Ok those of you brave enough to read this, feel free to hate me for this horribly horrifying oneshot. Honestly though the title should have warned you. How can something called "Zuko the Magician" be normal? So this is kind of Modern, Alternate Universe stuff. Oh and the characters are all much older, so umm, say in their twenties, because otherwise drinking would be illegal… Anyway… enjoy if you so chose.
Zuko strode onstage with a solemn face. He glanced over the audience. Their faces held a certain joy and excitement in them. Show time. Zuko took off his shinning silk top hat. "Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. What you are about to see may stun and amaze you. What you are about so see is called magic. Some think that magic is not real, but it is. Very, very real." Zuko twirled off his black cape with a flourish. "First, may I introduce you to my two lovely assistants. Put your hands together for Toph and Katara."
The audience clapped politely for the two girls. They didn't care as much about them. They were here for Zuko. They were here to see him perform.
"Now for my first trick, I will need a volunteer." He smiled brilliantly as he looked over the audience. Each and every one of them was on the edge of their seat, all begging to come up on stage. A young man with an arrow on his head caught his eye. It was his good friend, Aang. He hadn't seen Aang in years, but he was here. Zuko smiled to himself, watching his friend eagerly wave his hand in the air. He hadn't changed a bit. "You there, with the arrow!" Zuko shouted.
Aang leapt up and jogged onto the stage. He smiled widely.
"Tell the audience your name," Zuko instructed.
"My name is Aang."
"Well Aang, are you excited?"
"Yes, yes I am."
"Well then let's get started. I'm going to put you into this box over here." Zuko pointed to a long box on the left side of the stage. The stage crew had wheeled it out before the show. Toph and Katara went over to it and immediately opened the lid.
"Ok," Aang said.
"Now you're going to get in and there's a space for your head to come out at one end so that people can see you."
Aang climbed into the box and positioned himself in the way in which he was told.
"Now then, we're going to close the lid and saw you in half with these saws," Zuko concluded.
"You're gonna what?" Aang freaked out.
"Relax, it's magic. You won't get hurt."
"Uh, ok then."
Katara closed the lid of the box and Toph brought out two saws and presented them to Zuko. Zuko smiled again and checked on his audience. They all watched eagerly. They were in the palm of his hand. "I will now saw Aang in half. To the faint of heart, you'd best look away."
Zuko quickly plunged the blades down into the box and separated the box into two even cubes.
The crowd gasped and "ahhed" as Toph and Katara each took one end of Aang and rolled him apart.
"And now, I shall put him back together!"
Toph and Katara pushed Aang's halves back together. Zuko draped a white cloth over the boxes. "Alaka-agni!" He yanked away the cloth and the blades separating the box had disappeared. He opened the box and Aang stepped out completely whole again.
The crowd clapped and cheered and Zuko took a bow.
After the show…
"That was a killer show, eh, Zuko?" Toph said excitedly. They were backstage now.
"Yeah, yeah it was. You guys were great," he told Toph and Katara.
"Yeah, you just know you couldn't do anything without us," Katara told him.
Zuko smiled a bit.
"Zuko," a stagehand said, "Aang is here to see you."
"Well, let him in of course. Gee, you think they'd know we're good friends with all the pictures around." He gestured to the pictures of Aang, Sokka, Toph, Katara, himself, and many others that had been tacked to the edges of his dressing room mirror or framed on the walls.
Aang walked in. "Hey, Zuko. Great show."
"Thanks, Aang. It's good to see you."
"Ditto."
"What brings you to town, Aang?" Katara asked. "I thought you were off seeing the world?"
"I got a bit homesick," Aang said offhandedly. "And… I missed you guys."
"Are you staying?" Toph asked hopefully.
"Yeah, I think so."
Toph leapt up from her comfy chair and hugged him. "Yay!"
Zuko and Katara laughed and hugged each other.
"Wait, we need Sokka for a real reunion!" Aang insisted.
"Then we'll have to catch a cab," Zuko said.
One cab ride later…
The foursome stepped out onto the street in front of Sokka's South Pole Bar, the "hottest" bar in town. They went inside, Aang with an arm around Toph and Zuko with an arm around Katara.
"Hey!" someone shouted from behind the bar. "If it isn't Zuko the Great and his lovely assistants!"
"We brought someone else too!" Katara shouted to her brother.
Sokka looked around at them. "Aang!" He rushed out from behind the bar and hugged him. "You're back!"
"Good to be back," Aang managed to say despite the squashing of his lungs.
"How you making out?"
"Pretty good. You?"
"Suki's pregnant again."
"So that's what, three now?"
"Yup."
"Congratulations."
"So many nieces, maybe I'll have a nephew this time," Katara muttered.
"I'll love it if it's a girl or a boy," Sokka said.
"Of course you would," Katara said.
"Well, come on, drinks on the house," Sokka said, leading them over to the bar.
"Now you're talking my language, free stuff," Toph said.
Aang rolled his eyes. "Yeah, definitely missed that."
A few drinks later…
The five friends stumbled out of the bar a few hours later singing show tunes from "Bye, Bye, Birdie."
"We love you Konrad, of yes we do, we love you Konrad, and we'll be true, when you're not near us, we're blue, oh Konrad we love you!" Toph belted out into the city night.
Aang drunkenly waved for a cab, but none stopped. "WELL THEN!" he said hiccupping, "I GUESS WE'LL HAVE TO WALK TO THE SUBWAY!"
"Hi Nancy, Hi Helen, What's the story, morning glory, What's the tale, nightingale."
"Toph, Toph, Toph. What's that song? I know that song."
"Hi Margie, Hi Alice, What's the story morning glory, What's the word hummingbird, Did you hear about Hugo and Kim?"
"Oh I think I know, it's, it's, Tele" Aang passed out before he could finish his sentence.
Zuko and Katara, who had not gotten nearly so drunk, watched their friends in amusement. They each took one of Aang's arms and carried him to the sidewalk. Sokka waved a cab and they got in. "Yeah, he definitely missed us."
Ok, yeah so Zuko's a magician and Toph and Aang got piss drunk, what more do you want from me, it's this completely bizarre idea that popped into my head, but hell, it was fun. And yes the show tunes really are from Bye Bye Birdie, we did the musical way back when and well the songs never really leave you. The first one Toph sings is just Konrad Birdie's fangirl song, and the second one is Telephone Hour. So yeah, feel free to tell me about how much therapy you'll need after reading this.