quite sure what Narnia had done for Lucy; she had always been so cheery and enthusiastic. But Lucy had sure done a lot for Narnia, and for its people – and doing things for others always made Lucy happiest.
Susan dropped some daisies on Lucy's grave. Right then and there, she vowed to be the best big sister Lucy could ever have, even if it was too late.
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Susan wished she was like her siblings, any one of them. She wished that she hadn't gotten sucked into the world of fashion and beauty. She wished that she hadn't pushed Narnia away. She wished that she hadn't pushed her family away.
It was too late now to go back, but she knew that she could go forward. And maybe, one day, she could see her siblings again. Maybe they would be proud of her, even after all the things she did, because from now on she was going to try as best she could to right her wrongs.
Queen Susan the Gentle.
She had tried to forget what Narnia had done for her. There, she was a Queen. She was adored there, revered even, especially by the men.
But it was more than that. So, so much more.
Everything had been perfect in Narnia. And when it wasn't quite perfect, they knew that the good times would resume soon. In the real world, things weren't quite that great. Susan couldn't stand how much she missed Narnia – it was much easier to forget it.
Forgetting wasn't the answer.
Narnia had done so much for Susan. So many things that she couldn't even describe. Oh, how much she regretted forgetting it.
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Over the past week, after the death of her siblings, Susan had been getting worse and worse at forgetting. Now, she had purely failed at it. She remembered. She remembered everything. But she knew that that was okay.
She was also getting worse and worse at not feeling. She sat in front of her siblings' graves long after everyone had left the funeral and cried and laughed and sobbed and giggled.
The sun was down now. Stars were starting to pop out brightly in the night sky. And tomorrow would be a new day for Susan. Tomorrow, she would remember. She would spend the whole day remembering. Remembering Narnia, remembering her siblings, remembering all the good times they'd had. And on Sunday, she would go to church. She thought for some reason that Aslan would like that.
Susan smiled a little, thinking that even though her siblings were gone, they were still with her. And maybe one day she would be with them again, too.
Standing up from her siblings' graves, Queen Susan the Gentle paused to listen. Because she wasn't sure, but she thought she had heard a lion's happy roar somewhere in the distance.
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Author's Note: So there you have it. My second one-shot. I've really loved writing this… I hope you've enjoyed reading it as I enjoyed writing it.
This is dedicated to everyone who keeps me going. Probably doesn't make much sense, but all those people mean the world to me. I would hate to be in Susan's place and that's for sure.
And now I'm off to pack that suitcase!