Date Written: September 27, 2007
Flo: Time for a One Piece fic… wooh. -sigh- I LOVE this idea, but I'm not as enthusiastic about writing as I normally am. Damn work. You shouldn't stand on your feet for eight hours with only, at the MOST, twenty minutes to sit! And on concrete!
WARNINGS! Language and slight porn. Always fun!
ALSO! I didn't realize how hard it is for me to write a guy drooling over women until I started this. -sweat drop- I never write characters like Sanji! I love him to death, he's freakin' awesome… just had trouble with him. Who knew?
Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece. If I did, then -noun- would -verb- -noun-.
Hope you enjoy!
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It had been a painful death. Excruciating. Unbearable. Inhuman, even. But Sanji didn't care. It had all been worth it to protect his dearest Nami. Besides, things appeared to have turned out for the better with his death. True, everyone was sad in the living world, but the personal benefits were incredibly hard to ignore. Sanji was literally in heaven.
There, he was surrounded by beautiful women, all perfect in every way. Their eyes, their hair, their figures, their age, their other things. All of it caused his immediate comical reaction and his mating calls of, "Mellorine!"
Even better, every girl reacted in how he always hoped they would: returning his affections with equal comical actions and their own personal mating calls of high pitched squealing. The impossibly large group of women proceeded to charge directly at Sanji, as he welcomed them with opened arms. The impact had them all laughing and tumbling around merrily through the kitchen in the sky.
"I can't believe it!" one girl was saying. "Sanji is really here!"
"I know!" another said. "He's even cuter in person! Ah, his hair is gorgeous!"
"It would look great with a head band!" said yet another.
Sanji paused in his bliss to think that that was a rather strange comment. A head band? He brushed it off, though, as the girl merely wanting to see his other eye. It seemed his plan of stirring mysterious air around himself by constantly hiding it was finally paying off.
And so the group happily frolicked throughout the large kitchen until Sanji realized that these goddesses were probably hungry. Waltzing to one of the cabinets, he opened it only to find it empty.
A moment of reflection was taken for Sanji to try and understand why exactly all of the shelves in the cabinet were piled with nothing but air, then figured he should forget about it and hurry to another in order to prepare a meal filled with his love. Except, there was nothing more in the next cabinet. Nor the next. Nor the next. Nor even in the pantry and stove and refrigerator.
Trying desperately to keep calm, Sanji turned to the hoard of women and asked with as much voice control as possible, "Where is the food?"
"Food?" a girl echoed. She then burst into a fit of laughter as the others joined her. Sanji didn't find any of this funny in the least. "You're silly! We don't need to eat here! So why would we need food?"
Again, Sanji tried to keep calm. One should never raise their voice to a lady. "Then why is there a kitchen so large and accommodating?"
"To make sure you're comfortable," said a girl.
Well, that was nice. Only, when inside a kitchen, one cooks. Not idly look around like a tourist. Especially when you're someone who eats, breathes, and sleeps cooking. "So there's nothing?"
"Nope!" all the girls chirped.
Silence.
Sanji couldn't remember the last time he felt so torn. On the one hand, these girls were absolutely gorgeous and adored him. A dream come true! Yet on the other, they didn't need to eat so there wasn't any food for him to cook. A nightmare.
That's not true, Sanji thought while trying to keep a smile on his face. Nobody will starve this way. And there are worse things in lif-er, after life. I'm in heaven, after all!
"Where's Zolo?" somebody suddenly shouted above the crowd, initiating a large and loud amount of cheering and more squealing.
"Who's 'Zolo?'" Sanji asked after they calmed down a bit.
"Oh, you know!" said the girl who had spoken most often. Their leader, perhaps? "Your green haired lover boy!"
Sanji's eyebrow twitched. There was only one green haired lov… guy he knew. "Do you mean, 'Zoro?'"
"Sure, whatever. Where is he?! You two need to get together and give us some 'subtext!'"
Sanji was beginning to get even more confused with every sentence these girls were spouting off. His brain literally felt like it would explode any minute. "I'm sorry," he began, "but I don't understand any of what you're saying."
The mass of girls let out a, "ooooh" sound before their leader said, "So you two haven't confessed your love for each other, yet?"
In the distance, you could actually hear Sanji's respect-women-always nerve snapping. "WHAT?!"
"Oh, he's still in denial!" The group twittered happily as Sanji was releasing steam through his ears at an alarming rate.
"What is going on here?! I am not in denial about anything with that Neanderthal! Especially not feelings of…! Of…! God, I can't even say it!"
"Yes you are! By you two always fighting, it's canon!"
"Yes! Canon!" the group chanted.
"You two are one of the top couples, too! How can ten thousand fanfics and countless pieces of art be wrong?!"
"Again, what are you talking about?!" Sanji was shocked at himself for acting this way towards these beauties, but one has to draw the line somewhere!
"This." The leader pulled a cord that appeared out of nowhere to reveal a large mural of countless pictures. Pictures of Zoro and himself cuddling, holding hands, making out, licking each other, blatantly frenching, panting, stroking, backs arching, hands roaming, having anal-
"AAAAAAAAAH! My eyes! My eyes, they burn!" Sanji made a run for the knife drawer, but was held back by some of the stronger girls.
Once slightly calm and tied to a chair, Sanji took a deep breath and shakily asked, "Why?"
The leader looked up from a doujinshi (with Zoro having a hand down Sanji's pants on the cover) and said, "Because you're both hot, probably. It's also fairly common for a fandom to put the two characters who seem to hate each other together. So long as they're hot."
"How much paraphernalia of this horrid fad has accumulated?"
"Hm," the leader hummed. "I don't know. There seems to be an endless supply, really. Especially in fanfics, since anybody can write one! Only a few in our talented alliance can draw really well. And that mural took months!"
"Stories?!" Sanji choked on the air as all of this sank in.
"Yup! Here, let me read you a passage from one." She cleared her throat as she began, "'The ship rocked with each thrust as Sanji moaned out Zolo's name, coming closer and closer to climax. Zolo was relentless as he pounded into Sanji and-'"
"La la la la la! I'm not listening! I'm not listening to such horrible lies! So you can just stop with that right now, for the love of God!"
"Don't worry, you get romanced first before he screws you!"
Sanji wondered if that was supposed to make him feel better. "I have another question," he slowly started.
"Go on."
"Why is it that in those pictures and in that… thing you just read to me, I am the one on the bottom?!"
The girls all looked at each other before turning back to Sanji with eyes that just screamed they thought he was stupid for asking that. "Because you're girlier than Zolo."
Sanji froze from shock at that statement. Girlier?! Since when?!
The leader must have noticed this because she began to elaborate. "Think about it. Who would look better in a school girl's uniform? You, of course! You got the blond hair that's all silky and stuff, and you're skinny-"
"I'm not a stick!"
"-you're shorter than he is-"
"No I'm not! I'm taller!"
"-you're legs are long and perfect-"
"They're hairy like a man's legs are supposed to be!"
"-you're pale-"
"What does that have to do with anything?!"
"-and you cook, which is a total housewife thing."
"Cooking is a man's job!"
"So in the end, you're the woman! Now if we could just get you your man, we'd be able to finally have video porn of you two, instead of simply panel kind. This will have sound affects! Girls, rejoice!"
As the women cheered, Sanji sat dumbfounded in the chair he was still tied to. He was in a kitchen. But there was no food. He was surrounded by beautiful women. But they thought he was gay. He was adored by all of them. But only because they thought he was with that idiot marimo, going at it like rabbits.
This wasn't heaven.
This was hell.
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Omake Epilogue:
Sanji awoke to someone jumping onto his stomach and both nearly falling out of the hammock.
"Sanji!" Luffy shouted. "Where's breakfast?! I'm starving and the sun's already up!"
Sanji stared at Luffy before breaking into a huge smile. "No problem, Luffy! I'll get right on that!"
He leaped out of bed as Luffy tumbled to the floor and ran out of the door, singing about something being a dream. He was stopped, though, as he ran right into Zoro and both stumbled back.
"What the hell, shitty cook?!" Zoro yelled. "Watch where you're going!"
Sanji looked at him for a second. He eyebrows were knotted, he had his teeth bared, and pure unadulterated annoyance was written all over his face. Sanji began to cry.
"Oh, Zolo!" he said, as he clapped his hands on the man's shoulders. "I hate you so much! You know, right? Right?!"
"… Yeah?"
"Please tell me you hate me, too!"
"Why?"
"Just say it, marimo!"
"Alright, I hate you!"
"Thank you, so much!"
As Sanji continued to cry in happiness while making his way to the kitchen, Zoro could only say one thing in regard to what just happened. "Who the hell is, 'Zolo?'"
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1.) Yeah, there was a jab at 4kids in there. 4kids would be a hell the Straw Hats would go to. Wasn't the Funimation dub amazing? -sigh- If you think about it, though, they were business geniuses in getting it because it was probably incredibly easy to make it better than the 4kids dub.
2.) (side note) … Meh, s'okay. I'm in a total slump so I'm figuring if I force myself to write, I'll still be in practice until I get my… whatever back. I got ideas, just can't seem to write them. What a bitch, huh? But I posted this because I like it, only can't seem to find where I want to improve it for the however many days I'm had it finished.
A/N: This was a hell of a lot longer than I thought it would be. And I got this idea when I realized that if Sanji were to have fan girls like us in his world, he would be a happy fella. But then I remembered that a large bunch of us (me included) would want to see Sanji make out with Zoro, which would make both men unhappy fellas. Thus, this was written.
You know what to do!
Please leave a review!
As always, CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is welcomed with cookies.